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I am not sure how to handle my Mom. It has gotten totally out of control. I am a 40 years old, and my Mom is constantally acting like I don't know how to take care of my DD. She always says "I think she needs a change", or "aren't you going to change her" even if I just changed her and she isn't wet. She always thinks DD has a poopy diaper, when she doesn't. My DD has NEVER had even a hint of a diaper rash, so I must be doing something right. I finally started firing back at her for crticizing me and it made matters much worse. The other night when she was harassing me about changing her diaper, I just said, well why don't you do it. (BTW- I was in the middle of drawing her bath, so that when I changed her, I could give her a bath and clean her up, it wasn't like I was not taking care of her). She then said I didn't have any clean clothes for her. I had 2 clean outfits, one of which was sitting on the changing table right next to her. I ended up hanging up on her yesterday. She said don't expect them to change diapers or help out etc. And I should be like this after all they have done for me. They love their grandchild but for some reason she is just going off on me constantly. I'm pretty devastated about all of this. Being a Single Mom, family support is helpful, but I think I am just going to try and do without it for awhile. They hardly ever babysit her anyway. I won't keep them from her, that wouldn't be fair to DD. I just don't want to be around while they are with her right now. They make me feel like their Nanny when I am. Oh, lets play awhile, oh, hand her back so you can change her diaper and then I will take her back. I mean, how hard is it to change a diaper? I think what I will do is, I won't ask them for help, but if they want to pick her up and spend some time with her, I will let them. I just don't want to be around. Does anyone else go through this with their parents or inlaws? I just don't know what to do. It is so depressing. I would appreciate any advice if any of you have any suggestions.
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Oh--I am sooooo sorry--you are right--family support is very important as a single parent. I am also a single parent. Has your mom always been like this? Have you told her how you feel when the moment is not heated? do you have friends nearby? Could it be that your mom is not being critical, but instead is trying to "mother" you? I know that I sometimes have to remind my mom that I am 40 and that while I appreciate her advice, I've been around for awhile. to which she always responds--"just wait until your children are older--it is hard to just stop parenting!" Do you think perhaps she is upset about something, and she is acting out by nit-picking your parenting? My only advice is for you to please remember that while family support is important--so is a happy, unstressed mommy! Take a break if you need it. Perhaps you could use friend support right now instead of family until this sorts out--which I am certain it will. Again, I am very sorry this is happening to you. I wish you were nearby I would love to give you some help. Sending good thoughts and a hug your way!!
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this right now. I was wondering if your mom has any other grandchildren. My son was my mom's 1st grandchild and after I had him she starting acting so weird and doing things like you say your mom is doing. She criticized me on every last detail. It drove me nuts. Finally on one occassion we talked when she was less abrassive and it came out that becoming a grandma was a big life changing thing for her and it made her feel old and this is where her anger was coming from. Mind you she was 64 at the time and I was 31. After a while she came to terms with this big life altering event as I tried to remember if she got this weird at every big milestone in her life and yes she did. She's sucked it up and is totally fine now but I can only wonder if she'll do this again when grandbaby #2 comes home. I hope not! That was so stressful. Hang in there and try to figure out what the root cause of her feelings are. It's kind of fun to psycho-analyze our folks.:hippie:
I feel so bad for you and know exactly what you are going through! My mother has always been high maintenance and when my son came my mother became super critical while not doing anything to help! I finally talked to her and she said she wasn't helping because she remembers how annoying it was when her mom was "hands on" with her children. So I told my mom I need her help and she has to change diapers etc while she is with US!! This seemed to work, its almost like she wanted me to tell her I (we)needed her help. I also think my mom didn't like the attention going away from her and to the baby and maybe that is what your mom feels????Best advise someone gave me about my mom was "don't let her hijack your life"!Good luck!
tybeemuffin
I ended up hanging up on her yesterday. She said don't expect them to change diapers or help out etc. And I should be like this after all they have done for me. They love their grandchild but for some reason she is just going off on me constantly.
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I just want to commend you for your attitude regarding your daughters contact with her grandparents. My situation is much different, I have almost no contact with my family, but I have never ever let that stand in the way of my son’s relationship with his grandparents…he shouldn’t have to pay for our issues!I am told, often, that I am crazy for bending over backwards to make sure Jerrett has the relationship he deserves, but I feel strongly its important for him.Recently, my son has come home repeating comments my mom has made to him about me (he is 12) and that has necessitated the suspension of unsupervised contact – which really breaks my heart, because my son loves her so much.I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there with difficult family relationships and it can work :)Good luck – like the others, I suggest you stand your ground!
I think your mother is having a hard time switching from parenting to grandparenting role. My paternal grandmother had a pretty dominating personality, and mom and dad and my brother and I lived with her and my grandfather for five years when we were growing up. I think mom felt "squelched."
When our first daughter was born, mom swore she'd never ask if Rosemary needed a sweater, because she felt like Gramma had second-guessed her parenting all the time with us. Yet, she said, the first thing that came to her lips when she saw Ro was, "Do you think she's cold? Does she need a blanket?" And Rosemary was born in June! Mom said she clapped her hand over her mouth and said to herself, "oh, no! I can't believe it!"
Of course, Mom was nowhere near as controlling as Gramma had been, so I wasn't as upset about her comment as she was!
It could be that your mother has temporarily turned into the person she didn't want to/shouldn't have become!
