I finally have the courage to share my story!

Wow, i am so glad that you felt you could share your story here. I know how hard it can be to hide a pregnancy from everyone, and fear a families judgement. My family is also fairly conservative, especially when it comes to family and children, etc. Although the circumstances that led to my pregnancy are very different from yours I know what its like to be young, alone, and scared. I turned 24 a month before my baby was born. I didnt really connect with my baby until she was born either. It was like there was an alien inside me that I would have to contact with. But having the baby alone, I was the first to touch her and hold her and spent an hour alone with just her. As much as you prepare yourself by not connecting with her now, know that it all may change when you give birth. I in no way think you are a cold person. You have made a life changing decision for the betterment of yourself and more importantly your baby. Good luck and be sure to send me messages throughout your journey. I'm definitely here for you.

You can still keep this pregnancy from your family and still get prenatal care and deliver in a hospital. PLEASE go to the doctor. I don't want to scare you, but there can be complications in pregnancy and delivery that are life threatening. You can still work with a doctor, hospital and an agency and maintain your confidentiality. If you need resources in your area pm me. You are not alone any more...

JuiciJ: I could have written this 15 years ago. Feeling this was DOES NOT mean that you do not care for this baby. For me it was quite the opposite. I remember being so afraid to feel anything for my DD because if I did I would change my mind and keep her and I knew deep down in my soul that it was not the right thing to do, and if I made a decision based on emotion, I was afraid she would suffer the consequensces of a life that could have been better, KWIM? I too did not tell family or close friends, but I was hundreds of miles away at college. The only ones who knew were my friends at school, who were amazing. But I did not cry or lean on them. I hated talking about it. I told my ex in my 7th month when I statred the adoption process because I had to. (He knew I was pregnant, but was so in denial he refused to accept it until it was jammed down his throat. I told him I had an abortion because that's what I had originally planned to do, but I didn't have the heart to go through with it and did not tell him I changed my mind because of how unsupportive he was) Here is how it turned out for me: My DD is 14, is amazing and beautiful and is happy. Her a family loves her more than I could begin to say, they are wonderful people. She has the life I wanted for her. I don't regret my decision whatsoever. I can't even imagine a bit how my life would be if I raised her. I'm sure it would be wonderful, and I'm sure we could have gotten by, but honestly it truly worked out for the best. I have only recently connected with her a-mom again We had informal open adoption arrangements, but I backed away when she was 2 1/2 becuae the emotions were too hard to control. I was afraid of them. I could have watched her grow up and been a part of their lives, but I had been in denial so long that when I began to feel, I ran. I regret this. As I got older, I began processing my feelings gradually, and I have now come to a point where I realize its OK to love her. It's Ok to be curious and want to know her. The feelings arent so scary anymore. Feelings do change with time and maturity. When I wrote to the a-mom to ask if we could start to talk again, I told her that she must have thought I was so cold, but that the truth was I loved her so so much and I was so afraid. She told me that she never thought I was cold, in fact she thought I was brave and confident and the fact that I was so certain of my choice showed how much I did love her. That made me feel so much better, because looking back, I felt so cold hearted. I don't think you are Juici. I think you are trying to get through this the best way you know how. My advice to you is to try not to block out this pregnancy enough so that it is unhealthy for you or the child, physically or emotionally. Get prenatal care, you are an adult, and HIPPA laws prohibit health care professionals to disclose medical information to anyone without your consent (I did not seek medical care until I met my daughter's a-mom seven months into it. I also was not very healthy, I regret this as well) Deliver in a hospital, you never know what could happen, and the truth is that heaven forbid, your family will be much more devistated if a complication happened than if they found out you were pregnant. Also remember that your feelings most likely will change over time. Feelings are funny, they are like buoys, we can hold them down but they always rise to the surface eventually. Secrets get harder to keep. Dont make decisions now that will not accomodate a change later. I don't know if you have decided on open or closed, but keep that in mind when you do. It is quite possible that you may not feel comfortable with an open adoption, and thats OK too. Right now I am trying to process things enough to tell my family about my DD. I look at her pic and want to tell EVERYONE about her, but it is quite sad to realize I can share with so few people. the longer the secret is kept, the harder it is to tell. I wish I had just told them sooner. I did not have counseling back then I would definitely recommend it, although I admit I wouldn't have taken it back then. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. You are not alone here. Best of luck to you !!!!!

