I Found My Birth Mom On Facebook And Am Confused With Life

Hello PadmeBlue and welcome to the forums. I'm on the opposite end of a very similar situation. I placed my son for adoption when I was a teenager. I placed him with a couple who went to church with some friends of my grandparents. I had the benefit of always knowing where he was and that he was doing well. He was raised to know that I loved him and wanted him but was in a very bad situation and wanted him to have a different life than I could have provided for him. I do love him, I think about him every day, and I grieve for him. We made contact via fb each in March of 2011. He said that he wanted to get to know me, he wanted to be a part of my life, he wanted to be a big brother to the son that I am raising, and he wanted me in his life. However, every time I have tried to make arrangement to meet him, he has backed out. I really think he is afraid of hurting his parents feelings if he develops a relationship with me. If I send him an email or fb message it will take him weeks to reply, if he replies at all. I'm pretty sure he must be feeling the things you describe. So, I don't have any advice. I just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone. (((hugs)))

Padmeblue, I can't think of a single adoptee who hasn't had the same emotions you are feeling right now - please believe me when I say the feelings are completely normal. Right up front: You are not being disloyal to your parents unless your only intent in searching was to remove them from your life and replace them with your biological parents. Really think about that statement because that is NOT the intent I heard in your post. You want to know who you were born to be, your lost history, your story - none of that has anything to do with your family - it is not rejecting, it is expanding an existing family - yours. Remember, you can't replace years of love and familial feelings, memories, events - you are just adding a member of your family - your other mother who was always there, just not present. As to not being wanted - another common feeling but until you know your story, you don't know if you were desperately wanted but that option was not on the table - or you were unwanted. Every single day does not sound like you were unwanted- rather desperately wanted and loved. Freaking out is pretty normal - we grow up believing we will never know, and finally decades later we are given the key, the key works, we become afraid of the very thing we truly wanted. My best advice - take it slow - I find instant messaging to quick, too fast, too overwhelming for my personality. I think you should send her a message back, short and sweet saying how you feel: example only - it has to be what you feel, you are freaked out because you never thought this day would come, you want to do this right and not fall into the trap of emotion overload by rushing. Ask how both of you can get to know each other slowly - ideas: don't reply for two days, or snail mail, or commit to confirming receipt but being honest in whether you are overwhelmed by feelings right now. However you proceed - remember to BREATHE...keep coming here to talk... As to your relationship with your family - most find it actually gets better. Welcome, Dickons

Dickons has offered you some wonderful advice.Your parents knew you had a whole other family out there before they adopted you. They had a choice in whether to adopt. You didn't have any say.... This idea that we belong to only one family is as mythical as leprechauns. Parents can love more than one child. We can love more than one mom. I agree with Dickons. Best advice I've ever heard about reunions is to take it slowly and build a solid relationship. It is easier (and less painful) to build the relationship slowly than it is to have someone say things are going too fast and have them pull back from the relationship.And, reunion definitely does make you start thinking about the alternate universe that could have been your life. It's quite the ride. But, things do settle down with time.

Hi Padmeblue, I had been searching for 20 years with no luck and then my birthmother found me August last year so it is all still very new and raw for me too. I too went through (and am still going through) a roller coaster of emotions including all the ones you have mentioned but everyone has their own way of dealing with this torrent of emotion, you have to try and figure out the best way for you. This is perfectly natural and I found talking to my husband helped but to be honest finding this site is also helping as communicating with others in similar situations is fantastic. It will take time for all these emotions to settle down and it is hard coping with any information you get about your birth mother as it does make it real, it makes it very real but it can be a good thing. I am finding that I now understand myself better and different things that have happened over the years make sense now. This in no way takes away from my adoptive family being MY family, I believe now I have a much larger family. I don't believe that finding information about biological family is a betrayal of your adoptive family as they are your family and always will be.I would now prefer that we had take things a bit slower than we have but I in no way regret contacting them. It is an amazing ride that's for sure, I think though once you have relationships sorted out it can be a wonderful thing.All I would suggest is take your time and give yourself a chance to breathe and sort through your feelings and keep looking through this site. I know it is helping me and it helps to communicate with people going or have gone through the same issues.Good luck

Dickons - your post was breathtaking! Your wisdom as an adoptee and how you handle yourself and your adoption is just beyond impressive and such great advice. PadmeBlue - You don't have another identity. You only get one of those. What you have as Dickons said is another mother out there who from the sounds of it always loved and thought about you. Your gaining another family member (or members). As an Amom I can tell you that you are not betraying your parents. You're just found the "rest" of your family. You've got a bunch I imagine. Your adoptive parents didn't take you in when you weren't wanted. They wanted you and so did your first mom from the sounds of it. You were extremely wanted and I imagine loved.Best of luck on your roller coaster ride and keep listening to the smart advise you get from the ones on here who have been through it. Breathe.... :) Congrats on finding your additional family!

Hi Everyone, Thank you so much for responding to me and talking to me about it. Dickons I felt a lot better when I read your post to know that other people experience the same emotions that I am having. I took your advice and took a few days before messaging back, I figured a few days wouldn't hurt to wait. I kept my message short and explained of how I felt overwhelmed. She has written back to me a couple of times and even took a picture of the adoption order, which I am really grateful for, but I haven't written back yet (about 3 weeks ago).I still feel so much anxiety over this I need to think about it. As you guys said it's okay to take time and I really don't want to rush into anything. I am kind of feeling guilty though for not responding for so long, but I just can't do it yet. I want to write back, just every time I think about it, it gives me massive panic attacks and anxiety. I think once I work up the courage and just do it when I feel ready again I'll be happy and relieved I responded.L4R you're totally right. I think what is helping me get through the whole "adoption identity" thing is reminding myself that my adoptive parents did have the choice of adopting a baby and know that I do have a whole other birth family out there. It wasn't our choice at all, and going on in life we need closure to find peace with ourselves.How have you all approached the reconnection thing? Have you kept your birth family completely separate from your adoptive family? Like I think almost it would be better if my adoptive family never knew I was in contact. I don't know -__-. lol sorry for being so winey everyone, thank you so much for your words, they all help. It's great that there is somewhere that we adoptees can talk.

