Closing an open adoption- Please no flaming!

When I hear statements like "we want to raise her on our own" I think co-parenting, NOT open adoption. If she is trying to parent then you hold all the power to stop that, and that wouldn't neccessarily mean cutting all contact. You can close the adoption, never speak to her again, but the fact still remains, she has another mother.Have you sought counseling for your feelings?And how is a letter a year and a few pictures hurting anyone? How would that make you feel less like your child's mom?ETA: You hold all of the power, this situation gets to be HOWEVER YOU want it to be, if you can't take hearing from her is it reasonable to tell her this and then still keep your end of the agreement of sending an occassional letter and pic? Yes, open adoption is for the child, but you made an agreement and were likely chosen with that agreement in mind.

"It's just that everytime I hear from Dee, (whether by letter or phone) I come away feeling a rip in the tight bond I have with Sarah."Have you tried counseling for your feelings?

I understand everyone's point but on the point Mom2 is making about "insecurity," i read this article today and was sort of blown away by it....I think people need to realize there is a NEED for a parents truly to receive "permission" in an OA from their kids' birth parents in order to parent. It sounds like Sarah's birth mom has been unwilling (for whatever reason) to do so. (I understand, btw, this has nothing to do with at least keeping the relationship semi-open, but I think I can understand what a bummer it is to have to deal with this stuff from Dee.) [url=http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/03/08/open_adoption/]Adoption.com - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws -[/url]

In a perfect world, it would be great if bmothers could set their emotions aside, be logical, and get on with it, but let's face it how can you enter into an open adoption and not expect emotions to get in the way, healthy or not, it's a reality. As aparents is it not also a responsibilty to have this expectation at the very least, if not realization, and be able to respond on your adoptees behalf?

I highly doubt that is what ANYONE here was talking about. So is it my responsibility, as an aparent, to take complete and utter disrespect from a bparent? How does that work? The child is 3. So this has been going on for 3 years. Funny...I think what she is doing...closing the adoption (even to just a semi-open with pictures / letters) IS the BEST WAY she can "respond on her adoptee child's behalf". How is it healthy to have someone in your life that doesn't respect anything about your family? I'm not sure what you meant by "responding on adoptee's behalf" actually...believe it or not...it's not ALWAYS in the best interest of the adoptee to have contact with thier bfamily.

This is an honest question, not a sarcastic one :) How has she disrespected you? Has she done things during visits or is it specifically things she said in letters or just a general feeling? I might have missed that part of the post, so forgive me for asking. This just saddens me, for everyone all around but mostly for your DD. I feel sad that you feel you are not her real mother because you are. And I feel bad that you think the absence or presence of a birthparent makes you more or less her mother, or more or less a family. Because the facts are you ARE a family, but Sarah HAS a birthmother. I know you acknowledge that, but I just keep thinking of wilted roses post and how one day you will explain to her what is going on now. Cutting her off for the next 15 years just seems so drastic and painful for everyone. I accidentally closed my OA because of fear, and that was the biggest mistake I made, not for me, but for MY DD. I'd hate for someone else to do the same.

I agree, perhaps semi adoption, I'm not disputing that as I previously posted, the fact remains there was an agreement of open adoption whereby the bmother in question made her adoption plan with the aparents, my point is it's inevitable to have emotions at play, IMO, as an adoptee does the aparent not have a responsibility to uphold the agreement at minimal effect, be it some form of connection? Considering that was what was agreed upon? Obviously a trying situation, but is this not doable? Yes she's three, someday she'll be thirty three, what's the harm in keeping some form of connection, honestly?

wilted - okay that makes more sense...I thought you meant to keep up the open adoption no matter what :) I do agree that a semi-open could be best...if nothing else but because one day you WILL have to answer to your child...and to be able to say "I closed off visits and direct contact, but did send picture / letters through our agency and non-directly". But maybe it will be easier to think about when things aren't so raw? I think about that when I have to respond to something rude...I have to be the bigger person because I will have to answer to my son one day. I want to be able to hold my head up high. Sadly...semi is not an option for everyone....

Unfortunately, though it would seem time is not of the essence in this particular situation, while I hope the OP will not act hastily, emotions are running high. the native americans have this saying 'not to act when the clouds are present, incidentally, I think they're a wise people. On a side note I rather to think these are complicated times for everyone involved, but when the sun sets, and you've raised your child it's not about being held in the highest esteem, but rather about being held...Regards,Rose

