Stale Bread

You're not alone. It's nice to know I'm not either. After 6 months on the site, I was convinced I was and had decided to just throw in the towel. Thanks for the lift.

Well I must say that I had to take some time to letmy head get back down from all the swelling! LOL! We all have good days and bad days, we all get overwhelmed and quite frankly tired of putting up with everything that we have to put up with when it comes to the complicated life of being an adoptive stepparent. We are supposed to take on children whom, as was said, we did not give birth to. We are supposed to fix the unfixable, at times love the seemmingly unlovable, welcome a parent into our lives who did little more than damage the child we are trying to raise, put up with emotional abuse from angry hurting children, jealous ex-parents, and do it all with a smile on our faces with an unending supply of unconditional love, drive and merriment. I believe there are times, even in my own situation where Mary Poppins would have said "screw this, I'm out, I Mary Poppins not a miracle worker, don't need it don't want it!" There is very little support for adoptive stepparents. No groups, no seminars like the countless kinds for all other types of adoptions, no nothing. We pay our astronomical lawyers fees, and then poof, we are on our own to figure it all out with little more than a pat on the back for 'doing the right thing.' The truth is, it is okay to get overwhelmed, to get upset, to have second thoughts or the occasional what did I get myself into brain rant that we all go through..but when asked how things are going we clam up, stammer out "great" with the largest fake smile that the world has ever known. After all we took this on, didn't we? We knew what we were getting into right, so how can we admit that it is hard, sometimes too hard, and we are scared, frustrated, and feeling very alone. I am no exception, I have had all the same thoughts feelings and inside emotional tantrums as everyone else here...But I am also extremely stubbron. Give me a challenge and I must find a way to solve it, or go mad trying. Ever the optimist I have an annoying habit of trying to find and/or see the good in everything. Now that is not to say that there are not times, or long streches of times where I am depressed, angry and overwhelmed. Today, report card day, being one of those not so happy, fed up, and tired of the same old b.s. times. Do I still have alot of fight in me, sure, do I wish to rise to the occassion today, not reall. Today I am going to take time for myself and not let my adopted stepson's lack of personal responsibility ruin my day or my emotions. There was a time when I would not have had a choice, where I would have instantly been sucked into worrying, being enraged, and driving myself mad trying to think of soloutions. But if I were to do that over every issue that he has, I would be in a nut house right now asking for more medication. Adoptive parents always seem to be afraid to share the bad times, we are praised as angels for taking on other people's children, for being so strong...we are thrust upon high pedistals without warning, and become wary of sharing our trials and frustrations, as though it will send us crashing to the ground! But the truth is that ALL parents have hard times dealing with their children. All parents go through rough spots for one reason or another. In stepparent adoptions however, we seem to have a lot more factors thrown into the mix, a lot more chances for trials, frustrations, oopsies, uh ohs, darn its, and give ups. You are right, we do need to talk more, not just about the good, but the bad as well. We need to be able to vent. Because once one person is brave enough, the rest will follow in tow, and what we will all be amazed about is the fact that we will all go "I know just how you feel!" Dealing with hurt children is HARD. Dealing with non-custodial parents is HARD...being a stepparent or an adoptive stepparent is HARD...sharing with one and other for support and ideas on how to work through all of it shouldn't be.

Thanks stepadoptionblog and zxczxcasdasd! It's nice to see replies to something on here! LOL! :banana:

Try adopting nieces and nephews. At least you all have one birth parent on your side. We have a total of 4 parents against us. 4 miserable people who didn't try to raise their kids. We have had guardianship and custody for 7 years of my niece (9) and nephew (16) now plus we got custody of my hubby's niece and nephew last year (7) yes twins. I do have it better than some of you I never have to let them go anywhere with the birth parents. I don't have to share. Like I told them we weren't married to any of you all. So some of the problems are better but than again some are lots worse.

