flower girl in birthmoms wedding?

I have been to three funerals in my life. Once when I was 11 and my 19 year old cousin died. Once when I was 16 and my own mother died, and once when My husbands grandfather died (and let me tell you what a mess that was, with a bunch of people who didn't get along and who were already upset byt the loss of their loved one.) However it is different when your talking about meeting with memebers of the birthfamilies extended family adn friends. Remember..... this was not an infant placed at birth. This was a foster- adopt situation. I could imagine that not everyone would be too excited to see us. Many might feel we have no right to have her. Some might look at us as "baby stealers" as though we were the one who took her child away. I believe kids should learn about death and that funerals/graves are good places for kids to really understand what it means. While I didn't believe going to the funeral was best for my child. I did bring her to the grave site a little while later. It had her great grandma and great grandpa's picture on it and we talked about what death means and about heaven and talked about our memeories we did have with her great grandma and how special she is. We've been back to that site a couple other times as well since it is not far from my house. I think there are appropriate times to meet birthfamily members and friends for the first time....but I just don't think funerals are that time. Especially when they are already feeling the loss of a loved one....to add another loss....that just seems like a bad combination. Weddings may be a better time. At least then everyone is already in a good mood.

ok....I'm feeling a little better. I just got off IM with the grandmother and it sounds like she is the one that kinda pushed her birthmom into asking(same one who is pushing for the wedding). She is the one who brought it up to the birthmom in the first place. Asked her if she thought about asking us if my daughter could be a flower girl. She said she had thought about it some but didn't think she should. She thought we'd think she was pushing some boundaries. But her mother kept pushing saying it doesn't hurt to ask. Only it did hurt.....it hurt ME. I've been agonizing over this from the moment she asked me a couple days ago. Not being able to sleep and venting to you guys like crazy. Well, her birthmom hasn't even checked her e-mail yet so the grandma said she would tell her we wrote her one. So she will probably find out tonight. I hope she takes the news ok. I think she will. I think she already knew the answer anyway. Thanks for all your help.

I agree with Tara, making the decision is fine. But using the birthfamilies feelings as your reasoning isn't really apropriate. That's their decision. Just as attending or not is your decision :)

We would do it. We wanted our son to be a part of "as many" milestones and significant life events of both families.Ours and his first family.At first it may be uncomfortable,but we never promised to only be open when it was easy. Some of our best memories started out with discomfort.Just my own experience and opinion.:coffee:

My daughter's birthmother was planning a wedding and she asked my daughter to be the flower girl and we were very excited about it. In the end she didn't marry but it would have been a good experience I'm sure.

I think what some people are missing here is that foster to adopt is different then domestic adoption. In a lot of foster to adopt situations parents rights are taken from them for various reasons (drug use, abuse,negilect) they do not volunteer to give up heir children their children are usually placed in protective custody. The parents are then given a course of treatment to complete in an amount of time (sometimes 2 years or better). If they complete it they are reunited with their children if not TPR is usually what follows. Most of these parents resent the adopive parents or foster parents. It can be a difficult situation. In my state foster to adopt situations any open relationships are up to the adoptive parents. Just a thought.

I think you are 100% correct here!

I can now also see that foster/adopt is very different. Very difficult. That's why I do think my compromise suggestion would perhaps work. then they both have that special photo and boundaries are not pushed. It sounds like bmother respects your boundaries better than bgrandmother. I too have found over the years that my parents have not respected my bdaughter's aparent's boundaries as much as me. I think they think that they know best - ya know - and I know that my parents don't understand the dynamics of adoption.

