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Our reunion had been going great for over a year, suddenly there was silence on her part with no expalanation.....and went on for months.We were then told she wanted space to process emotions....and it is going into the 7th month, but we were just told only a month ago just what this silence was, "Processing" as we had no clue why she had just stopped.We had no idea why she was not communicating anymore and she just finally explained that she is in a pull-back stage of the reunion and needs some space. she had started to read lots of reunion books and things seemed to get more complicating. but things were going so well before, so we do not understand what the pull-back is about and she feels she owes us no explanation, and says if we push for more contact it will only widen the gap. what gap!? where did this gap come from and why? I guess we are not allowed to know.why do these books encourage people to retreat with no consideration to the other side? and give no explanation. why is it they cannot not continue to acknowlege the other person while processing things ? why does the other party have to be cut off to do this? and be totally left in the dark as to whats going on.I feel it is rude, and a bit cruel, and if they don't understand this then they should. it is not a good way to build a bridge.as it is inflicting pain on the other and if that is not the goal... then they should know that that is exactly what is happening when a forced silence replaces communication.I thought open communication was the best way to keep a relationship going, but how can that happen if one party has totally stopped trying and has completely backed off and reciprocates no contact?I just don't understand how this helps anything. I feel if the door would be left open to allow healing then things could be resolved sooner and precious time is not lost and understandings can be met.How often will this happen? everytime they are conflicted? and is it just when they are unhappy about something in general or is it about you? and would it not be better if she let us know what she is experiencing so we could try to understand & help in some way and not just be shut out.so when someone gets confused,mad or hurt about something....in other areas of life it is always encouraged and best to communicate that....but with this....is it encouraged to go into a pull-back and just shut the other one out while you "process" instead of trying to work it out.!!??? It hardly seems fair. why is this different ? and why does it have to be handled differently ? It does not seem very respectful to the other persons that have been asked to be in this reunion with you, to just shut the door when something goes wrong somewhere and with no expanation.I wish someone would explained why this pull-back or shutting of the door is encouraged.How does it help an ongoing developing and previously nicely progressing Reunion?and if and when the pull-back is over, will there be an explanation of it, or will we need to walk on egg shells in fear of doing something wrong so it does not happen again and are we to just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing happened in order for the relationship to continue on their terms? I am not sure that a relationship such as this is a healthy one. so why is it being encouraged?
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shadow riderer
I'm not really looking forward to family get togethers such as weddings etc., for the same reasons you have described. I will also probably swallow my emotions and get through with a smile, then go home and cry. for the loss.
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Hi Kathy, thanks for the "visual", now I'm thinking that I have a much higher expectation of "closeness" so I've got some work to do!
rainmon - you're quite right, maybe it's a question of "good manners" for lack of a better term. I'm not sure my bson is in pullback or just busy with life as when I do get a note/response he's apologizing for the late reply as he's working hard to make a name for himself in his company. I have to keep reminding myself what I was like when I was his age - no time for my relatives, just friends!
:prop:
I was wondering how adoptee's feel when receiving update pictures of bfamily members? does it make you feel sad or left out? does it hurt to see family members doing things that your not apart of? I have been thinking of holding back upcoming holiday pictures unless she asks for them as I don't want to hurt her or make her feel left out. any input from anyone on how family pictures affect you? are they at times too overwhelming? at holidays? family gatherings? should we hold back unless she asks?especially since we don't know what the recent pullback was about I don't want to open any raw wounds so to speak.any input on this would be helpful.
Whew! This reunion thing is tuff. It's so hard to know what to do.
Rainmon, Rose responded to your questions about the pictures on another thread. I think I feel the same as she does. Sometimes getting pictures or hearing about how everyone is "just going on with life", for some reason, is very hard to see and hear. I can't explain it, other than it just hurts so bad because you want to be there with everyone, you want all that lost time, all that love...it just herts. I don't really think it's just adoptees. I think bio parents feel the same pain. I think, as Rose said, it just depends on how secure we adoptees are feeling at the time. Your husbands 'bd is very lucky to have someone like you, who so wants to make this all work for her and her bdad. I wish my Bdad's wife were like you. I guess all our situations are unique, but what if you just asked her if she would like you to send the pictures. Let her know you understand if it is a little overwhelming. I agree with you. I think people should just say what is on their mind (in a constructive way). I think you are right. Most people would understand and be considerate, even though it might hurt. At least we wouldn't be left hanging, wondering what to do or not do. It's the not knowing what the other person is thinking/feeling that makes it all so very hard to understand, but I guess it can't be that black and white?
