Haitian-American Adoptee-found out when I was 20 y/o

I'm a Haitian-American raised by Haitian parents in NY. I always knew that I was different from my family and though that my mom was my wicked step mother . . .b/c she basically locked my up in the house 24/7, away from my friends and cousins. My parents were upper middle class Haitian healthcare professionals in the U.S., so image was huge in our household. My dad worked 14 hr days (b/c he and mom always argued so he wanted to be out of the house as much as possible) and my mom worked 8-10 hrs, so they hired a nanny, a "bonne", from Haiti, to take care of me. They were VERYoverprotective of me, never allowing me to visit my friends, attend sleep overs, play with the kids in the neighborhood . . . when I wasn't in school, I literally stayed in my room all day long, either watching television, playing games by myself, or looking out the window while other kids played. I did get to play in my backyard whenever 2 of myneighborhood friends felt bad, and would come over. I wasn't even allowed to sleep over my cousins' houses either, and I didn't understand why until I got older. They were allowed to sleep over mine, but they rarely did b/c of how strict my parents were, especially my mom. I got poor grades in school because it was the only chance I got to socialize, so that's all I did there. I was friends with EVERYONE b/c I NEEDED the attn and I NEEDED to be liked. My parents . . . were cold. Seriously, I can't even describe to you how bad it was, what it was like to live w/out emotion. They didn't show affection towards each other, or myself. My mom constantly gave my nanny "orders" and treated her poorly. I never got hugged, kissed, or given an endearing name unless it was the annual family reunion at Christmas which my mom always hosted. She'd buy flowers and write a poem, which she'd make me read to my parents, in front of everyone as if I wrote it, then make me present them the flowers. We each lived in one room of the house so I lived in mine, my dad in the living rm, and my mom the master bedrm . . . we barely talked. It was like being in solitary confinement. During my adolescence, tension btwn my mom and I got worse; she insulted me repeatedly because my hips were beginning to grow, telling me I needed to walk in a way so I wasn't swaying my hips too much. I was always sad, crying, argueing with my parents about the limited freedom I had to LIVE. The day of my driving test, she took the keys to all three cars and left the house driving the one car I had been practicing (with my dad) in. I never got a copy of the keys to the house. And the little enjoyment I got from talking to my friends on the phone was always cut short by my mom listening to my phone calls, or she would pull the plug from the jack. And the few times I tried to stay in touch with my friends over the summer via snail mail, she would read my mail and not give it to me or when I'd give her mail to mail out for me (b/c I wasn't allowed to go to the post office) she wouldn't send them. When we went out to family gatherings, she would always grab me by the 4arm to "remind" me to watch how I ate, how I sat, or how I engaged with my cousins. She controlled everything I did. I didn't find out I was adopted until I was 20 y/o. My mom had taken my high school diploma b/c she said that I owed it to her since she put me in the best school, and I was looking for it in her room. I found the diploma . . .and under it found my adoption papers . . . I felt like dying. In french, it stated that I was a baby of feminine sex born to unknown parents. How could my birth parents be "unknown"? I obviously came from SOME womans' womb, how could the MDs or nurses write "unknown"?? I felt soo alone. I fell to the floor. And just cried. It was soooo traumatic! I called my boyfriend at the time (who's now my husband) and I snuck out to see him at the park by my house. I was relieved that the papers confirmed/explained why I always felt diff't, and that my mom wasn't me real mom. Now I felt there was this other world, where I potentially belonged to ANOTHER family. WOW! I was angry, hurt, and sad about the huge lie . . .about ME. Whoah. You know, the number of family trees, and autobiographies that I did in school, and everytime I would talk to my parents, my mom lied and fabricated a story that I was born in NY! She even gave me the name of the hospital, and even told me how she came up with my name! Then I understood why she kept such an eye on me, to prevent me from finding out from any family member that I was adopted. :O( I w8ed a few mos before telling my parents that i knew - I went back to school, I was dorming out of state, and almost failed all of my classes, slept in, and cried everyday. I told my dad first , and he didn't hug me or anything but continued to watch the basketball game on tv and told me that he was sorry I found out the way I did, but that he wanted to tell me sooner but my (adoptive) mom was never ready. He told me he didn't know anything about my birth relatives b/c my mom and my god-mother (who lives in Haiti, and I've learned is "god-mother" to at least 10 other ppl, and has been arranging adoptions in Haiti) arranged my adoption. When I talked to my mom, she told me that I was such an ingrate, that if it wasn't for her I would be a "restavec" (child of the street in haiti). And just when I thought there wasn't a deeper, darker, sadder, more alone existence in my soul... That day, I lost all the little emotion that I had left in my being . . .what made me a caring friend, a happy girlfriend, the socializing girl I tried so hard to be. Where am I on my search timeline? I'm reading adoption healing selfhelp books. I've tried to contact the Haitian national archives and haven't gotten a response (yet?). My godmother from Haiti (after several persistent requests) sent me a bogus handwritten list of women she claimed gave birth at the hospital on the day I was born. And I finally had enough courage to ask my dad to go to the national archives in person, since he's currently visiting Haiti. Thanks for reading. This whole concept of adoptee support online is still new to me, but making me feel sooo much better. If you have any words of encouragement or resources to share, i would really appreciate it!