Did anyone face opposition from a racist relative?

Out of curiosity why are you not open to full AA? Are you open to biracial AA/CC for example? Do you really think there's going to be a difference in how people percieve a biracial child and an AA child?

You have stated that you hope one bigot in the family will not make this choice for you. But, it would seem that he is/will. If my relatives were as your FIL, then none of my children--regardless of skin tone or adopted/biological status---would be allowed to be around him at all---or at the most, very little. Our own family has chosen a route that if any people (family or otherwise) have a problem with our multi-racial make-up, then they are simply out of the picture and not worth dealing with at all. It is basically an 'all or nothing' attitude, and it's been that way for many, many years. I have a relative that we think may 'feel differently' about our children vs. his biological grandchildren. He has never openly come out to state this, but, if he were to make any comment about it, his days in visiting our family would be over. Why would we want this type of behavior around any of our children----regardless of the reasoning, the behavior is unacceptable and ridiculous, KWIM? You and dh alone will have to decide; but personally, it would be all or nothing. If the ties to this person are very strong, then your choices are limited. I aplogize if this seems too blunt, I mean no disrespect to you; but in my book, racism is alive, because it is tolerated. Sincerely, Linny

I had the same question, if you put your children over your family, why aren't you open to full AA? If they are part AA then they are still a part of the AA community and so are you. That is one thing I have learned by us adopting Drihan, we now belong to an additional social community and it is great! (did that come out right ???) It was put so well recently toward my 14 yr. old. Her friend that is full AA comes up and asks her "how do you like being part black?" My daughter laughs and asks what he means. He says "because your sister is black, that means you are now part black". She came home and was pretty happy because she said it made her feel good.

Just my two cents. We are foster/adopt and have had full AA and Biracial children. Some of the biracial children/parents look full AA and while some of the biracial children I have had look more hispanic/italian then AA they are still part of the AA community. I too don't understand how you can be open to biracial and not AA? In answer to your question we decided before we entered foster/adopt (and now private infant adoption) we would always put our foster children/bio children before extended family. My family and my dh's family are very comfortable with us adopting a child of another race and are part of who we are. They have raised us to be tolerant. However, my dh's Grandma is racist....she's old school and was raised to be this way and while nobody supports her views she is quite loud and pushy, the decision we made is that as much as we love her we would not have her part of our lives if she was going to say anything remotely racist in our company. Regardless of adopting a child of another race those views will not be presented to my CC children in any way shape or form. I've worked hard to teach my children the opposite. She lives in another country, but we do see her once or twice a year. Thankfully she has graciously backed down when instead of ignoring her views I queitly refute them. When she found out we were fostering a full AA baby she was surprisingly happy to meet him and adored him. Nothing remotely racist was said or done since this time...we figure she doesn't have much longer to live but perhaps we have made a difference with her misconceptions she carried from her parents. As hard as it would have been she would not be part of our lives if the opposite had happened. I am from rural America, I did not have any association with anyone AA until I moved away from my small town after HS. My mom is the most loving accepting person that I know, however, she is naive and says things that she totally means in an innocent way that could be misconstrued to be racists. For example on our vacation we were out to eat and our little AA foster guy was doing pull ups on the table at the restaurant. My mom was laughing at this and said very loud "what a little monkey." Meaning it in innocently as she said that to all toddlers who climb. My brother quickly informed her that was racially derogatory, I didn't even have to say a word. She didn't know and was very embarrased and sorry, she won't make the mistake again. The people I have a hard time with were those who were more sublte in their sterotyping. It usulaly was an unsolicited comment regarding our foster son's mother and blanketed the misconception across all AA. I would quickly correct them in as polite a way that I could but in a firm way. I've found that this is a delicate subject as most of us in the CC community do not want to be viewed as racist but may have certain misconceptions or carry some rasism in our hearts. We have two children who are CC. I have worked very hard to teach them to be respectful of all people, all cultures, all religions. I have taught them that we judge people based on what we know about that person not what another person who may look or talk like them does. My 6 and 10 year old understand this, if an adult cannot then they do not need to be part of our lives whether or not we are a biracial family. We have been blessed to live internationally and to be immersed in other cultures as a family. I love that my children have a wide view of the world and anyone that would dare try and narrow that view would get some words from me, and have received words from me.I feel that when things are said or done in front of you even if your child is not present but espeically in front of your child that are remotely questionable you must be 100% on the side of zero tolerance and politely but firmly hold your ground. I would think that if there is a member of the family who is consistantly being racist you would cut ties with that person until they come around and if they don't come around then that relationship would be ended. L