Thank you Trmaree for sharing your story and reassurance on the matter. Much appreciated and it's soooo relieving to talk to others. I think you are so right with describing the situation, it really becomes so real once you reach the contact point. Don't you wish we could just skip to the relationships settled out point? Send me a message if you ever need to talk :). Thanks again.

Hi Padmeblue, you are welcome, that's what we are all here for, to talk and help each other out. I maybe only new here myself but already it is helping me. There are so many wonderful people on here.I know that guilt is apart of this whole process (I am going through alot of it right now), if you are feeling guilty about not replying to them why not send them a quick message to say that you are trying to sort out a few things but will get back to them when you are able, that you have not forgotten about them.I was lucky with the reconnection, my bfamily and I just clicked almost straight away and the similarities are incredible between my bfam and me. I have had many phone calls with my bmother which lasted a couple of hours and my bsisters are awesome, haven't met or spoken to my bbrother yet. I could easily fit my bsiblings into my family I am still having trouble working out in my head where and how to put my bparents in the family. I am working on it but I know it will be a long slow process. My aDad passed away nearly 10 years ago and my aMum has alzheimer's and wouldn't be able to cope but my asiblings are wonderful and have actually said to me that no matter how much they love me, and they do, they can not answer questions about where I came from whereas my bparents can and my asiblings totally support me in this. I feel guilty because all I want to do is talk to my aDad and a Mum about what's going on and I can't which makes me feel a bit like I am doing this behind their backs and theres the guilt. Did your afamily know that you were searching for your bmother? If they did hopefully they will be supportive, I certainly hope so. You need to be honest with everyone but most importantly with yourself, yes there are other people involved in this situation but unless you are honest with yourself and give yourself time to sort out what is going on you will not be doing anyone favors. This is one situation where you have to put yourself first because if you can't figure it out for yourself how are you going to make others understand where you are coming from.Best of luck and just remember we are all here

Hi, Padmeblue. I think you'll get a dozen different takes on how to handle adoptive family + birth family now that you're reuniting with your birth mother. Everyone does it a bit differently.So the best that I can say is, do what works best for YOU.For me, I'm uncomfortable hiding my birth family like they're something shameful. I share many mutual friends with my sister and her husband (as I was initially friends with him - I set the two of them up on their first date many moons ago). I didn't want to have to beg friends to keep secrets on my behalf, or keep my news entirely to myself to prevent the word from getting to my brother-in-law and sister. I'm also a mom, with a 4 year old who never stops talking. Even if I wanted to keep my birth family a secret, he'd eventually out me by talking about his "new" family at the wrong time. So for me, what seemed best was to let my adoptive family know that I'd looked for, and found, and was welcomed by, my birth family.Now, that did not go over well, in my case - my mom and my sister, in particular, have been struggling with the knowledge that I've reunited with my birth family. They've both been hurtful and vicious and...well...let's just say it hasn't been one big happy around here for a while. I don't really discuss my birth family with either my mom or my sister (and rarely choose to do so with my dad, who, unlike them, reacted with compassion and understanding). But at least I'm living out in the open, I've been honest, and I know that I'm doing no wrong, so I've got nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide.Some people feel comfortable having their adoptive family involved in the nitty gritty details - and their families are supportive and interested. Others feel it's best to keep adoptive and birth family as far apart as possible. And pretty much everything in between. Find the right balance for you, and go with it.As for responding to your birth family. I know the emotions of reunion are intense and overwhelming and there's just so much to deal with. But, like Trmaree said above, if you can find some way to at least send a short message to your birth family, to let them know you intend to respond and just need a bit more time to process everything in your own mind, I'm sure your birth mother would appreciate that. I know from my own reaching out to my birth family that the wait to hear back can seem like it lasts FOREVER when you're in limbo. So if you can find a way to dash off a quick email just assuring her you'll be in touch soon, it will probably mean a lot to her.Of course, if even the thought of that quick email causes major anxiety, well, that's a different issue. The emotions about adoption are huge and tangled and twisted and complex. The emotions of reunion are even more so, I sometimes think. So if you're really struggling with anxiety and guilt and all kind of other strong, difficult emotions, you might want to consider seeing a therapist to help you work through it all. This is MAJOR stuff, and sometimes having someone listen to it all and help you start sorting through it can be immensely helpful.I will say, though, that you are doing NOTHING wrong by being in contact with your birth mother. I know it's so easy to fall into guilt and feel like it's an issue of loyalty or whatever... but really, it's completely separate from your adoptive family. Try to lay down that burden of guilt, because I assure you (and I'm sure plenty of others here will do the same) - you do NOT deserve to carry guilt for this. I wish you the best of luck going forward with your reunion!

So I just started looking for my bio mother and half siblings. I have asked and received info about my adoption from the adoption agency I was placed in. I know my bio moms name bio grandma and four half siblings names. I was able to find all of them on Facebook over the weekend. However I do have a question for anyone who can help me. If I were to send my bio mom a message on Facebook would she receive it since we aren't Facebook friends? I have po box addresses for her and my bio grandma however I'm not sure how current they are. Also I don't have phone numbers for any of them. Any advice on how to proceed? :love:

When you send her a PM on FB, you can pay a small fee, usually $1, to have the message go directly into her usually inbox.