I emailed my Bsis (on Bdad's side) a few weeks ago to whish her a happy birthday. Honestly, I didn't really expect her to respond, but I didn't even get a thank you. I didn't do it wanting a thank you, but is it me or isn't that just a little inconsiderate and rude? Even though I, for the most part, knew she would probably not reply with even a thank you, it still stings, and life goes on.
The past several days have been kind of hard for me, but I want you all to know I'm reading the boards and thinking of all of you. I've wanted to respond to a lot of your post. I just haven't been able to find any words. I just want you all to know I'm thinking of you.
P.S. I think my Bdad is reading my post. He knows about the boards, but I can't say if he has actually read them. I told him about them a long time ago, in hope, that he would find some help and support too. There have been several circumstances when he has said in a conversation something that I had written, not like he had read it, but like he knew or was thinking the same thing. Yesterday, he made the remark that he knew that I wanted him to "fix" things...hmmm...and at his last visit, he mentioned that he had been thinking that we needed to spend some time just the two of us, which was the topic of a thread I started just before his last visit...makes me wonder..there have been a few other similar incidents as well. Are we really of the same mind set, or is he reading the boards? Interesting isn't it?
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Shadow i think my bdad's wife reads the boards (she is a great person). I wanted to comment on the picture issue. I would want pictures. I live far from everyone so that is really the only way I can keep posted on how kids are growing up etc. Maybe if I lived closer it would be harder because then I would feel left out. Back to lurking...lol
kathy thank-you for your idea, I will look into those photo programs.mlassi, yes I have always thought sending pictures made her feel included somehow, but on another thread a bmom felt very hurt and left out by a picture that was sent to her, so it got me thinking if any of the pictures we had sent in the past affected her in that way. I will definitely be more careful with the pictures that we send in the future. and may just wait to see if she asks for some. i just don't know.Shadow riderer, yes I know how you feel about sending the card, and getting no response to it, that has happened to us many times this last year too and I do know how it hurts, it just puts a constant ache in your heart that is hard to ignore.but it makes me angry at times as well, as it seems very inconsiderate and rude to me also,to not even acknowledge someone. but everyone seems to think we should send cards and little hello's anyway....but there comes a point that you just can't handle anymore rejection. as that is what it feels like. has she responded in the past? or is she maybe not a person that writes back.with my husbands bdaughter she always used to respond....so thats why it was so hard later to have the total silence on her part. it was just not like her it seemed. so we knew something was going wrong quite awhile ago.we will leave to see her soon, I hope things go well, and I plan to give them time alone as I have read how important it is to you....and others. I think I will plan to go on long walks for exercise... and/or find excuses to take the rental car somewhere...(altho I don't know that area at all....yikes! )but maybe I can find my way to a little antique store or a book store as I can take forever in those shops ! LOL !!my husband does not know my plan yet.... heh heh heh ! but i think it will do them some good.thank-you for your thoughts on all this, you remind me so much of her as I've read your posts and they have helped me so much in trying to understand the other side of this and to try to help this reunion progress. I hope I can help someone someday as well. oh... and I like what you said about maybe being in an emotional pullback, without the lack of contact for a bit, kinda like putting strong emotional feelings on the back burner for awhile, and choosing your battles right now. seems like a good solution for awhile.
Rainmon, with my Bsis, it is kind of hard to say. We haven't really had a lot of communication over the past year an a half. In what few emails we have exchanged, she has said she feels a connection, wants to get to know me, always wanted a sister, and wants to talk to me on the phone. However, she has never asked for pictures, never really asked any questions about me, never really talked with our dad about me, never called, or asked me to call her. I'm kind of under the impression that a relationship with me isn't one of her priorities at the moment. I'm cool with that, but you are right about the fact that a person can just take sooo much rejection before you say enough. The question is: where is the line of enough
Have fun on your trip and good luck with everything. I really admire you for all you are doing to help your husband and BD. Your perspective on all of this has helped me as well. Some of my Bcousins, on Bdad's side, do that photo thing Cathy mentioned, and send it to me. I love it. I can look when I want and save it for another time if I'm feeling out of sorts. Again, good luck on the trip.