I'm glad you found courage to tell your story, as we all have one and they are all interesting and valuable. I felt the same way about MH... That she wasn't 'my' baby.. That I was just carrying Aparents baby. I was 150% confident in my decision with adoption. I knew from 1 month pregnant that adoption was right for me. That did in no way stop the pain. I thought the same thing.. I was just about to start college, I would loose the weight, snap back to my old self. And you are already a mother so you know how the process goes, but with adoption - it's a little altered. I am only telling you this so you can be prepared. There will be pain and heartache. I prepared as much as I could, I didn't yet find this board, or talk to anyone else who went through an adoption. You shouldn't feel guilty because you don't 'feel bad'. You shouldn't feel bad about the adoption, or feel bad because you don't feel bad. Do you know what i am trying to say? We are all here for you, no matter what decision you make. But I guess I just wanted you to know that I felt the same way you did, about getting on with life and letting the past be the past.. Whenever someone would ask me about the baby.. I was pregnant in the summer, no way of hiding it.. but i didn't want to.. i enjoying every second of being pregnant... anyway... Whenever I would get questioned about the baby to be.. I would tell whomever about the adoption plans and that's just how I felt a[FONT=Verdana]ppropreiate [/FONT]to answer. I didn't want to take credit for this baby. EVERYTHING changes when you have that baby. It was a hard time.. It still is.. 2 1/2 years later.. and it always will be.. I see my daughter a lot, and I named her, etc... It doesn't make it easier. I guess I am saying don't assume you won't feel anything. You will and it will be hard... But that's why God made us women :) He knew we could handle it :) :) Good Luck - If you want to talk.. PM me :)

I want to say thank you to everyone for replying to my message! I definitely feel a lot better sharing this, even if it is on an anonymous message board to strangers, lol. It has actually made it a lot easier to deal with rather than harder. Just wanted to share a few additions to my post..... I AM seeing a doctor. I have had ultrasounds etc and me and the baby are doing well....by no means did I plan on not seeking medical care during my pregnancy or having my baby anywhere other than a hospital! Just wanted to clarify that. I am also working with a wonderful national adoption agency that has really done more than I could even ask for to help me out and take care of everything in a way that keeps me involved and makes me feel comfortable. On Friday we discussed what preferences I have for the adoptive parents/family (race, religion, family structure, location, if they already have kids, etc) and I am waiting for some information on potential families to come in the mail. My adoption specialist has been wonderful and has assured me that my decision to keep this adoption private to everyone in my life is okay and actually nothing out of the ordinary. She said she has handled many many adoptions this way so that made me feel a lot better. I am so thankful for them!!!! Mainly my struggle has been with lying to everyone around me and keeping everyone in my life at a distance with no good explanation....I have been avoiding almost everyone for the last few months and it has just been so hard and lonely, especially during the holidays....Im generally a social person so I know everyone is wondering whats up with my strange and distant behavior.... I have no expectation of this being easy now or ever....I am just confident in my decision and therefore ready and willing to accept anything that comes with that. Thanks again for everyone's replies and well wishes!! I will continue to post updates

I'm glad you found a good agency to help you through this. I too kept my pregnancy a secret. I was only 16, however, and got pregnant the very first time I had sex. I was ashamed, and kept it a secret from my friends...making up stories as to why I had to leave school. I didn't think I wanted to see my son or have any contact after he was born, but the social worker handling my adoption had me see him in the nursery through the glass, and later arranged a couple of visits in her office. Back when I placed my child, there was no such thing as open adoption, and even if there was I'm not so sure I would have taken that option. At the time I thought my son would be better off with his new family, and that I would get on with my life, and we would both be better off not knowing each other. I don't remember what he looked like, and all I have are two polaroid pictures and an anonymous letter from his birthparents. I just want to share with you my experience, so that you might consider your options. I regret not spending more time with him before he was placed, and I am so grateful for the social worker encouraging me to see him. Although I might not have opted for an open adoption, I really wish I had that choice to make. I think over the years it would have made his birthday less painful for me....and trying to push the feelings I had for him away for the past 21 years I think was really damaging for me. I engaged in a lot of self-destructive behavior, not really knowing why, and always wanting to stop, but it was a way to not feel, so eventually I would always return to it. I have recently just started talking to my friends about it, and a couple of them were friends I had when I was pregnant. They have been nothing but supportive, and I wish I had been talking to them all along. Shame and secrets will eat you up inside whether you recognize it or not. I am so relieved to finally be talking about it, and I have no plans on stopping. I am going back to the same agency to talk to someone about all of the things that I kept inside for so long. I have managed to do some great things in my life. I recently graduated with my Master of Social Work, but no accomplishments I have made in my life made the shame and the pain of keeping my secret go away. Its only been through talking about it with those that I care about, and those that care about me that I have started to heal. Be good to yourself, and please consider giving people a chance to be supportive of you no matter what kind of adoption plan you choose to make.

