Need Suggestions: Still feel older and "different" than other families

I wonder if it has to do with where you live or what groups you join? I live in central NJ, which has a very high population density. I am also in an adoption support group. I am an adoptive mom and i am 36, but my dh is ten years older than I am. He is turning 47 in two months. My adopted dd will be turning 3 in two months also. Two of my friends that are adoptive moms are older as well. One is now 49 with a 3 yr. old whom she adopted from her second marriage(she has a 17 yr old bio from her first marriage). My other friend has one adopted son who just turned two and she is around 46 yrs. I wonder if you joined some adoption support/networking groups in your area if you would meet some "older" parents. Often folks who are a bit older come to adoption because they try to conceive a little later in life, then it doesnt happen, then they go through fertility clinics, then it doesnt happen, and then they end up adopting. So I would assume a decent number of adoptive parents are a bit older than the norm. I wish you the best. Amy K, NJ

Oh yes this is a fantastic thread for I am 54 with a daughter that is my bio-child and nobody has ever asked me if I am her grandfather, and heck fire I look like the eyes of age, and my daughter is 10 years old. bprice215

Thanks for your comments. I particularly liked your suggestion about having the private conversation about your daughter's adoptions to the person you didn't see eye to eye. Generally comments don't bother me unless Lucas is right there and hearing every word. The comment I still hate is his "real parents."

Thanks for your helpful comments!

Thanks for sharing your perspective and great advice!

I think it does depend on the area. When I was in the Twin Cities (grew up in Bloomington, MN) we had quite a few friends that had adopted older like us (for the same reasons - infertility) and there were quite a few support groups. Here in this small town (relatively small in SE Florida) there aren't the support groups like there are in a big metro area, but this really helps having a forum to express comments.

In the past year, I've actually met quite a few parents who started after 45. I also have met adoptive families that are bio grandparents raising their grand kids. Families come in all ages, and in all different ways.

Its good to be catching up on reading these and seeing the similiarities in experiences. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. So far I haven't had too many rude comments made in front of my son. He has enough "physical characteristics" from both sides of our families that he looks like my husband, and has some of my features as well - and obviously he does not have the same DNA as either of us (yet he's had people ask if his cousins are his sisters). (I still don't like it though when people say what a awonderful thing we've done "for mankind or something?" in adopting him - in front of him). Never quite know what to expect but I'm finally starting to relax a bit and go with the flow.

I am 41 with children age 5 and 3, both adopted as infants. The only advice I can offer about this, based on my experience, is to continue to work through whatever issues you might have related to your infertility and/or adoption journey, and at the end, hopefully embrace your unique situation for what it is. I've learned that anything other, and I've experienced some parallel things that you have, only leads to frustration. I've learned that my story is my story, and it's my story to tell how I want to. I know it's unique. I know I can't relate to other people. Most of the time I remain silent realizing they wouldn't understand anyway. And that's okay. THere's nothing I can do to change what has happened (and some of it I wouldn't want to) and there's nothing they can do to understand my experience because it isn't theirs. As for the relationships, I've learned that I have to embrace a wide variety of people in order to fulfill my needs as an "older than" mom. My closest friends (both near and one I moved away from) are a few years older than me. They are both empty nesters and/or almost empty nesters even though we are in the same decade of life. They give me the opportunity for deep and fulfilling conversations that both embrace parenting (they are an awesome resource for me since they've raised their kids, and their kids are all amazing people) and many other our mutual interests outside my role as a parent. I found that I need that desperately. And it has fulfilled something that some of the younger moms, whose kids are the same age as my kids, can't. Not because the younger moms don't have anything to offer, but because they haven't lived as long to have the experiences that others have. And that's okay too. And the "older" friends have embraced my kids almost like their grandkids, which fulfills a need for my children, whose grands all live away. Alongside these friends closer to my age, I also have many, many friends with whose kids are my kids' age. And for the most part, I am older, sometimes MUCH older. The mother of DS's best friend is almost twenty years younger. But she and I have found a wonderful relationship that is very unique too, but it has taken alot of work. I've blathered on but I guess my whole point is that what I've learned is to embrace my life not my age, to seek out and befriend people who are friends regardless of age. It's work, and it is sometimes challenging but it is worth it.

It really does help to look at this thread. Fortunately I've come to terms with the fact I'm not like everybody else and that is okay. I have some friends now that are 10 years younger, other friends that are my age that have empty nests, and one has become a grandma! Here especially in this smaller town the women become moms at a very young age - and I can't always relate but as everyone has shared, its a different path. I've also given myself permission to just not say anything. Not everyone needs to know every detail about our lives and I too am starting to be better about boundaries.

Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate your stories. Thankfully nobody has called me a Grandma yet, but if we'd had kids at the same time as my husband's sisters, we would be. [url=http://www.afformula.com/]AF Formula™ Asian Flush Cure. Treatment for Alcohol Flush Reaction[/url]

We too were older parents, we waited 10 years for the first. 17 years after we married we had our second. And we adopted a seventeen year old boy when my husband and I were in our mid sixties after our own children grown and on their own for years! God has so blessed you and your son, Lucas. He has a wonderful family. It says in Proverbs that children are a gift from God. He knew when your son was conceived that you were going to be his mother! What a wonderful gift he is! I know that miscarriage is a very sad time and difficult to go through. Our daughter and son in law just buried our miscarried grandson, Aaron Levi yesterday. But focus on the wonder of your young son. The delight, the imagination, the activity! My mother who will be a hundred years old in November, always told us to "keep your feathers oiled" to let the hurtful comments of others roll off. They are not for you to shoulder! May I speak to you as my daughter? (She is now 30) What matters most is that you have a healthy, wonderful, lovely son. He seems proud of his heritage. Keep your feathers oiled and focus on your close knit family relationships. Associate with those who want the best for your family. Some people are thoughtless, sometimes it hurts. But dwell on the blessings God has gifted to you; your son!

Ack! I wasnt feeling old until I read this thread! :-PI just turned 50 (!!) and my husband (30!!) are in the process of adopting two kids from foster care ages 2.5 and 8. We got married 5 (I was 45)years ago, and tried to conceive and miscarried three times. We then started the process to adopt through foster care:)I honestly dont feel older than the other moms:) Im active and keep up! But to be honest with you, Ive always acted younger than the number of my age :PNo one has said anything to me about it yet...though I anticipate that it will happen eventually.Maybe its just a mindset?Tam

I adopted my wonderful daughter from China when I was 51 and she was 18 months old. I turned 67 today, and my daughter will turn 17 years old next month. We are still having fun! Frankly, I have never regretted my choice, and I have never felt "odd". I live in the DC metropolitan area, where old Moms are commonplace --- even old SINGLE Moms like me -- and where there are so many White families with kids from China that we can easily fill a banquet hall on Chinese New Year with a few hundred families. I do think that you should consider moving to a more adoption-friendly and age-friendly area. It is very important for your son to know other kids whose families were formed by international adoption, and especially, kids whose families look like yours -- typical Caucasian parents with a Hispanic child. It is also important for YOU to know other old Moms, because yes, you will have a different perspective on some child-raising issues, because you are older. One of the people whose opinions I consider most valuable is another old single Mom, about my age, who has two daughters from China. Sharon

Hats off to all you lovely ladies who consider giving a home and good upbringing to a child whatever be their age. In fact, age is just a number. All that matters is the jest to live life and to love and be loved.