My wife is for adoption, I am not...

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm not LDS, but I can tell you as a Christian, I'm supposed to submit to my husband and if he wasn't on board, as much as I would want to adopt and as angry as I might be, I know I'd need to work it out on my own. If you aren't on board with her, it's important it doesn't happen. Adoption is NOT easy. Emotionally it can be draining and trying on even the toughest people. Pray for her and for yourself to seek God's will in this.Those of us who are adoptive parents DO see our kids by adoption as no less than if we gave birth (and many have both bio and adopted kids). I've never been able to tell the difference with my kids (who are not genetically related). If I could birth my own children, I might have as it seemed in many ways a bit easier. Sounds like regardless your family is not ready for adoption. This doesn't mean it will never happen, just not now. Perhaps relay that thought to your wife and pray with her.Take care.

I don't know if this is good advice or not so take it with a grain of salt. Its my experience that men are often a little behind their wives in the desire to adopt, or at least that has been my experience in talking with some families who have adopted. Is there a reason your wife feels you should adopt? I've been wanting to adopt for the past 4 years. We have 2 biological children but are unable to have anymore children without a great risk to my life. This was truly a spritual decision that came to me, I almost feel adoption chose us. This hope and desire came through direct answers from prayers. We were no where near ready to adopt 4 years ago. My dh did not feel it was time, nor did he have the same strong answers to prayers that I had. It was frustrating for me to wait until he was ready but I am so grateful that we have waited. I feel strongly that the right baby will come to us and that the time to get this started is now. Fast forward 4 years later and he is as excited and enthusiastic as I am (well almost anyway.) I also want to add that I feel the child we will adopt is our child by Spirit, this baby will be sealed to us just in a different way then our other children. I have felt this child just as I did my 2 daughters and know that he/she is my baby by spirit if not by birth. I also feel the birth parents/family will be part of our family in a way we cannot understand at this time. Adoption is a miracle in so many lives it is not a second rate way for a baby to come to a family. For so many this is the only way they can have a baby, they have endured years of infertility and often invasive treatments spent thousands of dollars and hearts have been broken over and over again. WHen that child comes to their home and lives I am sure the love and appreciation for this precious gift is just as great, perhaps greater or rather more appreciated then giving birth to a baby. I don't wish to be disagreeing but I feel your comment "I would rather bring a spirit child of my own into this world and be a parent to my child." is offensive to many who have adopted and feel that their adopted child is just as much their "spirit child" and their "own" child as a baby they would have given birth to. I realize you are new to adoption, I am not angry just giving you a heads up. I hope you can come to peace with your wife. I agree with the other poster that you should NOT adopt unless you are BOTH on the same page and excited and enthusiastic about the adoption of a child as your own child. Not only could it destroy your marriage but it would be completely unfair to the child you would adopt.L

I do not believe in submitting to my husbands will, but my husband did not want to adopt at first and I new that it had to be a mutual thing. If not then the whole family would suffer not to mention the child. If you do not believe that it is right for you, then don't do it. I personally just quit talking about it except for a few hints every couple of months until one day the spirit must have whispered in my husbands ear. He was getting ready for work and woke me up and said, why don't you start looking into it today. Truth is, I had been looking into it all along. That was just the green light I had been looking for. Biggest advise PRAY with an open heart and FAST!! The answer will come.It is an individual choice. We have one bio son and after trying for almost 3 years to have another one, we decided that instead of infertility treatments that only gave us just over a 25% chance, we would spend the money and have a 100% chance. An adopted child is no different from a bio child. It just feels like yours. You love them just as much and you bios. You will not experience anything like bringing a child home. Either way it is special. Parenting is a big decision, the biggest you will ever make. both of you need to agree.Good luck in whatever you choose.

You are the priesthood leader in your home. You need to do some serious praying. I will tell you, when we started to think of adoption, we prayed about it and our answer was very interesting. We were BOTH told (after hrs in the temple praying and meditating) that we had not researched adoption enough to be asking for an answer yet. We were told to go and educate ourselves and then come back and ask again. It was really odd. But we met with the CW at LDSFS as soon as we left the temple. Got the info and an application...then held on to it for a few months...then we were inspired to turn it in one day....and we did...and do you know, the rules had changed in that few months while we did nothing...rules that now matter very much to us, but at the time meant nothing.Also we were childless for 8-9 yrs before trying to adopt. the answer about adoption as always an odd no, don't worry about adopting....but the way it all has unfolded, I now know why.....Our dd was meant to come to us, exactly when and how she did...and waiting to adopt that long would have killed me....so HF delayed answering my prayers with a yes so the wait would be tolerable.I do believe she was always meant to be a part of our family, even her bmom (non-member) made a similar comment about how much she felt that our dd was meant to be in our family. Adoption was not a last resort for us. We have fertility issues, but none that were dead ends....It may be that you need to educate yourselves in order to get the same answers to your prayers. And it may be that the timing simply isn't right. Pay closer attention to your feelings/meditations and examine them. A yes or no answser to my prayers is a very RARE occurance.....usually I am told something else as well. Ask your wife to be patient with you while you search and ponder. Ask her to research and ponder as well. some men i have known IRL, who are opposed to adoption initially, find that for them, adoption means defeat in some way...and its not until they truly examine their feelings, that they find misconceptions, or emotional hurdles that aren't logical I'm not saying, you'll learn about adoption and change your mind, maybe your wife will, but I think you will find yourself at least on the same page and not at odds as you are now.

