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A new neighbor showed up at my door yesterday asking to use my phone. She was trying to get a hold of her pastor.
She ended up basically hiding out over at my house yesterday with her 5 kids as she tried to figure out what to do..
Apparently, she is married to a very controling and abusive husband (though she says he hasn't hit her for a while).
She's not allowed to leave the house, he won't give her a key to the house, the kids can't play outside if he's not with them, she can't have friends and is far away from family and he won't let her talk to them, they don't have a phone because he doesn't want her talking on it, he's now stopped going to church and won't allow her to go to church either....etc..etc the more she told me the more sickened I became of the whole situation. He also carries all of her and the kids personal info/ID with him at all times so she can't just take off with the kids and leave him.
She was at my house for like 6 hours yesterday trying to figure out what to do,the whole time going back and forth on wether she was going to leave him or not.
I let her use my phone and she talked to two of her pastors and my bishop. She also talked to several of her family members (from another state) several times. They were making arrangements for them to come out and visit her,and for her and the kids to leave with them, her parents even offered to set up her own apartment for her if she left him and came back home with the kids. They advised ehr to just go back home and pretend like nothing was wrong until they could come out.
I called around and got info for a battered woman's shelter but she didn't really want to go there or talk to them. She asked if she could stay with us for the night and I basically said no (we have foster kids and we live right across the street from them so it wouldn't be a good situation for any of us)I tried to tell her that if she wanted to leave then I'd help set her up with the shelter until her family could come down and pick her up etc.
But the whole time she couldn't make up her mind what she was going to do,one moment saying all this terrible stuff about hima nd then next saying what a great father he is ..etc.
It was completely rediculous. I felt like if she truly wanted to leave him I could help her out,but from what she told me she would have been right back with him the next day.
Finally,it seemed like the plan was she was going to go home and pretend nothing was wrong and wait for her family to come pick her and the kids up. She also had left a note at home saying she had gone to church with the kids.
So she called her husband (who was home now,across the street) and they talked (mostly in spanish so I couldn't understand everything she said). She told him that she was at a neighbors house, she told him my name and she had me bring the oldest child outside for a moment so he could see which house she was at.
By this time it was completely obvious that she was planning to go back with him and stay with him, even telling him that he'd call her family back and tell them not to come (which she did as soon as she was off the phone with him), it was just rediculous.
She OBVIOUSLY was not a woman trying to get away from her controling/abusive husband. I was just drained when she finally left.
After she left i called her mom from one of the numbers she left here and got some more history on her. Confirming what I already knew that this relationship had gone on for the last 5+ years and whenever someone would offer her help or she would leave him, she would choose to keep going back to him. She was at a battered woman's shelter just last year it sounds like...and she left that to be with him.
I just feel so lost on what I should do. She has covered for this man for the last 5 years...and according to her mother tells all kinds of lies regarding those family members who are trying to help her.
So I feel like even if I reported him to the police...she would lie to them...if I reported them to DHS...she would again lie to cover him. (though...I guess I'd actually have 4 witnesses from people she talked to yesterday on my phone confirming everything she has said about him).
I'm just lost...
I feel like there is no point trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped...and I'm a little afraid to call DHS because I know she will lie...and the only thing it would do is make my family a target...since he will know it was me that called.
What do you think?
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I think it's wonderful you were doing your best to be compassionate but I would have called the police/CPS the second she left. What this woman described to you is imprisonment. What you now know about her family is proof enough that she was there and that she was (supposedly) terrified of the abuse she and her children are suffering. She could lie to anyone investigating all she wants, but the details you would provide would I'm pretty sure be enough to get the ball rolling.
Your reporting what you witnessed and what she told you in your home will not make your family a target. And IMO who really cares if it does. Get a restraining order if you're that worried about it. And really, what's the worst this man will do? Threaten you? Then call the police and get him thrown in jail because the woman won't and that's where he belongs. I would NOT hesitate for a second to get law enforcement involved if he even looked at me sideways.
IMHO doing nothing about abuse someone KNOWS is occurring is enabling and supporting of it. You may be these children's only chance to get out of this situation because the woman no longer can/will stand up for them herself.
For future reference I would not allow her to use your phone for long distance phone calls (for all you know she was just ringing up your phone bill because she you were naive enough to buy her abuse story, maybe she wasn't being abused at all, she was speaking in Spanish so who knows for sure now). Nor would I even consider letting a stranger (with kids in tow or not) stay in my home for hours on end, I think that was more dangerous than reporting this situation ever would be if indeed he really is an abuser. If the situation is that desperate she needs to go to a shelter if she shows up at your door.
If you really feel the need to continue being involved in this the next time she shows up offer to drive her and her kids to a shelter or call the police. Tell her that's all you can do because you don't agree with what's going on and that's the only thing that'll help them in the long run.
Best of luck to that family if what she's told you is true and best of luck to you in making the right decision as to how to proceed.
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If you are a foster parent you are a mandatory reporter to abuse. If I was you I would have called CPS and the police. She sounds like a typical battered woman. Read up on battered womans syndrome. They make excuses for the abuse and forgive them and go back. She may feel trapped in that home and afraid if she does leave she will be beaten or even killed. She is living in fear. It is not right for the kids to watch this. It's nice to see a compassionate person however you may wish to report her even now. Think of the kids and the situation they are living under. They will grow up to be controlling like their Dad. She reached out to you and confided in you. If you ignore it you are accepting of it. If she comes by again then call the police and have them get her to a safe place. You are putting your family in jeopardy. She needs to find a safe place and get help.
