adoptees to birthmom, why do you feel

dpen6....I wrote that for some adoptees the birthmother is more than a friend....that is not telling adoptees what to do. It is pointing out that there is not a set-in-stone rule that she can only be a friend as was written by someone else in a post. That, to me, was telling adoptees how they should feel about the b-moms. I have read so many posts and many books and have attempted to look at the adoptee's feelings....to try to understand what they feel like. With that said, I was also terminated, so I actually do have a perspective in this as well...so please don't tell me either that I am not respecting adoptees' feelings. Adoption, reunion, life experiences in general do not have universal fixes, we are all unique with our own perspectives...and for lets say, an adoptee new to reunion who reads that his or her b-mom can never be more than a friend..well, that's not fair to them anymore than saying that it's necessary to embrace her as a mother is an absolute..that's wrong, too. It's OK to feel what we do; I'd ask that we be honest with ourselves. In my own reunion, I did ask the son I had how should I feel about him or some such words..as a friend or a son, without hesitation he said as my son...he knows that I don't expect to be a mother to him, to take anyone's place..it's his choice. As a woman who was his mother for awhile..I will always have a place within me that feels as a mother would toward her child. Time didn't erase that, the judge's words didn't negate that, changing his name, etc..none of it took away what is in my heart. Do I treat him as if he's my son? Nope...I respect that he has a mom and dads..we are friends, yet so much more than that. So, I am asking you to honor that and I will and do most respectfully honor that you are not in the same place as he and I are. No offense was meant....if some adoptees don't want things said to them then maybe they can consider not saying some things, too, that don't honor some potentially good relationships that exist between birth mothers and their children.

Mari, I was not telling you what to feel, I was telling you how that comment made me feel. It was not a way to start an argument but something that I react too. I do see comments such as "You need to honor..ect" And "you need to respect" ect all the time. Usually towards an adoptee and their feelings for bmoms and somtimes adoptive moms and for some reason it bothers me. Maybe I am to sensitive....maybe It is all me after all I have been bashed before for those "sensitivities". I had a "good" relationship with my bmom...what makes a good relationship? A good relationship is one where both parties are comfortable for where its at...IMO..... Your right, there are many different scenarios in adoption because it is all so indivual...thats said time and time again that its become almost rhetoric...its almost ignored. Please beleive me..i am not putting anyone or their feelings down...I respect where we are all at..but just putting my feelings out there....

[font=Arial][/font] [font=Arial]Mari...beautifully said. Our first contact was a phone call...he said, "This is your son". My heart lit right up and we were on the phone for a couple of hours and that was just the beginning. A mother/son relationship was what he sought. After a few months he said I would have been the perfect mother for him. I don't say all this in glee. I was devastated...why? Because he did not feel a connection in his adoptive family growing up, and still doesn't feel one. There was an (adoptive) grandmother who was very special to him, but she died when he was young. He grew up feeling orphaned. Not in a million years would I have imagined this... it is not what I had expected, given what I was told. Tragic, given that I always loved him and wanted so much to keep him. Back then they said that love was not enough. But now I know that it's the most important thing. This is why all the young women who LOVE and CAN parent their babies should be helped and encouraged to keep them, not shuttled away and exiled from their babies for them to go to a "better" home...okay, a two-parent home, but I find out that he lost me but still felt orphaned in a two-parent home? [/font] [font=Arial]I do understand that other adoptees have had very different experiences and consequently have very different feelings and expectations about search and reunion. [/font]

We can never really know what the other side is feeling and what their true expectations are. The only thing one can do is to be true to ones self. I know my expectations and my boundries, and that is all I can go by. I do not know my b mother, aside from a couple emails, she is a stranger to me. I know my mother however, because she is my mother, period. Some adoptees do want a mother child relationship, because they did feel disconnect, but there are those of us who do not wish for that, because we feel a connection to another family, our family. I've had a couple of relatives put down the fact that I am adopted, believe me, they were slapped down fast, without me having to even lift a finger. My parents always spoke with love and fondness of the day I first met them, I was one and half and I waddled up to my Dad with my arms raised and outstreached to him, and he thought " Here she is. This is my daughter" Always made me feel special, loved and wanted. is that not what b mothers hoped for their children, for them to go on and be loved and wanted. I grew up to be theri pride and their joy. Too many times I read from b mothers who are angry because that is the exact thing that happened in their situation, so sad.I lost my Dad four years ago, and I miss him every day.

