Adoptive parents who favor their REAL child.

I hope I don't come off as a total jerk. I found this forum/post while searching for "parents who favor their adopted child." My parents adopted my older sister when I was 10 and she was 14. Since they made that fateful decision my life has never been the same. From the minute she arrived my parents began to over compensate where she was concerned. There is nothing they would not buy for her, nothing they would not do for her because afterall, she had previously endured a difficult life. This would not have been so difficult to accept if their attitude towards me had gone unchanged. At x-mas time I would receive clothes. She would not only receive clothes but diamond earrings accompanied by a matching tennis bracelet, tv's and stereos. The difference was blattant and severe, and when I would say anthing to my parents about it they would sternly remind me that I was blessed with a wonderful life while she had, had a rough beginning. She had received several new cars, they paid for her school, paid for her wedding etc...While I drove used cars, paid for my own school and my own wedding. While in her early 20's my sister began to have problems with drug addiction. They paid for lawyers, treatment and various other bills stemming from the trouble she was in. While I have never had legal issues, during times of trouble (for instance when I lost my job)there has never been any money to help me out of a bind. If my parents were questioned as to why they had money when my sister needed help yet never had money when I required assistance, I would be told that my sister suffered from drug addiction because of her horrible childhood. And since I had a wonderful childhood, they simply weren't compelled to help me. Now we are both in our 30's married with children, I find this behavior extends to our children. While my parents can not make it to my childrens birthdays or manage to visit on the weekends they are always available to my sister and her children. You see, my sister does not work and her husband does not make enough money to support their family, so she requires their help,support and assistance. My husband makes twice as much as her husband so they "don't feel sorry for me." My mother is always available to watch my sister's children if she had an appointment, wants to get her hair done etc. I ask my mother 3 times a year(at most) to watch my kids. 2 out of three times she will tell me no- why can't my husband watch the kids?? My son turned 6 last month and because my parents had a hefty list of yard chores so they chose to mail my son's gift rather than attend his party. My nephew turned 5 this past weekend and you can rest assured who was at the party. My kids are both starting to notice that grandma and grandpa spend a lot more time with their cousins. I'm not certain how to explain this to them and I am becoming increasingly resentful towards both my parents and my sister. Though I realize their behavior is not her fault I shouldn't have to explain to my kids they are second best because their mother is the natural child of their grandparents and because their mother had 10 years of childhood bliss we must all be treated like inferiors for the benefit of my sister-their aunt. It would not surprise me in the least if I found out I am not even included in my parents will. I fully anticipate my sister receiving the bulk of any inheritance because God knows she deserves it- afterall her first 14 years were tough.

I hope I don't come off as a total jerk. I found this forum/post while searching for "parents who favor their adopted child." My parents adopted my older sister when I was 10 and she was 14. Since they made that fateful decision my life has never been the same. From the minute she arrived my parents began to over compensate where she was concerned. There is nothing they would not buy for her, nothing they would not do for her because afterall, she had previously endured a difficult life. This would not have been so difficult to accept if their attitude towards me had gone unchanged. At x-mas time I would receive clothes. She would not only receive clothes but diamond earrings accompanied by a matching tennis bracelet, tv's and stereos. The difference was blattant and severe, and when I would say anthing to my parents about it they would sternly remind me that I was blessed with a wonderful life while she had, had a rough beginning. She had received several new cars, they paid for her school, paid for her wedding etc...While I drove used cars, paid for my own school and my own wedding. While in her early 20's my sister began to have problems with drug addiction. They paid for lawyers, treatment and various other bills stemming from the trouble she was in. While I have never had legal issues, during times of trouble (for instance when I lost my job)there has never been any money to help me out of a bind. If my parents were questioned as to why they had money when my sister needed help yet never had money when I required assistance, I would be told that my sister suffered from drug addiction because of her horrible childhood. And since I had a wonderful childhood, they simply weren't compelled to help me. Now we are both in our 30's married with children, I find this behavior extends to our children. While my parents can not make it to my childrens birthdays or manage to visit on the weekends they are always available to my sister and her children. You see, my sister does not work and her husband does not make enough money to support their family, so she requires their help,support and assistance. My husband makes twice as much as her husband so they "don't feel sorry for me." My mother is always available to watch my sister's children if she had an appointment, wants to get her hair done etc. I ask my mother 3 times a year(at most) to watch my kids. 2 out of three times she will tell me no- why can't my husband watch the kids?? My son turned 6 last month and because my parents had a hefty list of yard chores so they chose to mail my son's gift rather than attend his party. My nephew turned 5 this past weekend and you can rest assured who was at the party. My kids are both starting to notice that grandma and grandpa spend a lot more time with their cousins. I'm not certain how to explain this to them and I am becoming increasingly resentful towards both my parents and my sister. Though I realize their behavior is not her fault I shouldn't have to explain to my kids they are second best because their mother is the natural child of their grandparents and because their mother had 10 years of childhood bliss we must all be treated like inferiors for the benefit of my sister-their aunt. It would not surprise me in the least if I found out I am not even included in my parents will. I fully anticipate my sister receiving the bulk of any inheritance because God knows she deserves it- afterall her first 14 years were tough.

