Telling older kids with a bond

I think your worries about your SD's feelings are valid, and I might suggest some counseling for her to deal with this. I am only saying this because DH was 9 when his Adad adopted him. As an adult he always felt as though he betrayed him and when he died...although he had not had contact in over 8 years...contemplated changing his name back to his birth name. He was very torn in his grieving. He felt as though he was betraying his a-dad by grieving so openly, yet it was more of a grieving for the person he WISHED his b-dad COULD have been. Just the same, his family was not very supportive of his grief as they saw it from the perspective of "he walked out on you, and HE has been there for you, so I don't see why you are so upset". It is tough, and I think that had DH had a better support system, and counseling when he was younger, he might have fared better. He was never told...until his b-dad died...that he cried the day he signed the TPR papers and that it was the hardest thing he ever did. He also knew he was doing what was in his best interest. Rather he had the impression that he was doing this to get out of paying child support and relieve the CSP debt that he had. It was SO complicated...and adoption was not like it is today back then. Best of luck to you!

I think counseling is a good idea, since we don't want my sd to have any feelings of abandonment. They have already gone through enough of that from bmom. This wasn't easy for bmom to do, and we thank God that she finally did something in their best interest. I want these kids to grow up safe, happy and knowing that they are loved no matter what.

I adopted my DS when he was 9. It sounds somewhat similar to your situation. He knew who his mom was, he just only saw her a few times in his life (she'd pop in and then disappear for a couple years) before I adopted him. My point is, there will be feelings of abandonment and it's not really something you can prevent, if that's what it is. Kids, even young ones, can see reality and they will feel what they rightfully should feel. What you can do is help them feel secure and safe in your home and your family and loved no matter what. You can help them heal, bond with them and grow as a family together. You can't prevent feelings that are natural and just. What you can do is help them to cope and deal with those feelings, heal and move forward. With my stepparent adoption, we did our best to answer any questions logically and directly, with age-appropriate information, and to provide counseling during key transitions. At the beginning he clearly "tested" me with his anger and hurt about her. Once he felt secure (I "passed") then he regressed and starting bonding with me more like an infant or toddler (snuggling, lap sitting, wanting to be held and carried, fall asleep on me). As much as I loved how much he wanted to please me in the early stages, once it was clear he took me completely for granted (like just about every other kid :rolleyes: ) that's when I knew the emotional process was complete, he was no longer angry, hurt or scared. He was just going his merry way like every other kid. That whole process was probably 2 years. So your daughters will feel what they feel about it. Don't try to "prevent" that or they may feel their feelings aren't allowed or welcome, or are wrong. Just be open to whatever their feelings are, help them to cope with it and assure them daily of your love and commitment to them.

Thanks for that perspective. I know I can't prevent feelings, but it sure is hard to what to say to begin with. They call me mom and I've been the one who makes lunches, kisses ouchies, reads bedtime stories, etc. How do you tell a child that the one who wasn't really ever there for them has finally decided to let go of them? What kinds of questions do kids this age ask? I just don't know what to expect. :confused:

It is hard when we know that our kids are going to have to face the ugly side of life, adult life, before their time. And first and foremost I want to commend you on doing what you can to be prepared for how your daughters will feel, and what you can do to help them! No matter what you say, they are going to feel abandoned, and they are going to blame themselves, that is what children do. They do not yet understand the complexities of adult lives and simply think and feel that if they had done something different, been a better kid, a cleaner kid, a better listener etc. then their birth parent would not have left. It is important to let them know that this is in no way their fault, or their doing. That even adults make mistakes and do not always make the best choices in life. That no matter what their mother loves them and will always love them, she just isn't capable of being a mom to them. Let them know that it is okay to love her, and that it is okay to love you too. Just as your heart is capable of loving the two of them, their hearts as well are capable of loving two mothers. Counseling is an excellent idea, and did wonders for my adopted stepson. His mother walked in and out of his life several times, the last being when he was 11, so he had a very hard time with feeling as though he had done something terrible to make her hate him, when the reality was she just couldn't handle the situation. As they get older and can understand more about the world around them, they will understand their own situations better. Do not ever bad mouth their mother and while not making excuses for her behavior try to help them to understand the reasons that she cannot be a mom to them. As long as the children are not put in a position where they feel as though they have to choose one of you to love, her or you, then you should not have too much trouble with loyalty issues, but that does not mean that you will not face any loyalty issues. Couseling and open, honest communication (on an ge appropriate level will go a long way in helping them to heal the wounds of losing their bmom, and accepting the adoption as a positive part of their lives. [url=http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com]Stepparent Adoption Blog[/url]

Thank you stepadoptionblog. I really apreciate all the advice I've been given! Are there counselors out there that specialize in adoption situations? K

I don't have a recommendation handy, but also be sure to get a psychologist who is a specialist in children the ages of yours. There are many child psychs who are often brought in to help navigate and sort through custody disputes, etc. and thus have much experience with counseling kids through these traumatic family events. As for what questions, we never got a lot of questions at once. They were more spread out over several years as a situation would prompt him to have a particular question. They ranged from curiosity to anger. Each one we tried to be both truthful and kind.