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Ok, I've looked all over for similar stories, but I think we are unique. I am a new stepmom, soon to be an amom. My DH ex is not a bad person, but has put the kids through a lot just by not being around. She left them with my MIL when they were little so she could go party. My DH tried to get her to take responsibility and act like a mom, but they finally got divorced because of the lack of it. He got custody (yay!) and he and his mother raised the girls. When he and I got together they were still quite young. Bmom had visited a few times, but was never interested in being close. She didn't let them kiss her on the lips, only her cheek, has forgotten birthdays and was totally in her own world. She moved to another state when they were 3 and 5, met another man, got preg., married etc. When we got engaged, our youngest was so excited to tell her. (She already knew, my DH had called her) So sd tells her now we have a mom who will live with us! Bmom is very upset and immediately moves her family back here. We tried to have a good relationship, even inviting them to my parents house to spend time with the girls. From the beginning, even though she moved back to be closer to them, she had problems. Was angry that they had grown up while she was gone. Tried to treat them like the toddlers she had left. Had her H threaten my DH for what we still aren't sure! Finally we said enough of this crap and had our lawyer explain what state laws for visitation were. Then she started missing visits, then weeks of visits, finally didn't even want her Christmas time with them. Out of the blue, DH gets a text "will K adopt them?" Wow!!! So she signed TPR, and we are moving forward. Problem is that she is divorcing, and plans on moving back to other state. But she wants to stay in the girls lives, and doesn't want them to know I am adopting. We have to tell them because the judge will be talking to them, but we are also not sure if it's even in their best interest to continue a relationship. My DH is so tired of her treating the kids like they aren't important. She says she "needs the kids to make her happy!" What about what they need??? Ok, sorry so it's so long, but not many people outside our family understand, and they all want us to discontinue all visitation. Thank you for listening! K
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We have a similar story to yours. The biomom gave custody to my dh and his mother so that she too, could go and party. Bounced in and out of my stepson's life after coming back into it for the first time when he was about three and a half years old, which means he actually remembers MEETING his bmom. She too couldn't be bothered until she heard that I was in the picture. We went through the same rush to be mom of the year, only to have her efforts quickly fade away and leave my stepson hanging. She was emotionally abusive towards him and the little bit of a relationship that they did share was rocky and hurtful. Out of the blue she cut contact and soon was no where to be found. After a year of hearing nothing we went ahead with the stepparent adoption. If the bmom is not a stable person, and cannot consistantly be in your daughter's lives, then do not let her in. It is not fair to set the children up for heartbreak as she goes through her cycles of wanting to be a mom, and then forgetting that she is one, let alone how to act like one. If she is stable, both emotionally, as well as in her life and choices, then I would say letting her be a part of their lives would not be harmful to the children. It would be very similar to an open adoption arrangement, which is very common in domestic adoptions in the US. Only you know how the bmom is, what her habits are, and if she would be a posotive influence in the kids lives. If you do not think that direct contact with the children would be a good idea, then perhaps you could send the bmom update letters and pictures every so often, contact such as this is generally referred to as a semi open adoption. Once she signed the TPR she gave up all of her parental rights to the children, so ultimately, it is completely up to you on if she even sees the children, or has any contact whatsoever at all. [url=http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com]Stepparent Adoption Blog[/url]
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It's great to hear someone else who understands! It's been really hard on them because when she is around they try to please her so she'll stay. Then they are hurt when she leaves. My DH and I just don't want her bouncing in and out of their lives on a whim. They have done so well since we got married because they are safe and know that I'm not going to leave. I was so worried that since they do know her that not letting her see them would be worse than this rollercoaster, but hearing you say you've been there makes me feel better. Thank you! K :happydance:
Your situation sounds very very similar to what ours was. I was the stepmom doing the adopting. Bmom had been in and out a few times, with years passing in between. Do what is right for the girls, period. Even if it makes someone else mad. If you can't take someone being mad at you over a decision you make in your child's best interest, then parenting isn't for you. We enlisted a child psychologist who spent some time alone with our DS where he could talk through things or answer questions, and the psych was also able to observe interaction with the bmom and make recommendations, as a sort of mediator guarding the psychological well-being of our son. We were also able to get written reports and recommendations from him that will go a long way in explaining things, should our son ever question why things went down the way they did, and it's from a mental health professional engaged for him, not for us. This part can be bumpy, but if you are going to be a parent you've got to be able to handle bumps, lots of them and sometimes big ones. Our son is grown into a very centered confident young man and will be heading to his first choice college in the fall, on an academic scholarship. He knows who his bmom is and is welcome to contact her at any time with our help and support. He also knows who his parents are and we love each other like crazy. He's 17 and we hug goodnight and say "I love you" every day. Just today I heard, "You're the best mom ever." :-) It wasn't smooth sailing to get here. But it was very worth it. Hang in there. The ride can be rough, but mother-love is a powerful thing. It will drain you and challenge you and sometimes even hurt you. But your child becoming an independent competent and confident adult is worth it.