Any thoughts on when child is conceived during rape?

IMO, some things are best left unsaid. There is no need to tell someone that type of detail

I agree, but then I'm at a loss to actually say if asked the "why" of her bmom's adoption plan. And, it's in her paperwork, which she will inherit when she's old enough (or when we die if she's never interested), unless I burn it.

I'm an adult adoptee. In my opinion, trying to "fudge the truth" or getting rid of paperwork usually catches up with you and the truth has a way of coming out eventually. Although, her beginnings were not a fairy tale, it is important that you give her the skills to deal with the facts before they are thrown in her face. Her bdad may leave a lot to be desired, but her bmom was extremely courageous and giving when she could have taken an easier way out. Obviously it isn't something that you would tell her from the very beginning but I'm sure with enough thought you can find a way to ease into it slowly. Emphasising the gift from her bmom. Good luck!

There is a great book called "Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child" by Betsy Keifer and Jayne Schooler. It is best to tell the child the truth in an age appropriate manner. This book helps you do that. The truth always comes out. Better they hear it from you than for some cold papers they find.

I agree with bromanchik~ But think of the blessing that came out of this terrible act. There was always the alternative, but she chose life~ and in that is honor and courage on behalf the sanctity of life. You will know when the time is right. Just be sensitive to your timing as it will one day approach and seek wise council. D

My son was conceived thru rape. It was actually a topic that came up while I was seeing a therapist. Mostly because I want to protect him, but not lie to him. She said that it was important not to lie, but rather approach it in the manner of regardless of HOW he came to be, it is important that he DID come to be because our life would not be complete without him. It is important to focus less on the act of rape than the miracle that resulted. Everything needs to be age appropriate as well.

Adopting Again, I am in the "strange" situation where DD's birth mom said she wanted to place her because she had been raped. It is all over our adoption paperwork. As it turns out (thru DNA testing) DD's birth mom's husband is actually DD's birth dad so DD was not conceived as a result of rape. I asked the agency if they would remove the "rape" references from their paperwork (DD's birth mom wants this as well) but they refused. I don't know exactly what to tell DD...Her birth mom had a traumatic pg because she believed DD was conceived as the result of the rape. (DD's birth parents also have an older (and now younger) DD. I am not sure how to "deal" with this either. Sometimes, I think for younger kids just saying "simple" stuff is easier...like "your birth mom did not feel able to parent you at that time." I worry about how to deal with this issue when DD is like 13-and older. I have heard adult adoptees say they wish they NEVER knew about the rape. Others have said the truth is always best. My own mantra is that the truth is always best too, but what do I know? Good luck! I know it is not easy.

I was very interested to find this thread. I have a son (soon to be adopted -hopefully finalized in September) who has been with me since he was 9. He is now 12. He is a "child of rape" (I keep trying to find other phrases than that somewhat melodramatic one :) ). Unfortunately his bio mom was very open (to my mind a little TOO open) with him and he came to me already knowing that. So far we have not really had to deal with much fallout... not knowing anything about his bio father (other than ethnicity) can be tough but we share a house with my dad and my bio son's dad (same ethnicity as FS) is involved and so my FS spends time with him too and I think does not feel completely bereft at the lack of a "real dad". I feel that one thing we will have to deal with (please, God, later rather than sooner! LOL) will be his relationships with girls (women). Will he feel that his bio father's rape of his bio mom may effect how he (FS) treats women? He is an awesome kid, very respectful, good hearted, etc. It is just things that I think about that we will have to process with him (we have had a therapist since he and his sister were placed with me, so we have help. I also think that since he has known about it for so long, I don't think that he has really thought it through, processsed it, or even realizes just what it entailed. I feel I am kind of rambling, I hope some of this made sense :) It is something that crosses my mind often and I want to make sure we are prepared to deal with it when the time comes.

I think the time to start is now. By the age of twelve kids have crushes on each other. I see this "going out" (they often ask someone to "go out" with them even if they don't "go" anywhere.) as practice for the real thing. Now is the time to start talking about how to treat girls and women. And please know that kids are becoming sexually active at younger ages. Many middle schools are having problems with oral sex, 13 year olds are getting pregnant, etc. Talk to him about what a healthy relationship is. Use your own relationship as an example, and remember, they are always watching how you treat each other. One other thing. When talking about his birthfather, frame it in choices made. He made choices that your son does not have to repeat, that it is not genetic. There are kids who are scared that it is something passed on.

Was she raped by someone else and thought the rapist was the father? Could she have been raped by her husband?

brenda, definitely not dd's birth dad, but someone else. dd's birth mom gave the agency very little info about it. she has alluded to it with me, but obviously I don't press for details. any advice ...i feel it is still part of dd's story (especially when she may wonder why she was placed and her two sibs were not)?buttascotch, it sounds like you are thinking it thru carefully...not easy stuff...i definitely like the choices discussion brenda talked about.

Brenda, thank you so much for the advice and comments. I apologize for not being clearer. We DO talk about how to treat women and what are appropriate relationships, respect, etc. When he first came to me (at 9) he would talk about having "girlfriends", I said "Oh, no you don't! Not at 9 year old, you don't have a girlfriend!". We talk about at what age they can officially be "dating", but of course I know stuff still goes on. He is basically a very respectful, good kid. He is smart enough to see that the abusive, co dependent relationshiops his bio mom modeled for him were not positive things. Although I am not married (or in a relationship at this time) I am still able to teach him that. I am more concerned about talking to him, making the correlation between how he came to be and how he may treat women in the future, when there is potentially more depth to a relationship than what a 12 y.o. has. Right now, I believe, and I may be just being naive :) the "relationships" are much more superficial. But thank you for making me think :) I really need to be prepared, so I may start talking to his therapist a little more about it and see what she thinks.

Thank you for this resource! Both our kiddos have difficult stories (although different from the OP story)to tell and DH and I feel like we are in constant dialog about how and when and how much and all that. We want to be truthful and feel that our kids deserve and will demand the whole truth and we refuse to consider "fudging" or withholding, but also want to be able to speak of it all in a way that is the least hurtful to our kids, and in a way that they can understand and hopefully, to continue to honor their other parents and respect their place in the lives of our children. Thank you.

One thing to consider is that the Bible is filled with stories of man intending something for evil and God intending it for good. Jesus was killed by the jews and God purposed it to save generations and generations of His people, for example. Pray and seek godly counsel for when the time comes. It may never come...