Help! from adoptees would be appreciated!

Looking, I can feel your turmoil and your distress as you worry about whether to contact bdaughter again. I am also an adoptee from the closed era who was reunited with my bmom in May. I am older that your daughter but still amazed when I was found. This is just a thought. I understand that you want to tell her everything and correct her misunderstandings since you may not get another chance. But I was reading your letter - trying to stand in her shoes - and I was overwhelmed. It just seemed too much - particularly since I am extremely loyal to amom. Maybe you could just send a thinking of you card - with a short note and leave the door open. She may or may not respond but at least the door is open. I know that when I wanted my bmom the most was when I was pregnant with my first child. Good luck.

As an adoptee completely disinterested in any kind of reunion, I think you should leave her alone. I read your journal letters. Pouring your heart out was no doubt quite an experience. But as an adoptee, I wouldn't be interested what you had to say. Now, before a lot of readers go into complete attack mode, she asked for help from adoptees, and that's me.

Another idea is waiting for her birthday and instead of sending something to her you could post a "Happy Birthday" in her local paper? I always looked on my birthday and if I wasn't in the area I had a friend check. That way you are not "contacting" her but you are still showing you want contact. Dickons

I would not send "That" letter...I would wait until she was curious about you and your family to know more,hopefully she will have some curosity in time.....but if you send it all....then she no longer needs to contact you anymore.I would just send a short note and simply state, "My family and I will respect your wishes, "and include that lovely poem.and then move on with your life until she responds.at least you know she is happy and healthy, well loved and has no horror stories of foster homes, abuse, etc....etc... her a-mom sounds pretty controling and resentful of you coming back into her life and sounds like she would turn things into a nightmare right now anyway. She will have to live with this.... as it sounds like she has strongly influenced Bd anyway. pretty shameful.

The amom was likely told the same thing...that future contact would never happen...so I don't think it's "shameful" for her to have an honest reaction...I think she wrote directly, but respectfully, even though it wasn't the welcoming response that one might dream of. Everyone is entitled to feelings, even adoptive parents. She clearly said it was her daughter's choice and she was leaving it to her. The daughter is in her mid 30's and if she wanted a reunion, she would be having one. My heart does break for you, Looking. My fear is that if you send this "one last" letter, she might think that she can't trust you to honor boundaries in a relationship and it might make her more angry or shut her down forever. Then again, she might be moved by something you have to say...but she's already read 2 letters from you and only you can decide if it's worth the risk to send a 3rd one when she's asked you not to contact her again.

JP,I believe your opinion is valid, especially in a situation like this where the daughter is refusing contact. The first sentence, "pouring your heart out was no doubt quite an experience" to me does not seem like you are trying to "help" at all. I read it as quite sarcastic. If the daughter is totally disinterested in what she has to say, it would seem unlikely that the daughter would respond with a sarcastic "pouring your heart out..." comment, unless she is trying to hurt the writer. It seems highly unlikely that a person who is truly disinterested would simultaneously use words to wound. Of course, maybe you didn't intend the comment to be sarcastic because you'd have no eartly reason to try to hurt the writer, right? Truly, this is not intended to be an attack, just an illustratration of how I read your post, fwiw.

L@@king: I cannot answer your request for advice "as an adoptee" because there just isn't enough information to go on, and because I can't imagine ever saying, 'leave me alone." I'm just answering as a regular person... At this point, I think you should avoid the assumption that your letter might be "beneficial" to her -- you just don't know how she'll read it. Maybe she'll appreciate the information, maybe she'll be hurt, maybe she'll be angry, maybe she'll be numb -- who knows. What you can do, however, is carefully consider what it is that you need now and then devise a plan to go about getting your needs met. If you are trying to open the door for future communication, when it seems like the door is solid steel, then a brief note might be the best. If you are trying to relay important medical information, then just send that. If you need to express to her how you feel, even if it means you'll never interact with her again, then you might send the original, heartfelt letter. Will it hurt even more to send the heartfelt letter only to be rejected as a response? Sometimes people need are willing to risk rejection as long as they can express their perspectives. All I'm suggesting is that you try to maximize your chances for success, depending upon what it is that you need. It's okay to take care of yourself. I'm sorry that this is so difficult.

[FONT="Verdana"]Okay - it's been QUITE a while - UPDATE!

I sent the letter in April of 2008 - she sent back an email saying "she appreciated the letter and medical information and was touched by the part of her birth - but she asks again for no contact!

So, here it is 4 years later...

I've had CONTACT!!!! :woohoo: :clap:

I received an email for a "connect" to her LinkedIn account - and of course I accepted!! no email or letter or even a phone call... but it's a start and I shall wait - I haven't done anything to contact her - will let her take the next step!! It's a first big step for her, so I don't want to scare her off!

You all think that's the way to go??!! :confused:

Thanks in advance! :cloud9:

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L@@king, please be careful with social networking requests. According to what I found online, LinkedIn can [URL="http://www.linkedin.com/answers/using-linkedIn/ULI/961294-163669538"]send requests to someone's entire list of email contacts[/URL] without them knowing about it. If she hasn't contacted you some other way, too, it might not be what you think. I am so sorry that this might be the case, and I hope that she did actually send you one, but you might want to be aware of this in case she did not send it herself.I don't know the details of your last conversation or whether you'd want to risk asking her to find out for sure.

[font=verdana]That's intersting! :confused: I've talked with a lot of people and they've all said that you actually have to send the "invitation". How would the LinkedIn website "know" who to send invitations to? But I have not done anything since I have accepted her invitation. So, like you said, if she actually didn't send it herself, I haven't made any contact with her otherwise - waiting for her to make the next move! I really hope you're wrong!!! LOL! We shall "see" how this all plays out I guess!

Edited to add: she isn't on my email list...[/font]

L@@king2,I hope this is the opening that you have been waiting for from her.

L@@king, I am not saying that is what happened, I'm saying only that this can happen on these sites. It happened to me on a couple of them - not with family but with other contacts.Like L4R, I hope this is an opening for you, but I thought you might want to know the way some of those sites work.If she has your email in her email system anywhere then any of trhe spammy networking sites could exploit it and send you something without her permission. If someone doesn't understand that when you give certain sites the "OK" to "find friends" (or colleagues, or contacts) that you give the program access to your entire email contact list that can happen easily.

Unfortunately Linkedin is one of those that sends out requests to your ENTIRE email list and you do not screen the list first if you opt out. (Facebook also does that if you request it). If you check on here you will see another couple "reunions" had this happen and unfortunately it was not intentional contact. Honestly, I would send a brief email to the address that linked you and ask if it was intentional and then include your contact information.

I am hoping this is the first contact initiated by her . Would she even have had your email address??

I am too! No, she does not have my email address, and I don't have hers, so I don't know how that would have happened if the site automatically sends out email connects... :confused: Thanks for the info, though! I'm hoping it's REAL!! :banana: