Do I have the right to look for my niece?

Hello everyone! This is my first post. I am not sure how to move about this sight yet but it will come. I am confused and thought that maybe some of you can help out. My sister put her daughter up for adoption in 1970. I was 10 years old. My niece did live with her grandmother(my mom) for 4 months before she was taken. She was 6 months old. I say taken because that is what I remember as a 10 year old. A lady(stranger to me) came to our home and took her. My Mom could not stay there to watch her be taken and my sister never came either. It was just me and another sister and a family friend. I ask do I have the right, because I would like to find my niece but her mother has said that it is not anyones right to find her it is up to her to find us. My niece has a brother but he doesn't know about her. My sister has chosen not to tell him, and she forbids anyone else to tell him too. I don't know when she became a "secret" but it seems that it was just always that way! I know the reason why my sister put her daughter up for adoption,(or the reason she gave our Mother) I know the birth fathers name, (well, first name). I know that I have thought about her many times in my life as has my Mother and other sister. But do we have the right to look for her? My mom is 75 years old and she said that she would love to know how CA was, before she died. No she isn't dying now! She is in good health! But I would love to know what others thought. Thank you in advance.

This one is very difficult to answer because, well frankly, she is not your child, but I can sympathize with you. If my sister had placed a child, I would probably want to find him/her. This would really have to be your sister's decision. Maybe she could put all her information here and other forums. This would give her daughter everything she needs to find your family. Like I said before, this is really a tough call. Talk with your sister and have your mother do the same. Maybe mom can convince her to do this. Best of luck and I hope your sister realizes how important this is to your family.

My first question was whether your sister desired contact.... I think it's great that you want to reach out to your niece, as an adoptee i think that is very special - but if your sister specifically vetoes it, you may have to back off. To be honest, I'm not sure if I like my own advice but I think it has to be the starting point. I know there are many adoptees who would welcome contact from ANY family member but it is hard to know if your niece would want that. Hope you get some more (better than mine!) responses here!

Why does your sister think it's up to your niece? I know that I felt that while I was very willing to be found, I didn't want to disturb his life. BTW I didn't tell my other children until they were teens (actually, I told my son and he immediately told his sister). They were both with me when D came to my house for the first time and have developed their own relationships with D.

I forgot to add. My mother died after a brief illness at age 66 and never got to know how her oldest grandson "turned out!" I'm sorry D will not get to know her - she loved him a lot.

Hello all- Thank you for your responses. I will first respond to why my sister thinks that it is up to her daughter to search, because my sister made the choice to give her up so she believes that it is her daughters choice to search. That is basicly all she has said. My sister is a little hard to approach she is 8 years older than me. And she kind of seperates herself from the family. The other thing is this,one of the reasons why she gave her daughter up is because the father took off when he learned that my sister was mixed! So when my niece was born her father was already gone. And the little girl reminded my sister of him each day. She had brown hair and eyes and fair complextion, I'm sure that she doesn't look mixed. So as far as anyone talking to my sister that isn't going to happen! She believes that her daughter is only her business no one elses. I also want to say something that happened about 15 years ago or so. While on a trip with my two sisters. My sister that gave up her daughter had said that she got a letter from the agency that assisted her with the adoption. She said that the letter stated that (a) child had inquired about their birth family, but this letter doesn't mean that it was her child. It was standard that all birth families recieved the letter. I found that to be strange! She said that she had responded back to the agency with the information that it was asking for. Such as if this (was) your child would you be willing to have contact with them? I guess my thoughts about if it is right or wrong for other family members to search or not is that, My niece is not my sisters child anymore she is a grown woman. I respect my sisters choices, that she felt that she had to make 36 years ago. I'm sure that they were very hard on her. I know that they were. But there are others that love her and missed her and worry about what her life is like. The not knowing is so hard! Thank you! For your comments and advice!

Personally with my situation... My little sister has no respect for boundaries...she will do what she wants to do and doesn't care who it hurts. She has made comments time and time again that she will search for my daughter without my knowing. I was horrified. Also my sister will say that she is going to be at the reunion whether I want her there or not, again I'm horrified!! My DD recently turned 18, I've done everything I could to make sure it is well known where DD can find me. My Mom knows what I'm doing and her advice to me was not to let my sister know...because of the whole boundary issue. Now, that's my sister, I'm not saying all sisters are like that. (I'm starting to think I'm the only one with this sister issue) If my Sister was someone who has respects for boundaries and doesn't want to cross any lines to cause harm to anyone then I would say.... Try encouraging her to register online, encourage her to come here so she knows she is not alone. If you keep positive and upbeat about it then maybe she will start to wonder too. Just encourage her to make herself available and let her know you are willing to hold her hand through the entire thing...be her cheerleader. Some agencies don't pass on the information and some (like for my friend who's an adoptee) want a $1800 fee before providing the birthparent info. Don't push it as Searching, just encourage her to make herself easier to find. Maybe your sister is scared and just needs some reassurance. You know what your relationship is like with her, if you approached her out of love how do you think she would respond? If my sister would of done that then I might of been a little more willing in letting her in. Actually, I wish my Sister would have more respect for my boundaries (and DD's) because I would love to have her ride this emotional roller coaster with me!!! It was killing me at Thanksgiving when I couldn't tell her what I found out.

Your niece is a grown woman; she is still the birth daughter of your sister. We do not cease to be our parents' children when we become adults. (Admittedly it's a different relationship.) If you read much in these forums you will discover that there are many adults in their 30's, 40's 50's who are searching for their birth families. Did your sister say what she told the agency when they contacted her? As I said, I felt similarly to her - that my son should be the one to make contact. Ultimately though, I was the one who found him and iniatiated contact. He chose whether or not to respond.