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I have a child out-of-wedlock. D was almost a year when the biofather (bf) decided to be a part of our child's life. We had established paternity. He exercised visits (not always the full visits), he paid support (although he was always in arrears), he participated in our child's life as much as his job would allow. The whole time since wife #2 came into the picture (remember, he and I never married) it has been very stressful and they filed false allegations, cussed out teachers, accused the pediatrician and child's therapist of abuse (filed complaints against the state).
The year or so prior to him wanting to give our child up for a stepparent adoption he had a job out of the country which allowed him a visit every 4 months, if he came home. However, the first leave he got, he didn't come home. So, he went 10 months without seeing D. This was when our D was about 8 1/2 to 9 1/2 years old. Then he wondered why our D was standoffish with him when he finally came home for a short visit. Anyways, summer of 2006 he comes home for a 2 1/2 week leave and has our child the entire time. He decides not to return to that job. Makes arrangements to get our D on a weekend that is mine (my birthday) due to his family reunion. However, he calls the night before he is to get her and cancells getting her. Next night I get an email out of the blue stating he wanted to have my husband adopt her. "Since she already calls him Daddy, why not make it offical."
My husband has been in child's life LONGER than the biofather. My husband had custody, sole custody, of his son. My D picked up on his son calling him dad...we never forced the issue. Even as she got older we told her she could call him by his first name, by dad or whatever else.
So, X signed consent in front of the Judge and adoption was finalized in February of this year. I thought that would be the end of the harrassment that family has done to us. I was wrong. They live OUTSIDE our school district however, they lied about their address and continued to keep the child X adopted (his stepchild) in our school. I brought it to the school's attention and they investigated and found that they indeed did live outside of the area. Confronted them, allowed them to stay! What a bunch of crock. What a way to teach kids that it is okay to lie and cheat in life to get what you want!
So, now we face the fact that our D will be subjected to her past on a daily basis. How do you help her through this? she is glad she'll get to see her siblings however, she is very leary of running into the man who turned his back and the wife that forced the adoption (from what we hear).
Any suggestions? (ps: sorry this post is so long, just trying to give a bit of background)
Jenn
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Unfortunetly the custodial parent and the adoptive stepparent are often put in this position; to defend the person that walked out on the child. It stinks, but we do what is best for our children. You are going to have to spin this into a positive for your daughter.
As far as the school district letting them stay, usually as long as you provide your own transportation, and sometimes pay a small fee, a district will let you continue to keep your child enrolled in the school even after you move out of the district. Some children have a hard time adjusting to change, and the school feels as long as the parents can get them to and from school, if it is in the best interest of the child to stay at that school, then sobeit, so I would just let that wash right off your back. Yes they should have been upfront with the school and let them know that they had moved, but all in all it isnt that big of a deal and by 'ratting them out' to the school you are only fueling the fire for bad blood and a reason for stress between the two families. If your daughter sees you up in arms over the situation she too will become stressed and upset, so the happier you are about things, or genuinely appear to be, the happier she will be and the easier that she will adjust.
Don't take on the attitude of 'he turned his back on her' this will only lead to her feeling abandonment issues strongly. Instead focus on the fact that he did what he thought was best for her. He had a hectic job and could not get home to see her very often which did not give them many chances to get to know each other, which was not fair to her. Since she did already have a father figure in the home whom he knew loved and cared for her as a father should, so much so in fact that she was happy to call him daddy, he felt comfortable enough in allowing that man to adopt her. She doesn't need to know all of the details now, she will ask questions as she grows up and put two and two together on her own. All she needs to know now is that he did what he thought was best for her because he loves her and wants her to be happy and to have the best, most stable life that she can, because all of the adults know that is what she deserves.
She doesn't need to be afriad to run into him. Perhaps discuss with her what to do if she sees him. Would she like to wave? Would she like to say hi to him? Chances are she doesn't want to make you and her adoptive stepdad upset, so she has no idea HOW to react to seeing him, and that is very stressful for a child. She needs to know that whatever her feelings are, they are okay for her to have. If she wants to wave to him, that is okay. If she wants to smile, she should smile, and if she isn't ready to talk to him yet, well then that is just fine too. She still gets to see her siblings and that is a good thing! Parents are rarely at school now a'days only for pick up/drop off and special functions many schools don't even allow for parents to come and eat lunch with their children anymore, so she has very little chance of running into her biological father during the school day.
The more relaxed that you are about the situation the more relaxed she will become. Once she sees from you that it really isn't a big deal that they all still go to the same school, and that it isn't the end of the world if she happens to run into her biological dad she will be okay.
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stepadoptionblog
As far as the school district letting them stay, usually as long as you provide your own transportation, and sometimes pay a small fee, a district will let you continue to keep your child enrolled in the school even after you move out of the district. Some children have a hard time adjusting to change, and the school feels as long as the parents can get them to and from school, if it is in the best interest of the child to stay at that school, then sobeit, so I would just let that wash right off your back. Yes they should have been upfront with the school and let them know that they had moved, but all in all it isnt that big of a deal and by 'ratting them out' to the school you are only fueling the fire for bad blood and a reason for stress between the two families. .