That's exactly our case... Daughter was brought into fostercare at 14 months. We then had her for 1 1/2 years before her birthmom HAD to make the choice to sign away her rights or they would have opened a case on her brand new baby she was parenting and she would have lost them both. We were finally able to adopt her a few months after she turned 3. The grandmother has actually been very supportive of us from the begining. She is the one who helped us keep this relationship open without her support through all this we WOULD NOT still be in contact. The birthmom had a lot of anger and resentment and blame and it was directed right at me....I was the enemy. She even admits that now as we are finally able to talk to each other about it. But she never had to say it I certianly felt it all along the way. In fact we've had to take a break from direct contact in the past....and this time last year after everything fell apart I had to tell them we would no longer be having contact other than me writing them and sending them updates on her birthday each year. It got that bad. But in the couple months after that her birthmom really opened up to me and we've worked through a lot and now we are more open than ever....but I do so very cautiously... as I'm trying to put the past and hurt behind us and move foreward but it's not always that easy...infact it is extremely difficult for me. I just take it one visit at a time...only when I really feel up to it. I still feel overwhelmed at times by all the emotions of it all...and sometimes I just can't see them or talk to them and I've found that it's best if i don't during those times. The idea of attending the wedding is something I'm certianly considering. But the idea of watching my baby girl in her wedding as one of her daughters/flower girls as the rest of our family sits and watches just doesn't seem right. Maybe it's because of my expereince as a flower girl. My parents got divorced when I was 6 and shortly after she re-married and my sister and I were her flower girls. We were in the wedding because we were a part of that family unit being built. And really that is the way I see it for her as well. Yes, she will always be a part of her birthfamily, but i see it more as an extension.....not as a child of their marriage and family unit. It just seems wrong to me. I don't see how it will benefit ANY of us. It feels like a LIE to me....if that makes any sense. For her to "pretend" that everything is all honky dory and that both her daughters are "hers" and part of her marriage/family unit. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that. But I just think it's important for us (my kids)to look at our families as two distinctly seperate families....yes we are connected....but as extended family members. The idea of her including her in the building of her family unit...just doesn't sit right with me.....in our situation.

[INDENT]I would say stick with your decision. You know this family and you know how people may react. I tried myself to have a relationship with my son's bmom but it hasn't worked. She is more concerned with herself. If she calls (hasn't since nov) it is all about what she is doing. I have to bring up my son and hen she wants to hang up. I gave up. I would never tell my son the "truth" about what went on. I think it would be horriable to find out your mom said point blank she never wanted you. He will know she loved him enough to want a better life for him. What she may tell him in the future is on her. Good Luck[/INDENT]

I just wanted to restate....Your decision to not involve your child is fine - TOTALLY your decision. In fact I'd probably make the exact same decision. I just think saying your reason is because it would be too hard for THEM, is not apropriate. Just own it :) kwim?

Thank you Leigh. These are my thoughts exactly.

Sorry....I have to dissagree with you on that one. I feel it is very appropriate for me to consider how it will affect her on that special day. Seeing that many times I feel she does things out of obligation or to prove something...or becasue she is being pushed to do it....rather than her doing what she feels is actually best for her. For example....the whole reason she asked (because she was being pushed to get married....and becasue she was being pushed to ask me). If it really was a priority and the greatest desire of her heart to have her be in the wedding....she would have come out and asked me. Rather than reluctantly and quickly asking on IM when we were talking and then just gliding over it....if she REALLLLLLLY wanted her IN the wedding....she would have made a bigger effort to talk about it and discuss it rather than just casually bringing it up on IM and then quickly moving onto another subject. Don't you think? Then she would have asked me about it or talked to me about it the very next day while we were visiting. Or she would have talked to me about it after she recieved my letter. But other than that very brief question, she has not touched on the subject again. Anyways, I agree it shouldn't be my ONLY deciding factor....but I feel it's certianly appropriate to consider her feelings.

I think you have more then thought this through. I see your mentioning the fact that having your daugher being there would be a disruption as something that would effect the wedding and your daughter. People are curious and do whisper and talk. You did mention that you had more then just that as a concern. Again Foster to adopt is totally different. Most bfamilies don't really understand what really happened with the children because they only get one side of the story. Everyone has an opinion I respect that but I can follow your way of thinking. God Bless. The picture was a good idea if the bmom was willing.

Totally appropriate to consider her feelings. It's not up to me to tell you what you should own, or not, because none of us know what you are going through down to every last detail. Sounds like you have put a lot of thought into it and hindsight being what it is and all, the bmother may look back and thank you for this one day.