anger/sadness issues

NOT AN ADOPTEE, but wanted to say how sorry I am that this how now reared its ugly head. Your twenties are the years where you "find yourself and figure out who you truly are" so it is natural that those feelings would choose now to rise to the surface. There are many therapists who specialize in adoptee emotions. You might feel better talking to one. Also, have you attempted to find your birthmother? As sad as it may sound, she may have passed away from her drug use or the complications from it and that would explain her silence all these years. In closed adoption it is often hard to track family or get accurate information about the adoption. She could be searching for you. I am so sorry that your mother made poor choices while pregnant with you and that it has affected you for life. I am also sorry that the woman who "mothered" you passed away at an age that you truly needed a mother in your life. Grief effects people in so many different ways. Your adad may be grieving internally or may be suffering depression which will make a person act very aloof and unattached. You may try writing him a letter asking for him to talk to a therapist as well or even going to see one with you jointly. Since he is your "relative" to connect to at this time I would attempt to salvage that relationship if he matters to you at all. (((Hugs)))) to you and I pray you find peace about your situation soon. Kim

You sound like my daughter. She was born exposed to alcohol and drugs. She couldn't do much at age 3 but now is an A student, excelling in everything she does. I consider her a miracle, and you sound the same.I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. You need her at any age. Fifteen is so young to suffer that loss.

My friend their is no magic wond to wave to make your pain go away. And as far as your anger towards your birth mother, you are more than entitled. But just like nobody who has walked in your shoes can fully understand your pain, be carefull on judging your birthmother. I was adopted into an interracial setting with two other non biologically related siblings. My childhood was pure misery. Even though my adoptive mother practically put a silver spoon in our mouths from birth, we all failed miserably. I ended up with some many problems its a wonder I am still around. To add insult to injury I became I master at hiding them all, so even if you asked my closest friends they would not know what you were referring to. I can't feel love because I have never felt loved. I prefer to be alone because thats how I have always felt. I gravitate towards the background because I never felt like I was worthy of being counted. Maybe I will recover, but for now the feelings are there. My advise to you is just hang on. You will have better days and you will have worse, but as you learn to accept yourself you will start to heal, whether the scars go away or not.

I think your anger at your bmom is valid. I think you have the right to be angry with her. The risk she put you in was not fair to you. It wasn't fair that you lost your amom at such a young age, and it's not fair that your adad has distanced himself emotionally. I think anyone in your shoes would be equally angry, and rightly so. Having said that, I would emphatically encourage you to seek some kind of therapy as soon as possible. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead. What I don't want for you is to see you become consumed with or controled by the anger. It is so easy to let it take over and most people don't realize that anger has taken over their lives. They become comfortable in their anger, and it effects their lives mentally, emotionally, and physically. Life isn't fair, but it is what it is. People do things they shouldn't and they hurt others. Life is full of losses of all types. The challenge is in overcoming the circumstances in your life you have no control over. Dealing with the grief, anger, and pain isn't easy, and it's no fun at all, but it can be done. You will be the better for it. Seeing a therapis sounds so, oh, not cool, but it can make a huge difference in your life. Just having someone to whom you can say anything you want without being judged or worrying about their feelings is a very freeing thing. Trust me. I was 40 before I figured it out. Don't try to deal with this alone. There's nothing wrong with asking for a little help. We all need help sooner or later. It just takes some of us a little longer to admit it. Considering your anger at the moment, I would not suggest searching for your bio mom at this time. I would encourage you to deal with your anger towards her first. Reunion is a very difficult thing, and the success of it will depend on the maturity and emotional state of all involved. Focus on yourself and becoming the person you were meant to be first. Then, when you feel you are ready you can decide if you want to find your bmom or just let it go. Good luck to you.

I watched Oprah yesterday and there was a fellow addicted to crack and his father has written a book as well as the son.. [url=http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200804/tows_past_20080410.jhtml]Beautiful Boy: A Father's Heartache, An Addict Son[/url] On the show the young man said that when he was stoned he ended up chasing the drug and family was considered but just that considered.. the drug was more important.. In AA/Al-anon etc we are taught that addiction is a disease.. and if our family had cancer or something like that there would be more forgiveness. (my interpretation of the words said and written) I agree with therapy.. and maybe look into what addiction does to some people so you understand the why of it.. Jackie

