Where Do I Put You in My Life?

Hi Jaysmom, welcome to the forum.In regards to how to respond to answer your son's feelings of "where do I put you," my thoughts are from a conservative male approach and to be guided by what happens with young children. If they feel close and relate well to the foster parents, often they will naturally call them mom and dad. In Jays case, my suggestion is to wait to see what he does. If he brings it up and queries you about what your status is, or should be, I would not make a big thing out of it. I'd simply say, why don't we wait for a while to see where I fit in. When you feel comfortable, I'll fit into any niche. For now, you can classify me as b-mom, friend, etc.There is no urgency that this has to be settled ASAP, but given enough time, it will happen without necessarily being defined. If you are together frequently, it will probably happen faster than if there are longer time periods when you are not together.I wish you the best.

For me, yes, actually, your question made me realize I have never figured that out. When I was younger I think the discomfort of it all simply resulted in me avoiding ever thinking about that question directly; I just sort-of let things happen a they happened. It's probably time that I took more initiative.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to post a reply. I am hoping that time, getting to know one another better, and meeting will help settle this question for him. Neither of his adoptive parents even live in the same state anymore, nor does his one sister. And I wouldn't dream of asking him to choose to spend time w/ my family over whatever obligations he has w/ his family. I'm currently in a blended situation w/ stepchildren, grandchildren and ex-spouses all attending functions and able to get along because we put the kids first...hoping for the same here?

In a perfect world that would be the best possible scenario...to come together and live life to the fullest.... but it depends on the personalities of those involved. It's a very good question and it sounds as though he might be asking you where you want to be in his life. Or maybe he is hesitating and is completely unsure of how much he wants to invest in the relationship. I am adopted and to tell you the truth....I don't know where I put my birthparents in the grand scheme of things. It's like this alternate world exists that I can't seem to get in touch with. I would say that the fact that you are communicating is a good thing. Keep the lines open and be true to yourself. That's about all any of us can do.

So it's not just me? Are there other adoptees out there who have trouble answering this question? The "alternate world" idea resonates.

I spoke to my son earlier this evening and we have made plans to meet next weekend. We live 5 hours apart and he has invited me to stay at their house for a night. I'm not sure he's any closer to knowing where to "put me" but I've learned he's told some of his close friends about us reconnecting and he told me they were happy and excited for him. He looks like me and sounds and laughs like his birth father. Two of his daughters look like me and the little one is a near clone. (gotta love facebook!) We will meet, I have yet to commit to staying at his house. Am I crazy to do that w/ our first face to face meeting?

Best advice I've heard for reunions: proceed slowly.Since this will be your first face-to-face meeting, neither one of you knows how emotional you will be, and you might both be thankful for a bit of time to decompress.But, I would definitely find out from him if he would be insulted if you didn't stay.

Seriously...I think staying somewhere else is the better idea. I was so emotionally fraught after my first meeting with bdaughter I needed some time and space to process and regroup. We had been writing for a year prior to meeting and that was all good but I had no idea of the emotion that would surface after that first meeting. We are all different though, but maybe better to be safe than sorry.

Hi Jaysmom,I think it's probably helpful to stay elsewhere. It's very kind of them to offer you a place to stay, I'd take that as a gesture that they really want to be "family," but as others said, you might need time alone.

Yes to this. Staying with him for your first face-to-face visit could end up being TOO much of a good thing. If you have a hotel room, you have a space to go back to when you need to decompress and face the emotions that have been raised by your interactions. You'll have the space to BREATHE. And if you won't be staying in his home, so does he. I think that's key for both sides of reunion. So like L4R said, proceed slowly...

Well...hmmm. Wishing I'd read these before accepting his invitation. Our search and reunion is somewhat atypical. I searched and found when he was 24, he was not ready then to meet, but his amom was and she and his sister have actually stayed in MY home and we had a wonderful time and it did not feel awkward at all. So he's known for a very long time who I am and where I am and I'm betting that w/ social media he has had access to parts of my life. (as I have w/ him) We had one phone conversation almost 10 years ago and no contact until he called me 2 weeks ago. Our conversations since have been lengthy and thoughtful and I've chatted w/ his wife too. We seem to share similar values and sense of humor. They have now told all 4 of their children I am coming and they are looking forward to it. I can't/won't back out on them. I have to believe this will work out. I have felt strangely calm and believe it's because I'm in a secure place emotionally w/ strong support from an exceptional boyfriend and know I'll be ok. I been letting him be the one to set the pace as he has been the reluctant one in the past. We do live 5 hours apart so visits will certainly not be frequent...this opportunity just came up. Thank you for your concerns and advice. I will certainly provide updates.

....and of course it may work out just fine! Hope you have an amazing time.

It was WONDERFUL! My other son and I drove downstate and we ended up meeting w/ him and his lovely wife for dinner that lasted FOUR hours! The following day he arrived to pick me up and take me back to his house where I did meet his 4 children. We had lots of time to talk and conversations ranged from 43 years ago when I was pregnant w/ him to current issues/relationships in his life. We didn't seem to shy away from asking/discussing difficult subjects and seemed quite comfortable. I did introduce him to the mother of a friend of ours as "my son" and he seemed ok w/ that. I was introduced to his father-in-law by my first name only and that's ok. (I also met his FIL's girlfriend and she is an adoptive mom and she cried and hugged me and told me how happy she was for this meeting!) I'm happy that I followed my instincts and went. While we don't have dates set for another meeting we both agreed that it will happen. He has assured me that he "has not given me his cell # and 'friended' me AND introduced me to his children to disappear on me" I believe he is less stressed or confused about "where to put me in my life" even if he hasn't fully figured it out yet. We've agreed that it is a journey and we don't have to answer that immediately and even when we do it will be something that is likely to change and evolve over time. It was enormously gratifying for a mother's heart to stand between her two sons for photos for the very first time and be able to see the same blue eyes shining from all of us! Thank you all for your input. I'll likely be back as our relationship builds.

That's wonderful news!I am so glad to hear that your visit went so well. It's awesome that you've now got a photo with your two sons. :)Good luck continuing to build a strong, happy relationship!

Jaysmom, thank you for sharing the wonderful news. It was great and your story was overwhelming. My hope is that you will have many more years with him as successful as this has been.I wish you the very best.