Adult adoptees & avoiding sex

diva, you said something that really struck me: sex makes people vulnerable and opens us up to rejection. Rejection is a hot-button issue for adoptees, and I know that we can reject others to save ourselves from being rejected. Perhaps another factor in avoiding sex is rejecting the other because of feelings of having been rejected (by bmom), and as a pre-emptive strike against being rejected. Thanks for providing another lens through which to interpret the issue. Karen, I am already on antidepressants. I was diagnosed about five or six years ago with chemical depression due to naturally low serotonin levels. I found that the medicine had sexual side-effects, but it helped me feel better and deal with life (by effectively dulling my emotions, I must admit), so I sacrificed my libido for my emotional well-being. I am hesitant to attribute my continued lack of sexual desire to the medication, however. I think if I had wanted to, I could have jumped that hurdle by now, especially since I was declared "robustly healthy" by my psychiatrist a year ago. I'm still on the medication for many reasons, including a lot of major life changes over the past year, and fear of experiencing my emotions at their natural levels. Still, after finding a therapist, I plan on gradually coming off the medication and seeing where I am. I definitely need professional guidance to help me deal with my emotions, and I feel it would be helpful to address my many other concerns with a professional, as well. I'm tired of popping pills! Thanks, though, for your input. You also mentioned that my issues don't necessarily have to stem from being adopted; of course I realize that people from all backgrounds suffer from many of the same issues that people address on these forums. I would argue that these types of issues stem from some sort of trauma, and that adoptees' being relinquished from their mothers tends to be the trauma that precipitates the issues in them. I find it helps me to feel comfortable with myself to explain it in this way; I used to think I was just a bad, crazy person. I like having a context in which to place my experiences and interpret them from there. I certainly understand your point of view, I just wanted to offer you mine, as well. :)

I can relate, I'm new and I've gone thru the statements given by everyone to hopefully give me a better understanding of some of the struggles that I go thru. I'm just the opposite of you however, the not wanting sex isn't my issue, my issue is the not wanting anyone truly close to me. I'm on my 3rd marriage now, when I married each woman, at that time I thought that I loved them, but I was unfaithful. I felt like I couldn't get enough attention, in many different aspsects, and I chose sex and the cure all. Like I said, I'm on my 3rd marriage now and I struggle every day with these issues. I originally found out when I was a freshman in highschool that i was adopted, it came about when we had an assignment in school to provide a family tree. When I was told, it literally rocked my world. I grew up in small town Iowa, counseling was not an option, my parents were good people, but came from the old school of that we push our emotions inside and when we're bothered by something, to go work hard and work it off. Another issue I have "workaholic". My point is, you and I are quite similair, just 2 different extremes, I think that our ultimate goal is to work our way thru and communicate more with our spouses, ask for patience and possibly seek help or atleast search for a friend that won't judge.

Thanks for your input, jd. You sound sort of like my dad, who is also adopted. My mom is his 4th wife. I think he's settled down now (no one else would have him, anyway! lol), but it took him a long time to find the woman who understood him and, more importantly, the woman he could trust. He threatened divorce several times, but I see that now as his way of saying "I'll be ****ed if you're going to walk out on me first!" I hope you find your own way to deal with the issues you talked about, especially since you "act out" in a way that must have really hurt your ex-wives. I can certainly understand your having those issues, though, what with not being told something you had every right to know (and probably already knew deep down, right?). It must have thrown you into an absolutel tail-spin. I've got to cut this short as I'm posting at work and my day is over, but welcome to the forum. I think you'll find a great deal of support here so you can realize just how normal you and your reactions are. :) Gina

Hmmmm well I was quite frankly a nympho b4 having my 2 children and then it went KAPUT I say I was a nympho because I just know that most of the time I had sex was for trying to get love - sex = love..and of course I got used a LOT because I would believe idiots ..I have major trust issues but yet I trust too easily !!! I know that sounds impossible but its True ! not so much now but certainly before I started researching affects of adoption - definitely I think now its more to do with Children and being worn out and who knows maybe a control thing too ?? for me

Tony, I am so glad that you were able to find your angel and congratulations on the engagement!!! I cannot even imagine how difficult your childhood most have been dealing with being adopted and sexual abuse. I only recently found out I was adopted so this whole process of healing is new to me, I had always suspected but in a way I guess I was very lucky that my life was already established when I found out. I work in juvenile corrections with sex offenders, the majority of them were offended themselves. So I see them struggling with their own abuse in a system that wants to focus on their crimes. Your story may have been long overdue but it is encouraging to hear from someone that has overcome being abused. Good luck to you and take care. Amanda

Glad to hear you found your love Tony, and congrats on the marriage! What a struggle you went through, but you must have come out stronger. Faux - I am not responding with any advice particularly on this topic. But I noticed you said you had a LDR with your now husband and moved to England to be with him a year ago. Sorry if this is inappropriate for the response in your post - I too am in a LDR with a guy from England. I would be interested to hear more about your experience of the move, and how you guys finally got together. I just signed up to this site tonite - seems like a great place with good people to talk to.

