biological mother wants to be "grandma" to my child

Hi Shelly, Most important point: Everyone needs to do what is right for them - there is no right or wrong in feelings - they just are. Seeing as you came looking for input... Growing up I had three grandmas - not a single one biologically related to me, and one of them, not biologically related or step related to mom and dad. She was still grandma - she was important to our family, and she was old enough to have been mom or dad's mom, so she got the title of grandma. The above way mom and dad handled that is perhaps one of the most important lessons they taught us but about loyalty, and about inclusiveness, and not cutting off your nose to spite your face. They acted the same in spirit, and in real life, towards each of our biological families. You can't have too many people in your life who love you. I would ask yourself how your mom and dad would feel - are you assuming they would want you to exclude all others for the sake of their memory, in not allowing another grandma to your child? You can, and likely will be, honoring your mom and dad with stories told to your child growing up - family stories that weave for your child the picture of who they were to you, and as your child's grandma and grandpa. I know relatives that passed long before I was born - because of the family stories that made them real to me - having a relationship with others, takes nothing away from memories of those no longer here. Just remember that love is not limited...rather it is limitless... As a final note: I would encourage you (based on 68 in your user name) to read "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler, and really take the time to understand what that era was, and did, to our mothers (and fathers). There weren't options - they didn't exist for the middle class unwed mother. The grief over losing us is still a present grief for many - even if it is less raw. The grief extends to your children, her grandchildren... Kind regards, Dickons

What you call someone doesn't determine their role in your life, but it can as Dickons indicated honor who they are in your life.Your parents of course are grandparents. But your biological mom is your child's grandma, regardless of what you call her. What about the baby's father's parent's? What will your baby call them? They are grandparents too.As Dickons mentioned, I too had many Grandma's. I'm a step parent adoptee, so a little different. I had my mom's parents - grandma and grandpa, my adoptive dad's parents - mawmaw and pawpaw, and then when my biodad reentered my life, his parents - grandma and grandpa, and my aunt's (who raised me for 4 years)parents - also grandma and grandpa.I was never confused about who was who. My kids, have a Gamma, a Grandma, 2 Grandpas, 2 Great Grandmas, 2 Great Grandpas, and a Didi. And that's just in their adopted family. There will be repeats of those titles in their biological family as well. If it's the name that really concerns you, consider a different form - Memaw, Gamma, Didi, Minda, MaMaw just a few I know of people using. It doesn't diminish their importance for your child to use the same title for more than one grandparent. Unfortunately, they aren't going to get to know your adoptive parents except through stories you tell. They do however have the opportunity to still experience a grandma in their life. I hope your grief doesn't prevent them from having that experience.But again, as Dickons said (I quote her way too much), you have to do what's best for you. Consider this - "What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet"

I am an adult adoptee and absolutely understand your desire to respect your parents. From the other side though, my father (adoptive) died before my children were born. My mother (adoptive) remarried and I agonized about what my children should call my stepfather. I loved and missed my dad so much. I did my best to see it from my kids' point of view; it's nice to have a grandfather. They have always called my stepfather grandpa. My children are young adults now and they have heard many loving stories about my dad; they respect my memories of him and think of him as their grandfather too. But they also have a relationship with living grandfather. I am glad I didn't let my feelings get in the way of that because it has brought me closer to my stepfather as I have seen what a great grandfather he is. Our kids can't grow up with too many family members who love them. But as Dickons also pointed out, everyone has to find their own way. Good luck.

You feel what you feel. And, you have a right to your feelings.However, as your child grows up, s/he may have a different take on things. Hopefully, you'll allow your child (at an age-appropriate time) to decide how s/he wants to refer to your b-mom.I'm guessing that the real fear is that she will take over as THE grandmother because the maternal a-grandparents are both gone. You want them to have a place of honor--and, more importantly, not to be forgotten by your child. And, I get that. Your b-mom can give your child gifts and talk with him/her. She can be present in your child's life. You don't want your parents to take a backseat.But, you have all kinds of stories that you can tell your child about them and how special they were to you. You can keep the memories alive by passing down family traditions to your child.

Different situation - but my parents divorced and when the first grandchild was born (my son) my mom BEGGED me to not let my step mom be "grandma". For her it was a really emotional issue, and I wanted (and needed) to respect that. My step-mom WAS a grandparent to my kids however, so we settled on her being Nana. My mom is Grandma and each have unique roles and relationships with the kids. If your mom is GRANDMA to you - even if deceased, then that is ok. They can call your bio mom by her first name, by Nana, Oma, or some other variation of the term meaning grandmother. Or heck "aunty" or "Miss" or whatever you think best. Kids love doesn't divide though - really :) My kids have several grandparents, and they love being spoiled by them all.

As others have said...I had 4 beautiful grandmas. My kids had four grandmas....I think we were all so so lucky. Share the love....

Absolutely, Dickons. My son's recognition of me as his son's grandmother is an important sign of his respect for me and my feelings. And for himself. And for his son. The way I respect my son is to recognise that his adoptive parents are his mum and dad. Despite the fact that his mum has treated me, and him, despicably. Despite that, I respect my son's feelings for them. If we don't have mutual respect and sensitivity, it affects the quality of the relationship.