I am appreciating reading the various posts on this thread and as one can tell this is an intense/emotional issue. Each person is an individual and responds to their own life perspective and personality to adoption/ reunions. That is why these forums are helpful and encourage us to see the bigger picture of adoption and diversity in experiences and outcomes. Also I would encourage anyone to attend a local adoption triad support group if you can find one near your town- they are WONDERFUL- I have learned so much in the 12 years I have been facilitating them in Indiana and now back in Illinois, western suburb of Chicago. To hear personally from all sides of adoption helps to understand the issues/sensitivities/unresolved grief and loss and also the emotional needs of adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. Before I attended these groups I was totally clueless about what birth mothers experienced decades ago and grew in my knowledge. I also understood they"whys" of my adoption relating to the times and practices of the day. Thanks for sharing! Jody Moreen, reunited adoptee with birth sisters Compiler of "Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters" penned by John Newton, 1700's English hymnwriter, pastor and adoptive father of his wife's 2 orphaned nieces.

Hello&goodbye...I loved your story about first meeting your dad...I hear how sad you are to not have him here with you in a worldly way. We can know what people are thinking, feeling, if we are honestly communicating...we can ask, right? I have read that the more closely matched in temperment, etc a child is with the adoptive family, the more easy, if that's the right word, it is for the child to assimilate into that family..feel more as they are. Made sense to me since as we go thru life we tend to hang out with people who have more common things than not...such as values, economic status, etc...I am sure the mental and emotional health of the parents is a big factor, too. I do believe that birth mothers wanted their children to be loved and wanted..that was pretty much promised to us that it'd go that way..why in God's name would we want our children to have less than that??? I have never heard of a b-mom saying that she was disappointed that her child was loved...altho the strength of that family tie, if it was very good..the hope..may keep some b-moms from feeling that it's ok to be in their child's life at all.....wow, there's a lot of factors...I am glad that you felt so much love and connected so well..what a tribute to your parents!

HI there.I was reading you post and wondering if I should reply. I am an adoptee who met bmom last year after 31 years of looking for her, and I pulled away. It was good at first and then everything seemed to be lies. Evey story I was told changed, and I didn't seem to matter. She would call me (the other one) cause I have a sister and my son too.(the other grandson). She didn't even call us at Christmas. It was like we didn't exist. She saw me and my family and that seemed to be good enough and then she wondered why I never called her. Then she sees me at a family gathering and tells me that I shouldn't be there that her family is close and that they would never choose me over her. Who asked for that!! She was mad because I was invited to things.Then she goes on to tell me that when my amom dies I will have nothing.What a woman I would say. I just don't want anything to do with a rude unfeeling woman. :confused:

C.C...I am not totally clear with reading your post..perhaps it is still too early for me in the day... I am sorry to read that your birth mother wasn't near what you had maybe hoped for...Some women have a lot of mixed emotions about it all, things that were buried deeply, and she sounds angry from the few words that you wrote...I am guessing there is more to your shared story. You ar included in some family events? That's cool if that is what you meant...I will not defend her comment to you, but I do know that for some of us, giving up our child did tear at our core selves..we didn't feel whole after it...everyone handles things differently. I have read that anger is a cover up for fear, hurt...who knows, unless one looks harder, why she is the way she is. There's usually more to one's story than just surface things that we see. That wasn't nice of her to say that to you...how old is she, your b-mom? You are right to take care of yourself...

"None of it means that there is any "bad" feelings towards you, or they are rejecting you....just need space."

