Anti-spankers..What form of discipline works best for you?

Time outs and removing privileges. Our twins are almost 6 years old. We've just recently started having them do sit-ups instead of a time-out. Keeps 'em busy, doesn't hurt 'em and keeps 'em from whining because they're putting too much effort into the exercise.

Love & Logic works really well. also the 1,2,3 Magic system. You use consequences rather than punishment.

I would suggest reading a book called The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton. It helped me to be a better parent... (Praise, rewards for good behavior, time outs, etc.) I have a adaughter and a bio daughter.

We're a spank free home as we feel it teaches kids that you can solve problems by hitting. I know there are arguements on both sides, this is just OUR personal choice for OUR family. Case in point, last weekend, a woman at our marina, known for her out of constant screaming, and somewhat wild kids, was yelling at her boys, 5 & 6 for the better of a hour to "get along". Then a screeching "No, Nathan, you don't punch your brother EVER! If you punch him one more time I'm gonna whack you behind, do you understand?" To which the kid replied,, "NO" Mother asks "What do you mean, no? Kid says "I don't understand why you're gonna hit me if its not okay to hit. THAT'S NOT FAIR" Was the kid being a smarty pants, or legitimately trying to figure out what justifies her hitting him, to teach him its not okay to hit? Doesn't matter in our minds, because long term, he is getting the message that it is okay to hit... Anyway, we do time-out (age x minutes) Our 4 y.o gets 4 minutes for example). When the time out is over we talk about why he was in time out, what he coulda/shoulda done, and when appropriate, apologies. When he was younger we would initiate the discussion, now we have him begin. For example, just ten minutes ago, ds was sent to his timeout chair for repeatedly telling me "NO" when asked to brush his teeth for bed. After the 4 minutes (I use a kitchen timer so that when it goes off, he knows it's time to come out) he came over to me and said: "I was in timeout because I was talking fresh to mommy" Me: That's right, is talking back to Mommy acceptable in our house Skip: No Ma'am (Yes, I taught all my kids Yes/No Ma'am Sir when he is engaged in conversation, as a form of courtesty) Me: So then I guess that wasn't good behavior Skip: No Ma'am Me: So what do you think you're gonna do next time I ask you to brush your teeth? Skip: I'm gonna brush them and not talk fresh and Mommy will be happy Me: That's right, because Mommy is sad when you're fresh. Skip: You need a big hug? Me: I sure do: Skip: (as he's giving me a really big hug) I'm sorry mommy Me: Thank you for being a big boy and apologizing, and thanks for the super-duper hug...Now can you please go brush? Skip: Okay mommy! Other discipline methods include taking t.v. & bicycle away, as well as his r/c airplance priviliges. Having raisd kids already I have learned that once you tell a child there will be consequences for an action, you MUST follow through! If you tell 'em you'll take the bike away for week you HAVE to take it away for a week. Kids pick up quick on wishy-washy parenting.

I have 3 adopted children - ages 10, 11 and 13. Each child requires a different kind of consequence to be effective. Your really have to understand each child's hot buttons, and be creative when coming up with consequences.For example, my 10yr boy gets early bed times and time outs away from the rest of the family. He likes to be around people, so if he isn't behaving he doesn't get to stick around. Time out is done in a room by himself. That is very effective for him, as is an early bed time.The middle child is a girl, and she is very lazy. For her, we require exercise for punishment. She was putting up a fuss one day over doing her homework, so my husband sent her outside to run a lap around the block - with no walking allowed. She came back gasping for breath, unhappy about that kind of consequence, and hasn't had an issue since when it comes to doing her homework. The oldest one doesn't require much re-direction, but removal of phone and friend priviledges works best on her.We never give chores as punishment. Chores are a cooperative effort in our house, and everyone chips in to get them done. We don't want to tie negative situations to chores, or we will never get the help when we ask for it.Another option that works is having to pay money to parents. Our kids get a small allowance, and earn money by watering plants and picking up mail while neighbors are on vacation. for a consequence, we might fine them $0.50 or $1.00, which is immediately payable from the cash stash. I have also heard people use a cuss bucket - kids have to give a dime or quarter every time they use a cuss word. (proceeds go to mom, of course!)We also pay for grades on each report card -couple bucks for an A, dollar for a B, nothing for a C, kids pay us $5 for a D and we tell them "you don't want to know what you will owe us if you bring home an F!" This seems to work well.One last thought - a friend once told me that her 5 kids never tell her they are bored. The standard response to that statement in her house is to provide a toothbrush, bucket of soapy water, and direction to clean the the kitched floor. I haven't tried that one, but it seems to do the trick for her!

