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I've got a question about the best way to approach an adoption agency when considering giving up a child (or children) for adoption. I'm 17 weeks pregnant with twins. I thought I could raise one child on my own, but not twins. Yesterday I found out they were boys, and now I'm really doubting my ability to raise them without a father. I'm 24. I've got a good job, but I travel all the time. The father is a guy I met on a business trip. It was stupid, I didn't know him that well. I know he's the father but I don't have any way of contacting him.
Adoption's been in the back of my mind ever since I found out i was pregnant. My Dad's adopted, and my grandparents are the greatest, I'd like to find those kind of parents to raise my sons, but finding the right agency and adoptive parents is freaking me out. I've spent hours going through the adoptive parent profile websites. Every profile makes couples seem like the perfect parents, but anyone can sound good on paper. How do you trust an agency enough to know they've really screened people? Can you really trust the information listed there or are they just saying what they think birthmothers would want to hear?
Being pregnant is making me serious. I know can't be irresponsible again. I don't think I can provide a good enough life for them as a single mother, money's my biggest concern. What's really bugging me is that when I read stuff online about adoption, there's always so much about adoption financing and tax credits for adoption, it seems like adoptive parents really can't afford the process. How do you know if adoptive parents could really afford raising twins? Would an agency really be honest about something like that? I don't want to give them up to a family who's struggling more than I am.
Adoption seemed much easier until I looked into it. Now I'm worried and the process seems so complicated. I don't want to waste an agency's time until I'm 100% committed. I've gotta figure out what the perfect family would be and which agency would be right. I really worry an agency might pressure me into picking a family I don't like. I almost wonder if maybe I need a lawyer looking out for me in the process, or would that be weird?
Sorry if this is rambling. I've been up all night thinking about this. I want adoption to be the solution, but I also don't want to do this just because it's easier than being responsible.
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[LIST][*]No solicitation of parents, ever!: Adoption.com chat rooms, message boards and blogs are NOT places for adoptive parents and adoption professionals to solicit expectant parents. So many people visit the Adoption.com community that potential birthparents get "pounced on" from dozens of different people if this rule is not strictly observed. Adoption.com is committed to making its community of websites, chat rooms and blogs places where potential birthparents feel safe. It is not appropriate for adoption professionals or hopeful parents to post "I can help" messages or Internet addresses for potential birth parents to visit or to send this type of e-mail or private message to potential birth parents.[*]Caution to expectant parents considering adoption: Are you pregnant and considering adoption? For your safety, we strongly recommend that you do not select adoptive parents or an adoption professional from Adoption.com or its community of websites. We have no way of knowing which parents on the site are qualified to adopt, and which professionals are reputable. Visit ParentProfiles.com, a service of Adoption Profiles, LLC, to find information on hundreds of hopeful adoptive parents who have each met the requirements to adopt in their state. Visit AdoptionDirectory.com to find an adoption professional.[/LIST]
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Just a quick note:
I'm the adoptive parent of 2 girls (my stepdaughters originally) and we're recently approved as both foster/adopt parents. Yeah! We're planning for a sib group of 2-5 kids, and have set up house along those lines. Anyway, in going through our homestudy, our agency wanted to know very specific things- checking account balance, savings account info, other financial resources (401K, bonds, stocks, etc).
They also wanted to know about our debt. They ran credit checks, talked to our banks, etc. We have no credit cards, haven't in over 10 years. Own our vehicles, etc. The agency checked all of that before they'd approve us for the number of kids we were willing to take.
Honestly, we've been praying for this for years, we knew we wanted to adopt sibs (especially those that would have normally been separated during adoption/foster care). We saved, and moved into a larger home, in order to be ready for the kids we knew would oneday arrive.
Friends laugh, because we moved into a new neighborhood (gated with our own stables, pools, lakes, etc etc) that is known for growing families, yet our own kids are teens. We just wanted to be prepared.
The whole point of saying this is: agencies check this stuff. At least good ones do. They wanted to know more than I ever imagined, but its easy to give them the info, knowing that its going to help a mom make a decision for her child(ren).
Just ask your agency what they know, and ask them to be honest with you. Ultimately, you have to be comfortable with your decision.
As my dad always says, it never hurts to ask. The best case scenario: you get to know the info you want. The worst case scenario: they say no, they can't share it.
As for the poverty, it can be hard. I know most people feel that its ok to grow up without a parent, but I think you know in your gut, someday, the children ARE going to want to know about their dad. But knowing all those things, it doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't parent. It just means that you need to decide in your heart how you'll handle it all.
