Need advice for my daughter..

You don't just have to sit her down and let it all out. You can slowly begin to teach her about adoption, by reading books about adoption, as well as watching cartoons, such as Mrs. Spiders Sunny Patch Kids ( I believe it is called, it is on the Noggin channel.) The cartoon is based off of a children's book about a spider whom was adopted, and then adopted other orphan bugs once she grew up. It is a very cute show, I have never read the book though as my stepson was older when his adoption went through. Once you teach her about adoption and what it means, and the age appropriate where babies come from, you can then begin to let her know that another man helped to put her in your belly ( or however you want to say it) but did not feel that he could be a good daddy, so he left, and then you, and even she met her 'daddy' one day and he loved both of you so much and still does and wants to be her daddy forever. You can make a lifebook for her, which is like a scrapbook which tells about her life and her adoption. Take your time explaining things to her, it could take several days, to several weeks to get it all out, and a life time for her to work it all out in her head and heart. finding a counselor to help her through all of this would be a great idea. Don't paint her biodad as a bad guy, just someone who wasnt able to be a good daddy. If you paint him in a bad light, then she will see part of herself as bad once she makes the connection that he helped to make her, so she is part of him. Her understanding of adoption at this age is limited. The discussions should be short, and several, as opposed to one long drawn out lecture. Practice what you are going to say before you begin talking to her so that you are comfortable speaking about it. If you appear nervous about it, she is going to be nervous about it. If you are relaxed, okay, and excited about it, she will take your body language and know that whatever it is that you are talking about it okay, even if she doesn't understand it right now. At this age she is going to take more out of your body language and attitude than what it is you are actually saying. Adoption is not something that can really be understood quite yet. Once you get comfortable with what you want to say, you can begin slowly to approach the subject, and take your cues from her. When she has had enough for the day let it go, when she is curious about adoption, talk about it. [url=http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com]Stepparent Adoption Blog[/url]

Thank you so much for the advice. My husband was playing with my son last night when I was getting her ready for bed, and she asked me if daddy used to play with her that way too. I was tempted to start the conversation then, and probably should have, but we're trying to set up a time with little distractions where she can ask questions and not have to sit alone to think about it too much. Plus, we would both like to discuss it with her, not just me. Thank you again, you've been a great help!

Do please do it as soon as possible. It's much better to just be woven into her life than a later big reveal. Do you have any pictures of bdad? 'Cause that might help. Also, don't be afraid to find a child psych and go for at least session just to "check" and make sure that she's understanding and assimilating things. A good one knows how to relate to kids and help you understand. We brought in a child psych to consult/advise during some rough times and it was good to have professional guidance now and then.

Well, we discussed the adoption with our daughter this weekend. She didn't ask much about her bdad, but she gave my husband a big hug and said that she loved him and that she was happy. I'm not sure if it really sunk in or not, but she tends to take things and mull them over for awhile before coming back with more questions, so we shall see!! I didn't go into a lot of detail just yet. We told her that I was married to another man a long time ago, and he helped make her. Then I said that he didn't know how to be a really good daddy to her, so we went to live with Grandma. That's when mommy met daddy, and then daddy met her. Then we all fell in love with each other. That's when she smiled and piped up and said, "and you and daddy went to get married!". We asked her if she remembered when we got married, and she said yes. Then we explained that daddy wanted to be her daddy forever, so we had to fill out a lot of papers and take them to the judge so the judge could decide if daddy could be hers forever. We also told her that a lady would be coming to our house to make sure that we were all very happy and good to each other. Then we said that if the judge said it was ok, then they would change her name to match ours. She was a little worried because she doesn't know how to spell it, but when my husband told her he would show her how, she was happy again. Then we said that when all of that happened, that is what adoption is. That adoption is the judge saying that daddy can be hers forever, and her name would change forever too. She seemed very happy with all of this, so hopefully we don't get too much argument from my ex-husband. My ex-husband sent us a letter at the end of last year saying that he would only let my husband adopt her if we gave him his child support money back, and paid off some other money that he owes. Our attorney told us that's illegal, so we're not going to do it, and we're filing for the adoption anyway in the hopes that the judge will terminate his rights and approve the adoption. I will keep you all updated. Thank you again for the wonderful support and advice!

I am current going through the same situation. I just wanted to comment that it is definately illegal for him to ask for child support back, and the fact he asks for you to pay money he owes is ludacris. I was told by my attorney that if an adoption goes through the non custodial parent still owes for all back support. I don't even want it, but he is still obligated to pay it. I wish you the best!

Thank you for the support! It's nice to hear that (unfortunately) someone is going through the same thing. You might want to check with FL, but in MI, if I ask Friend of the Court to not pursue back support (which my ex also owes), they will clear what he owes me, but still go after what he owes the court in interest, processing fees, and service fees.I hope all goes well for you also. Keep me updated on your progress. I know it's slow, but in the end I think it's worth it!

My lawyer told me if an adoption goes through he still owes all back support. I will find out about clearing that, if an adoption does go through cause I wouldn't pursue it and try to make him pay if an adoption did go through. To me that isn't right. That is FL law though, but I will see what the laws are here about clearing that. I will keep you posted! Good luck!!

Do you feel a HUGE sense of relief after telling her? We went through a very similar situation but chose to tell our son when he was 8 or 9. Once it was done, I felt so at peace. I hope things go well for you!

I do feel some relief, but since she's so young, I'm waiting for her to ask the questions. I don't think it has sunk in, or even means anything to her just yet. I do feel better knowing that I've at least opened the door for more discussion. I just hope that my ex-husband doesn't drag things out and be too argumentative about it.In the past, he has requested trials for just about everything, and then doesn't provide anything to the courts, so it just ends up costing us more money in attorney's fees! He doesn't pursue anything either, so it ends up being a wasted appointment that the court could have used for someone that really needed it.We have finally submitted the last of the paperwork (medical reports) to our attorney, and the adoption packet should be filed this week. Thank you for the support, and I'll keep updating!!

Well our adoption packet has been filed.. now we're just waiting. What is the home study like? Does the caseworker just come over and talk to all of us?