best interest of child?

There was a time in our Brady Bunch, cross adopted family that we kids thought for sure our parents would get divorced. It didn't happen but I can say for sure I would have been better off with the parent who was NOT my bio parent. Not because of abuse or alcohol but for other reasons (and they are good ones). Regardless, one weekend every other month would NEVER have been enough - that would have really hurt. I agree with Raven on all both points...And also wonder how your daughter feels... Hopefully she will have a voice in all of this ((hugs))

As someone who has divorced and has a child by my former husband and I can only speak from my experience BUT 1) In a divorce you do have some say so in custody, you have to come to some agreement or you just don't sign the papers. I would never sign away my parental rights nor would I relinquish primary custody to my new husband...I would fight to the bitter end for custody of my own child. 2) Joint Custody is a totally falasy! It's there to make the loosing parent feel better, like they have "something". Even the judge that ruled over my divorce said in open court - joint custody means NOTHING...it should mean the parents work together but in reality it just means that the child has a primary residence with one parent and the other one gets visits...it is typically NOT 50/50 - that would be totally disruptive to a childs schedule and does not work for most parents, at least not any I know. 3) I did not suggest leaving a child in an abusive situation and walking away... My point was - how did this man suddenly get so abusive...weren't there signs a year ago when you were in the process of adopting? If not, then this is a new problem and rather than walking away and taking his child with you I'm suggesting that you get the man you married the help he needs to be the best husband, partner and father that he can be.

Joint custody is a fallacy? What are you talking about? True there are issues with a child needing a primary residence and not being split physically down the middle (obviously that notion is assinine). But that doesn't mean there isn't a legal obligation to allow for joint parenting and dividing the child's time evenly with each parent when this type of ruling is given. I have a friend who has this very situation and in fact is not even required to pay child support or anything of the sort (because it is exactly as it's stated - "joint custody"). Bottom line is if you allow someone to adopt your child then they have every right that you have as if they were there in the hospital when the child was born. And, yes, you very likely could "lose" your child to a non-bio parent (especially if you were abusive) or have joint custody granted (which some may see as a form of losing their child). I just think it's amazing how you apparently think the adoptive mother is an inferior selection for parenting and not as important as the bio father. You don't ask someone to adopt your child and then throw it in their face that they are not the real parent because you now wish to take your ball and go home. If that is how you feel then don't get divorced, don't have children, or don't ever get remarried and let someone adopt "your" child. That crap doesn't fly in court.

<<Joint Custody is a totally falasy! It's there to make the loosing parent feel better, like they have "something". Even the judge that ruled over my divorce said in open court - joint custody means NOTHING...it should mean the parents work together but in reality it just means that the child has a primary residence with one parent and the other one gets visits...it is typically NOT 50/50 - that would be totally disruptive to a childs schedule and does not work for most parents, at least not any I know.>> We have joint custody here in MA and the child's time is split 50/50. It may not be on a weekly basis or it may. One example, the child spends the school year with one parent but weekends with the other parent and then the weekend parent also has the child for the entire summer vacation. So, it did work out 50/50. It does and can happen.

I replied on March 1 but somehow it never made it, here it is agian: Mar 1 Yes. there were signs. Obviously ther were signs, but I took all the abuse he dished out for seven years so that I could have some legal rights to my stepdaughter ( now adopted). After the last incident when he threatened me with a gun ( April of 07) I decided to start telling people about his behaviour that I had kept secret for so long because I was afraid if he did kill me one day no one would know that it was him. I told his mother In August of 07 - big mistake. He took off with our daughter on Sept 12, 2007, took her out of school without my knoweledge while I was at work. When he finally returned my calls he acted as if I was overreacting "I'm just taking her to the optometrist" he said. But he was in Flagstaff and we live near Wickenburg! There is an optometrist in Wickenburg. I didn't understand what the hell he was doing but I found out the next day when I was served with divorce papers at work. I had no clue this was coming. Then he kicked me out of the house we had been living in since 2001 - it is in his mother's name so I don't have any rights to be there. He gave me 6 days "for me and my son to get out". This was the only father my son had known and he just kicked us out. I was lucky enough to find a house in this small town we live in and thought we would be able to share custody but he is doing eveything he can to get me out of our daughter's life. When I call to speak to her and he calls her to the phone he doesn't say it's mommy or your mother he refers to me by my name. She says he does that all the time when he is referring to me. I'm not mommy anymore. I should've taken my chances and took her with me but I was so afraid of him and I did'nt know where I was going to go. I had to stay in various motels until I found this house I'm in now. I was afraid he would come after me and kill me if I took her with me - I should have taken my chances because I wish I was dead now anyway. I'm out of money for a lawyer and because I left her there they say the judge is going to look at the 6 months prior to the day in court as to who has been taking care of her. Not the past 7 years where I was the one taking care of her because he was at work or once he got home too drunk to do anything. I always wondered why women stayed in abusive relationships and didn't tell anyone, now I know. You tell you lose everything. All I was looking for was some help from people that I thought were my family but I am so sorry now that I ever opened my mouth. I never called the police because we live in such a rural area that it would take them a 1/2 hr to an hour to get here. The night he pulled the gun on me I tried to call but he took the phone into the bedroom with him and I was afraid to go get it. Anyway theres nothing I can do now. He wins. Just as if he did kill me.

