Help!!!

This says a lot of good about you that you came here and posted this...I am very proud of you! My finacee' did the same thing as you--her post is a few down titled, "I want to comfort him...". It meant so much to me....that she actually DID love me! You have to tell him that you are there and love him. Make him aware of all the problems with adoption. Just help him out and be understanding.

hi Maddie : check out adoptioncrossroads.org - they have a chat every night at 11pm (ET) that is run by a therapist AND adoptee - he would agree with you on your thoughtst That i've read here by you so far - best, Fallen Child- and good luck

first, your boyfriend is really lucky to have someone like you that cares about him so much (obviously). I am also an adult adoptee, and I have a couple of things to say, but not an absolute answer. It's very hard to make someone do something they don't want to do or are not ready to do. I think it's great that you mention to him his options, such as forging a better relationship with a-family, maybe trying to locate b-mom, etc. Maybe you could suggest counseling - and I would suggest he go to someone who specializes in adoption issues, maybe even a therapist who is an adoptee. I've been to counselors who know nothing about adoption, or at least about closed adoption and adoptees, and it can sometimes make you feel worse, not better, if they are sort of faking their way thru it and saying really obvious and cliche type things. I am curious to know what you said to him that hurt his feelings - sometimes I feel sort of offended by some statements, but I can't really think of any right now. Hope this helps Ann

I am an adult adoptee as well. the good thing is that he has someone like you around for him. Someone who cares about him and his well being. Be careful not to push or try to force yourself into his situation or to meddle.My wife of 25+ years used to try that with me. She finally came to the realization that my adoption was not any of her business regardless of whether or not she is my wife. She has always been very jealous of that closed part of my life that I would not share. I do allow her to be involved in my search to a point, but it is still the part of my life that I chose to deal with alone. When I talk to her about it, it is for her benefit, not mine. I only mention my wifes involvement because it became a point of ire and contention.I think that male adoptees tend to lash out and be more angry about being adopted. That is not to say that women don't suffer as much, it is just handled differently.Go slow with him and don't rush anything. Just my opinion for what it is worth.

I agree that his being adopted is a very personal thing. It is a subject that should be brought up only by him. There are many adoptees out there who truly do not want to search and that's ok. That is a choice that every person must make for him/herself. It's wonderful that you are there to listen to him and offer your support. But you cannot make decisions for him - that is his responsibility. Also, I must say that in your post you wrote that he "can be" and amazing person. You sound rather young and that statement reminds me of myself. My ex-husband could have been an amazing person too. I loved him so much and thought that it was my job to fix his flaws and change him. Boy was I wrong. It is impossible to change anyone, no matter how much potential you see in someone or how much you love them and want to help. You need to look out for yourself. No one should be with someone because they love them and want to solve all of their problems. When you choose a partner, you should choose someone that you not only love, but someone you love yourself more because of...does that make sense? Try to step back and think about how he treats you. Your focus should be on yourself as well as him. Let him make his own decisions and be a good listener. See him for who he is, not so much of who he "can be". Suggestions are great, but the decisions are for him to make.

I'm an adult adoptee also. The fear of abandonment doesn't go away without counseling. I tried to work through that on my own and wasn't able to. :) GOOD LUCK

I have been in and out of counseling...I have a major fear of abondament and all that is entails. I am recently married and my wife is my world, my soul mate--she is really something else--She has been helping me with my fears and problems. It is def a long, hard journey to fix everything. I am still on it, and I stumble A LOT! But that is okay...you gotta try. You gotta live your life--because if it passes you by, you will really regret it one day... Thanks to my wife, I have found that writing affirmations helps. That is where you write down all the things you want in your life--good things. Then make those things into statements--like, "I am a good person", "I trust the people in my life"...etc... And I have been going for 1 hour to 2 hour walks with my Ipod---good **** man--it all helps.... And something I hav been learning more and more---NO ONE is over you or has to keep you down---NO ONES words or actions twoards you has to have you live in fear or sadness---YOU are the person that keeps yourself in a bad place or bad time--SO YOU can break out at any time! ! ! No one says you gotta be in a bad mood and stay there! ! ! I hope someone can get some hope! Peace everyone! Tony

Maddie, I have to admit, your situation is eerily similar to mine. I am an adult adoptee in my early thirties. I have had much difficulty connecting with others throughout my entire life. This has had a tremendous impact on the relationship I have with my wife. There have been many times when my inability to bond has caused strife between us. But I am extremely fortunate that she has the patience that she does. In addition, my adoptive family was not very supportive of my feelings about my adoption and very rarely discussed it. My relationship with them has always been a distant one. I might hear from them once every couple of months, or maybe just the holidays. If you're still wondering how you should "handle" your significant other's adoption, then I recommend to constantly let him know how much you care and to trust his ability to take care of himself. I think one thing that makes it difficult for me to connect with others is an almost undying need to prove that I can protect myself. I am very, very reluctant to ask for help, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I believe there is a part of me, so deep that I can't see it, that is constantly telling me that I can't trust anyone because the one person I was supposed to be able to trust unconditionally let me down. And it is very difficult to see past that. I did not come from a "wealthy" family - both of my parents had to work, but they provided very well for myself and my sister. So, while I was not raised on "silver spoons", I was certainly not poor. However, for all of their intelligence, my adoptive parents never seemed to understand that I needed to grieve, nor did they ever seem to understand that grieving was the healthiest thing I could do. Instead, there was a subtle feeling that I was to blame for the family's unhappiness. Because I was angry and anti-social so much, those negative feelings spread and brought down everyone else in the family. That sense of guilt has made it very difficult for me to accept the feelings of anger I've had towards my adoptive parents. Fortunately, I've recently come to realize that dynamic, and I've come to realize that my anger is "normal", healthy, and necessary. From your description, it sounds like your significant other is feeling angry, guilty, and confused. All of those feelings are ok. In fact, whatever he is feeling is ok. It's his actions for which he needs to take responsibility. I refuse to accept the "blame" for what my family went through when I was living with them. I refuse to accept that their reactions to me were my fault. I never controlled them. It was always their choice to react and behave in the way that they did, even if they didn't know they had that control. Just like it is now in my control how I react to and behave with my wife. You are absolutely correct that he needs to overcome his issues in order to "maintain the healthy relationship he deserves". Not only does he deserve it, but so do you. I think it's absolutely wonderful that you can see past his insecurities and see the "real" him. From your description, it seems like he was missing that before he met you, that nobody in his life could see past the pain and anger, his or theirs. That is one of the first steps towards healing these wounds. If he isn't already, then having you around him will eventually convince him that he is worth having what he truly wants - an honest, real, and emotional relationship with you. Your willingness to be around him "despite" his issues will help to show him that his issues don't define him, that there is more to him that just being adopted. I think the best thing that you can do is to continue to love and support him, just like you have. On top of that, if you want to help even more, ask him what you can do to help and do your best to do it. If he can't tell you what you can do to help, then I recommend that you continue researching adoption and how it affects personal relationships in adults (i.e. bonding and attachment). Understanding this will, I believe, help you to understand his pain a little more. I've had a very difficult time explaining my feelings and experiences to my wife. And that has absolutely caused problems in our relationship. What has helped me to explain myself better is to understand that she comes from a completely different mindset than I do in regards to opening up. Plus, she has proven over and over again that she only wants to help. If my parents had known what my wife and I know now about the affects of adoption, I think my relationship with my parents would be very different. There is nothing you can do to make him feel secure. His feelings of security are up to him. You can do things to help him understand and believe that you won't hurt him. But, ultimately, his feelings are controlled only by him. You will never be able to "make" him feel what you want him to feel. If you are secure with your feelings for him, shower him with your love. Whether he admits it or not, he needs love and probably secretly wishes for it. I know I had secret wishes for it for a very long time. In fact, my wishes were so secret, I couldn't even admit them to myself. If you want to know what NOT to do, don't ever judge him because of his fear, don't ever assume that you can protect his emotions better than he can, and most importantly, don't ever blame him the pain he has. But, from what you've written, you don't need to be told what not to do. I hope you get the chance to see him come out of his shell.

I have to agree with most of the post. There are a few things that I feel are vitally important....you mention he is drinking,how excessive is it? You mention his feelings of abandonment, but yet you say , you may or may not be there always. I feel that these issues need to be dealt with, especially if drinking is used to numb feelings....IMMEDIATE COUSELING! If, GOD forbid, down the road you choose to no longer be with him, this could be the preverbial" straw that breaks the camels back". If there are any adoption counselors in your area you might offer to help him, maybe even attend one with him,...JMHO-, he will definately need all the help and support he can get, especially since his family life is not structurally sound...not to mention his amom being a drinker also. Maybe one day when he heals and understands the why's and how comes, he will then be ready for his search...but not until he heals himself. You are such a sweetheart, just be there ......:grouphug:

I think the most important thing you can do right now is to continue to give him your love and support. He'll start to see that you are there for him and he'll start opening up. I know that you may feel that you've done everything but the reality is you can only do your best and he's going to have to see it one way or another. Then main thing is DON'T give up on him. He feels pain right now because everyone he loved has given up on him or just plain don't care. Now, I can't speak for his family whether they care or not, that's their issue. And that's what you've got to keep telling yourself. "It's their issue not mine, he's my boyfriend/fiancee, and I'm going to do what I can to help him through this". The main thing about adoptive children even if they were adopted at a young age, they just need reassurance. As long as you stay by his side then he's going to know that, that's enough. Hope this helps. :happydance:

dastanis1, wow you have some great insight I think we can all benefit from. Thanks for sharing..

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