Bmom found me

Gemini - I too can relate to your pain towards your birthmom. I don't speak to mine anymore either. I don't I ever want to see her again. When I think about it, i think it would just be too painful for me. I will never forgive her for wishing my aparents dead. I think at some level she wished I didn't have such a great relationship with them so that she could waltz back into my life and be my "mother". Not once did she say she was thankful to them for raising me and loving me. She even said "well every child feels loyal to their parents even when they are abusive". She is just too screwed up for me to handle. It was VERY hard for me when I realized how screwed up she to not take it personally. I was born from this crazy lady. Now I realize I am Michelle a unique individual and even though she did give birth to me I am NOT her. I find her to be selfish and insensitive to my feelings and aparents feelings. I am sorry that you a struggling with anger "issues" also towards your birthmom. Hopefully, one day we can put our anger behind us and move on.

I had never heard of moms finding the adoptee,until I came online and met some Moms from Austrailia. I adore my friends who are nat.moms and have learned so much from them.However, I NEEDED to be the one to search-period. That is the only point I seem to differ on from them,but only because it was my "need" not just an opinion. Some Mother's say it is symbolic to reclaim the child you lost.That was why they recommended it.

Lonni - Sorry, I'm confused by your post. Are you an adoptee or a natural mother? sorry for my confusion.

Sorry- he he, I am an adoptee.

If I may ask, how would you have felt if you were the one who was found my your bmom? Why was it such a strong need for you to be the one who searched? Was it the same reasons as me? that I wanted to have control over something when previously I had no control and I wanted to be the one to decide when and where if at all there would be a reunion. I personally don't think it is appropriate for a bmom to initiate a reunion. I understand if you may not want to answer any of my questions.

Well, I was not aware that it had to do with controling things, but learning more about abandonement issues has taught me that it is. In my heart, I was feeling like "you LEFT me" and closed the door on me and I will be the one to open that door back up,not you. Of course that sounds childish, but I read that we do react out of infantile emotions as adoptees.I would have been resentful if she found me. Seems so odd,because I don't "think" that, but my adoptee heart certainly "feels" it..

Michelle - We seem to have much in common with this issue. SHE never called and thanked my mother for doing what she did. My mother asked about HER(when we were communicating) all the time. SHE never once called or made an effort to show my mother appreciation. My situation is a little different. SHE left me at my mother's house when I was two months old and my mother took me in and raised me. This is why I feel SHE owes my mother something. My mother wasn't prepared to raise an infant but she did. lonni - I think I would have been resentful if SHE would have searched for me, but in my case SHE didn't have to search, SHE knew exactly where I was. Does that make sense?? Why didn't SHE check up on me?? If SHE was nervous about it, once I initiated my search at 9 yrs old, that should have told HER that it was okay for her to come around. But instead, SHE disappeared AGAIN. SHE didn't want to be bothered with me and I didn't get that as a kid, so I kept searching. I do agree, in a sense, that it's not the birthmother's right to contact but in my case I would have known SHE thought of me or was concerned. If I just confused any of you, don't worry b/c I just confused myself. This is an issue, even though I am in the situation, I don't have an understanding of it myself.

I have read the responses to the post and the threads I have certainly found helpful. I am a bmother 14 months into reunion and I as a bmom have never felt that I should search for my son, as I felt such a bad person for giving him up in the first place. In the 70's the pressure was on - you were told all kinda stuff and there was not the facilities to raise children like there is today. Stigma, shame, worthlessness, I can see why some suffer bipolar. I pretty much have for most of my life. Relinquishing my child was the worst thing possible. I find my son emotionally devastated by adoption issues and he certainly has (restrained) anger issues. I've spent 29 years beating myself up for being put in the position of giving him to parents in a closed adoption and I could never give him what they have provided - security etc etc. I understand his anger (Primal Wound - very helpful, although an agonising read for any bmother) but he just didn't want to be raised by anyone except me. How can a bmother, who has thanked the aparents for all that they have done, has apologised to my son for the pain that adoption has caused him, how can I help my son through his anger? I can't. He has problems with drinking too much and his moods he takes out on me on the phone, so I have had to withdraw the option of being able to phone me. I have pain, angst, very deep pain. I really relate to your saying about wanting to be in control. In my case, my son has a fantasy about me and what my role is in his life and I can't live the fantasy - he needs to control me and I can't be controlled. Up to now, I feel damaged from the past year of contact with him. He phoned me recently and something died in me with the venom that he spat out. So please, if you have been able to cope with your anger, if you have been able to move on, please tell me how - it would help enormously if my son could.

Gemini - I agree we do have a lot of the same feelings regarding our adoptions. I am not glad we are both feeling such pain, but it is nice to know that I am not alone. That has been the hardest feeling to deal with over the years. I have always felt like I had no one to talk to about my adoption "issues" that would truly understand. Everyone would say how I was "chosen" and that I should be so thankful to my parents for raising me. They just never GOT it. This message board has been such a blessing to me. I finally am getting validation for my feelings and I am able to lend the same support to others.

reiscmi - I was told the same thing, that I was fortunate and blessed, yadda yadda yadda. I won't deny that I am blessed and things could have been worse but does that mean that 'she' is off the hook? In my opinion, 'she' doesn't get the credit for the way things turned out, 'she' should have been there to make sure things worked out. I have been told repeatedly to leave the past in the past but this is a part of my present and always will be. How do I embrace the woman that abandoned me??

:( Oh gosh!! Maybe that's my mistake... :( I was the one that searched... (a bmom here!)

gemini - :grouphug: Have you asked her "plain honestly" WHY she left you at her friend's house? just a nosey-nellie!! :D

I learn SO much from the adoptees on this board! Thanks all! :)

L@@king2, I think every adoptee is different. As an adpotee, I was personally grateful for every step my bmom took to reunite. I very much needed her to reach out to me too. If she had taken no intitive to search I would have felt as though she "still didn't want me". The fact that she searched for me and came for me was very healing for me. Obviously, others have felt differently... both responses make sense to me. I wouldn't neccessarily jump to the conclusion that you made a mistake with your bchild simply because you found her...

I echo what the good Pastor has said. I'm not searching, and don't have any plans too. If my birthmother found me, I'd like to believe I'd welcome that. I think it all depends on the parties involved. I don't feel a strong need at this point, and don't want to interupt anyones life, although I wouldn't feel as if mine was being intruded upon.

oh thank you for replying PastorStephanie and txrnr - I appreciate it! and your responses have helped too! Now I don't feel 'as bad' as before!!

If you guys don't mind - could you read my letter (of Sept 2007) - in my journal - some people have said it's too raw - and emotional. But I wanted to leave it that way, as this might be the one and only and last letter I might be able to send to her... and I wanted her to know HER story. What do you think? :eyebrows:

Thanks again!