Who knows, you might meet a wonderful spouse who wants to parent your boys, and who would adopt them and raise them. After all, my hubby found me!
cottonwood9
Thanks for everyone's replies. I have a lot to think about. I'm trying to look at both sides, both for and against adoption. Things would get complicated if I decided to keep the twins. I wouldn't qualify for assistance, I guess that's a good thing. I would have to change jobs, I couldn't do what I do and be a single mom, and the company I work for isn't family friendly at all, I've already been talking to an attorney about my rights regarding maternity leave etc. I'm expecting problems. I still think that adoption might be the best option. It's definitely what my parents would tell me to do. I haven't told them, and I don't want to, especially if I choose adoption. My parents are devote Catholics who believe in two parent families. They would not support me if I decided to raise the twins myself. I'm not sure I completely disagree with them either. I liked the way I grew up, I want my sons to have that kind of a life, there's something to the stability of having two parents where the mother can stay at home full time. I don't want to be the type of parent who just dumps their kids at day care all day. I already feel guilty now, I can't imagine how guilty I'd feel if I'm not the parent I'd want to be. I'm going to keep looking into adoption agencies and learning as much as I can about the process. I want to be as educated about this as I can. In my head, I keep going back and forth. This morning I woke up thinking I was insane to want to raise them by myself. Now, I'm worried that if I give them up, it'll be a decision I always regret.
You have not become a mother yet. You are just expecting and thus I think it is not possible for you to understand how much these little guys will mean to you. I have been in these forms at least 4 years. I have watched many young woman who were determined to give up their son or daughter went through their jurney. Every time that I saw a mother who could have parented but did not I wanted to say " you will regret it , you will regret of giving all of you... the things that are important to you now, will not be important to you once you have your baby and especially when you give up your baby. " I think it would not help. I think if I had written to them and told them most were going to say " I know what I am doing you do not know me , how can you judge me ? " No I am not judging . I am saying that the bond of nature, the bond between a mom and their children is very strong and special and when you break it you break all of yourself all of your being . I do not think that a birth mom ever can completely heal from losing her child. I wish otherwise though. So if you decide on giving up please know beforehand that by doing so you will break yourself and your family . Your parents also will lose their grand children. and this is also a big loss. You may see your pregnancy as a punishment now, but who knows may be years later you will say " I was blessed but I did not know it ".
Marimar
You have not become a mother yet. You are just expecting and thus I think it is not possible for you to understand how much these little guys will mean to you.
I have been in these forms at least 4 years.
I have watched many young woman who were determined to give up their son or daughter went through their jurney. Every time that I saw a mother who could have parented but did not I wanted to say " you will regret it , you will regret of giving all of you... the things that are important to you now, will not be important to you once you have your baby and especially when you give up your baby. "
I think it would not help. I think if I had written to them and told them most were going to say " I know what I am doing you do not know me , how can you judge me ? " No I am not judging .
I am saying that the bond of nature, the bond between a mom and their children is very strong and special and when you break it you break all of yourself all of your being .
I do not think that a birth mom ever can completely heal from losing her child. I wish otherwise though.
So if you decide on giving up please know beforehand that by doing so you will break yourself and your family . Your parents also will lose their grand children. and this is also a big loss. You may see your pregnancy as a punishment now, but who knows may be years later you will say " I was blessed but I did not know it ".
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Cottonwood-I hope you don't mind a reply from an adoptive parent. We have adopted twice, the first time, we adopted our twin boys and second, our daughter.
I can't answer about every agency, but I know our agency told us they were there to help the birthmother. When we filled out our agency information, we had to tell them about our income and they had to verify all of our information. I won't lie, agency adoption is expensive, and most typically, people who couldn't afford a baby, wouldn't adopt through and agency. Also, the couples have to specify whether they would want more than one if that were a possibility. So, basically, if you did decide you wanted to place your twins, then you could specify exactly what kind of couple you want and I am pretty sure you could ask them to be sure household income is above a certain level (not sure if they would be specific about amount but at least, you could say above ___). I know there are many agencies who I have heard pressured biological mothers but our agency reassured us that they gave them all options and supported them in whatever decision. Oh, and you could see a lifebook, like the couple and request a phone or in person meeting to be sure you like them. That is how our children's biomoms did it. We spoke by phone and scheduled a meeting and then it was up to them when we saw them again, whether for doctors appointments or at the hospital.
I don't think it would be inappropriate to meet with more than one agency and sort of feel out how they were. If they pressured you, tell them you changed your mind and leave it at that.
I don't know that once you decide on an agency that your feelings will be any easier. It was very difficult for our biomoms and we have a pretty open relationship.
No matter what your decision, I do hope you have peace in your heart about it. Blessings.
