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Hi, We have 3 birth children and have been considering adding to our family for a long time. We researched it about 5 years ago and went to a class offered through the Lutheran Service Society. We had decided we didn't know enough about how the children would be emotionally and were worried about bringing, for lack of a better term, a hurt child into our children's lives. We had our 3rd bio child after that and still feel the need to adopt. It seems like there are more AA children in need of placement or at least, in our area perhaps they're harder to place. We've spent a long time thinking about this and read tons of books and we feel comfortable with adopting outside our race (we're caucasian). We'd like to adopt a girl about 8 years old and possibly a baby boy. We're worried about the scary stories we've heard though. Are all of the children suffering from attachment disorders? Is it possible to find a girl who would bond with us and join our family? Is the age we're looking for realistic for us? And then should we adopt or foster adopt? And do we go through Lutheran Service Society (any contact with them has been good) or though our local CYS? I'm sure one's better than the other for the ages we're considering, but I don't know which. Also, we own our house and have a lot love but we are normal people who live paycheck to paycheck. I stay at home with the kids and my DH works full time. Would that hurt our chances of qualifying? Do they do a credit check and would less than stellar credit hurt our chances? Our bills are all paid but we'd had some tax problems in the past from freelance work that we're paying on. Also, we have 4 bedrooms all occupied by our birth children now. Would that hurt us? Are adopted kids allowed to share a room with a bio kid or do they have to have their own? Since we've started talking about possibly adopting, our daughter is begging for a sister and we've had long talks with her about how that would mean sharing her room and life.
We've been struggling with the desire to adopt but fear of the process for years.I think we're also afraid to apply and get turned down because of finances or housing or because we already have 3 kids. Any insight would be appreciated.
Can you tell we have lots of questions? :arrow:
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Hi Kittyk13.... Hopefully I can help answer some of your questions, but most likely will just give you some information that will lead to more questions. You mentioned Lutheran Services in your post... I don't think we can post informationon specific agencies, so I will email you. Where I am Lutheran Services is now Diakon. We have had 2 foster placements (a boy age 7, and sisters ages 11 and 12) and have done a straight adoption from foster care (a boy age 11). I will tell you that you will hear a lot of scary stories, but there are definitely many successful and not so scary ones! Even going through training they warn you and give you all kinds of various stories... it does kind of scare you, but it also helps to prepare you, because many times, no one really has a clear picture of just what a child's issues may really be. I think we hear of the scary stories, because that is where people learn the most lessons. Our sister placement and our adoption are definitely good stories. We have not had any serious behaviors in any way. First, most kids will have some type of attachment issue... it is a spectrum, and each kids falls somewhere on the scale. Think about when you have broken up from a serious relationship or lost a good or close friend or loved one.... sometimes that effects how you will form another relationship with a person of a similar type (ie. boyfriend, best friend). With the kids its the same thing. Sometimes it takes kids a long time to attach and bond, and sometimes it just takes time, trust, love, etc. As for finances, they will ask you to complete a sheet, listing your income, debts, and monthly bills. All its purpose is, is to make sure you aren't looking for the stipend to cover your normal/monthly bills. That you are sufficient and the stipend really will be used to supplement the additional cost of the kids placed with you to support them. They didn't do a credit check on us, they just had this informal sheet we completed. I don't know how old your children are. A good rule of thumb is to only accept children YOUNGER than your youngest child. This helps to maintain birth order of your original family and to protect your children. Some of these kids have seen, witnessed and participated in things your kids have not.... you want your kids older for their own safety. In addition, you may want your bio kids sharing rooms and think about the foster children having their own room. They may have sleeping issues or be on a different routine/schedule and it will be less disruptive to your bio kids. Foster kids CAN share rooms with bio... its just my suggestion. The younger the kids you are prefering, the more I'd suggest fost to adopt. I know in my area, we have both Caucasion kids and AA kids, from infancy to teens available under fost to adopt. Most straight adoption seems to be 7 and older, and mainly boys. Im in Dauphin County. With the agency we work with, they place children from several surrounding counties. If we went with the local CYS, we'd only be referred children in our county. Additionally, the agency offers a 24/7 hotline for after hours help and is definitely a big help in trying to get services for the kids. They return phone