Looking for feedback from adoptees

i had a closed adoption but my situation is sort of simalar my amom always told me i was adopted but she kept all the info she had from me until i found it by mistake when i was 18. i was so angry with her at first. i wanted nothing more than to meet my b-mom and she was trying to keep this from happening. i am still a little angry with her but i realize that she didnt know how important this was to me and how much she was hurting me by keeping the info hidden so i have forgiven her i think 10 is a little young to be making the choise if he wants contact w u guys. u dont want to lose complete contact in case the family moves and you cant reach him again i think what you are doing is good. there is not much more than you can do for now. i would tell the a-parents how you feel. tell them that your not trying to disrupt there lives but that u want to be part of his life. i would say when hes 16 or 17 maybe then ask him if he would like more or less contact.

1. If you had birth family who wanted to be in your life and your adoptive parents had done all they could to discourage the contact, what would you think or feel when you found this out? I would be very angry. In fact, my amom has claimed for years she has no idea who my bparents are or anything about them...but now that I have met them both, I remember things I was told by my amom that seem to have been said to keep me from knowing who they were or looking for them---or not liking them if I ever were to find them. I have alot of resentment now that I am pretty certain she has always known who they are and how she tried to "poison" my view of them. . 2. What do you believe you would want the birth family to do in terms of continuing to attempt contact within legal limits until you turned 18? There is not much you can do other than keep trying. BUT....you can also keep pictures, scarpbooks, etc so that when he is 18 and can decide, you can show him all you did and how he was always wanted.

AnnaKate, Thank you very much for sharing your situation with me. I have shared with them about wanting to be a part of his life. They are very aware that I am not wanting to disrupt their lives as I could easily have done so by now. He only lives one mile from me. My daughter and I are uncertain that they have told him he is adopted. I wrote a very sensitive and cautious note to them at Valentine's this year asking what he knows about his adoption and how they may explain his relationship to his new half sister (my daughter just had another baby.) I have received no response. Thanks again for your insight. Levigram

Socrmom, Thank you for affirming what I am doing. I have volumes of scrapbooks of each of his 10 years so far. Every letter, card, gift, and communication that my daughter and I have attempted have been photographed and recorded for him to reference in the future. I realized legally there is not a lot I can do until he is 18. But my question is, as an adoptee, what would you WANT your birthfamily to have done so that you would have been reassured of their love during your childhood. One lawyer I spoke with told me not to worry about any lawsuits the aparents may bring because that would also publicly reveal their issues as well. Any suit would be on record as our attempts to have been in his life when his was growing up. Again, thanks for taking the time to respond from some difficult memories. Levigram

.................... Since I'm 57 and just found out I was adopted, I'd want them to try to find me any way they can. .

Thank you for your reply. I believe my grandson feels the same way - anyway we can! I was able to go back to school and earn a 2nd master's degree along with my school counselor certification. I would have been my grandson's school counselor this year in the district he WAS in. His adoptive parents placed him in a private school. My grandson was aware he was to see me this school year. I wonder what he is thinking now?

i am an adoptee and 17 I just found out i could of met my bmum whenever i wanted and i dont have to be 18 my parents have mostly kept everything away from me until last night, it came as a huge shock and i was VERY angry i would try in everyway to keep in contact with your grandson. And if his adoptive parents have not told him, i really think they should!!

[FONT=Times New Roman]As an adoptee, I dont know how I would feel about my bfamily being in my life. To be honest, I know it wouldnҒt have been good for my aparents or me because of my bgrandfathers bulling nature. I do know if my aparents withheld info until from me, until I was older and more mature to handle it, I would have thought they were doing it in my best interest. [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]In regards to your bgrandchild knowing heҒs adopted, I don know why his parent wouldnҒt tell him, but I can tell you that as an aparents it isnt your place to decide if they should or shouldnҒt tell him as of yet. As hard as it sounds, and as wrong as it may be, they are his parents and for you to go against what they are doing ( not that you would) would be very disrespectful.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]As an adoptee, I don’t know how I would feel about my bfamily being in my life. To be honest, I know it wouldn’t have been good for my aparents or me because of my bgrandfather’s bulling nature. I do know if my aparents withheld info until from me, until I was older and more mature to handle it, I would have thought they were doing it in my best interest. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]In regards to your bgrandchild knowing he’s adopted, I don’ know why his parent wouldn’t tell him, but I can tell you that as an aparents it isn’t your place to decide if they should or shouldn’t tell him as of yet. As hard as it sounds, and as wrong as it may be, they are his parents and for you to go against what they are doing ( not that you would) would be very disrespectful. [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Keep doing what you are doing; sending gifts and letters. When he is of legal age he can seek you out and start a relationship with the bfamily.[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]I wish you the best![/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]-manni[/FONT]