Dear JuiciJ,You are not alone. I gave up a child concieved right after getting married (with one son of 4 yrs. old already), from another father I was married to for 11 yrs. Within two months of marriage, I found out this man had lied alot about his past and he was one sick puppy, who basically lived a double life. Even though I knew I could be a good mother, I also knew that it would be tough trying to be the single parent of two children whose fathers could care less about them. The daughter I gave up deserved two parents who loved her, not just one (me). Because of his "sickness" he would not be allowed to be near her, so it would be better if I could concentrate all my energy on my son, as having two young children can really sap your strength! Adoption was the best thing for everyone involved, especially the child. You are not being selfish, but instead being caring loving and generous for allowing another set of parents who cannot have their own child a chance of parenthood, which I would not give up for anything in the world.It was an open adoption, but I preferred to stay out of their lives after giving them the gift of family. If it were me as the adopting parent, I would not want to constantly include the birth mother in every aspect of the child's life because the child was given away for me to take care of because the birthmother cannot adequately give the child 100% attention when they have to work and share their time with another child. Your 3 yr old deserves to have you all to herself and if you are a single parent still, you need all the time spent with her that you can while she's young. That's especially true if her father is not very involved in her life.I'm glad too, that you didn't have an abortion. That would not be good for anybody except line the pockets of the abortionist while you deal with the guilt. I had faith that this child would be in a good home, as both parents were elementary school teachers. The only hard part is that when you have to read the adoption papers when the phrase "permanent" is mentioned. Even though I knew I was not going to change my mind (there was too much at stake for the child), it was hard to read that phrase because I knew I could be a good mother (I actually was one!) and that even though it would be nice to have a sister for my son, that in the long run, this child still deserved two parents to raise her and I couldn't guarrantee that option.I understand your reasons for not wanting your parents to know as they may think you're being careless, etc. but I think that this is something that is best kept a secret for all concerned.One of the factors to lead me choose adoption was the fact that my parents already raised a bunch of children and I didn't feel they should have to help me raise mine. I lived with them for 5 months before I left to go to the state where the adoptive parents lived and after being able to work and support myself and my son, I was now having to rely on their financial help when my pregnancy continued.God forgave me for rushing into a marriage instead of trusting in Him to find the right man to help me parent my son. God would forgive you even if you had had an abortion, but I'm glad it worked out this way for you.Now, you have to forgive yourself for that one bad choice you made a long time ago (like who doesn't make bad choices, right?) I made mine and He has forgiven me and since then, has blessed me tremendously. The child you give away will eventually thank you for having the courage to admit that it is tough being a single parent of children whose fathers don't care enough to be in there lives and would just as soon pay for the abortion than to even act like a father should.Soon, you will make a whole other family the happiest they have ever been and that is something to joyous about. I never have had any second thoughts on my decision, and if the circumstances were the same today, I would make that same decision. You will be giving a couple a blessing and you will be blessed for doing it.There used to be a stigma to being a birth parent. The old statement "how could you give your child away" is not an issue any more. Why? Because I know people that are not fit to be parents abuse their children and even kill them and that is a worse tragedy than allowing someone the gift of a baby because it was not planned and the father won't be around to care for it either. So tell me, which is better, beating your child, like you hear in the news nowadays, or lovingly giving a couple the right to be parents? Where is the stigma for being a totally unselfish person who knows that a child does better with two parents instead of a single parent who already is working hard to be a mom and a dad. I feel adoptive parents cherish a child so much that they feel as if that child is really theirs to raise, love, teach, etc.Please believe one thing. The gift of your child to a couple is a awesome thing you are doing. Whenever you are thinking of that baby, think of the joy, love and memories you are giving those parents. In my book, that makes you an incredibly loving and caring person!FYI: I married an older man who has grandchildren. I now have an adopted grandson from South Korea who is just the cutest and funniest little guy I know. His parents love him just as much as other parents love their natural children and so do I. You see, I'm a nanny and I know children and I know parents and their is no difference in how much they love their children, biological or not.And my grandson loves his "Nana", and that's all that matters in this world, right? Take good care of your daughter and I'll pray that you find just the right couple to bless with your baby. Also, I look at my child as actually God's and that I took good care of it for 9 months so that I could give this couple a healthy child and that is the best blessing parents could ever hope for.May God continue to bless you as a parent,

Hi JuciJ,I read your post and want to commend you for trying to put your child's best interests first. I read the quote above and wondered if this agency is providing you with the counseling you need prior to and post-birth? I know you are happy with your agency but you have plenty of time to select an adoptive family for your child.Counseling by an ethical agency should be offered and provided free-of-charge. If you are happy w/this agency please consider counseling as an option prior to placing your baby.Good luck to you!