Daniel Hughes? His teachings?

cpipitone, Just wondering how your meeting with the local "Dan Hughes protege" went. Was it what you were expecting? We've wasted over a year with a play therapist who TOLD me she was trained in Theraplay (I even emphasized that this was different from play therapy and she agreed). Well, turns out she was indeed talking about play therapy and has kept us out in the waiting room all this time while my kids laugh and have fun, enjoying themselves with her. Her advice to me last night was to "quit being so rigid and structured...lighten up. You're creating anxiety in your children." So in my opinion, the Dan Hughes dyadic psychotherapy model is exactly what my AD kids need. True, it's incredibly hard to maintain the healing "attitude" (the PLACE: playful, loving, accepting, curious, and empathic) even in the face of outrageous behaviors, but we consequence, too, logically. Just like the character in his book, "Building the Bonds of Attachment" (the worst example was when the child pooed in the hamburger meat the foster mom had left on the table). That parent quickly reinstated the close supervision (Time "Ins") and removed privileges. Of course she also blamed herself for not seeing through the child's fake healing (a great example of "blowing up the bridge" when parent comes halfway across to greet child), and I wouldn't recommend that. It's a human emotion, but we have to remember that we're creating a safe "place" for healing, but it's up to our child to do the hard work. And when all is said and done, it's true that the child must WANT to change. I would guess (especially from some of your stories) that some children are so severely damaged from early mistreatment that they will never allow healing to take place. I mourn for these children and their families, but at the same time, I hope others will give the methods a try before dismissing them. Spending that one on one time with your child and a trained therapist guiding you is a huge stress relief (especially as a parent), that is if your child wants it and complies...eventually. Ours complied right away, but we would have stuck with it even if she hadn't been so curious and interested in the therapy. Afterall, all of the attention was on her, so it was "neat." However, giving up control in the sessions was difficult for her and that's when we'd see the acting out afterwards and would have to consequence appropriately and "attune" to our child to figure out what she needed at that moment. :loveyou:

So last week my DD stated in her session that she lost 12 pounds in a week and insinuated that we don't feed her, saying she only gets one portion at meals, and that she is hungry at lunch. The therapist asked her if she asked for more, did she get it, and she said yes and said that she was fine. He asked what she eats at lunch and she listed 4-5 items, and said she was fine. She DID NOT lost 12 pounds last week--which by the way was Thanksgiving week and oh yeah - she stayed at my father's for the week because school was out and he watched her for us. We took all sugar out of the house a year ago and I have lost 40 pounds, my son lost 30, my DH lost 20 and she lost 12. AND we took her off all the meds that were making her gain weight. She was OVERWEIGHT a year ago and gorging on foods--eating the lunch we packed and getting another lunch in the cafeteria. She would eat three plates of food at dinner and still claim to be hungry. BIG plates of food. So, in our first and second session the therapist told us just how terribly damaged she was and that he saw four personalities and that she had a lot of trauma to overcome, but we went in today to find out that he considered calling CPS because she said she lost 12 pounds. He's never weighed her, she is not sickly skinny AT ALL, and he has no proof of neglect but considered calling CPS. THIS is the support we are getting. THIS is the help we are getting. I am supposed to not get angry, but when I feel that my family is threatened by a LIE from a RAD kid and that someone with authority is prepared to take action on that lie without even ASKING us about it first, this doesn't help anger subside. How can an acclaimed RAD-specialist act on a false accusation like that--especially when she kept ending with "but I'm fine" and when asked clarifying questions she stated that the portions were big and she could have more if she asked for it? I am not impressed. Not at all.

I would not return to that therapist. Anyone can proclaim themselves a RAD-specialist, but that really means nothing. Run, don't walk from that therapist. Your daughter will be able to detect the split between you and the therapist, and I could see her triangulation increasing. If the therapist doubts you on things that he could actually see were false, what will happen when your daughter claims abuse on something that can't be proven.

That's what we are thinking. Tomorrow is his session with her (today was our session with his associate) and we will both be there. Unless he pulls some miracle out of his pocket, the plan is to hear the session then cancel all future sessions with him and his associate. We will go elsewhere. We are thinking about a neuropathologist. Anybody else have any luck with a neuro? (Thanks for the support Lorraine!)

If he is planning to see your child without you, Dont GO. Cancel and tell them you'll reschedule and don't. If your child has her well child checks, the weight complaint to cps would be negated anyway but why put yourself through that? That's insane. My son complained about not being fed so the psychiatrist weighed him every session. Also told him he didn't look starved to him. This way, everyone's covered. It's hard enough to parent these kids without having to deal with quacks.