I love the possibilities this thread opens. My father, though not my mother who disagreed, raised nine children and nearly always without spanking. There might have been some 5 times I recall out of the entire nine of us over the years -may he r.i.p. He used to say to me, that my brain was not located in my butt, and that his effort was to reach what was between my ears. I love(d) both my parents, but had a deep respect for the fact that my father (mostly) kept his hands to himself. To be made to fear (being hit) is not the same as being encouraged to respect. Respect must be earned. And if I respect someone, big or small, why would I want to cause them physical pain? Why would I want to use my size against them, knowing that the day will come when my body will be the one to grow weaker, as their's matures to match or surpass (I raised sons) mine in physical strength? I always believed there had to be a better way of parenting, given that my own father had been a fine example of that probability. Personally, my godsend had been a book titled 'Parent Effectiveness Training' (P.E.T.). The author well explained that behaviors often carry NATURAL consequences. Also, that children grow to become immune to POWER when it is misused against them.My pet peve is the parent that sits on their lazy *** yelling, repeatedly, and with more force and pitch each consecutive time, for a child to stop doing something, or to do something they require of them. Especially when the child is very young. Children get atuned to LAZY in a parent very quickly. When they understand that parent is not going to bother to get up and insist, they WILL continue their actions, or WILL fail to do as the parent asks. And whose fault is that? HINT: NOt the child's fault. If you mean it, prove it. Get up and do something about it. Don't roller skate inside on my new flooring means - take the skates off dear, I'll keep them for you for a while, until you can remember not to tear up our new floor with them.Often it is a matter of explaining WHY you don't or do want a child to do something: Please don't bring drinks and food to eat in the living room. The furniture and carpet won't fit in the washing machine if something is accidentally spilled, so I would rather you didn't take the risk.Sometimes children act up out of boredom. And if they have plenty of healthy activities to be involved with, those very things give a more natural leverage for insisting on compliance: If you don't have time to do your homework, I suppose you also don't have time to play soccer this coming tuesday. I'd hate for you to have to miss that because of an incomplete science assignment. It is important to know what to expect from a child at any given age. A two-year-old is NOT likely to pick up ALL of their toys after playing. Assist them. Also, don't allow access to ALL toys at once. Play time can be a wonderful time to bond and teach and learn. Teachers NEVER leave their students unattended on the playground, and there are reasons why.Parenting is not about disciplining. It is about guiding, nurturing, providing structure by example, and bringing more self-reliant adults into a, hopefully, productive society.

We don't spank. All of our children are adopted from foster care, all came to us as infants (4 months old, 3 months old, 9 months old), none were physically abused (all neglect/mental health cases). We use time outs when they are between 18ish months and 4ish years. We also remove privileges like tv, favorite toys, etc. For example, my boys share a room. If they are chattering away after bedtime, and playing in their beds, I remove the stuffed animals that they were playing with. They lose them for the entire night, no opportunity to earn it back. They get it back the next night. After 4-5 years old, they have to earn screen time with behavior charts. We use a lot of natural consequences, and our kids do extra chores when a natural consequence is not appropriate. If someone is just tired, cranky, etc, I am still a firm believer in just sending them to lie down in their beds. We also will occasionally use push-ups -- mostly for my 4 year old son when he is being wild/careless with his siblings and needs to burn off excess energy.

Timeouts, groundings, removal of privileges, and token economy systems are extremely effective nonphysical disciplines that work extremely well on all children of all ages regardless of their placement status. One of the main reasons why these nonphysical forms of discipline works so well is because they truly match societal expectations of discipline and behavior. For instance, when a child misbehaves in school, they're not spanked unless of course the school district condoms this behavior. When someone is convicted of a crime, the punishment is never a spanking but rather a form of a grounding or a timeout. Therefore, these nonphysical forms of discipline are very much consistent with societal expectations.Also, it has been my experience that children would rather have a physical discipline than a nonphysical discipline primarily because the nonphysical discipline lasts longer. Therefore, nonphysical discipline is looked at more as a deterrent for misbehavior.With a child who was physically abused, you definitely do not want to use a physical discipline as this will truly be emotionally counterproductive to the child.

Mark, I really like and agree with your post. Though I am married to the father of my sons, his work left me to 'single' parent a lot. I was in a continual process of learning parenting skill, and in their pre to teen years my sons started to act out. I sought counseling (first for me). I learned that one problem was that they were very bored. I also learned to let them learn in a natural way that society expected certain behaviors, and would not permit wrong / dangerous behaviors. That is, I put them through the juvenile court system. Now an adult, one of my sons admits that, had I not dealt with him as I did, he was pushing me, and would have probably ended up in far worse trouble, maybe even prison eventually. He thanks me now.