Funny thing is we never talked to family members before making our decision to adopt full AA. We talked to our other children and that was it. DH and I threw around the idea about family members but we came to the same conclusion that this was our baby, not theirs. But on the same note we were not concerned as we have a VERY open extended family. I guess you have to ask yourself if you are willing to break it off if this person is harmful to your child in any way which also means emotionally and psychologically. Instead of going there for family gatherings you could have them at your house and not invite this person or give them a chance and be prepared to boot them out. Only you know what you can handle, but if you decide this is what you want, this child MUST come first and never be resented.

I have to agree with everyone else. I absolutely would not allow a person like this in my child's life in any way. One slip of the tongue when your child is old enough to understand could be very damaging to the child's self esteem....especially if he adores your bio child as you said.I am speaking from a biracial relationship...I have a racist relative and since I met my husband he has been out of my life, my husband has NO DESIRE WHATSOEVER to meet him and have to deal with his predjudices just so we can be at a family gathering and I feel the same. I never plan to introduce him to my children unless at some point in the future he contacts me and tells me that he has seen the error of his ways.....and even then I would be nervous about it.I wish there was a more pleasant answer but unfortunately your child WILL have to deal with racism from the outside world on a regular basis....they shouldn't have to feel it from their family.

I have two brothers that are racist and we have no contact with them because I raised my three grown children that we are all the same inside the outside is just a color. My grown children are in there 20 now and I have two three years old AA girls and my children love their sisters and don't love them any less because of their color they don't date anyone who is a racist person we have no use for that kind of person around us. This world would be a better place if people could look at the inside of a person their heart and sole and not their skin. I have not seen my two brothers in 4 yrs and I will not go to see them or their family because if their way of thinking. April mom of 5 3 bio and 2 adopted two three years old:wings:

Hi, I have a biracial son, adopted internationally from Brazil, and a Korean daughter (ages 8 & 7). The Brazil adoption was very hard, so we went with an "easy" country the 2nd time around. Now, we are hoping to adopt a special needs sibling pair, any race except CC (we think adopting white would be sending a wrong message to our kids.) We had a very dark AA foster daughter who recently got returned to her mom. I come from a racist family. But my dad has a big heart... I get that from him. I remember growing up that I didn't like "all the minorities" in K-Mart (now I feel at home in WalMart, and seek out diversity.). I have not felt racist since being out on my own (I am 42 now), and ESPECIALLY since adopting my kids. Now, we have AA friends and live in a diverse neighborhood and I LOVE it. I would not be happy in an all-white neighborhood. My parents are not happy about us adopting again, although they have given us their blessing because they don't want to lose us. They love my 2 kids. When we had our foster daughter, my mom said it was hard for her. But more than anything, she loves me and will stand by whatever my family does. My mom has said that she is much more open to other races since we adopted our kids. But when we had our dark foster daughter, it kind of felt like "in your face" when we would bring her to my parents' house. But my husband & I WANT to adopt AA, if for no other reason, then because "I" want to be the mother of AA children. If down the line they hear a racist remark from someone in my extended family, could be one of my parents, a brother, a cousin or uncle, then it will present an opportunity for me to discuss racism with the child. Racism is definitely very much alive and minority children with white parents need to learn about it, and to be proud to be who they are, and to just know that people have misconceptions about race. Especially people who do not have any friends of another race. My parents would see the news every day in Chicago, and it's all about the black people & killing, fires, drugs, etc. That's why they are racist, because of what they hear on the news; it formed their views. I know I've been across the board in this posting, it's a complicated subject. Bottom line is, if in your heart you want to adopt AA, then do it. But also know that your kids WILL find out at a pretty early age, one way or another, about their grandpa's views, and you will need to spend lots of time explaining bigotry and why people think that way, and why your father thinks that way. Children trust their parents. Racism is an awful thing, and if they face it from your dad, it might actually bring you & your child closer, because of the discussions it will create between you. It is a very hard thing. Are there other AA people in your community that you are friends with, other AA children in your neighborhood? Because you would definitely want your children to "fit in" in the neighborhood & at school. That would help them be proud of who they are, make them feel comfortable with themselves and be able to not be knocked down by racism. Hope this helps in some way. Julie in Madison, Wisc.