Carolyn
I'm sorry you're going through this with your mother. As other posters have suggested, is it possible to talk to her about it? I can sure relate, even though Sabrina isn't home yet. I sent my Mom a video of our last visit trip, because I wanted to share our adoption journey with her. She called me after she watched it to tell me how upset she was that I had let her baby granddaughter crawl around on a "hotel bedspread" full of germs :eek: !!! Apparantly I was suppose to put a clean towel underneath Sabrina everytime she was on the bed. And Mom kept saying things like..."Laura, I know you're an inexperienced mother...bla...bla...bla". WELL, NO MORE VIDEOS FOR HER!!! :rolleyes: Seriously, I know it's my Mom's way of feeling needed. I think she feels she doesn't have much else to offer her 45-year old daughter, who has always been extremely independent. Except her "pearls of wisdom". I plan to have a talk with her and gently remind her how upset she used to get when my grandmother critized her parenting skills. And also reassure her how much I need her love and support, even though I'm pushing 50. Best wishes in working things out with your Mom. :hippie:
Awwww, you poor girl. I dislike moms, in general. I don't have one of my own, but I have a MIL and most of the time I'd like to take her scuba diving with a large rock tied around her foot. We were there for a few hours in Christmas and in that time she told me Addy was 1) hungry 2) thirsty 3) needed a diaper change (just changed) 4) was exhausted 5) needed her pajamas on. All that in 4 hours. She constantly acts like I don't know what I am doing even though I am on #4 baby. Before we left for Guatemala my dh was talking to her and telling her some things that she would have to do with the kids (she took them over the weekend) and she said to him, "You always act like we dont' know what we're doing with the children!!" and my dh said, "Welcome to our world! You always do that to us!" Well, she didn't talk to us for 5 days after that (oh the peace, how I miss the peace). So the bottom line is I have no advice for you, but I can tell you that a break might be what you need. I find that if I can just take a couple of weeks where contact is minimal I can get my head screwed back on straight and can tolerate her a little better. I'm sure you'll get better advice...and if you do, pass it onto me please!!!
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Sounds like your Mom just realized her baby isn't a baby any more (you) and now she's trying to parent your child. Take a deep breath. Call your Mom and invite her to lunch. Get a friend or another family member to watch the baby (if you can't - invite Mom over during baby's nap time and make lunch). Tell your Mom you appreciate her support and help but you are at a loss as to why she is constantly correcting you and then shut up and listen. As much as we all think we are going to be super moms and dads the minute we have our child (whether biological or adopted), very rarely are we 100%. I have, much to my dismay, realized that Mom does sometime know best. My mom was lashing out at me too - one day I just called her and said - I need your help (can't remember what it was but it was a question on what to do in a situation with a baby) and she was so excited that I asked her for help I realized that she needed me to need her. It took us a while but we are now in a point in our relationship that she is comfortable saying "Hey - stop giving Dylan so much milk - he's using the sippy cup for nursing and you need to wean him from that" and for me to say "really? I hadn't thought of that" and then - as Dylan's parent - decide whether or not to use the advice (she was right and I did). I can also laugh when she tells me I'm a bad Mom because I don't feed him enough (he eats tons - she just likes to tease me). I hope you and your Mom are able to work things out soon. Wishing you and your family a Happy & Healthy New Year! Julie
Since no one has ever accused me of beating around the bush, we took a very direct approach. Now it may be the therapist in me as well, but take it for what it is worth. Sam is not home yet, but my mom (bless her heart) was starting in about "this and that." (I think the "starter" was his eye looked like it was crossing.) I look at it as "misguided energy/love/concern." I knew that it would continue unless discussed and I knew it would create a wedge in our relationship, as well as her with our son. We didn't want that as I know you don't either. I called her calmly and said something like, "Mom, we love you and we love that you are so excited about your grandson. We appreciate that more than you will ever know." Then I asked her, "You aren't really concerned about our parenting abilities, are you?" (Her - "NO - not at all") Me- "Why would you treat us as if you are then? Followed by, "Mom, we need you to know that your "help" is unacceptable to us. We are Sam's parents and we are both 150% committed to him. Raising him will not be a "group project." When you criticize our parenting (and he is not even home yet!) you make us feel angry and resistant to your suggestions. I do not want a rift between us, but there will be one if you continue. Do you understand that?" And then something like, "I appreciate what a great job you did raising me. Now it is your turn to just have fun with your grandson." Now, keep in mind, that this will always have to be maintained (behavior modification, if you will). But I felt it was only fair to explain my feelings (not assume that she would know) so there was no "confusion." My *hope* is that she will lay off and there will be many days where I seek her advice (what she wants). I knew that it would accomplish nothing to argue or stew in silence. I hope this helps and wasn't too "psycho-babbly"...I think it is important to clearly spell out how you feel and establish/maintain boundaries...Good luck!
Another thing to consider is your mother's age - I am close to your age and I know what kind of issues my parent's are having. Is it possible that this is a very visible symptom of another problem. What kind of stood out to me was harping on changing a dry diaper and saying there were no clean clothes when they were right there. Just something to consider.
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I think we all go through stuff like this with our mothers and for the most part they are doing it to be helpful. Even though it can be annoying to us to be told what to do. A big part which another poster commented it on is how our grandmother's treated our mothers. Take the break and I bet she will call you since she wants to see her granddaughter and try to pick a quiet moment and talk to her. And Laura in your post you wrote...She called me after she watched it to tell me how upset she was that I had let her baby granddaughter crawl around on a "hotel bedspread" full of germs :eek: !!! Apparantly I was suppose to put a clean towel underneath Sabrina everytime she was on the bed. My mother went with me on the trips and wouldn't let me put John on the bedspreads either. A towel had to be under him at all times!!!