Well my husband and I are adoptive parents looking to adopt privatly and I believe that private adoption is one way that you can really know if someone can afford adoption, because they will pay for everything. While getting our homestudy completed we had to let them know about alll of our finances, if the social worker believed that we were not financially stable they would have never reffered us, so I believe that if someone is willing to pay for the full adoption as well as having a completed homestudy with financial information included then they must be able. If you are interested in learning more about my husband and I please let me know, we are more than interested in adopting your twins, we have prayed for a long time for a birthmother to cross our paths.
I recieved an email saying someone posted on this thread. I can't find the post I assume it was deleted as it was someone looking to adopt.
Cottonwood was 17 weeks pregnant Oct 9, 2007, if the pregnancy went to term the baby boys would have been born in April. Twins can go full term, but from what I have read they come early.
So these babies have been born already either way. Has there been a post as to what decision was made?
Did the babies go to term?
Miscarry?
Kept?
Adopted?
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I just have to say as a person who was adopted not once did I ever think that my Birth Mother did a horrible thing...Actually I thank her everyday for the life she gave me. I have wondered about her (i cannot lie) but not because she put me up for adoption, but because i always wanted to thank her for doing so and giving me life.
My parents always told me that i was adopted and when ever i had questions they answered them to the best that they could, and I respected that. As a grown woman who is trying to adopt now, i to hope to be able give give that to my adopted child one day.
Good luck with whatever decision that you make and as long as you follow your heart you'll make the right choice!
No one can look into a crystal ball and see what the future brings. It sounds like you have been giving this alot of thought and you still have plenty of time to make a final decision. Just make sure it is something you can live with.
Also by reading what you are saying, you might want to request to speak with the aparents.
When I gave my son up years ago I wanted a closed adoption for his protection but now I wished I would have at least knew he went to a good home and if he had a good life.
Now that I am on the othe side of the coin, I have the need to get to know the bmom and build the realtionship with her. Mainly because of my own background.
Through our adoption process I chose not to go through the agencies because I wanted the more personal touch.
It sounds like you might want the same, I can only suggest that you do your own research first before signing with an agencies. You can look at profiles on the web like parentprofiles or other sites, contact the families and as you build your own realtionship you might find what you are looking for. Also look in the local newspapers and just make some calls.
And as to your question if profiles are geared to what the bmom wants to hear. Think about, how would you try to sell your life in such a short profile, it is hard!!! And not everyone has the creative writting skills.
Make sure your wishes are understood by both the aparents and lawyers.
By wanting a better life for yourself does not make you a bad person.
No one can look into a crystal ball and see what the future brings. It sounds like you have been giving this alot of thought and you still have plenty of time to make a final decision. Just make sure it is something you can live with.
Also by reading what you are saying, you might want to request to speak with the aparents.
When I gave my son up years ago I wanted a closed adoption for his protection but now I wished I would have at least knew he went to a good home and if he had a good life.
Now that I am on the othe side of the coin, I have the need to get to know the bmom and build the realtionship with her. Mainly because of my own background.
Through our adoption process I chose not to go through the agencies because I wanted the more personal touch.
It sounds like you might want the same, I can only suggest that you do your own research first before signing with an agencies. You can look at profiles on the web like parentprofiles or other sites, contact the families and as you build your own realtionship you might find what you are looking for. Also look in the local newspapers and just make some calls.
And as to your question if profiles are geared to what the bmom wants to hear. Think about, how would you try to sell your life in such a short profile, it is hard!!! And not everyone has the creative writting skills.
Make sure your wishes are understood by both the aparents and lawyers.
By wanting a better life for yourself does not make you a bad person.
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No one can look into a crystal ball and see what the future brings. It sounds like you have been giving this alot of thought and you still have plenty of time to make a final decision. Just make sure it is something you can live with.
Also by reading what you are saying, you might want to request to speak with the aparents.
When I gave my son up years ago I wanted a closed adoption for his protection. If I had that crystal ball, I wished I would have at least knew he went to a good home and if he had a good life.
Now that I am on the othe side of the coin, I have the need to get to know the bmom and build the realtionship with her. Mainly because of my own background.
Through our adoption process I chose not to go through the agencies because I wanted the more personal touch.
It sounds like you might want the same, I can only suggest that you do your own research first before signing with an agencies. You can look at profiles on the web like parentprofiles or other sites, contact the families and as you build your own realtionship you might find what you are looking for. Also look in the local newspapers and just make some calls.
And as to your question if profiles are geared to what the bmom wants to hear. Think about, how would you try to sell your life in such a short profile, it is hard!!! And not everyone has the creative writting skills.
Make sure your wishes are understood by both the aparents and lawyers.
By wanting a better life for yourself does not make you a bad person.
I dont know in what stage of the process you are now but I would love to talk to you please email me spice0917@gmail.com