I am an adult who was raised in an open adoption!!!

I am 35, was adopted within my biological family immediately. I felt very conflicted at various times in my life about where I truly belonged. This is a bit strange to me because I was 100% in my 'family' from 4 days old. No one treated me differently and I looked like them in some ways because we are related. Still, it was hard to know I was the oldest in one camp but the youngest in another. My situation is complex b/c I was a 2nd generation in family adoption (birth mom was placed by her birth mom, who adopted me). When all the truth came out, someone went from being my aunt, to my half sister, to my birth mother--very confusing for a girl of 11 after her parent's divorced. So, take that for what it is worth. Fast fwd to now and I have several friends with adopted children, 2 have open adoptions and it is going well. The difference is Christ. The adoptive families I'm seeing and know have something my family growing up didn't have--and now that I am a believer, I can see how that would have made a tremendous difference in my knowing where I belonged truly. If we adopt, I'll be sure to teach my child that they are ultimately God's child and we have the privilege of raising them, just like our children born to us. We belong where God puts us, so we need not go on asking question after question... All that to say, my advice to you as the mother is this-if you are having trouble with the birth family and sense your child is conflicted or will be, perhaps put some more distance there. I told my one friend with kids she adopted out of the country--stop saying you are an adoptive family--you are just a family, plain and simple. Who births us is really not so important. You know your child and it's up to you to protect that child--it doesn't matter if others don't understand what you need to do, and that includes the birth family. I forgot to say, that yes, there were issues b/t my birth family and us, but much of that came out after my real mom died. With an 'in family' adoption you really can't avoid the biological crowd! I now have no relationship with my birth mother, and that won't change unless she does. Some people who place their children never get out of the troubled stage of life that required them to place their child in the first place. All the best--I'm really sorry you are in this position and hope it is resolved smoothly.

As a birthmom - I must contest - God did already "put you" with the right family. God doesn't make mistakes. Who are we to decide to 'give away' our children? In my opinion as a Christian - I believe that infant adoption (Foster adoption is different) is not God-pleasing. Anyone who reads and study's their Bible should be able to see that plainly. THere are circumstances where adoption is necessary - but they are far and few between. Convenience and inconvenience are not good reasons. Even money-and the lack there-of- is not a good reason - money cannot make up for genetics that God put in each of us. And finally - there is no such thing as a perfect family - no matter HOW BADLY you WANT a child - your family won't be perfect...a-family or b-family. I am not a bitter birthmom. I speak the truth - believe me - it'e not MY truth - certainly not one that I WANT to believe - after years of studying adoption and it's effects...this is what I have come up with. Infant adoption - as it is set up in our country is not God Pleasing. IMHO

Ferney, I don't think you are being offensive. I thought the point of this site was to allow people to vent. You are right, some people are unhealthy and it sounds like you were lucky to be adopted out. Some people are not fit to be parents and that is a fact. Open adoption is not always possible or healthy for the child involved. For instance, kinship adoption can be difficult when Child Protective Services is involved. If a child is removed for abuse, neglect, or parental drug abuse then an open adoption is not ideal. It sounds like some people have a rosy view of "open adoption" which is not always peaches and cream or what's best.

Sometimes I think its difficult either way. Not knowing your history is hard but knowing it can be difficult too. I actually wish I'd have never found mine out. I could have been content my whole life not knowing. My parents adopted my brother thru child services in mi four years before me. His is a closed adoption. I was adopted thru a friend that knew somebody that was going to have a baby and give it up. My parents went before a judge to get me and were told they were too old. The judge said "but you can get a lawyer". So my dad found out what lawyer was friends with the judge and that was all it took. They knew my history but I wasn't given all of it till I was 18. Then I found out that I was the second child of a married man and my bio mother. That I had a full blood brother one year older than me. My a. dad also tried to adopt him so we wouldn't be split up. But she didn't want to give him up. Bio dad paid child support for him. I also found out that I have several half brothers and one half sister. One of which is only 3 months younger than me, so bio dad had both wife and lover knocked up at the same time. Sweet! Not! But I know I shouldn't judge. Anyway the bio mother and brother looked me up when I was 31. I would have never looked them up. I had a family and really didn't have any interest in finding them. Also I didn't want to hurt my a. Mom. She was hurt but tried not to show it when they found me. My a. brother was also hurt. I think partly because his bio folks hadn't looked him up but he would be hard to find due to the closed adoption. My a. dad passed away years before. My a. Mom just resently passed. There was a curiosity in meeting the bio family seeing if I looked like any of them but now its just like staying in touch occasionally with really distant relatives. I've never felt a close connection to them and I never will. My adoptive Parents are and always will be my only Mom and Dad and my adoptive brother is my brother. Sadly its not my bio brothers fault that I don't feel the same connection with him. But you just can't make up all that history that was lost. But its ok, I'm not holding any grudges against anyone. I do feel badly about the way that I came into the world. Sure didn't want to cause any hurt to the married mans wife and she died a year after finding out that there had been a second child after this little "family reunion" and I sure hope it wasn't because of that but it really wasn't my fault. I didn't ask to be born. Anyway thats my story of open adoption ,so called. I understand what you are saying about the hurtful comments said to you about being the "adopted child" or "not real child" I've heard it all too, from thoughtless relatives and strangers that don't have a clue. Have been told by an aunt that my brother and me aren't "real brother and sister". Told her well technically then she isn't our "real" aunt either. If they want to play that way. Have learned to look at the source. Then try and let go and let God. Take care, and comfort in knowing that you aren't alone in all of this. Anne

