Very Conflicted (Step Parent Adoption)

I just want to say that obviously as an adult he can make that decision, but you can too. There is no longer a reason for you to keep a name that represents pain and suffering to you. Perhaps making him aware of that will give him some more to think about. I think you need to think of your best interests now and I think even the name would be a psychological hurdle everyday. Good luck to you and your family.

I agree with the previous poster. Your son can choose for himself to keep the name which he clearly feels is not only about his father- it's about him and he is good. And you can choose to drop your hyphen and leave that chapter in your past. Clearly he feels his name is good because it's his name, as much as it may be bad for you because it was your ex's name. It's normal for adult families to have many different last names. My sister and I each have different last names and different from our parents, but we are family. So take the name that brings you joy and don't be sad that he wasnts to keep a name that he is proud of because of what he brought to it and how he redeemed the name for himself and his children. You will be no less a family. Tell him you're proud of him that he has made the name a name to be proud of because of his life. Blessings to you all. Congratulations on the impending adoptions!!

Thank you for the feedback . I want you both to know that we are VERY proud of all of our children and I truly do understand his feelings of identity. After all, even though he is only 22 (he is not married and has no children) that THAT is the name that he has carried for the past 22 years and he has worked through several issues of anger/disappointment/conflict over his past relating to issues arising from his bio dad. I guess I am just blindsided by this. All these years, the kids wishes and dreams. Their hopes of the adoption to be trashed by their bio dad's refusal to allow it. Then when we no longer need his permission and we can finally achieve the dream.... whammo... excitement for the prospect and then out of nowhere the request to keep the name. This is on the heels of an amazing conversation that both my husband and myself had with him a few weeks back when he stated that he still had the struggle of looking into the mirror and seeing his bio dad (he is almost the spitting image of him) and knowing that he still carried his name??? So you can see where I am just flabbergasted by the prospect. I know you can be a family with a mixture of names. I know that we are family nevertheless. I just don't understand the concept of not even wanting any part of his adoptive dad's name. If you put yourself in my husband's shoes ... you can also see HIS side of the emotions. He raised him. He was there through thick and thin, the countless times we almost lost him due to his health issues but neither of us ever wavered. Then this. My feelings? Honestly I am hurt. Even though I try to understand him I cannot wrap my head around the need to keep something that is a reminder of such misery. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. My ex should of been incarcerated for some of the things he did. Abuse, neglect, etc. When it all comes down to. To borrow from good old Wm. What is in a name? Really... To those who stood by you and loved you unconditionally.. Alot... Mombat

Your son, as well as the rest of the family has been through quite a lot, and everyone greives and deals with emotional pain in their own way. For some of your children, getting rid of the name may be a way for them to heal from the past, but if your son has already healed the bulk of his emotional wounds, than I can understand him wanting to keep his last name. It could very well define him, the name could be what he draws on to prove to himself that he is not, and will not ever be, like his father, a kind of "I may have your name, but I will not tarnish it as you had, I will restore the meaning and respect to it." Keeping the name may simply be what he needs to continue on the right path, and to know who he wants to be and how he wants to be. He still wishes to be adopted, he is not rejecting your husband, only the idea of changing his name. I am sure that it is hard emotionally for you, but if it is where he draws his inner strength from, then really, whats in a name? Also, if all of your boys were to change their names, then the family name would essentially die out, and that may be something that your son is worried about. Carrying on the family name can be very important to some men, and he may feel that if the other boys are changing their names, your current husband's name will live on, yet the biological name, the family tree would die out if he too were to change his. Your husband will still be the man on the new birth certificate, he will still be the man that raised and cared for your son (and the rest of your children) and he will still have the love and respect of your son. If it is only the name that he does not wish to change, then I would let it go. You can still change your name, and heal your past and move on. In time he may come around and wish to legally change his name, just because he does not do it at the time of adoption, does not mean he cannot do it later on. It sounds like he has very good reasons for not wanting to change his name, and none of them have anything to do with your husband, or his biological father, only with himself. While it may be hard to understand I am sure it was very hard for him to let you know his wish to not change his name and to try to explain why. So while it may be hard to understand it is easy to respect his decision and his honesty, and that is what you should focus on. Despite everything you have been through you have managed to raise him (and I am sure the others) as a strong, well adjusted, emotionally healthy young man who can communicate his wants and needs effectively. [url=http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com]Stepparent Adoption Blog[/url]

I am in a similar situation as you, though not as far down the road. My husband and I have discussed many times him adopting my children (20, 17 and 15). They have not seen their father in nearly 4 years, he pays no support, and my kids are in therapy trying to deal with it all. My 20 year old daughter legally hyphenated her name about a year ago to her father's name and my husband's though she rarely uses it as she says no one "knows" her by that name. My ex was adopted by his stepdad and my kids have honestly considered taking their biological family name back rather than take my husband's. My husband says it is up to them. I know it hurts but it really is ok for them to keep their "identity".

I want to give you a bit of perspective. It seems like you believe that changing a name will "cure" the pain that the children suffered in the past. It WILL NOT. They will always carry that pain with them no matter what thier name is. I tell you this as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic - whose mother is going through a divorce with my alcoholic father - and who is in the process of going back to her maiden name. My mother wants me the have the same name as her - mostly because she hates my father - and wants to spite him. But the other reason is that she is VERY Co-dependant. Co-dependance is a disease effects the Spouses of almost EVERY alcoholic, drug addict, or dysfunctional personality. My mother is co-dependant. She needs me to have the same name as her BECAUSE she is co-dependant and doesn't understand respectful boundries. Nake sure that your aren't wanting your son to change his name because of YOUR OWN issues with your past. That WOULD NOT be healthy. YOUR issues are not HIS issues - and he needs to heal himself in his own way. Your son is doing this for himself not to hurt you. Infact I would assume that YOU and your family have very little to do with his decision. Your son is an individual. What is best for HIM might not be what is best for YOU or the rest of the family and that's perfectly OK. It isin't his job to look after everyone elses needs - its his job to look after his own needs - and it sounds like your son is on a very healthy path to the nessicary family seperation that all young people must go through to become healthy, functional, indipendant adults. Good for him!!! I have considered changing my name. I have delt with the grief, the anger, the hatred, all the emotions that come with being born to an abusive person (father) into a family that is sick and toxic. I realized that changing my last name would be a LIE. I am NOT(changed last name). I am the perosn who I was born - have been raised as - and have identified with for the last 20 something years. What good would changing my name do me? In the end I realized that changing my name would be MORE about me wanting to spite my father (a very unhealthy and toxic behavior and pattern of thinking) then about doing what is BEST for ME and my journey twards personal growth and healing. Sometime accepting WHO you are and the REALITY of your life situation (rather then being in denial) is the first step twards healing and becoming whole. Maybe this is what your son is trying to do.