Well, I don't know why it was such a hard decision to make, but I finally called DHS and reported everything that I know about the situation.
At the end of the conversation the lady on the phone said she would file it as "inadequate supervision" since the father was gone at the time and once they got to the home they could investigate the rest of it.
It kinda made me feel bad at first, since I didn't intend on turning (HER) in, but I guess it's necessary, since she isn't willing to get her and her kids out of that situation.
So now I guess I just wait and watch what happens.
(and hope that when he finds out he doesn't try and retaliate(sp?) against us especially if they take his kids away).
Or hurt her because of what she did.
I would be cautious in the extreme now. He is a bully and may very well retaliate against you. I would go into seige mode and keep the doors locked and kids and pets inside for the next few days.What's the worst the guy can do? I'd be terrified right about now because he can do an awful lot that you might not even think of, and restraining orders aren't worth much unless you have 24-hour guards to enforce them, plus they're not just handed out like Halloween candy because someone looks at you sideways. If the guy is into drugs or drinking, it can make things even worse.Good luck. Turning them in took guts. I hope you gave them all the phone numbers the woman gave for family members, so they can call them and get the family's story to back up yours.
You did the right thing by calling DHS. It sounds like a typical abused wife situation. No matter what she says today, it will be different tomorrow. If he abuses her in any way, you can guarantee he is or will be doing it to the kids at some point.
I understand your concern about the fact that he might retaliate, but it could have been anybody she talked to on your phone who made that call. DHS won't tell them it was you who called when they investigate.
I applaud you for your concern for her and the children. I would also recommend you read up on battered women's syndrome too, because it will enable to you to understand why she acts the way she does and doesn't get help or leave for good. It's a very vicious cycle and difficult to break. So sad. It would arm you with the right things to say to her next time she comes for help, and she will come again.
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Oh I had TERRIBLE DREAMS last night that he was coming after my family.:cowboy:
But I still feel good about my decision. I can't live my life pretending like everything is ok...when a woman is practically living in hidding with her children across the street.
I think we're pretty safe until the cops come by and investgate them. That's when I'm nervous we might have some problems, especially if the kids are taken. So I'm keeping an eye out for the cops so I know when they come.
I'll keep you guys updated as I find out what happens.
I really do hope they take the children. I think that's the ONLY way this family situation will change, and hopefully the husband will get deported (since he is an immigrant with just a green card).
That's probably the best long term solution(that might happen) for this woman and her kids.
WTG Suzie!!!
Most abusers are absolute cowards, the only people they try to control and abuse are their wives and children. I highly doubt this guy will say two words to you about this even if he knows it was you.
I guess putting myself in your shoes I would not be concerned anyway. I've dealt with some pretty volatile birth parents as a foster parent, almost off of which were entitled to know where we live (not that it wouldn't be hard to find on the internet even if they weren't told right off the bat), never had an issue yet (knock on wood). Even if we did, we've got dogs, we own firearms and we have access to a telephone. IF anything were to happen I'd feel confident I could protect my family one way or another. Be proactive if you feel the need and make sure your doors are locked but try not to worry about it too much past this point. Think about how many people make these reports everyday. If retaliation was REALLY a danger to a reporter, we'd hear something about it in the news every once in awhile. Can't say I ever have heard anything on the tv in regards to a reporter being assaulted or otherwise bothered by an abuser, with the exception of bunk Judge Judy cases where people try to sue for money over false allegations.
To live in fear you are just adding to his list of victims. Statistics are on your side that everything will be just fine for you. Don't be a victim, be proud you did something to help this woman and her kids! You absolutely did the right thing!!!
How long does it take to get people out there to investigate?
The Van was gone ALL DAY yesterday and no lights were on in the house even when it got dark. I thought for sure they had already moved, but later that evening around 11pm it showed up(though I didn't see when they arrived to see who got out of the van) and then a light was on.
I'm not sure what to think...if she can't leave the house, they have no friends, she can't go to church, then where were they ALL DAY?
I wonder if she's not allowed to answer the door or turn on lights when he's not there?
I'm tempted to go over (since he's not home) and see if she's there and if she want's to talk but at the same time, I really don't want to scare them away before DHS has a chance to investigate.
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well, I got home tonight at the same time as "The Van" did. As we were getting out of the car he was standing there still, at the back of his carport starring at us. Once we were in the house I peeked out the window(he couldn't see me) and watched to see who got out of the car this time and it was the whole family.
Talk about wierd...this guy must be truly paranoid.
He did that the other day to my husband as well (the day after she came to my house)...didn't move a muscle just stood still behind his van starring at him.
Oh well :cowboy: I've got them coming to investigate...so hopefully things will get resolved soon.
I've decided that if she comes by again saying the same kinds of things I'm just gonna call the cops right then and there. But I'll just stay away for now...so I don't scare them away.
Update(to make it short)
She came over to my house last sunday morning at 6am saying she was leaving her husband. We called the police and they came over and helped her get the kids from the house and she's now staying in a shelter until her parents can come get them.
Hopefully, she won't go back to him this time.:cheer:
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