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HI. I am brand new here, having just found the forum online.
Here is a abbreviated version of my situation (and even that's long...sorry).
I am a high school teacher. I am the mom of two kids, one in college, one in high school.
A female student of mine is in a difficult situation. Her history is heartbreaking, but she is an amazing, resilient young woman. Recently, her living situation has become pretty awful (she's been a ward of the state for about 5 years, I believe). She is in her junior year of high school, and a good student.
Except for some recent self destructive choices, she has been a model citizen (literally) for the state child welfare department (see how new I am? I don't even know what they call it).
A few weeks ago, she dropped off radar for a while, all stemming from a desperate desire to get out of the group home situation she was in. It's a really long and awful story, but she is back and safe for now.
I have been teaching for 25 years, and have known many students who need an "angel" and in my way, I guess I've been it, at least at school.
But this girl really needs a break, and a place where she can rest her head at night knowing someone really truly gives a **** about her. She "looks bad on paper" and will be "hard to sell" (the words of her social worker) to a foster parent. I know she is getting harder and harder toward the world the longer her current "limbo" goes on.
Allright, so you have figured by now, that I would like to take her into our home. My children are fine with it. My son is hardly ever here as he lives a few hours away attending college, but he and my daughter are great lovers of life, and wish everyone could have the kind of positive nurturing they had growing up.
My husband at first said YES, absolutely, but he is now a bit reticent. His middle school daughter stays with us part time, and he may want to clear things with her. And he has the same questions I do about what our lives will be like.
Bottom line. Am I nuts???
I can cut through the garbage quickly with all my students, and I can see the person inside the life situation. What I see here is someone who is articulate, smart, warm and very very wounded, who needs time and a place to heal.
Practicality: we have two or our four bedrooms being used only part time: by my son, when he visits from school and by my step daughter's when she stays one or two nights a week. My son said he would gladly give up his space. I am afraid we will have to shuffle when he comes home (which with an apartment now, is rarer).
But when it comes right down to it, is it right? Should I take my kids at face value and trust that their original altruistic tendency is something they can feel long term?
This girl really wants me to take her in (she did not ask me, I said I would look into it). I told her we don't drink or accept any drinking or drugs or not knowing where the kids are, etc....(my own kids are not "party-ers" at all). I was pretty lucky, as my own kids were/are very open with me, and stayed away from trouble.
The counselor at school and I are this girl's advocates, to be sure. He and his wife would take her but do not have room. Anyway, it looks like it may take some time, even for an emergency foster license...funny, this girl knows all the terminology, etc (she could be a lawyer!)
Something you should know about me: I make a choice everyday to live on the bright side of things. I choose to see possibilities...and I don't let fear run my life.
But I want to do what is right for my family and for this girl. She deserves a break. And there is always enough love to go around. So should I pursue?
I will listen to your thoughtful opinions with much humility and gratitude.
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I don't know this girls history, but I will tell you that my very disturbed children appear very normal to a lot of people, even really educated ones that work with children. One thing I would recommend is trying to talk to the foster families and group home parents where this girl has been and find out why she looks bad on paper. If she sees an outside therapist, get permission to talk to them as well.
She may be ready to make a healthy positive change in her life or she may be manipulating in hopes of more freedom and less responsibility(not that she'd get that, but she may see it that way)
Look into it, yes, but do so with as much information as you can get.
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Everyone entering foster care is nervous at first. You seem to know this child well which is FAR above what most of us know going into a placement. LOL. We often don't know the name, sex, and age until they walk through the door (and the last little boy told me he had turned 4 the month before but the cw kept telling me he was 3.....he was right). So see, no one is 100% sure.
As a fellow teacher, and foster enthusiast, you sound like you would make a great foster mom to this girl and who knows? you may choose to foster more when she moves on into adulthood.
Depending on where you live, the time required to finish your foster training varies. We made an inquiry Aug. 24 and we were open for children Nov. 24. Also depending upon where you live, this child could possibly be placed with you before you are technically "open" to foster.
You need to look up your local social services office and ask for the Dept. of Children and Family Services (DCFS) or some places call is Dept of Youth and Family Services (DYFS). Ask to speak to the county supervisor. She will lead you to the person who can help you get into training quickly and to someone who can answer questions about the legality of getting her into your home faster as her guardian or something to that effect.
Good luck! Fostering has been a great extension to our family and hopefully yours will feel the same.
Kim
lightlove - there's another member on the board who is a teacher and took in a teenage student. He spent 2+ years with her and her family. He's now in independent living. Maybe you should PM her (Stevenstwin) for some first hand experience/input/guidance. I don't have much advice except to get as much info on the person as possible. Like Lucyjoy indicated, talk to whomever you can and get as much background as possible. Good luck.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies.
The good news is that my "girl" was in school today... and relatively upbeat. I made a valentine's day card for her and gave her a great book that has passed through many hands in my family. And another of my independent study girls made her a valentine sweet.
I cannot tell you how happy I was to go looking for her today, and to find her exactly where she should be, in her math class, taking a test.
The not so great news ( rather devastating, actually) is that my husband is not on the same page as I am. When push came to shove (as in she really could come here) he does not want to do this.
I spoke at length with her social worker and we both know that the adults involved need to be BOTH committed to this. He is not. The social worker explained as well, that our girl is not in an unsafe situation at all, but definately not the most ideal at the moment. Honestly, I know the state people are trying their best to help.
I was frank with my girl today, explaining as best I could that it might not be feasible for that reason along with some others. I am pretty sad about it, but I won't do that to this girl (bring her into a home where someone doesn't want her).
I feel like I have to tell her this again, as she didn't seem to "get it" completely today. Maybe I wasn't straight enough about it....maybe I thought my husband would come around....maybe I am a coward and I melt when I see that hope in her face...
I am at least getting clearance to be one of her "safe" people so that I can visit and take her out of her group home for lunch or something.
I feel already like I have failed her....and I don't want to be another adult who did that in her life. But I feel I cannot let that deter me from staying in her life as her friend and mentor, even if she is not in my home, I will be there for her. I told her this today, and I can only hope this will carry her until she finds a living situation she feels good about.
I gave her a sketchbook/journal that I had been saving for her hoping she would "resurface". I bought it a while back because she had a birthday that was, well, less than ideal. My daughter helped me pick it out. Today she told me she is writing a book in it. She looked so much better today, and she told me she noticed that a lot of her classmates told her how happy they were to see her again.
So maybe, just maybe, the words I've been telling her about focusing on what she wants, rather than what she doesn't are already manifesting for her. Maybe the expressions of love she heard from so many today will start to convince her of her worth.
Thank you so much for your kindness and indulgence in letting me express things here. You people are wonderful.
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:hissy:
Oh, I hate to hear that but you are right---you have to respect his position on this.
HOWEVER, please consider taking the foster training classes and becoming licensed. You never have to actually "open" your home if you choose but you would have the option of giving this girl respite care from her group home. It could be every other weekend, etc. And during those short visits your husband may start to feel differently about having this young woman come to be a part of your home.
Just consider it. Then you have more options but don't have to act on anything unless you want. Who knows? You may decide to provide respite for other foster families and eventually decide to open your home to placements.
Kim