I sincerely hope everyone realizes that favoritisim happens with all families, adoptive and non-adoptive. My suspicion is that it gets read into more in an adoptive situation because it's easy to point the finger at adoption as the cause. I just wanted to point out that it's INCREDIBLY common among all types of families for mom/dad to "favor" different children. They love them all the same but may treat each one very differently. Sadly, it's just too easy to waive the finger at adoption as the cause. No one in their right mind would say anything about the birth family that has the "good seed" child and the "bad seed" child. One of whom possibly mom favors and the other of whom possibly dad favors. You can't point the finger at anything in that situation. It's very convenient on the other hand in an adoption situation to waive your finger. Frankly I think it's a sour grapes argument. What about the adopted children out there who are favored beyond imagination and grow up to be doctors, lawyers, business leaders, etc... versus the birth families who have "bad seed" unfavored children locked up in prison? It happens on both sides of the fence. You just choose to look at only one side.

That is completly true ! myyounger brotehr and sister are both adopted and my whole family favors them ( im not jelious I spoil them too ) it has absoultily nothing to do with genetics

.......and alot to do with these parents being pre-screened thru a homestudy. Someone missed "it". One would hope and pray that a child placed would be relatively safe from any abuses in an adoptive home. Emotional, or physical. Someone dropped the ball.

What about the adopted children out there who are favored beyond imagination and grow up to be doctors, lawyers, business leaders, etc... versus the birth families who have "bad seed" unfavored children locked up in prison? It happens on both sides of the fence. QUOTE] You have NO idea what you are talking about!! It is NOT sour grapes!! Of course I would only look at one side because it's the only side I know. This thread is for supporting people who have had to deal with this , not bashing them. I don't appreciate being compared to a bad seed, either. Why don't you start a thread about adoptees who were favored, if you know so much about it!!!

My AMom treats me differently but my ADad doesn't. They are divorced so it is easier to seperate the feelings. No anger toward the natural son of their's for this circumstance. Took a long time to come to terms with the issue...It's not me but her and it's not about who I am it's about what I am.

My adoptive parents had two of their own children, 1 boy and 1 girl, then my adoptive mother had a few miscarriages. In 1966 they adopted me, then when I was 3 they adopted another boy who was 5 yrs. That still left me at the bottom. I have been treated like I was adopted my whole life by adoptive mother(not my adoptive father), but because my adoptive father seemed to favor me over all of the other children, she made my life hell.(I love her and wouldn't be me without her, but someone else may have been nicer to grow up with.) Even though I am the only child who still helps everytime she calls and I am the only who stayed at the hospital on a roll in bed, but a disabling back injury, I am still at the bottom. I was just informed the other day that she is leaving most everything to my older brother(her natural child) eventhough he was abusive to me and my children and now her. I understand how you feel, but God put me there for a reason, and he has been with me the whole time. I grew up to be very strong and independent, intelligent and compassionate, despite her. I may not have made it thru my injury and everything that I have had to deal with because of it, if I hadn't gone thru what I went thru with her. So take heart and know that in the end, it is only you that is there 24-7 for the rest of your life and if you like who you are....No matter how favored you are would have mattered.:flower:

Britt42 I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have not been through this myself. I am an adoptive mother and I fight for all of my children to be treated fair. It hurts my heart that in some cases this is what has happened. I come here to open my eyes to others realities. It does concern me that this is the case. Best of luck to you.

COMPLETELY in the same boat, 2 older bio sibllings... dad adopted me, a-mom had no choice, so i find out now, she only wanted to adopt to get a boy... dad accepted me from bio mom anyway, despite that i'm a girl... the sisters... both mom's girls, everything done, bought taken care of for them, cars, ins, rents, college.... i was bussing tables at 11 and waiting tables at 14... and straight through college, bought my own cars paid own ins... all of it.. supplies, all of it. Incredibly inequitable. Hurt SO BAD... did any of them give a crap... NO! any time i brought it up my mom would say i was oto sensitive. and my sisters would get snide and say i was being too "Cheap" to go get myself something so i was begging. MORE reason to remain self-sufficeient as i have been. But this year has been the worst... my mom died, a month before my own first child was born... but as i was home grieving and beaing prego/dealing with then delivered Darling son.... my dad and sisters dealt with my mom's estate who left everything to my sisters and my 1 nephew. AAAGGGHHHH.... I can't help but remain so hung up on this... my dad and sister had attempted to hide this from me as well... and they're REALLY bad at keeping secrets, and i'm not stupid... BUT i can't let this go... i don't know how to get over this. Mainly the combined inequity and being made to feel so adopted through my whoile life and this seems to have been the last straw. TOTALLY venting... any suggestions to get over this would be appreciated.