Thank you for your comment. I did not mean to be offensive and I am glad that you understand a little. It is just hard for me to think adoption when I know that we are both biologically able, with no limitations or risks. We don't have our own children. She has said that she feels that she wants to save children that are either beaten or starved and need a better life and that is the reason that she wants to adopt. I struggle to agree when we aren't even parents and when we have the full capability to have our own, at least for the moment being... I don't mean to come to you with all my problems, but you seem to be wise and understanding and I was wondering if you had a little advice. Thanks so much already my eyes are starting to open up a little.

Thanks for your help. I want to be on the same page, but I just seem to be unable for the time being. We are newly wed and we don't have any children of our own yet. We are both physically able to have children without complications as far as we know. We haven't really even tried to have a child. But I thank you for your point about my feelings. To be honest I am not sure what I feel exactly, but I appreciate your suggestions and ideas. They helped me a lot.

I also don't agree with "submitting" to my husband but in our relationship, if we are trying to make a decision and one person says yes and one person says no...the no wins! I would have been devistated if my husband didn't want to adopt but for me...birthing a child is not an option! Maybe try and compromise...pray about having a bio child and before having each of your children...pray about where they should come from. Biological or adoption? There are many children in foster care who need homes but you have to be prepared to handle the issues and "baggage" (for lack of a better word) that comes along with some foster care children. I have had foster brothers and sisters so I know a little about that! Don't take this the wrong way (this is a completely personal and selfish opinion) but I feel that people who can birth their children should do just that and allow those of us who can not have babies to adopt those babies. I know that sounds really bad but it is my selfish feeling! On the other hand...I feel strongly that no one can tell you whether or not the Sprit is guiding you to adopt! Good luck!:)

Her attitude of "saving" is very misguided. I felt the same way, and my dd (adopted at an older age) could easily have been considered "not my own" because she went to another family first....but that was just the path she needed to take to get to our family.Adopting an older child and being a theraputic parent is not very rewarding....for a Very long time....the sense of accomplishment is few and far between, and always over little things. Every child is entitled to a decent home, so there will not be gratitude for the things you do for them...and it's wrong to expect gratitude for being "saved". Please understand my tone here...i'm not upset, just stating facts and opinions.IMO your wife wishes to adopt for the wrong reasons. And to do so would be a poor choice possibly tearing your family apart. the only reason to adopt an older child is because you feel you are meant to be that child's parents and despite the problems, you are prepared and wish to do that work, either because you are good at it, or because you enjoy it. Some children NEVER get healed.....most take years of hard work and frustration before you ever see any results of your parenting.....I don't want to scare you off, but she needs to be realistic, and unless she has educated herself, taken classes etc....she cannot truly know that this is what she wants. Millions of children need parents in the US. It's a hard job, but after a while you start getting genuine affection and seeing them implement the stuff you've fought so hard to teach them and the victory, small to others and long in the making is made sweeter because of how hard you had to work and fight to get there. Take classes (mandatory anyways for adopting out of fostercare) and check out books, websites and forums (special needs here on this one) and do it together...explore the option she seems to want and then you'll both be prepared to have an opinion....What you seem to want is what is in the divine plan for your family....but adopting and older child may be in that divine plan....but not just any child, there is a right one waiting to be found, one that you will KNOW was always meant to be in your family. If there is not a child waiting for you, you will feel that instead. Either way....your wife needs to understand what the job of parenting a hurt child will entail..... Google Oppositional Defiant disorder....visit [url]www.radzebra.com[/url] and research post traumatic stress disorder and FAS/FAE as these are all the most common issues to overcome.And remember, the birthfamily is a part of your family as well...either now, or later....think of them as another set of inlaws....your child does not lose that connection by gaining you...you are simply added to it. And, just because the child came to them first, does not mean they weren't meant for you...it only means they needed that experience as part of their own plan. Also, i have had people comment to me about "dealing with someone elses problem" in referring to my dd and thats quite hurtful to think that way...I consider that she had her challenges because i needed to devolp skills and talents within myself by parenting her, and she needed to overcome the challenges to develop skills and talents in herself, and had she not gone to her first family, she would not have the challenges she needed.....she is our first and only at the moment....and we never "exhausted our options"...we did a small round of fertility drugs and decided that the money would be better spent pursuing adoption....an avenue which is guaranteed to end in a child....fertility treatments are not.....and had we not had sudden mysterious fertility issues, we wouldn't have remembered to adopt.....something we both figured we'd do later in life anyway.

It sounds to me that there may be a deeper reason that your wife doesn't want to get pregnant. Has she ever been pregnant before and lost a child (that perhaps you're not aware of)? Is she afraid of being pregnant for some reason? It's rare that a woman would not want to have a biological child if she's able to.

I don't think it is that rare for a woman to want to adopt instead of have a biological child. We adopted first although we can have children biologically. And we adopted three at once. I am now pregnant. But for us, this is how it was supposed to happen. We knew that.I started feeling that we should adopt before my husband did. I told him what I felt, but I don't think I pushed him. I did ask him to pray, and he came to the same conclusion I did after a time. I just had to be patient. We did have family that thought we should have biological children first. To me the order was a non-issue. My suggestion would be to talk with your wife as openly and honestly as possible. Come to understand why she wants this so badly. Does she want it, or is she afraid, or is she being prompted? She should talk to adoptive parents too. You can't save every kid. If you are talking older children, there is a lot done that is not undone quickly or easily or maybe ever. She should understand this. A lot of people adopt no knowing what they will possibly be facing. Don't be the pessimist, help her be a realist. If you do adopt, you will have a better chance at success by just being informed.I'm sure she understands that when anyone has children, both spouses should be in agreement on when. Hope that helps.