I agree with Jackie about therapy, and looking into what addiction does to some people. I am a recovering addict of 10 yrs. I lost both of my children because of drugs and alcohol. I didn't do drugs or drink while I was pregnant, but my children still suffered because of my drug abuse, I look back on that life and regret that I wasn't there for my children while on the drugs and drinking. I put myself into treatment to make a better life for them and myself, the state said that they could do better than me when they found out I was in treatment, I know that they were trying to break my spirit, but the good lord up above wouldn't let that happen, he kept putting people in my path to help me get through another day. Have you heard the song Going through Hell by Rodney Adkins? That is my theme song now. When I am having a bad day, I put that song on and sing along with him (I can't carry a note, I don't care) and pretty soon I feel better. I don't know if this will help you, Keep your chin up, trust in God and you will do just fine. Kat2560

As much as it is important to understand the nature of addiction it is morre important...IMO...in this case to undeerstand what the addiction as done to the innocents that have had nothing to do with the addiction. But suffer the results anyway. Addictions can cause irretrivable realtionship breakups that may never be fixed. The hurt is to deep, the collaratal damage to deadly. you may or may not be able to come to a place of understanding of how she put you in harms way but whatever the case the most important thing is that you are able to totaly gain a sense of yourself and be ableto move on in your life in spite of what was dealtto you as a yungster...hard is isn't.

kat2560 Music helps me.. I am now able to cry when something touches me in a song.. Thanks for sharing.. Your words hold weight.. you have walked the walk.. Jackie

Hello dpens I hope you and yours are well.. I sometimes miss our correspondence.. dpen6 The use of drugs and the consequences of that use can hurt so many people.. and this man who is posting for the first time has a very very valid reason to be angry.. I posted my words in order that this man understands the why of it.. and does not sit in the anger.. I believe that knowledge is the way out of this.. Knowledge and acceptance and understanding.. I hope this man does not think I have given him short shrift in my reply.. It is terrible what has happened to him.. beyond terrible.. I personally believe that getting to a place of being strong in self is about understanding why things happen in our lives.. I could not forgive my parents for their acting out as I grew up until I understood that none of us are perfect.. That I am not perfect.. that I have done terrible things in my life.. things that have caused others pain.. When one does the fourth step in AA.. one learns how to forgive.. Page 66 .. The Big Book of AA. We realized that the people who have wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.” Resentments are what bog me down.. and take me to a place of either thought addiction or physical addictions.. letting go of those resentments is what I try and do every darn day now.. That above what I read in the BB.. is what helped me find that place where I could move on.. Jackie

I really feel that you may need support for your emotional state. You have made the first step in disclosing these feelings is there anyone you can talk to? You are a fantastic human being remember that. Take Care.

One of the things you can do is find a counselor, or minister, or someone you trust that could talk with you about your feelings, I am a recovering addict, I found in my program it helped me to trust a friend who I called a sponsor, she was there for me through everything, she didn't judge me while I was working on the 12 steps. I also found alot of comfort in talking to a minister, my father was a minister before he died. I was very angry at God for alot of years, I felt God took my dad away before he should have. but as I worked through the 12 step program I learned how to turn my anger into a positive emotion, I started to trust a family friend who was a minister, he reassured me that God loved me even when I was doing the drugs, I still get angry at myself for all the bad choices that I made in the past, I do give myself permission to do that as long as I don't hurt myself or anyone else. It isn't healthy to keep the anger inside. I remember the doctor's used to tell my son when he was little to punch a pillow on the bed when he got angry. My son had an anger problem since he was very little, the reason for punching the pillow on the bed was so he wouldn't get hurt, and at the same time he was letting his anger out. I don't know if this will help you or not, but these are the things that always helped me. Remember you do have the right to be angry, just don't hurt yourself or anyone else by holding the anger inside. Talk to someone about it. I can't tell you where your mother is or why she is being silent, all I can do is share my experience with you. I am looking for my son, I know one day we will be reunited and I pray that we can work through all the pain and anger that I know he will have. He was 10 yrs old when I lost him, his sister was 7 yrs old, they were old enough to know who I am. I am hoping one day soon we will be back together as a family.

Your birth mom may still be alive, she may feel horrible for treating you as she did, which could be her reason for thinking you'd be better off without her. Who can say. If you search it'll be a double edge sword but I think you can find some peace of mind by searching. And who knows it may be the right thing to do. Best of luck. bprice215

Hi~ I'm 43 years old and I understand the anger and abandonment an adoptee can feel. I have always known I was adopted and now I'm not sure that was such a good idea. But, I have to live my life and to function just like everybody else. I have to accept that I will always feel anger and abandonment. But it is not who I am and I must not allow it to be. My husband has taught me this. His father was killed when he was nine years old and he still deals with anger and abandonment issues. He no longer lets it define him and has found some peace. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions that I now know were related to the unrecognized feelings I had boiling inside me. But no more. I recognize that I am me and must not let feelings like these define me. Peace is a very hard thing to find with these issues and honestly, I'm not all the way there. I will be with God's help, I will be. God bless you and may you find peace.