I have read through mom2's earlier posts and her daughter's bmom has not only refused to acknowledge that she is the mother to her daughter, but has also sent pictures of her daughter's cousins and her bio half sibs flipping the "bird". I feel like the bmom in this situation is having a hard time accepting, healing and working through placement. If you read back through posts this has been going on for over a year. I understand that she is experiencing grief, but treating her daughter's mother like she is NOT a mother is inappropriate. All that being said, I really agree that a semi open adoption, mediated through the agency would be best. I think closing it entirely would be harsh, but I am being hypacrytical if I said that because I have a closed adoption, our circumstances are different my daughter's bmom is a severe drug addict and because of that is an extreme danger to the child, but I know that if we were to meet face to face again, it would be hard. She has never acknowleged that her daughter was adopted and claims that she is with a relative and that she will get her back. If I had to deal with someone who continually negated my role as mother in my daughter's life, I think it would be hard to face on a monthly basis, which is the time it seems the OP was having conversations with her daughter's bmom. My personal thoughts are, let the situation cool down for a while, heal on both sides, amom and bmom and look at semi-open adoption as an option in the next few months. I feel in my heart that the underlying issue does stem from insecurity on both parts. Nowhere else in the world other than in adoption is anyone allowed point a finger ON BOTH SIDES and say "this is not your child". But in adoption people from all factions of life do it daily to one or the other of us at one time. The bmom who relenquishes....even though you gave birth to her, "She is not your child" to the adoptive mom, even though you are raising her "she is not your child" but the opposite is also true and in some cases I think all of us on all sides of the triad have heard something on the lines of "...is not your child/family" the grey lines in adoption are so heavily drawn that the boundaries must be clear or we would all go crazy. But that being said we must always remain empathetic to the fact that the opposite does and always will exist, "....is and always will be YOUR child/family"

I've spent about two and a half hours reading the OP's other threads, just so I could get a sense of what's really going on here. Although there seems to be an awful lot of dysfunction on the part of Dee (the bmom), I do have a couple concerns about previous comments made by Julie. In one thread, Julie stated that she planned to cut off all contact with Dee when Sarah turns 3 years old this coming December. This was posted on August 26, 2006, when Sarah was 20 months old. On December 8, 2006, right before Sarah's 2nd birthday, Dee wrote about how her husband did not think Sarah should know her bmom's name, much less see any photographs of her until Sarah becomes an adult. I thought this was an open adoption. Don't the children in open adoptions usually know their bmom's name and what she looks like? And on November 24, 2006, Julie writes about feeling "disconnected for a split second" when she noticed how much Sarah looks like her birthmother. It seems to me that the bmom's verbal conversations aren't totally responsible for "making" Julie feel that she isn't truly Sarah's mother. I just kind of wonder what type of "open" adoption was originally intended. Was it put down on paper? Were boundaries ever established on paper? Was open adoption a condition of relinquishment? Would Dee have chosen the aparents she did if the aparents didn't want open adoption? Just a lot of questions... Dee obviously feels like she can unburden her current troubles and feelings of grief onto Julie. And I know that seems unfair and uncalled for ~ adoptive parents shouldn't have to bear the emotional burdens of the birthmother. But it also seems to me that Dee probably considers Julie a friend. And most of us in the human race do share our problems with our friends. I don't know what the answer is, but I wonder if reading some books on communication techniques and self-disclosure would be helpful? Julie, I know that you've pretty much decided on closing this adoption down. You have been thru an awful lot with Dee, and I know it's been pretty traumatic for you. But I beg you to consider making it a "semi-open" relationship. It's pretty cruel to just cut Dee off totally, with no updates. You don't have to talk with her on the phone or visit her. But please consider sending her annual updates on Sarah, along with some recent photographs. The damage that is done by not even knowing if your child is alive or dead can be enormous.

Raven, very interesting about those posts. Wilted rose, as an adoptee like you, this hurts my heart too. I DO respect your voice as an adoptee and please continue speakiing here.(((hugs)))

Ok... I'm seeing a few things here. I am sure it is VERY hard to be disrespected as an adoptive parent. I know I have told my son's parents that they are his parents repeatedly, I understand how important it is to hear that. I don't know what Dee is doing outside of involving you in her drama and being in denial (which is a huge problem I agree). I can say this, it hurts tremendously to tell people that they are your child's parent repeatedly, I was only able to do it with counseling. I'm not implying that Dee has even said that once, maybe it hurts too much to acknowledge. I agree that she needs counseling to help her work through her feelings. One thing to consider too is that if you close this adoption you are closing things off from Dee's parented children as well. They have NOTHING to do with what has happened to the family as far as the adoption goes. They didn't ask for any of this to happen to them. They are probably experiencing lots of grief that they have no clue how to deal and and I'm guessing aren't getting any help with that from Dee. So there is that to consider. Now speaking as an adopted person. I would be VERY angry to think that my parents didn't hold up an agreement with my first family. Sure modifications are fine, switch it to semi open, I understand why you would want to do that, and it may definitely be for the best in this situation. I do think you need some counseling as well. Dee isn't responsible for your feelings. Sure she may contribute to them, but in the end, we alone are responsible for how we feel about a situation. You need to work on your ownership of being a parent. I know it can't be easy (first parents sometimes go through the same thing). I'm really sorry you're in this position, it must be very painful. Good luck in whatever choice you make for your family.

I realize I was not the one seeking advice here, but I wanted to say that I really appreciated all the responses (which got me to thinking about some stuff I hadn't before) -- not just the substance, but the tone of this thread has been great, imo.

Yes, thank you! I don't think anybody has been rude at all! This forum has been very insightful and for the most part helpful. But ultimately, we all live our own lives and do what we feel is best for our family. I am my daughter's biggest advocate. I would never intentionally do anything that would hurt her. I personally don't believe my daughter is or will be scarred for life by her adoption. As her parents, we do what WE feel is best for our children. When she is an adult, she can choose to have contact or not. But whatever she chooses, we stand behind her 100%. [INDENT][/INDENT]