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Hi there everyone!I know I haven't posted inawhile, but I wanted to let you all know..I'm still reading lol..when I have time!I just want to wish everyone good times over the christmas holidays. I know these are not always easy times. I know for myself, I feel sadness that I don't have a closer relationship with bparents, but then reality steps in and tells me....don't reach out...you may get hurt again. So...life goes on. I do nothing, as I have for the past few years. It may not be the greatest answer, but it's the only thing I feel I can do. I'm also going to get the Primal wound and read it..maybe it will bring some healing, despite my reunions. Should I send my bparents a copy? loltlee
HI allSo, I have a question? I just spoke with bdad...he wants to come down for a visit before christmas..... I am so torn! I have seen him twice this year..once he stopped in for my son's bday..and once at my sister's wedding. I just feel...what's the point??? He apologized for not much time together this year...new job etc etc..but it's always this way...now I"m in a quandry. Any suggestions? Part of me would love to see him..but the other part of me thinks..this is just his token visit. I keep revisiting my daughter's questions in the summer...mommy why don't we see papa?? can we go to his house?? ... I just wish I could talk to him about how I feel, but the last time I did that it blew up in my face...I will not be hurt again or made to feel vulnerable.Help?
tlee
He wants to come!!!! Doesn't that mean anything to you? To me it means you and the kids are important to him - he wants to catch up during this "family" Christmas Time. He has even apologised for not having enough time with you. Honestly girl.......you are being offered that which many other's would give their eye teeth for and you are considering it a "token visit"??? It will be important for your kids too (as they ask why they don't see Pappa....this Christmas they will).
Maybe I've missed some back post....or am not reading your post correctly, but I know, if our roles were reversed and I was the one expecting a visit, I would be in 7th heaven. Once or twice a year is OK - if that is all that can be fitted in to work, life etc etc. Enjoy what you have and give the bitterness from past errors behind you. Make a good future for you and your kids and your bdad.
My thoughts only tlee - Sometimes we don't appreciate what we are being offered.
Ann
Yes tlee, I agree with Kune, there are a lot of families that see each other much less then that because they live so far from each other.......also have you made the effort to fill in the gaps and go see him some too. like Kune says most would be floating on cloud nine to hear that news. your seeing your glass half empty.... when it is really half full.
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Oh, Tlee, as much as I understand exactly how you feel, I have to agree with the others. He is "coming" to you. He doesn't have to do that at all. Even if his reasoning is to ease his guilt or, as you called it, a token visit, it is still an effort, and one he doesn't have to put out.
You mentioned earlier in this thread that you felt like you would never be the daughter to him that your Bsis is. I know that feeling, and I know that pain. As hard as it may be to hear this, it is true for both of us. Our BDads will not see us in the same way they see the daughters they raised. How could they? They didn't see our first steps. they didn't teach us to drive acar. They didn't meet our first boyfriend at the door and see us off on our first date. They weren't there to walk us down the isle on our wedding day. I can't speak for your Bdad, but I know that my Bdad has a lot of guilt, pain, and emotions pertaining to all that, though, it's something he really isn't comfortable talking about. The truth is that he would prefer not to discuss it at all. I think on the inside, though he trys to hide it, it really eats at him, and it's hard for him. No, we may not be the daughters to them our Bsisters are, but that doesn't mean they don't care about us just as much. It doesn't mean we can't have just as meaningful a relationship. Our Bsister had all their lives to build that relationship with them. We've only had a few years.
I know your Bdad has done and said things that have hurt you. My Bdad has said a lot of those stupid things too. In the beginning of our reunion, he would say to people, "Hey, this is the best way to have a kid. Get them after they are already grown, and you have missed all the problems." Hearing that was like a knife in my heart, but I never said anything to him. I know he wasn't saying that to hurt me, or intentionally be insensitive. I think he said that and a few other stupid things because of his own guilt and pain. It was kind of his way of coping with that guilt and pain. Make a joke to hide his true feelings. I think it's a guy thing. He really stinks when it comes to discussing "feelings". lol Just doesn't like it at all, especially if it's about something he feels responsible for. He shuts down emotionally when pushed to "talk".
You and I have done a lot of reading and such to try to understand the pain and guilt of our Bmoms. What about the pain and guilt of our Bdads? I know they don't show it like our Bmoms, but maybe they feel it just the same? If our Bmoms can't deal with our pain, what makes us think our Bdads can? Maybe it's time to step back and re-evaluate some things? You already know your Bdad isn't an "emotional" guy. That's who he is. What if, you let him come visit, and let go of the emotions for this visit? Just leave it be for the moment and enjoy a visit with your Dad. Not as adoptee and biological Dad, but just as people, who want to spend some time together? Ssort of just a back up to start again? Maybe just a little cautious for now, until things feel a little safer?
Only you can decide what is best for you, but just think about it. Good luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts.