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This is a little OT but is a little similar to some other posts. I am the step-mom of an 8yo girl and 5 yo old boy. They were 4 and 17 mo when I started dating their dad. My big girl was 6 mo old. My DH is 1/2 Mexican with lighter skin. My step-daughter is not his biobaby. Her biodad was a married, mexican man who wanted nothing to do with her. My husband dated his ex before she got pg and then got back together with her a few months later, signed her daughters birth certificate and married her when Elissa was a baby. The older she gets the darker her skin gets, to the point that it is sooo obvious that she isnt only a quarter Mexican, that I am surprised that she hasnt noticed. I told my big girl (who is also 1/2 Mexican) that she had a "different dad before" when she was 3. It wasnt a big deal, now she talks to him on the phone (he is in Mexico...long story) and is aware of her parentage. I am sure that she'll want to know more in the future, but it will never be a secret that could potentially be cruelly revealed to her. I have begged my husband to tell his daughter the truth before it becomes a "big deal," but I think that he is afraid that her mom will try to use it to make Elissa feel like she doesnt belong with us. As far as I am concerned DH is her dad, but she should know the truth. When Elissa wants answers about ANYTHING she comes to me. I dont feel like it is my responsibility to tell her the truth, but I dont want her to feel like we have been lying to her when she finally figures it out. I am totally comfortable with telling her myself, because she looks to find the truth from me, and I know that I could give it to her in a way that would satisfy her and assure her that we love her and that she IS a part of our family while sparing her the details. I understand why her mom would have trouble telling her, because it will be hard to explain that she was "dating" a couple of married men at the time, and neither one wanted anything to do with her when she became PG. So what do you all think? Is it appropriate for me to step up and be honest with my step-daughter while I feel like she will still take it easily? I will not lie to her so what happens when she asks, do I say go ask your mom or dad (who will both lie)?
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While honesty is always the best policy, especially when dealing with something as large as biological history, it should come from either her mother, or the man that she knows as daddy. Unless her mom and dad give you permission to talk with your sd about her parentage, then most likely in their eyes you will be overstepping your boundries. I would continue to urge her mom and dad to talk with her and tell her the truth, perhaps all the loving adults in her life could sit down together and gently explain things to her while assuring her that you are all her family.
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You have confirmed what I was thinking. I wish that her mom and dad would just tell her. I know that she would take it well, and it isnt like she's not going to figure it out! It will be so much harder if someone else points it out. Well thanks for reassuring me, sometimes I worry that by not telling her it will make her not trust me (or any of us for that matter) when she finds out. Being "just" her SM though, it didnt seem to be my place to do it.