I Was Adopted At . I Was 5 Days Old When My A Parents Brought Me Home. My Mom Told Me I Was Adopted When I Was 5yrs Old She Said She Did'nt Believe In Waiting As Soon As I Was Old Enough To Understand . I Think Waiting Is Wrong We As Adoptees Have A Right To Know. But Parents Were And Still R Very Loving As Is My Whole Family . I Never Searched For B Parents Never Wanted To And Still Don't. I Can Go On Living Without Knowing Who They Are. It Saves Alot Of Heartache And My Mom Is The Lady Who Raised Me Wiped My Tears When I Was Sad Took Care Of Me When I Was Sick She Is And Alwys Will Be My Mom.

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]1. If you had birth family who wanted to be in your life and your adoptive parents had done all they could to discourage the contact, what would you think or feel when you found this out? [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]In my case(closed adoption) my amom was very supportive of me finding my bfamily. She thought that by me meeting them it would help resolve some of the issues I was having.. That was until my b mom found me. She actually contacted my amom by phone, by that time I was living on my own. My amom told her that she didn't think it was a good time for my bmom to contact me, and refused to give her any of my info! I felt betrayed and angry.. We got in a huge fight and I refused to talk to my amom for a couple of months. She still doesn't think she did anything wrong....[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]I'm not understanding, is this an open adoption or closed? If it had been an open adoption, I would of been very mad at my parents for not allowing me to visit my bfamily growing up. It was tough being adopted, not knowing where I came from, why I was adopted, wondering what I might look like when I grow up... so many questions.. It would of been really nice to know those things growing up..[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]2. What do you believe you would want the birth family to do in terms of continuing to attempt contact within legal limits until you turned 18?[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]I think what your doing is great. Continue to write letters, keeping copies of them. He may not be recieving them now, but when you do get to see him, he can see how much you have wanted him in your life. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] You said [FONT=Comic Sans MS]"My grandson was aware he was to see me this school year. I wonder what he is thinking now?" Does he know that your his bgrandmother?[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]There's no telling why aparents keep info from their kids(so many have different reasons) They are his parents however, and even if they are wrong.. they are probably doing what they think is best for their son. I don't think you should ever stop sending the letters. (his aparents never asked you not to..) Maybe l[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]et him grow up a bit until he is old enough to fully understand and can decide what he wants.. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT]

I was an intercountry adoptee so I'm from a slightly different situation, it was pretty obvious from the beginning that I was adopted. I'm 22 at the present. However, in your grandson's case I would definately encourage you to send the letters and keep up the scrapbooking; I hope that one day he will see them and realise that his Birth family never stopped loving him and trying to keep in contact with him. If you stop now will only make him feel like he was "given up on twice". His Adoptive parents might be afraid that if he makes contact with his Birth family, he will abandon them in favour of you, or that he won't be able to bond with them more as he grows up. I think the difficult thing will be to find a balance between both families; they might feel that he is too young to handle such a complex situation. The only problem is that the longer they leave telling him, the harder it will be for him emotionally as he will reach an age where he realises his whole sense of self identity is based alot on lies. I know everyone is different but I know this is how I would feel.

This adoptee's opinion... You are very wise to have copied everything, keep it up and don't stop sending letters. On the flip side, I think open adoption would be incredibly difficult at times for the adoptive parents...so many fears that their child will prefer their birth family...especially as you live close by. I appreciate that you have tried to always ensure you treat them with the respect that is due to them. Kind regards,Dickons