Losing my child~ ((((hugs)))) I know things look bleak right now, but please know that time can and does change things. He is angry. You "outed" him to people whom I am sure he pretended to be perfectly normal in front of. He doesn't think he has a problem. That doesn't mean that one day he won't see it. It may take his daughter telling him and his mother that he has a problem. We will pray that it does NOT take her getting hurt for others to see that this child needed to be in the care of others. All you can do right now is take care of you and your son so that the two of you are ready and able should your daughter ever need you as a safe haven. Your visitation with her will be the only respite she has from her father and she will need you to lean on....so be strong. You were wise to get out.....before he hurt her, you, and your son. You are doing what you can to remove her from the situation but it is ultimately in the judge's hands (and God's). You made the right decision and can't look back.......only forward. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time. Kim

I really am truly sorry you are going through this, divorce is never easy - I should know Ive done it twice! But at the same time you have just confirm what I initially suspected was true...you knew there was a problem, let it fester for years and used adoption to gain legal rights over a child as if she were a position. And thatҒs what bugged me about this situation from the very get go. IMO: Adoption should not be used as a weapon or a tool of manipulation. Unfortunately I feel as though this is exactly what you did. This adoption was not a loving act to create a new family...you used adoption as a legal maneuver in hopes of getting a child away from her biological parent. plain and simple! Sorry it came back to bite you

Gee Ms. Hoot~ For the life of me, I cannot see WHY you have been divorced twice. Wait, maybe I do see why. You tend to kick people when they're down. Do you somehow feel better? Kim

Reply to Mrs. Hoot- Wow, I can't believe you see it that way. Do you always assume the worst about people? It's not like that at all. I didn't let anything fester for years - I could've left many times but how do you just walk away from a child that you love?? I couldn't and I knew that if I did not adopt her he would never let me see her again because step-parents don't have any legal rights to visitation. I never adopted her with any intentions of anything except to be her mother and to be there for her always even if the marriage ended, which I wouldn't be able to do if I were just a step-parent. At least I have visitation rights, sure I wish she could live with me full time because I am afraid for her living alone with him, but visitation rights are better than no rights. And I am right down the street from her (walking distance) if anything ever happens and she knows she can come to me if she is ever afraid. I am hurt and offended by your accusations but I know (and God knows) the reality of the situation. And I also know that it is what's in a persons heart that matters most not what is running through their veins.

Dear xxsurroundedbyxy- Thank you for your kind words. I do know that ultimately it is in God's hands as is everything. And I also know that time does heal all wounds (I know that in my brain, even though right now, my heart feels differently). And, yes your also right about him being mad because he was "outed" but eventually people will know the truth (most of his family does already except of course his mother) and as I said before visitation rights are better than no rights at all. I know I need to move forward and I'm trying to do that. All I can do now is let my daughter know that I am here for her always and that she will always have a safe home here with me. Thank you again for your kindness at a very low point in my life, your family is lucky to have you.

Your are your daughter's mother. - Fight for her!

mrshoot From what I can see this adoption WAS a loving act. Even if it was to save her daughter. I do not know where you got the legal manouver stuff from. I can not see losingmychild using adoption as a tool at all. You made that part up. As an adoptive mom I can tell you right now that that is her daughter. It does not matter how the adoption came about. One more thing. I share custody of my son 50/50.

Hey Hoot. We get it, okay. You just appear to me as bitter and angry about adoption. I'm sure if we dug into your history we'd find that you suffered some loss via adoption and you want to take it out on all of us by letting us know how wrong adoption is. Blah, blah, blah. We've heard that story so many times before here, it's boring and old.Stop spewing your hate and move along. As a woman who worked as a counselor in abusive homes, I can tell you that it can be very hard to get up and leave. Especially, when there are children involved. This woman clearly loves her child because she adopted her, wants to be with her, wants to protect her. What kind of person goes on to a forum and has a problem with that? To the original poster: YOU ARE HER MOTHER! Fight, baby. Fight with everything you have.

Do NOT listen to this person!! You have adopted this child, therefore you ARE her MOTHER!! Blood may be thicker than water, but LOVE is thicker than blood!!!Fight FIGHT FIGHT!!!! do NOT give up!! I think your ex, and the atty's not giving you any custody is an atrocity, and deceitful, find another atty!! Fire this dud on the spot! BEST of luck to you!! I'll keep you in my prayers!:battle:

Most Counties have a "Legal Aid" service. Check your phone book. My husband has "Joint-custody", he gets his boys on Tuesday 4-8, Thursday 4-8 and every other weekend. ATTORNEY'S WILL ALWAYS TRY AND GET YOU TO AGREE SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO PREPARE FOR TRIAL. SEEING THE JUDGE IS YOUR RIGHT!! IF HE DOESN'T SEE YOU, OR HEAR FROM "YOU" HOW CAN HE MAKE A EDUCATED OPINION? I have A LOT of experience with lawyers, and also working for one about 5 years. Most of them are more worried about getting a retainer fee, than they are about your "Problem"! Remember HE WORKS FOR "YOU"!! If you want to see the Judge and explain to "HIM" why you should be awarded joint-custody, THAT IS YOUR RIGHT!! Good luck!