Slow message board!

My stepson bugged me for years to adopt him, even when his biological mother was still around! He would ask me over and over, why cant you just adopt me and be my mom? And I would do my best to explain to him that his mom would have to agree to that, which he countered with, 'its a legal thing right? So can't we just sue her or something, for being a bad mom and then make you my mom?" When she did disappear and cut contact with us we waited for a year or so before talking to a lawyer, when we finally did go and see one we told him we had been to a lawyers office, and he was giddy for a moment clapped his hands and jumped in place, then composed himself, and said 'finally!" with the cutest pretend stern look on his face. It was too funny!

I am still in the process of explaining, sometimes on a daily basis to our 6yr old WHY his mom is not interested in being his mom (as if i KNOW!) She is the worst kind, too, where she used to show up just enough to string him along and then be "poor mommy can't afford to keep you because Daddy and H are making me pay CS" funny, when we dropped it so she would see him, she still "couldn't see him." now that she has been notified that a petition has been filed (she hasn't bothered with him in 2yrs) she is emailing, phoning, threatening to come to our house, etc. It is going to make us look pretty cruddy if we tell him his mom is not interested then she shows up here screaming that she loves her child. I have finally told him that she is sort of like a kid with a toy they think they really want at the store, then they get it home and it is not exactly as much fun as they thought it would be. I am at a loss. I just don't want my words to be thrown back at me.

Explaining such grown up troubles to young children can be quite a challenge. When you don't know the answer as to why she isn't around, it is okay to tell your son that your don't know why. You can let him know "I know that your mommy loves you, but I don't know why she has such a hard time showing it." Stepparents often get put in the position of defending the absentee parent, which stinks, but in the long run it is better for the kids, as they need to be able to love their birth parent, so that they can love themselves. If they hate their absent parent, then they are going to hate themselves as they are part of their birth parent. Be careful with the toy analogy, while the general idea of the analogy is a great one, in this scenerio he is the toy, and it was the toy that ended up being not as much fun as was thought, hence it was ignored. So if he is the toy, he is the one that is not good enough, causing her to ignore him, which can quickly lead to feelings of low self esteem and self blame, i.e. 'if only I had been a better kid, she would have loved me enough to be a mom to me.' This type of thinking is very common among adopted stepchildren, so it is important to be careful not to accidentally promote it. Has your son ever tried a sport, or a hobby (playing guitar, drums etc.) that was too hard for him, and he got frustrated and gave up? Even a board game that he is not yet old enough to play but gave it a shot and got horribly frustrated and wanted nothing to do with it? If there has been anything that he really wanted to try, but couldn't accomplish try relating that to his situation. "Remember when you really wanted to do Karate, because you loved everything about it, but when you got in the class no matter how hard you tried you just couldn't get it right, and it made you feel terrible, so terrible that even though you loved Karate you didn't want to go back to the class anymore? Well sometimes adults have those problems too. Sometimes no matter how much they love something they just can't learn how to do it, or take care of it the right way, and they get frustrated, and angry and sad, and don't want to do it anymore. Your mom loves you, but she has a hard time taking care of you the right way, and when she got overwhelmed she stopped taking care of you, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, she just doesn't know how to show it."

We have talked about this a LOT over the past years, so I have used....let me think, "some people are just not ready for taking care of kids," and (since he has a 2 and a half yr old sister) "what if i said, from now on, YOU take care of Kelsey, would you be able to do it??" He giggles, "well see, that doesn't mean you don't LOVE kelsey, you just don't know how hard it is to care for someone like that day and night until you HAVE to." He grasps it every time and I almost wish he would get mad, and just VENT, then move on. he seems so....okay with it all, he is just completely baffled as to why she never comes back. He is slightly naive even for a 6 yr. old. But I always have these talks WITH his dad there, and, although my husband is not as imaginative as I am, he always chimes in as well, and we usually end up in a group hug. He worries that she is not okay somewhere, and it breaks my heart to tell him that she is not somewhere hurt where she can't reach him, she is like 15 miles away, but just not interested until it comes to being dramatic.