Your story really compelled me to reply for a few reasons. 1st- I think you need to address this with you mother- If she dies before you do, you will resent her for it for the rest of your life. Communication is SO important, and it's important to tell her that her actions and her words make you feel like you are less important than your brother. Put her in your shoes and ask her how she would feel. She is your mother and you are her daughter. 2nd- If she doesn't agree to add you in the will, and still shows favoritism to the brother, you should say that you would love to be the executor of her estate but given the situation, it would be too painful for you. I really feel sorry for you; I can't imagine the way you must feel. DNA isn't necessary to make a family a family, and it's sad that your mother doesn't see this! I just want to scream "What's wrong with her???" Good luck addressing this with your mother! I really hope you do. You owe it to yourself!

To follow up on the previous poster who pointed out that this happens between bio children as well here are some thoughts. I am the executor of my parents will and more specifically of a trust which leaves all of my parents money to my biological brother. My parents have explained to me that they are very proud of me and my ability to care for myself and my family and how I am in no need of their financial assistance but my brother is another story. He is a kind hard working man but is not as self-sufficient or successful as I am and has always needed more from my parents than I have. This has nothing to do with how much my parents love me but rather with what my brother and I as individual children need from them. So I am happy to help my parents with this task after they are gone and proud that they trusted me with the task and the ability to understand their chioice has nothing to do with how much they love me. The truth is exactly as they have said my brother needs the help and I don't and as a parent you try and give each child what they need and love them all equally. The point is that the response to the other poster who tried to point out this happens in bio families as well was missed. The adopted child said simply that it hurts more if your adopted but that assumes the adoption figured into the decision by the parents at all. If the parents motivation was to favor one child over another because of biology then I agree the divested child should feel bad and the parents deserve to be chastized. However it is just as likely that the parents were simply trying to love each child according to the childs needs and not their biology and thus the adopted child should not feel slighted.

Britt42, how is it going?

I couldn't help but smile when I read the topic line. I would have to say that if anything I experianced just the opposite. Now in reality my parents (had 3 kids and I was the only one adopted) treated us all pretty much the same. But the fact is with 2 girls and 1 boy(me) I will be the one who will carry on the family name. My parents are both dead now and the oldest child (I was the youngest) executed the will. Everything was divided equally. However there was about 100 acres of land to divide and my parents specified that I get to pick first which part of the land I wanted. It was becasue the girls had taken some of their "share" earlier in order to build homes and I had never taken any. We always kid around about how my parents like me more. I came along late in life and I think by the time I got here they had mellowed a lot so I got away with more and had more freedoms. (my sisters still whine about how my dad bought me a car but not them LOL) But I can see how some parents would treat the "real" kids better. Its a shame and I was blessed never to have had that problem.

I know your post is quite old but I had the exact same thing happen to me. I was broken hearted. Not because I wanted anything but because I felt like I wasn't his child. My mother said she wanted all of the family belongings to stay 'In the family's. I said 'What does that make me? He was the only father I ever had'? She didn't have an answer and she didn't seem to care. I wasn't even allowed to have his coffee mug. Luckily, my Grandmother set up her will as a trust and my mother had no choice but to include me in that part of her will. My mother gave all of the heirloom jewelry to my brothers wife who left him for another man. I laugh at the thought of her precious heirlooms in an entirely different family or better yet pawned. I've never gotten over the rejection and I still struggle with self worth. My birth mother wasn't much better. She withheld my father's name until after he passed. She didn't realize I knew his last name, so when she gave me his first and middle names, I was able to track down his family. Ifound three amazing brothers and my father's wife has become the mother I always wanted. I feel like I'm finally part of a family. That said, I was going through some old photos the other day and found the family tree my adoptive mother made. Me and my children aren't included. My father died 22 years ago and my mother 9 years ago but things like that bring back the pain like it was yesterday. I've never met anyone who had the same experience as me, no one understands why it hurts so much but it does, right to my core.i hope time has healed some of those wounds for you. It breaks my heart to think that you might be feeling what I feel.