Thanks stepadoptionblog for the words of encouragement. It has been frustrating to see that most info on stepparent adoption is procedural (how to...) or legal wrangling. Warnings about alientation (when one parent sabotages their child's relationship with the non-custodial parent with the goal of eliminating them from the child's life) which are important, but really almost nothing in the way of ongoing emotional support. I've gotten very used to feeling alone in this. Alone in my own family. Every one else is all biologically related to each other- except I'm not biologically related to my oldest son. DH (wonderful man that he is) can't understand. He's bio to both boys. I'm the only one who's not. Alone. His whole family shares genes with both boys. My family doesn't. We're not in the same boat. We are family and we are co-parents, but we're in two totally different boats. Motherhood can feel lonely enough without some wierd situation to make it even lonelier. Alone among my friends who have no clue. They're great friends and really love me, but don't have a clue about this whole thing. Alone among adoptive parents because this wasn't an infant adoption, domestic or international, nor was it through the foster system even though it was an older child. Not really open, not really closed. Didn't raise a stranger's baby. We all know who we are, but there is no contact. Long history of anger, pain, etc. Then add the age factor to make it more lonely. I am only 16 yrs older than my son. I became his mom when I was 25, but he was already 9. So of parents my own age, talking about teenagers or empty nest issues is totally useless. They're talking preschools while I'm talking colleges. No one really gets it until their teen is in that stage. And that stage is HARD. Support would really have been nice. Parents with kids in the same life phase are 10 to 20 yrs older than me- their parents are dying and being put in assisted living homes, while mine haven't even retired yet. My son's girlfriends' father is older than my own father. Weird. Makes it hard to function as peers and feel competent when school officials think my son is making a joke trying to pass off some friend as his mom when I come into the school for something. Nice. This is my whiny, weak side that gets frustrated and sad to feel so alone in this. I have a strong, confident, feirce mama, proud mama, Good Mama who-knows-it, Secure mama, serene peaceful mama, Mama just so happy and proud that her kid is so fantastic and ready to face the world- side that rules my consciousness most of the time. But sometimes those you're-a-stepparent-who-adopted-him issues come up and then it's hard to have the utter alone-ness compound whatever the actual issue is. So if someone, somewhere pops up and says "I'm here too!", it's nice. If there's something other than "what's my next legal step?" it's nice. If it's actually about the ongoing parenting- or what it's like to be the stepparent who adopted on an ongoing basis, that's nice. So again, thanks for the lift.:love:

This is a huge pet peeve of mine! I'm an adoptee 2x (through step parent adoption...long story) My oldest is also an adoptee through step parent adoption. It is the most common form of adoption in the US but somehow it's like we all don't have issues that may need to be addressed? Or maybe it's like well it's so common place now ...what is there to discuss? I don't know...it seems very odd to me. I know that I"ve had people tell me I'm not a "real" adoptee and all sorts of things. Interesting...I dealt with abandonment issues and all sorts of other things that definitely are adoption related!I really do see my and my sons adoption as very much like open adoption...but with some extra stuff thrown in. But then I think it just depends on the circumstances. I adopted my youngest child at birth in an open adoption and much of it has been rather similar. Honestly...I have to say that I have a great deal of concern that more people are not active and talking about things having to do with step parent adoption! Sometimes when I'm reading about adoptive parents concerns about their children to be on the other areas I wonder about how step parents who are adopting feel about things.

I hope to find ongoing communication on this board. I have had a hard time finding support for step parent adoption, and we need it as much as any other form of adoption. I too have got the feeling that this type of adoption is looked at different. It is not, we are still waiting with hope, just like other adoptive families. I do find that foster parent adoption seems to have simular issues, and is a helpful place too. Hope to get to know all of you. If you have any groups, please let me know.

I hope that other adoptive stepparents, or bio parents whose kids were adopted by their spouses, will post here and introduce themselves. It would be nice to know there is actually someone else out there working through it all. We might actually be ongoing support for each other. We might even get a thread going that isn't asking for legal advice, but is about living with stepparent adoption over the long haul and all the issues that come up with that. Imagine that!!!