foster children dating ?

thanks for the advice and we would know where she was going and who with but an 18 yr old who could soon be on her own i think should have a little freedom .

Our agency requires us to kind of make a plan for dating. The kids have to be trustworthy, loyal, brave, etc etc! You get permission from the agency for whatever kind of arrangement they want to set up. We haven't had any experience with that yet, though. The oldest official foster child we had was 8!

I'm really strict with FD. She just turned 16. She can do group dating (movies, etc.) but I meet the kids. I drive to/pick up. She is taking driver's ed and still has to pass to get her permit. She will probably be driving by herself by the time she is 17 so will renegotiate rules then. I am very strict: no going to boys' houses; if there's a party, I drop off and pick up and go into the house and meet the parents; we just had her sweet 16 and it was great and there were a lot of friends and family here to there were a lot of adults, but the kids still had the ability to hang out. I monitor the computer with a keystroke recording system (we had a lot of trust issue violations in the beginning but now things are great), so I know what websites she's visiting and who she's talking to. Yes, I am strict - I had a lot more freedom at 16 but my FD's biomom is an addict and dad is in prison so there were very few boundaries when she came here. I really think that she likes the strictness because it gives her a chance to really get to know a boy and if she's uncomfortable she can just put it on me how strict I am. Honestly, she's still a virgin which is a bit rare for teens (I also teach high school). She's started to date a boy she really loves and I imagine in the future that sex will come up. While I hope she waits, I am also realistic and will make sure she has birth control. But until then I am also really strict. They go to different high schools and he lives about 30 minutes away so I can somewhat monitor when they see each other. Usually movies, the beach, etc. My advice is just to be really involved and to make sure they have a lot of activities. My FD is a singer so she has a lot of singing/dancing lessons as well as therapy, family therapy, etc. She is also a counselor in training this summer. As a high school teacher, I see kids getting into trouble whom are bored. FD is definitely not bored but I let her do what she is interested in and really try to support her dreams. In addition, I have also learned that you can learn a lot about friends by driving them around. You can learn a lot just by them talking in the back seat. Just some advice - some teens would really rebel at these rules. I guess it depends how long you've had them, etc. My advice is to keep them busy.

Thanks for the tips! in a way your lucky you got her when she was a little younger and could influence her and teach her responsible dating habits ours was already a mother when placed so we've had to back track a little .

I'm surprised to hear about agency "rules" about dating - we were just told to handle it like we would with our own kids. So far, he's just had too little romances - and mostly they went out with another group of kids. He did take one of the girls to a movie a few times. He's not allowed to be alone with ANY friends in our house, and both girls' families had the same rule, so that wasn't an issue. I suppose I'd have to give it more thought if he was dating more seriously - but of course, since he is the boy, we are less likely to have issues like dating an older teen, riding in a car driven by the date, etc. My big focus is on helping him see things from the female point of view, and always have respect for the girl!

We were also told "handle it like it was your own kid"

...but kids are starting to date way to soon these days. I was 16 and my kids will be 16 also when they start to date. I made mention of this to some highschool girls in my shop and one of them about fell out of the chair and told me I couldn't do that and I told her just watch me. And I will be just as strict with my sons as I am with a daughter (if I ever have one). I say be very strict when it comes to dating and as they show you they can be trusted then you can give them more freedom. MommaCass

We had a sexually active 15 yr old girl placed with us earlier this year. The rule in my house is 16 for dating. She hated it, but superficially complied--she was still contacting the 19 yr old she'd been seeing (with bmom's help!) I have 4 bio kids, 2 girls, 2 boys. Three of them had to wait until 16. The girls are both married to wonderful men and my 19 yr old son is currently dating a fabulous young lady. The 11 yr old has a few years yet! The girls, who are older, have told me that having the rule in place really helped them avoid the pressure at school. Dad is a high school teacher. Everyone knew Mr. K's kids were off limits! Both girls also told us that because they didn't "have" to find a boyfriend they were able to look at the boys in a more critical light and made better choices later on. Remember, though, that these kids have ALWAYS known the rule. Foster kids, not so much. My fd didn't get it. She'd been having sex with her mom's okay for 3 years. It's pretty hard for someone who's been doing what she pleases to be told to clean her room let alone stop sleeping with boys! That's when I relied upon our agency's rules to back up mine.

I think one of the hardest challenges about foster parenting is taking a teenager that's been living 1 way his or her whole life into a homw with structure and rules we don't mind if A has male friends or goes out once in a while but the last thing she needs at this point is a 2nd child ! We also have issues with her getting a job we all work ! but i have a feeling she's been places where it was ok to sit at home and rely on "goverment help" so we'll see what happens with that !

i am also going through that with my 15 yr old daughter wanting to date i feel she is to young for that and she has plenty of time for boys i have tried talking to her about how most of them only out for one thing and that's it. well she likes a boy who just turned 18 in may and he says he's in love with my daughter etc.. but they cannot understand why we are saying no for one thing we think he is to old for her which he acts her age anyway he was her brothers best friend now that things have come out the boy isn't allowed at our house anymore and it has caused alot of problems because they started liking each other.we have nothing against the boy he is a really good kid but since it has came out that he likes our daughter more than a friend what should we do?? she thinks were wrong for not letting her see him. why can't kids understand that we dont do things to hurt them we just dont want to see them hurt. i dont feel like we were wrong in what we did do you think were being to mean by not letting her date anyone at this point??

This is really hard when they've been living another way. I'm really strict - I don't want her getting pregnant. Yes, she still could but I've found if you keep them busy with stuff they love, that helps out a lot. It's usually when they're bored that it's harder to get them to comply. My FD has activities every day. Yes, it's too much if you have a lot of kids but I only have her so it's easy to keep her busy with stuff she loves. She wants to do it - it's not me making her do it.

Please, please, please tell me that somebody has given this young woman birth control. Not just the pill or an IUD, but a big fat stack of condoms, too. She needs them to protect her health and her future.

I never thought about it while she was living here because she had little/no chances to be unsupervised with boys but now i wish i would have brought it up because eventually she's going to be on her own and need to know how to protect herself ugh ! we still talk occasionally and we still have the same agency cw I wonder if there's an appropriate way to bring that up ????? hmm.....

If you still talk, then TALK to her...Her health, safety and future rely on the information she gets from the people who love her. She needs to be protected from MORE than pregnancy. She needs to know that she can still catch diseases from "impossible to get pregnant" means of sex contact. The fastest growing population for HIV is TEENS!!!! They think oral and anal sex protect them because they can't get pregnant. Please tell her what she needs to know. And if you can't, then her cw needs to. BEFORE she needs STD treatment or gets an un-treatable diagnosis.

As a high school teacher, more and more I am seeing that oral and anal sex are not considered "sex." Many girls will "service" boys with oral sex and it really doesn't mean much, like rubbing someone's feet. It can happen at a party and be "hooking up." In other words, they are not always in a relationship. Most students don't practice safe sex during oral sex (using condoms) and I have had to really sit down with FD and explain safe sex applies to all types of sex - even defining what "sex" is. If you ask a majority of teenagers what "sex" is, it is vaginal sex. That's why some girls think that they are "saving" themselves by having oral and anal sex, but not vaginal sex. Yes, I have spoken to FD about waiting for marriage, etc. That would be ideal, but there is also reality. She is sixteen and a half and still a virgin, but many of her friends have been recently losing their virginity. If you don't feel comfortable being really specific with teens, then get a doctor or somebody who can. Yes, I do know that abstinence if best and I hope she stays a virgin. But studies have also been done that when teens only receive abstinence education, they are actually more likely to be sexually active.