Pixie, I completely understand the "not trusting, but trust way too easily" mentality. It sounds like an oxymoron, but I do the same thing. In general, I am very pessimistic and not trusting and a real cynic... but when I face one person, I just desperately want their love and approval and those defenses go right out the window; I start falling all over myself to please that person. I suppose it's fortunate that I never felt very attractive or desireable and therefore didn't fall back on sex as a way to get approval and love. (I know that people who feel the need to have lots of sex have equally as many issues with self-esteem--if not more--as people who avoid sex.) There's no winning, is there? ;) Tony, I've PMed you with my thoughts and support. Hope you find it helpful. BAnn, I've PMed you (quite lengthily, actually) about my long-distance relationship story. :)

WOW! So many things said here ring true for me, too! Sexually abused for years as a child, not trusting anyone, body/self esteem issues, in my 3rd marriage, cheated on #1 & #2! I was a nympho before marriage but no interest after, but all with crappy guys...throw in date rape as my first sexual experience and some real "daddy issues" and you got...ME :) I too have avoided sex with hubby, he wants it everyday...once every couple of weeks would be okay with me right now...I try to explain to him the “pressure” he puts on me to perform but he doesn’t see it as pressure, just good natured kidding around...but it’s not....I keep telling him, give me a chance to want it...you know, absence make the heart grow fonder rationale but I rarely get the chance to “miss it”. I believe that a healthy sex life is important to us as individuals and have only recently been enlightened to line of thinking that many of my “life issues” can be directly linked to adoption...but it’s threads like this that open my wider each day to exactly how many! Faux: I hope you were able to find the right counselor for you...after reading the thread and posting this, it’s now quite apparent that I too “need some help”....thanks for the wake-up call!

Well, the need is "built in," but it's not always that easy. So far as I know we all have it to a greater or lesser degree.It is in me. What happens to me - in relationships - is this..... I fall in love, and my partner does too... We then have GREAT sex - I mean beautiful - spiritual. For a while. 3-4 months later, something happens. In my last relationship she didn't want sex one afternoon because she was tired. And then --- sex is dead. After that point it is easier for me to relate pornographic images than risk "myself" in a real relationship.Good god... I am so pissed off with this. I just want to be who I actually am with the person I adore and yet I find myself sabotaging it all.WTH!

"Now I found an absolute angel and I am gonna marry her on May 25th. So I waited 22 years. And it was a struggle and still is sometimes. I love her and WANT to have sex...I sometimes have terrible feelings afterwards and it hurts bad and I feel like crap--but she is right there to take care of me." Thank you sweetie....I love you more than anything. I want you to always know that you are strong, amazing, wanted and accepted for WHO YOU ARE NOW - NOT WHERE YOU CAME FROM. You are what you make of yourself. Origins do not define a person - actions do. Your actions exhibit love, commitment, caring, loyalty, honor, integrity....I could go on forever. You should be proud of who you are. There's room in everyone's heart for all of the people that shape our journey - you can carve out special places for those who gave you life and for those who taught you to live it. You are in control of what you give and what you get back. I will always be here to take care of you - promise. 5/25/08.....my destiny

Thanks for this post.I can relate to much of it.I'm tired so may say a bit too much, but hey others have been honest and I hope I don't offend.I do have a poor body image- my BM scarred me at birth and I am also afraid of turning out like her/not being able to cope with a baby (thus some fear of sex even with contraception).I am afraid of rejection and like many adoptees have poor self confidence- my BF has previously almost scored my performance in bed before and compared me to his ex.But I keep hoping things will get better in and out of bed as I can't cope with the pain of breaking up.I also feel my life is not great in many ways (I feel quite useless tho' have and will have counselling), I don't have goals and have depression and this can carry over to the bedroom.

I definitely avoid it. I'm probably the worst case here. I honestly have never done it either, heck, I haven't even ever gone on a date. It's all because of my fear of trusting people. I think if I trust people too much, they'll leave me. Because trusting people is like asking for help, and being vulnerable. The last time I was truly at my most vulnearble state and asking for help was when I was being born, and my birth mother had died, and my birth father responded to my cries by giving me away. So I avoid any intimacy with anyone, even on the most basic level. It's not a very fun way to live. It'd be nice to trust people but I'm so afraid.

I still am at the point where I just CANNOT have sex. I feel really bad about it. My guy is very supportive of me being celibate, but every once and awhile he says something to me and I'm just so angry with myself that I can't bring myself to sleep with him. I am so angry with my past, why can't I just get over it? I am not my birth mom. I'm not going to give up my baby. I'm not my adoptive father, I will not hurt my baby. I am fully capable of being a good parent should that ever happen. My partner is a fully capable adult aswell, I know I wouldn't have to parent a child alone. He would also make a great father. So why is it that no matter how randy I get, I just can't bring myself to have sex? I've been talking to a councelor, btw.

If I feel like the other person might reject me the sex is very good. When my husband and I were first together it was very good and later every once in awhile. It was especially good after my adad died. I used to have to get drunk to enjoy it though. Now I don't drink so yeah one other thing ruined.

I don't have a fear of getting pregnant. My birthcontrol is very effective so I know for me it's not that. I just got so good at acting.