When foster parents don't adopt you

I'm just an adoptive mom ...but my son was fostered for almost 2 years (between 2-4 years old) by the same foster family. They also had a bio son who was just a year older than DS...so during all that time he also was growing up with a brother figure. When it came down to it they choose not to adopt for several reasons, but they really worked with my son teaching him about adoption and getting him real excited to be a part of his new forever family. I really think the foster mom did a GREAT job of getting him excited and READY to be in a forever family because he came to us with such an open heart ready to love and be loved in return. We got him when he was 4 and he's about to turn 8 now. He's never once made comments that suggest he thinks they didn't love him or that they didn't want him or anything like that. Yes at times he's said he missed them and wanted to go visit...but he has never been confused about where/who his forever family is. I think the main part of fostering is NEVER make promises that they are going hom, or that they are going to be staying with you forever etc....until you are ABSOLUTELY CERTIAN you can fulfill those promises. A big thing we've always made a point of saying is that "it's up to the judge" to decide if the parents are doing what they need to in order to keep their kids safe and healthy....and the same goes for us the foster family. If the parents can't get the kids back and we would like to adopt we always say...we'd love for you to stay with our family and we have to go to court to ask the judge if we can be your forver parents. If we didn't want to adopt the child....(I've fostered (respite care)several foster kids that were legally free for adoption) and one of them in particular asked if he could stay with us. I told him that God knows each and everyone of us personally and he knows what's best for us and told him that someday when the time is right god would bring him adn his family together, but until then all he could do was just keep on being the wonderfull little boy he was and to keep praying and that someday he and his family would be together. It was a REALLY good talk. We both really connected....he knew how much I loved and cared for him and how excited I was that someday he'd be with the Mom and dad that god picked out just perfect for him. When he left our home, you could tell by the glow on his face that he understood. It wasn't about him being bad or no one wanting him etc(he had been in fostercare for 4 years and bounced from several foster homes and then to a group home because he had ADHD and obsessive compulsive disorder)...the place he was being sent next was a special needs adoption agency type home...that only worked with special needs kids in preparing them for an adoptive home....that would be adopted through that special agency.

I wonder if that might not sometimes backfire - making a child really resentful and paranoid of the system? With ours, I always put the responsibility on the parents - something like "if your parents can get well enough to take care of you." My experience comes at the other end of the age spectrum, with a much older child that had come to believe that he AND his parents were victims of a system that was trying to split them up. This made him really fearful and angry about all authority - he STILL gets upset when he sees a police officer, and is always fussing and worrying that I'm going to get my daughter taken away for all kind of nonsense, like not zipping up her coat when it's cold.

I was in the foster system from age 5 years to 7 years. The first foster home was for 6 months and was more of a group home environment. It was clear that it was not a home environment so I had no expectations of being adopted. My second placement was a traditional foster home. My sister and I were there for a year. We had 2 foster brothers just slightly younger then me. I had no problem not being adopted by them. My problem was that it was clear that we weren't really wanted. Our bedroom was downstairs while everyone else was upstairs. We were expected to play in our room and not in the living room or in our fbrothers' room. We had chores while our brothers did not. They used the belt on us. They always believed our fbrothers over us -- which sometimes led to the belt for something they had done. I was there for a birthday and christmas and we got nothing. It was obvious that we were not a part of the family. Then we were placed in another group home type environment for 6 months that was not an adoptive placement. Then we were placed in our adoptive home. I was just so glad that I wasn't adopted by my foster family.Samantha

Yes, that's true....I do the same but in a round about way. I say something more like "birthparents have to show and prove to the judge that they are making the changes necessary, then the judge decides if they are capable of keeping them safe and so forth....So yes...I do always put an emphasis on the parents responsibility...but I still emphasis the judge as the person who ultimately decides based on the evidence....him and God of course. I put the same emphasis towards the courts (ultimate decision) as I do (Gods knoweledge of what's best for the child). For example we pray that God will Bless the judge to make the right decision for this child since he knows more than anyone what his plan is for the child and what the childs needs are. Thankfully we've (almost) always dealt with very wise judges.

Samantha, sorry to hear of your sad experience but thank you for sharing it. I'd like to hear from more fostered adults.

There was so much great advice on this thread. I wanted to thank all of you for sharing. It's so helpful to us that are starting out.

I share your concerns. I have two children in our home that want desperately for us to adopt them, altough we took them knowing that we would not (they had to be removed from their former foster family due to "issues"). We told them from day one that we would not be able to adopt them yet, they desperately want us too. They have a family who is adopting them AND their 14 year old sister together, so I'm thrilled for them...but I wonder if they will always feel like we rejected them.

I was fostered by bio family aunt and uncle for some time until I was almost 3. They had two boys, and me. Then they got pregnant. Found out it was a girl, and suddenly I was a bother. I still to this day remember some things. I was shortly thereafter adopted out to strangers. This effected me until I was about 23. I think it's all about the transfer. How you go about it and don't let off that it's because you're not right for their family. Make sure that they know they're loved, and you're so excited for them to go with their permanent family. Just my unfortunate experience anyway.....

I ws in fostercare from age 8- 18 and lived in three foster homes and one group home during that time. I wished to be adopted, but never resented not being. What I did resent was being treated differently than the families biological children. I was often treated as a second class citizen. More rigerous rules, more chores, less patience shown, harsher treatment in almost every way; and the worst thing - being told, "if you don't follow our rules we'll have to send you away" Now what parent in their right mind would ever say that to their own child? I now have two sons and the concept of using that sort of a threat to help them to respect discipline and rules is simply not within my reality. If you are going to take in a foster child and you don't want them to resent you, treat him or her as you would your own child. Discipline them as you would your own, praise them as you would your own, and never use threats of returning them (like a dog to the pound) if they don't learn fast enough for you.

Or like my cousin in foster care. the foster parent stated that 'we'd like to adopt J, depending on how therapy goes.' UGH@ I"ll adopt her no strings attached.

I was in foster care from age 14.5 to 16. After that my former caseworker took guardianship of me. Foster care was an awful experience for me. I was in 3 different homes each more difficult than the last. At that time they weren't pushing for adoption of older kids and in my case it wasn't really an option anyway.

We have 2 foster daughters right now that are going to be adoptable. Both have some pretty big issues as far as special medical needs. We have 2 children and are in the process of adopting another. We have struggled with the decision to adopt or not to adopt them! I always worry they will feel rejected if we don't, and I worry about keeping them years (we have said they can stay no matter how long it takes to find an adoptive home) and the damage it willdo to them to leave us after all that time! This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through!

Staying "for years" in one stable and loving foster home is a FAR better alternative than bouncing around from family to family; trust me!

I think that's the truth of the matter in a nutshell. The parents have a plan to work and the judge decides if they've done it to his (or her) satisfaction. Parents often, I believe, grossly underestimate the value of just telling kids the unvarnished truth. Just state the facts and let them ask about what they don't understand.