calls/emails much, much quicker than CYS. I think the agency has less kids per caseworker than the county. Although, going through the agency, you have two caseworkers to work with, b/c the county is still involved. Our agency caseworker also helped provide transportation for appointments, visitations, etc. I think with county you get an extra dollar or two a day in stipend, but for me the agency as a middle man is worth the dollar or two less. Most places aren't looking for a reason to turn you down. I also think if you are a stay at home mom, they will really like that. For me, (and many other families), we only take school age kids, b/c the wait for an approved/listed day care facility to get kids enrolled (and paid for by the state/county) is a four month wait list (at least in my area). Your finances and housing (bedroosm) do not seem a reason to be turned down. Also, if you are that concerned, many agencies have a recruiting person that holds an information night. Contact the agency and attend the information night. They may be able to answer most of your questions right there. They don't usually do the homestudy until after you have completed all the training requirements...so they aren't going to want to waste your time and theirs if they will just turn you down. Please feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to answer any other questions. Good luck in your decision.... edited to add: I wanted to mention we did have a "scary" placement. The first boy we had (age 7), which was a fost to adopt placement (with a high likely hood we'd be adopting), ended up having to be admitted to the children's psych unit for 2 weeks. With all his recent moves (not all due to his issues), he just couldn't stabilize in our family/home. We experienced a lot of acting out and tantrums. No one predicted he would do this and he didn't show any of these behaviors in previous homes. Anyway, I didn't want it to seem like it was all peaches and cream, b/c we did have a placement that just wasn't right. But after he was released he did go to a home that was advised of his needs and he has been there for over a year now. You and your caseworker that does the homestudy will go through and document the types of needs you and your family are willing to take. Keep in mind though, that no matter what your preferences are, you may get calls for children outside of that. We asked for 1 or 2, ages 5-12, Caucasion or Hispanice. We received a call about a 6 week old AA boy. It's hard to say no when you get the call, but you need to do what is right for your family.
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Thank you for your post it's actually very helpful. I wouldn't want to limit to kids just in our county when we're so close to another county (and hubby works in another county) so I think I should maybe not choose CYS. I thought maybe you had to go through a cys department to foster adopt. Our kids are 13,8 and 4. I'll pm you. Sorry if I shouldn't have mentioned the agency at all, we have no comments about them except we talked to them once. Thanks again!
I know it might sound simple, but if you are spiritual at all, I think if you pray on it while you do some research, you'll get where you need to be.
I had foster/adoption calling on my heart/mind for a long time. We finally did it, I so wish I had "listened" to my heart earlier and pushed forward. I think every area is different as to whether to go thru your local agency or another agency or whatever agency. Do some research and go w/ your heart.
We have a wonderful little girl that is the absolute greatest joy and blessing of our lives. Does she have some baggage? yes? Don't we all? She got hers a little early. But she is the greatest joy of our lives and she is flourishing so beautifully. And she makes us smile daily alot! I truly believe it was a divine calling and that God put this little blessing in our lives. I view it no different than God placing a life in a womb than him placing her in our home.
You do need to consider your family/household as a whole and recognize that this child may need A LOT more attention than your bio children for awhile. And that you will fall in love this child, you will forget the color of their skin (but your surrounding world might not), and you will have issues and "things" to deal with but that you will love this as much as you love getting puked on, sneezed on, pooped on, kissed and hugged etc., by the children you have now.
It is so helpful to hear about the experiences of others, as I am new to the process. I am also new to the whole idea of using a forum, so I am not totally sure how it works. I am almost approved for f/c. We had our home visit, and my husband's FBI clearance, and the social worker said mine would be in this week! I just found out that my fingerprints were rejected, and now I have to get them re-done. I thought we would be open by now. We did our classes in October, and right as we were finishing everything, some additional laws were passed. We were required to get FBI clearances, and some clearances for our 14 yr. old daughter. I am a little dissappointed, but I believe that everything has a purpose!
We have four bio kids - ages 6-15. We are open to 1 or 2 kids under 2. Does anyone have any info or experience with younger kids having drug/alcohol issues? This is a whole new world for me, and I want to be as prepared as possible. I guess I am nervous about taking on children with severe issues, and with fc you only get a little info, and not much time to decide. Any thoughts would be welcome!