Before your update this evening, I was going to reply to this post....this is the part of Daniel Hughes I really like....it can be an excellent component of therapy - one tool of many. Our current AT uses this approach, but also includes learnings from other attachment experts.I'm sorry to hear that the appointment didn't go so well. As the AT field grows, unfortunately there are those out there who aren't what they say they are. As our AT (who has twenty years of experience as a marriage & family therapist, plus specific attachment therapy experience) "anyone can hang out a shingle"....I hope you can find a better therapist.Fran

Oh - there's absolutely no proof--none! We have lots of weigh-ins from Drs. Psychiatrists, the RTC, etc, and photos of her throughout the last two years. She is totally back-peddling saying that is not what she said, she told him she was fine, but I explained to her that the message she intended was received, regardless of what she said. This is the forth time she has pulled something like this but only the first time that someone actually told us they considered calling. And again, this is from someone who knows RAD intimately!! HE is THE recognized RAD specialist in town. The ONLY RAD specialist in town. I heard nothing good about his work with teens but was told that I was "not really trying to help DD" when I refused to see him. I was also told that I was "not really trying to help since I took her off meds and have not re-medicated her." We took her to the new shrink and he did not put her on meds. Said there is no med for RAD. THANK YOU!!!! I feel so raped by the system. I am so frustrated. The associate tonight actually used the word "neglect" because of the 12 pounds and because she hangs out in her room watching TV. She is 12 - what do other 12 year olds do? "Neglect" because I get angry. These are therapists numbers 5 and 6, psychiatrist number 3, and psychologist number 2 in two years. NEGLECT?!?!? If we neglected her would we be trying so hard to make this work? The countless hours we've spent reading, researching, filling out forms, driving to therapists and doctors all over a 50+ mile radius, leaving work for sessions, for phone calls, for school meetings, etc. NEGLECT!?!?!? We are begging for help and we get accused of neglect. I could easily quit this all and just go underground with her--seeing no one, just waiting out of time until she grows up and moves out, or runs away, or whatever, but that is not what we are doing. We are allowing all kinds of people to ask us all kinds of questions, we are opening ourselves up and getting analyzed by all kinds of people and trying to find a solution to help DD and to help our family and we are getting no where. Extremely frustrating.

One thing, I would never, ever let her know that it almost worked. Don't let her know the guy beleived her or recieved her message. That will just tell her it will work next time and she will do it again. I learned that one. My son tried the false accusations with a couple of teachers and one friend of mine. However when none of them beleived him and they all told him they did not beleive him he quit. He told me he did not teachers talked to me and that he didn't know they talked to each other. He told me that they did not do that at his old school and worked to tell stories there. He got sympaty and stuff by telling lies. I think if he thought it almost worked (one aid was concerned, but the main teacher told her no way as she has known me for 20 years, but we never told him that she almost beleived him) I think he would have kept trying it. Instead he has stopped trying because it did not work. Though I am still very vigilant. I got the report back from the program we did and they told me that he needed more activities. He told them he wanted to play sports and do stuff and we would not let him. Did they not notice that A. He is 7 and so too young for some of the things he told them he wanted to do and B. He has no legs and one arm. They sent me info on wheelchair basketball. Hmm, OK did they read what they sent me? Practices twice a week in a town two hours away, plus no power chairs allowed. My son has one hand, he can't dribble and drive at the same time, he has no lap to hold a ball on. He uses a power chair and the team starts at age 12. They did not ask me what outside activities he was involved in, or why I had pulled him from some. (triangulation issues) So yeah, I get that feeling about being judged by stupid people.

Wow, Cipipitone, you sound really angry. On one hand, I don't blame you. On the other, I'm wondering if it's productive. I'm not being judgemental here.....we just pulled out of a nosedive this week ourselves. But, sometimes perspective is helpful. So, I wanted to point out the really really really good thing that you learned through the new therapist. Your DD panicked when the therapist started questioning her weight loss. She changed her story!!!! Now, it's unfortunate that the therapist still wanted to call CPS...that's another problem. But your DD didn't want to continue down that path. She'd probably be mortified if CPS was called. That's good news! Rejoice! Also, again, not to be judgemental, but children who need to attach, need lots of chances to do that. We do not allow our RAD daughter to be alone very often. She is at my hip if at all possible. She's 11. TV is out of the question except to watch one movie a week as a family and even then she is to snuggle with me. Attachment therapy is hard and it's more than teaching the kids to be responsible for their actions. It's reaching their hearts and making them want to trust you. Their survival out in the world depends on it. Even Nancy Thomas, with her tough ways, works on craddling and eye contact. I am on your side and I am pulling for you. You have the right to vent and the right to be flustered. This is a very tough job. But afterward, you also have the right to seek new perspective. I hope you can do that. Sue

