Adopting out of birth order?

I can't answer all your questions, but my homestudy agency will not allow me to change the birth order now, so if I adopt again, I might have to change homestudy agencies. Check on that with whomever you decide to go with. Best wishes and Godd luck whatever you decide to do. Love to you,Deb

Although we did not adopt our children out of birth order, my opinion of it has changed as my kids get older. If we do adopt again, I will respect the birth order. If your kids are 3 and under, it probably won't make a big difference if the younger one comes home first, IMO.My kids are only 13 mos. apart. I have noticed how birth order really affects the family dynamics. W/ our DS being the older one, we have consiously and subconsiously have given him the role of being the "big brother" and he lives up to it! I couldn't imagine taking away his "status" in the family. My DD is the younger one but I couldn't imagine adding an older girl and her not being the "big sister" when adding a family member. I know when siblings are several years apart, they are really raised "seperately" and birth order may not be an important issue. Of course, many families have been successful adopting out of birth order and I look forward to reading other's successful (or not-so-successful) experiences.

We have often thought about this too. Our ds is 2 1/2 and his new little sister came home just a few months ago. (And is now almost 10 months old) We have already started to think about more children. I don't think we will have any more bios because our heart is now really into adopting again. So we aren't sure if we should adopt another infant. Honestly we would really like to adopt an older child - at least toddler age. We have been thinking about waiting until the kids get older so that the "birth" order stays the same. But I also know that kids are resilient and that they have to learn to love their siblings reguardless of how or when they come into each others life. As the parent you have to do what YOU think is best for your children and help them to adjust to whatever situation. Good luck in your decision!!

I have heard both GREAT stories & also HORROR stories! We, however, are in the process of adopting out of birth order. Our DD is not home yet, so I can't speak from experience. Our DD is 10 months older than our DS (both from Guatemala). However, our DS was home at 7 months & our DD will be home at 7 years.

I'm not a Guat. adopting, but have adopted out of birth order. It seems like your son is young enough that it won't really make much of a difference. Generally, with older children, it is not advisable to adopt children older than them... it doesn't really seem to affect "middle kids" unless they are so close in age that they develop more competition in sibling rivalry... which happened for me! But it's manageable! But again, with a son as young as yours, it probably won't make a difference yet. ;~) Kelly

Our SW told us it depended on the ages of the children in the home and to be adopted. We have 4 bios ages 12, 10, 6 and 2. The 6 yo is the only girl. The SW said we could adopt a child up to 6 years but not older than the 6 yo girl. The 2 yo would adjust fine to a boy or girl older than him b/c the "pack was already set" since we have a large family. So we are adopting TWO little girls ages 5 years and 7 months. They will fit in perfectly with our family. Now~~ if we were to adopt again.... I'm almost positive the SW would say it would need to be an infant b/c the others are so close in age. Hmmmmm.... twin babies would be fun.

One of the major concerns about adopting out of birth order is "what will the older child do to the younger child?" When the older child is "yours" - when they have lived with you for years - then you know how that child will behave and act. You know whether they have a temper, whether they throw things, whether they curse and threaten, whether they rage, whether they experienced abuse that they try to re-enact with others, etc. And if that older child of yours were truly a danger, you could be responsible and not adopt a younger child until the older one was under control. But when parents choose to adopt an older child, they have none of those safeguards. An older child about whom you know next to nothing can indeed have any or all of those personality and behavior problems. After all, somebody else raised that child, and there is no telling what they exposed the child to, or what they taught the child. Even a child who had good caregivers can have problems if they had multiple good caregivers and the attachment cycle was broken for the child, resulting in those personality and behavior problems. An older "new" child can also take you by surprise. It is not typical to find out about problems like the ones I mentioned during the adoption process. They often do not show themselves until the child is settled into a permanent home and the honeymoon phase is over. That can take weeks or months, so that when you believe you know the child, the child's personality then begins to show, and it is sometimes not what you expected. Of course you will think to protect all your children regardless of their ages against obvious dangers - stove tops, sharp knives, etc. But will it occur to you to protect your younger child against the older? Or would it seem natural to leave a toddler watching cartoons with an infant sibling asleep nearby while you step out to use the bathroom? If the "new" older child had a tendency toward any of those personality or behavior issues, you may end up regretting such a normal parenting decision. It only takes a second to hit another child. It only takes a second to sexually fondle another child. Do all older children have these behaviors? Of course not. But the problem is that nobody, not even the professionals, know how to tell the children with these problems from the ones who don't. Of course they can screen out the ones who behave like that all the time, but they often miss the ones who behave like that only behind adults backs, and they may never see the ones who behave like that only after being moved to a permanent placement and getting through the honeymoon period. Adopting a child older or bigger than the one(s) already in your home is not for the faint of heart. Nor is it for those people who think everything will be fine and who don't do their own research. It takes a lot of research on your own, a lot of safety precautions, and a lot of parenting in ways that aren't "normal" because you have to be much more cautious than other parents need to be. It isn't an automatic "no", but it does throw a lot of caution flags that should be looked at carefully, and depending on your tolerance level for different things, it may throw red ones that should stop the process entirely.

when ethan was 2, we fostered a little girl for a few months that was 4 1/2. it was not good. ethan was used to being the oldest by day, since the older 2, then 11 and 12, were gone at school. all of a sudden he was being bossed around and told how to play and he hated it. now, you could make the arguement that with time, it would have been okay...but i saw enough to know that i will always go younger. ethan made a much better transition with a little brother than he did a big sister.