ferney, I too am very sorry for your family history. I personally think alot of it has to do with not being counseld from the get go on both sides. I am an Amom that just adopted our daughter and is also in an open adoption with her birthfamily. The birthmom and her immediate family had their counselor which told her what was appropriate and what she would feel and said she had to have a name that our daughter would call her and it was not mommy. We had our counselor which we had classes and told the details about adoption ect.. so both parties had knowledge and knew boundaries ahead of time. It helps also that her BFamily is somewhat normal. There is no normal family, everyone has dysfunction in it. But they are a realy cool family and we love them like our own. And I know that it won't be perfect all of the time and the birthmom will struggle with her emotions but she and I both have the SW to call if we have questions or issues. That makes a big difference. Plus our family is very supportive of the adoption and love our daughter like she was our own biological child. They all know how long and how hard we tried for a baby and it just didn't happen. So everyone is super excited when we told them the news. To my surprise they are more supportive and in love with her than I thought they would. My question to you is what does your birthmom say about everything? Is it just your Bfamily that makes comments? Do they feel you should not have been adopted and kept in the biofamily? You can't change your biofamily and you can't change your adopted family, all you can do is worry about yourself and yourself alone. You are the most important in life no matter what anyone says or does. Take care of yourself and maybe distance yourself a little from either side to give yourself an emotional break. Again I'm sorry for your pain and I hope as the years go on it will get better for you.

Hi all,I'm a birth mom in an adoption that went from open to closed in two years, after letters, phone calls and visits that could be counted on one hand. The reason the a-parents gave was my daughter's temperament at 2 1/2. They and the caseworker assured me it had nothing to do with me.An open adoption to me is one without secrets. I expected that Kelsey would know who I was, and if she wanted to be close, we would be as close as people living halfway across the country from each other could be. If not, that was ok too. I just wanted to know she was being cared for and leading a happy life. I wanted to give her info about me so she'd never drift into unhealthy assumptions.I don't think an open adoption means everyone sees each other once a week and the child and birth family have sleepovers. The boundaries have to be created with sensitivity to where people are in life and with respect to peoples relationship to the child.I chose the adoptive parents in a huge part because they wanted an open adoption. Did they? I don't think they were prepared to navigate relationships that they could just as easily throw away. There are people in my family who cut off ties with those they feel are unhealthy, or those who add unnecessary stress, etc. I don't think it's right for a person to cut off a relationship when things get hard. A family is like a marriage - it takes a lot of work, but it's worth it. There are days when you'd rather not go home, or you'd rather you spouse not be around, but those days pass. You love each other and you work things out. Adoption isn't a buy-sell transaction. Birth families shouldn't be disposable. We suffer so much to bring children into the world, and so much more to give them better opportunities. We don't deserve to be thrown away.This forum really helps me to examine how I feel about the adoption, and see things through another person's eyes. I hope I haven't offended, but only added another facet.-T

I appreciate your thoughts on this subject. I am an adult adoptee from a closed adoption who found her birthparents as an adult. I didn't need to do this, I just felt there was something missing. Maybe when your daughter is older and able to decide for herself, if her a-parents are as great as mine were, they will not hold her back and help her establish a relationship with you once again. If it wasn't for birthparents and the most difficult decision of a lifetime, I wouldn't be where I am now. Thank you for your sacrifice.

I think what you say here brings up a LOT of great points about where issues stem from around adoption in general. It's society! There are all these societal "norms" about the "acceptable/proper" structure of family and culture that make it hard to people to accept the idea of someone having a family situation that is outside the norm. I also get that question all the time and have a similar distaste for it. At least in my case, if i answer that question with "don't know, and don't really care because i HAVE a real Mother already" then the person usually looks at me like i'm some kind of abomination. It sounds like you were saved from going down the path of your siblings by being adopted.... that's actually very fortunate! Like others have said, open adoption is not for everyone and should occur on a case by case basis. In your case it seems that it was a bad idea...

Wow Ferney. My heart goes out to you. I'm the product of a closed adoption. Luckily, my family accepted and loved me as one of their very own. We never spoke of me being adopted. (Not sure that was so good either.) Later in life, my bio dad contacted me. He very much wanted to start a relationship but I wasn't all that interested. I had loving parents. Basically, all I really wanted to know why what my genetic history was, who did I look like and were there any medical issues to be aware of. I felt kind of bad for my bio parents - neither went on the have any kids - bu I unlike many others felt no connection to them, and no desire to be connected. Now that I'm embarking on adopting a baby, i feel like an open adoption is a good thing, but with boundries. I simply want to have the photos, history and knowledge of the birth parents to share with my child, but beyond that I don't really think I want to have the bio-parents involved. I think it would be too confusing. It's also kind of scary for a kid to have knowledge of his birth mom and have her in the picture, at least that's what I think. Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like your mom did a great job raising and loving you. As an adult, you don't really need to be that involved with your bio-family, unless you want to. It doesn't sound like they are providing you with anything positive. All the best, T.

"There are people in my family who cut off ties with those they feel are unhealthy, or those who add unnecessary stress, etc. I don't think it's right for a person to cut off a relationship when things get hard. A family is like a marriage - it takes a lot of work, but it's worth it." The part right above this is a quote. I have mostly stopped talking with members of my adoptive family. I think it IS right and healthy sometimes to end a relationship with a family member. It's just NOT always worth it. Just because someone is family is not reason enough to have an ongoing relationship. Of course, I've also had more than one divorce. And, although I have regretted getting married, I never regretted a divorce. Ending a relationship should be a difficult decision and one not made likely, but sometimes it is the right thing to do. Andrea

I think this is the truest thing that can be said about parenting in general and adoption in specific. It is the adults - and most importantly the parents - the will make or break the open adoption experience. I think one of the best things about open adoption is that it gives children the ability to know the truth, no matter how hard that truth may be, and then be helped to process it. The unknown cannot be processed. But children need mature guidance and help in processing the known. How well the parents do this is, in my opinion, a strong predictor of how their children will feel about open adoption when they are older.

Mahnie- your attitude is wonderful regarding adoption! I was adopted in the 70's and in a closed adoption. My heart broke everytime I thought about my birthmom not knowing about my welfare. I think the folks who are secure in themselves and who can integrate a birthmom/family into their life are fantastic. But I wonder how many successfully do so. I agree that pictures, letters and info exchanged thru the agency is a wonderful compromise. But I have also heard from many, many birthmoms who only agreed to adoption because they were promised an open adoption- and all contact was cut off after a period of time. I wish that these provisions were legally enforceable but it doesn't appear to be- or at least many birthparents don't have the resources to get it legally enforced in the courts. Each adoption is so different so I am by no means painting one or all by the same brush. I'm just stating what I have heard many times by many birthmoms.

You no I have a twin sister I never seen and a brother I was about four year old when me my twin and enfant brother got adoped and I dont no my real name and I came out of foster care they did not it eas in texarkana tx around 1969 cps pick all three of us up but my auntie was keeping us and when she got back cps had got us then she try getting us back but it took her 6 year she only got me and change my name and then in 1980 cps got me again from her so then around that time I stayed in cps till I got grown when I got out found out that my auntie was not my mom and auntie told my momm I was dead and since then I got away from every body so I am looking for my mom dad and twin sister and brother so for 30 year I am still looking no luck yet it just hurt so bad some time I get sick thinking about by the time I get old may be I will find them because I have about to give up lord no I prey may be one day somee thing will happen I hope they look for me as hard as I am looking for them..........

You no I have a twin sister I never seen and a brother I was about four year old when me my twin and enfant brother got adoped and I dont no my real name and I came out of foster care they did not it eas in texarkana tx around 1969 cps pick all three of us up but my auntie was keeping us and when she got back cps had got us then she try getting us back but it took her 6 year she only got me and change my name and then in 1980 cps got me again from her so then around that time I stayed in cps till I got grown when I got out found out that my auntie was not my mom and auntie told my momm I was dead and since then I got away from every body so I am looking for my mom dad and twin sister and brother so for 30 year I am still looking no luck yet it just hurt so bad some time I get sick thinking about by the time I get old may be I will find them because I have about to give up lord no I prey may be one day somee thing will happen I hope they look for me as hard as I am looking for them..........

You no I have a twin sister I never seen and a brother I was about four year old when me my twin and enfant brother got adoped and I dont no my real name and I came out of foster care they did not it eas in texarkana tx around 1969 cps pick all three of us up but my auntie was keeping us and when she got back cps had got us then she try getting us back but it took her 6 year she only got me and change my name and then in 1980 cps got me again from her so then around that time I stayed in cps till I got grown when I got out found out that my auntie was not my mom and auntie told my momm I was dead and since then I got away from every body so I am looking for my mom dad and twin sister and brother so for 30 year I am still looking no luck yet it just hurt so bad some time I get sick thinking about by the time I get old may be I will find them because I have about to give up lord no I prey may be one day somee thing will happen I hope they look for me as hard as I am looking for them..........