"Bio moms do it to when confronted with their feelings...its a defense mechanism" "First of all, I do believe that seeking the birthmother is much more than wanting medical information. Not discounting that however. I also think that backing off might be due to adoptive family pressures, fear," Even though my adopted mother ENCOURAGED me to find my birth mother, her MANIPULATIVE words and HARSHNESS, made me feel GUILTY too, and that hurt. If, IF I had cared what she thought or said, which I DIDN'T, I may have been an adoptee who would pull back, if IF my adopted mother was loving, caring and just NERVOUS, or HURT, or WORRIED about me developing a relationship with my bio. parents. But, that wasn't the case, but it could be with an adoptee who really had a GOOD ADOPTIVE UPBRINGING. "I hate to say this, but what if you do not like who have found. I am not saying that this is the case for anyone here, but I know of two instances where one party found they had little to nothing in common with the person they reunited with. Do we still carry forward because of DNA? Lots of people I know who are not adopted do not have anything to do with certian family members because of that reason. Why are adoptees or b parents expected to surge forward in spite of what thier heart tells them?" I think because of the lack of knowledge all through the years, the curiosity of not knowing your biological makeup, to try and fill the void of the REAL PART OF ME. In unadoptive families, where some relations have nothing to do with each other, they KNOW each other, the connection biologically has always been there. There is no NEWNESS, it's old, it's there, it's blood, but there is no connection. Biological connection is a mystery, and one that human instincts just want to connect with. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all. "have an idea that you can be polite and send an occasional card " I OCCANSIONALLY call my adoptive mother. I OCCASIONALLY send her a card. But there is no connection. My brothers, HER REAL CHILDREN, Occasionally call her, they don't even send cards, except birthdays, and their wives do it. THEY DO NOT FEEL A CONNECTION with their mother. Not much anyways. "I have never heard of a b-mom saying that she was disappointed that her child was loved...altho the strength of that family tie, if it was very good..the hope..may keep some b-moms from feeling that it's ok to be in their child's life at all.....wow, there's a lot of factors." I wish my birth mom WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED that her child WASN'T LOVED, that there was NO FAMILY TIE, that it was a HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE, and that maybe it would be a GOOD THING for her to BECOME PART OF MY LIFE, in a little way to give her first child what she is giving her ADOPTED CHILDREN, and be the kind of woman she is in the public eye, TO HER FIRST BORN, that EMOTIONALLY NEEDS IT. If my birth mother gave me the chance, I would never EVER pull away, because since I was 7 yrs. old and UNDERSTOOD, she was out there somewhere, I LONGED FOR HER. I know she is different than me. We are very different. She drinks, and smokes and curses and I don't. But, you know what. . . . . I love her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo deeply in my heart as I type this to all of you. I've been told, "Amy, your love is NOT REAL, it's imaginary." It is real. If she called me today and said, "Amy, I need a kidney, or blood" I would do it. Even if it meant risking my life. That's how much I love her. My kids would still have their daddy, and they would be told later in life, the love their mommy had for them and for her biological mom, and just for people, and they could hold on to that memory. Plus, I have a family in my will to help my husband, or if he passes to raise them. I am an adoptee who longs for that connection. A connection that would stay for ever.

Thank you for replying. My bmom is 54 now and has been married to the same guy for 30 something years. He had no idea that I was even born or that she was married before. I will be 33 tomorrow. My baunt has invited me to family gatherings but bmom insists that I not be invited. she doesn't want me to find out family secrets as she seems to have many of them. I had a bday party last week and bmomtold the baunt that if she came she would have nothing to do with her. Guess what??She never came. All I wanted was to know my bfamily after all of these years and it is almost impossible to do so. She even told my bsister not to have contact with me as I would not do anything for her. I hear all of this and it makes me so sad. I live a normal life with a good husband and son and I can't seem to get through to this woman that all I want is to be accepted into the family. She is so rude to me. :confused:

