Advertisements
I have an unusual set of circumstances for which I am hoping someone can offer some thoughts. My husband was married and separated before we met. The result of that marriage was 1 son. He is now 16. He was born 4 months after they were separated. He was 2 when I met him. My husband's reasons for leaving were her constant drinking, being terminated from any position she held where money was in her control for stealing, etc. During the course of time, he had visitation, but because his son was so young, his attorney discouraged that he would get custody for a long time. So he did not seek it. We subsequently married and have 3 children. When our son was about 1 she got married. This man seemed to be a stable and supportive influence, which seemed to be desperately needed. After they were expecting their daughter (now 9) my husband and her husband discussed her husband adopting my husband's son. The reasoning being it would give both households some stability. It, hopefully, would allow the mother the opportunity to heal (my husband was her 2nd husband - and she also had a daughter from the 1st marriage.) Anyhow - I don't think any of this has happened. We used to have some contact with my husband's son, which his mother knew about. One day she flipped out, and we have not had any contact since. Now he is 16. He has come around. Yesterday, he told me the only time he was ever able to be a kid was when he was with me and my family (we were very close). He told me his mom drinks and gambles all the time. He told me his parents hate each other. And - he desperately wants to come live with us. I have no idea what to do. I know he cannot do that. I do not want to condone lying to his parents. He told me his dad knows he talks to us, but his mother does not because she freaks out. My husband and I are Ozzie and Harriet compared to the life he leads. I will never deny him, and always welcome him, but our children are small (10, 8, 2), and I just don't know what to do for all of them - him included. Any thoughts are appreciated.
Like
Share
Advertisements
My husband did give up his legal rights. I'm with you on the *** - I think we are basically, from a legal standpoint, but how do you turn your back on a kid that tells you the best time in his whole life was when he was with me and my family (meaning my parents and brothers - I am the stepmom)? It's so hard. I basically told him he is welcome to be as much a member of our family as he wants to be once he is 18. He said he doesn't want to loose 2 years of his life and has talked to his dad (his stepfather that adopted him - I am only stating it like that for clarification) about living with us. UGH:grr: :grr: I know from all legal standpoints - minus him having himself emancipated - which is not going to be my suggestion, I am done for. It is just so tricky to be in this situation.
Josh's mom, I would remember as well that 16 is often a difficult time for teens. My (raised) kids would love to have had someone to move in with at that age. In addition, we occasionally had a friend of my daughter's staying with us because of conflict at home. It's a rough age for many children. (Parents of my daughter's friends used to tell me what a lovely girl she was -- trust me, she wasn't at home.)
No Kathy - you are totally right. I remember 16 - it wasn't that long ago:eyebrows: . I just feel badly being in this place. Every teenager would like to have someplace to run, I would imagine. If someone would have swooped down on me at 16 and said, I am your real family - come with me, my bags would have been packed in a minute. I just feel bad because in this situation, we thought we were allowing there to become some stability by removing us from the picture, but nothing about her has changed. Now this poor child is dealing with the stuff about her we did not want to deal with (the alcoholism, gambling addiction, stealing, etc). You know it's out there, but it is so hard to watch when you know the players.
Advertisements
I hear you. D actually did move out and in with friends from what I understand when he was that age. There was apparently a lot of conflict between him and his dad but not for the reasons you are discussing. They are fine now, but I gather it was rough for a while. No real answers other than to talk to his (a) Dad. As I said, there were times when we had teens stay with us, in the one's case because of the breakup of her parents' marriage.