If you feel you need to ask them maybe it's not for you. I am not trying to be disrespectful. But do you realize by the time these children are teens that the world will be made up of more br children than any other race? I have 2 biological children who are br and looking to adopt br or aa children b/c they seem to be the ones that are hardest to adopt. The color of a childs skin is only that. Maybe ur fil can't appreciate that the world is made of all different races and colors and what ever world he is living in maybe he should remain there. Go for it adopt any race of child, they are no different then the rest just seeking out loving, caring forever parents. Just pray about it and the answers will come. Good Luck

I'm sorry that you have a racist father in law, but he would be cut out (a long time ago) Racism should be offensive to every human being of any color not just the people directly subjected to the hatred & ignorance. Your future child (& you) WILL be hurt by his comments & should not be subject to them. You may want to "clean house" before accepting any children of any color-racism & acceptance of it is learned. One thing I keep in mind (when people feel the need to stare at me w/ my bi-racial adopted son) is you can't change other people-you can only control what is in your power & eliminating hatred & bigotry around you is in your power-I wouldn't even allow my 19 year old around him - hopefully she is just as embarrassed having that for a grandfather. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but no person should be subject to him or his comments.

shybear: you're approved for fost/adopt before your homestudy is done? Wow! What state are you in?

Novas Mom, I can't tell you what to do but if it were me, I would CUT F-I-L OUT OF YOUR LIFE. If "no one else feels this way", is it fair for you not to do what you really desire to do in order to keep this person in your life? Doubt it. That's about as blunt as I can be without being rude but this man is not going to change. It has taken him a lifetime to develop the hatred he holds onto. Don't let it take your family down. He must be the one to suffer the consequences of his hatred. Those who close themselves off to others only hurt themselves. Because what we learn from each other and from loving each other, regardless of race or religions is indeed . . . . PRICELESS!!!! Josie

First of all I hope I took your post wrong, misunderstood it or something. I realize you are not racist but some things really bothered me. I don't think racism in your family is okay for any reason. It sounds like you are trying to defend your parents point of view, please correct me if I am wrong. I would NEVER allow my AA or my CC children to hear racism from an extended family member and look at it as a way to learn how to deal with racism! I'm sorry but I am very offended by this. Family is supposed to be a "safe" place where you are loved unconditionally. Can you imagine how this may impact a child to hear their cousin, uncle, grandparent degrade them based on race? Would they really feel as if they belonged to this extended family? If my family was going to be racist to my child or if they still harbored in their heart racists views that would be it for me, NO contact. Your child has to come before them. "My mom has said that she is much more open to other races since we adopted our kids. But when we had our dark foster daughter, it kind of felt like "in your face" when we would bring her to my parents' house. But my husband & I WANT to adopt AA, if for no other reason, then because "I" want to be the mother of AA children. If down the line they hear a racist remark from someone in my extended family, could be one of my parents, a brother, a cousin or uncle, then it will present an opportunity for me to discuss racism with the child. Racism is definitely very much alive and minority children with white parents need to learn about it, and to be proud to be who they are, and to just know that people have misconceptions about race. Especially people who do not have any friends of another race. My parents would see the news every day in Chicago, and it's all about the black people & killing, fires, drugs, etc. That's why they are racist, because of what they hear on the news; it formed their views."

I have to agree with forever family-you do not teach your children (of any color) about racism by intentionally exposing them to it. You are the company you keep & if you keep the company of bigots & racists....well than...family or not strangers or neighbors racism is not OK-period. I can't imagine intentionally exposing my son to a racist to discuss it with him ...you should not use children to teach family members not to be racist-their fully cooked & their opinions are formed...let them find their own way back to humanity. I wouldn't take my son to a crack house to discuss the dangers of drugs.

That's an unsurprising result in a situation where there is racial profiling happening. I worked many years ago in a retail store with a racist head of security. She was convinced that all the shoplifters were black. I don't think I changed her mind when I told her she only caught black shoplifters because she only followed black customers around the store, but at least she quit talking to me about it.