Bio's coming to your house "uninvited"

Is this a finalized adoption or a child still in care? Still in care, I'd call the SW. If it's a finalized adoption:If it's not a safety issue, then I wouldn't worry about cards or packages. You can screen them and decide when to share them with the kids.Showing up at the door unannounced however, is different to me. I'd have a talk with them about what visitation you have both agreed to, what the rules are, and that showing up unannounced is not acceptable. I'd consult the open agreement and remind them of what has been agreed to and the consequences that are spelled out in the agreement.Get a mediator if you need to.If it's a safety issue, then I'd check to see what legal options fit your situation.

At the very least, you might want to let them know that putting unstamped mail into a mailbox is illegal. They definitely need some clear instructions about boundaries.

Yes, technically it is. But really in the scheme of things, is that the best battle to pick first? Which causes the most disruption to you and the kids lives? I'd say the unannounced visits. While the mail is annoying, it's also the easiest to handle without involving the kids. I really think this is a pick your battle type of situation. You need to start somewhere and I'd personally start with the visits.

These are finalized adoptions I'm referring to. Separate occasions and separate people but 3 times in the last year and a half. So I'm getting pretty upset by it. This person should have known better. I understand birthdays are extra hard and I know she didn't try and do it maliciously. So I'm trying not to be upset. What makes it worse is that she texted me first asking if she could drop it by and either put it in our box or on our porch. I texted her back about 12 minutes later after dh and I discussed it and told her "no" that it would be best if she just mailed it, she immediately texted us back saying it was already in our box. When I tried to talk with her about it she said that she thought we were out celebrating and missed her message. Yet all of our cars were there and she obviously saw that when she stopped by. It was also around the same time our dd would have been getting off the bus and walking home. So not only did she not ask to send a letter in the first place (since we haven't spoken much in a year and a half and last I wrote her in September she said she didn't want to talk out the issues we were having, or have a relationship right now), she also didn't wait for us to even say she could stop by (which has always been off limits without permission). As I'm trying to explain that I was upset about it she wrote back saying "whatever I do it's always wrong". Well, ya, stopping by my house without permission IS wrong. Especially when you add everything else in. Then she said that we don't need to talk. We're already on the same page because now she won't want to do anything. It makes me sad and angry all at the same time. Yes, she did it out of love but she still did it wrong. I want her to be able to write and have a relationship but we are always running into issues. I can't just ignore the issues. Just because I try and talk with her about it and how it could be handled better doesn't mean I don't want her to have contact. :mad:

It honestly sounds like she doesn't want genuine contact, she wants drama. I'd send her a letter clearly outlining what contact is acceptable. Get a PO Box and tell her that is the address she should use from this point forward. Only contact her via snail mail letters to set the precedent. If a birthparent wants genuine contact, they will communicate via letters/pictures/etc, and take the time to develop a real relationship. If they only wanted to harass you, they won't bother with the PO Box. I've learned that through 3 sets of very different birthparents and a PO Box.

I think she genuinely wants contact. I think it's just to hard for her and she wants it in her own way. She doesn't want to feel like I am trying to "control her" or "judge her", but really I am just trying to set up appropriate boundaries for my child/family, to make sure her needs are being met and our choices are being respected. Your right I think we do need to set some clear boundaries of what we are willing to do and what we are willing to receive and how. I've been waiting for her to tell me she is ready so we could get together and talk about things and lay out these boundaries more clearly but it looks like she is unwilling to talk about it so maybe I just need to write her and lay it on the table for her. I'd really like to speak with her in person though. I feel like she will be more willing to see my intent and hopes, rather than just getting another letter or message that she can take wrong and offensively. I truly do want her to know we care and aren't wanting or trying to make her feel bad or point fingers at her. But at the same time, our privacy and boundaries must be respected.

The details about the timing make me suspect that she was hoping the child would find it, which makes me think she doesn't trust you. Who makes a fuss about something being dropped off at the house instead of being sent in the mail? Either she's more dangerous than you've indicated, or you're blowing this out of proportion.

I agree you should definitely write a letter and even have it sent certified. I am having similar issues. I am going to write a letter too I think but I have thought about having a friend who is not close to the situation read it over first so I can do a sanity check that it doesn't sound like I am being judgmental or coming off the wrong way. I try all the time to explain that I am thinking about my son's best interests. It is harder than they prepare you for in the classes that is for sure. Good luck.

"Who makes a fuss about something being dropped off at the house instead of being sent in the mail? Either she's more dangerous than you've indicated, or you're blowing this out of proportion." :eek: Seriously? Dangerous? No. But that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be respect and boundaries. Especially in a foster/adopt situation.

It sounds like she was already in the neighborhood, possibly for some totally unrelated reason, figured I'd be easier to just drop it off, and called as a courtesy, expecting to be told "yeah, no problem", hoping to get a chance to see the child, and when told no, went ahead and did it any way. She might have been surprised and hurt by your refusal just drop off a present. There's people I wouldn't want to drop by unannounced. My boyfriend is still upset about an ex-housemate who still has some of our stuff. If he called asking to drop those things off, I'd tell him where to put them, ask when he would likely be there, and we would stay inside, to avoid any kind of drama or confrontation. I might even suggest leaving them at a local business where we know the owners, to avoid having him wandering around in our yard. If in that hypothetical situation, I imagine myself escalating tensions by demanding that he pay to send it in the mail, I then imagine he'd react by just tossing the stuff out, or adding the contents of his cat's litter box to the package.