C.C...first off, happy birthday or happy last day of being 32...that's very cool! :clap: :clap: :clap: Your b-mom and I are almost the same age and the son I had was about the same age as you when we met just about 4 years ago.... She is sounding very bitter and protective and that wasn't cool to threaten your b-aunt...not nice at all. I won't make excuses for her seeming bad behavior..that sucks, especially since you were looking for a relationship with that side. Sometimes people mellow, sometimes, sadly, they just don't. i don't pretend to understand what makes some people tick....maybe the ticking they have is a time bomb ready to go off.... :eek: I guess I'd still try to have contact with the aunt and keep a low profile and throw in a lot of prayers. Again, i am sorry that she is unable to reach back....You know it's her issue, right, not yours or about you..it's her own inside stuff. sad for everyone, for sure. Nevertheless, tomorrow you celebrate being born..and I bet there are more than a few people who are most happy that you ar in their lives..so celebrate!!! :woohoo:

Amy wrote: I think because of the lack of knowledge all through the years, the curiosity of not knowing your biological makeup, to try and fill the void of the REAL PART OF ME.

In unadoptive families, where some relations have nothing to do with each other, they KNOW each other, the connection biologically has always been there. There is no NEWNESS, it's old, it's there, it's blood, but there is no connection. [font=Arial][yes, they at least had a chance at connection][/font]Biological connection is a mystery, and one that human instincts just want to connect with. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all. [font=Arial]This makes perfect sense to me, Amy. You explained it very well. [/font] [font=Arial]Looking back over my (middle-aged) life, I can see how I grieved the loss of my father, my grandmother, and recently my brother in January -- but the grief I experienced in losing them to death does not even approach the extent of the grief that I've experienced in losing my first born to adoption. No comparison. It will be a great day for mental health when the grief issues involved in adoption, including for adoptees who grow up from Day 1 having lost their biological parents, are fully acknowledged. (None of us are just a clump of cells without feeling -- where humanity is concerned, biology is so much more!).[/font]

Heartbeat, You are without a doubt a very talented, picture perfect writer. Do you write a lot at home? have you considered writing a "book" of your own. Reading your other post, I feel that if you want to continue emailing/writing your found family. Just tell them what you wrote in your post " I can't give them light" but how about sticking with day to day topics. I would also tell them that you are financially unable to make the trip to visit them, maybe you could suggest that they come visit your place instead. That way they will see that you are indeed still interested. Congratulations!! on your 2.5 yr soberority(sp) Sincerely, Carmel

[font=Arial]I agree with Carmel, Heartbeat... you are very talented in writing, and maybe you can use that to your benefit and begin a journal of your lifestory (as privately or shared as you're comfortable with). Support groups can be great but usually only snippets of our stories get through at a time, a little here a little there... and I think writing out one's whole story, as in a journal, or who knows someday maybe even a book, can be more cathartic.[/font] [font=Arial]As far as contact with your birth mother... snail mail letters may offer a 'safer' way of communicating than emails right now and it may be easier for you to begin to share the things you would like her to know, the deeper things, at your pace (and perhaps hers). It must have been overwhelming to encounter four half-sisters.[/font] [font=Arial]Maybe some 'alone time' with her through letters may be a way right now, even if you start very small. She herself may be waiting to hear from you... the real you not just the 'surface' things about you. [/font]

Hi merrill, carmel, Thank you so much for the comments about my writing. I'm sincerely honored. I started a reply to carmel this morning, but it got pretty long and completely off-topic from this thread, so I put it aside temporarily. <smile> Then I saw merrill's post, and tried to respond to both posts, and had the same problem. So rather than hi-jacking this thread, I'm going to start a new one and will call it 'communication with b-family'. I'll just link back to this thread. I've used a computer for 10 years, but didn't get up the courage to write to a forum until early this year. I was terrified of being laughed at, told I was stupid, or worse, ignored entirely. I started by posting to a computer security site that wouldn't be dealing with personal issues or emotions. When that was a success, I joined several more similar types. This adoption site is the first one I've posted personal info on and I'm amazed at how much I've slowly been revealing. I have you all to thank for that aspect of my growth - without your welcoming, open arms and hearts, a lot of us would be scared away. It's not that I think everyone is reading my stuff - it's simply the act of opening up that's significant. Some of my old therapists wouldn't recognize me, knowing how reticent I was to let anyone see the real me. Then again - I'm just now getting to know the real me myself! :eek: heartbeat