Suebie - I AM Angry. I am not angry at her - this is what she does. She lies. She manipulates. She triangulates. She falsely accuses. I am mad that this therapist was telling us that she believed that CPS would remove both my children if they called and said I was neglectful. That makes me very mad. How did we become the bad guys? How does a RAD specialized office not understand what is going on here? How, on a forth session, does someone who has never met my daughter accuse me of neglect? She has never seen or talked to my daughter. This woman is the associate of the therapist dealing with my daughter and she is basing this judgement (although she denied judging us) on the claim of a 12 pound loss in a week and because I vent our hurt and frustration in our sessions with her. I thought she was supposed to help us heal so we could better support DD. I thought she would work with DD's therapist to help us come up with a complete solution. Sending her back to Foster Care is a better solution? I felt accused and threatened--not helped at all. Plus my bio son is Asperger. What new trauma would they bring to my home by threatening to rip him away too and send him to foster care? I don't think CPS would actually do that, but her continual insistance about neglect got frightening. Tonight we went to see the therapist and he denied it all, saying his associate misunderstood what he said. He said he never said he was going to call. He never suspected neglect, but mentioned CPS as an "out" for us, if we wanted to dissolve because this is so hard. Which is what we thought he meant, but this woman associate was adament that his intent was to accuse us of neglect because there was evidence of neglect. He, tonight, said he would NEVER call CPS and do that to my family, or to my son, saying it was just too destructive for a family. Before we had this discussion with him we had an extremely successful attachment session with DD. We knew right away that this would not be our last session with him, but we needed to clarify what all the garbage the night before was about. He denied it all, saying she misunderstood. I told him we were there to fire him tonight, and he said "You still can fire me," to which I said, "no - I like what I saw tonight, but your associate is so fired. I will not see her again. She is destructive to this process." We have spent two years with all the wrong therapies. We've spent two years unintentionally hurting and being hurt. We've all made mistakes and we, as the parents have owned up to it and apologized. We all have some damage repair to do and that is why we keep looking for help. In the meantime, to protect our own sanity, her happily hanging in her room is the safest for all of us until we develop the tools we need to heal. This was our stop-gap measure to stop the nightly drama. And right or wrong, our last two therapists not only agreed with this, they suggested it. So "neglect" is in the eye of the therapist. We are only four sessions into actual Attachment Therapy, so it will take time for us to get to a place where we can all trust each other. Tonight was an amazing session with what felt like a tiny, one-second breakthrough. But having us open our souls to them, and be totally honest about our feelings and our pain was turned against us last night--like we are the cause of all the problems. Whatever behaviors we have that she does not approve of may not be supporting healing, but neglect??? I don't think that anyone believes that she would be better off back in Foster Care at her age, and after three failed adoptions. She would probably not get another chance at a family and would probably get overmedicated again to just sedate her into compliance. She would never get the intensive therapy she needs. So, to have someone tell us that they would call CPS and stop our efforts to heal and to learn so she could be dumped back into the system, just seems unconscionable. So yes, I was mad. Very mad.

I think you had a right to be mad. Good for you for standing up for your family!

I agree. You have every right to be MAD.Suebie - I have to respectfully disagree with you on a few things.No where did I see that dd panicked. I also don't see where you got that she would be mortified. Why do you think she would be mortified?RAD children live for this. I know my daughter would love it if CPS were called. It gives them power and that is what they survive on.cpipitone - Hugs to you. I'm glad the next session was better.

Cipipitone-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to increase your anger. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to stand up for your family. I'm glad you stood up to the associate and refuse to see her again. It sounds like you had a great session with the AT and I hope that you can concentrate on that....the positive. Getting over hurt and mistakes is hard. I am just hoping for you that you can refocus. All that anger takes its toll. Lorraine-I know that RAD children love getting other adults stirred up and on their side. We are very familiar with triangulation. Our RAD daughter just tried it with the school nurse. The reason I felt DD panicked and was actually NOT looking for triangulation is because she changed her story to "but I'm fine." She told the truth about how much food she gets. Most RAD children would have relished this concern and built it up more, not try to back out of it. I thought that was good. Back to Daniel Hughes. What I like about him...and Nancy Thomas, is that they can care for the children without being snookered and without getting super emotional over it all. They look for the signs of healing and celebrate them. I am not there but I strive to be. That's what I wish for all parents of RADishes. Cipi-I hope you find some peace.

PS.....I forgot to applaud your committment to your DD!!! I think it's fantastic that no matter how hard it's been for you, you are willing to stick it out and find other solutions! Cudos! Big time! Our daughter was through 2 failed adoptions and we are appauled at the lack of committment. So, good for you!

Personally, Daniel Hughes and Nancy Thomas have saved my sanity. I think you cannot take everything exactly cookie cuttered for every child, some things have to modified, or even thrown out depending on the child. I also like "Parenting, Love and Logic" as it also is a good compliment to Daniel Hughes and Nancy Thomas. Sheri