Unsupportive Relatives

If you feel as though a reunion with your a-mother is the best thing to do, then that is what you should do. Spouses are supposed to be supportive and maybe he really is looking out for you and your feelings, but this is your life. Often times 'moving forward' is impossible without looking to the past. I wish you the best of luck!

When I contacted my bio father, my husband wasn't thrilled. He never said much, but he's not much of a talker. In the beginning, I think he was mostly concerned that I would get hurt and that things wouldn't work out. He didn't want to see me disappointed. After my first conversation with my bio father, I became consumed with the whole thing, which is normal, but I think my husband was left not knnowing what to do, how to help, and a little insecure as to his role. I felt uneasy talking with him about it. I felt like he was intruding if he came in the room and I was on the phone with my Bdad. This was a private matter to me. I would even get mad if he came in while I was typing an email. Again, I felt like he was intruding. It was a crazy time, and my emotions were irrational and out of control. My husband was not being nosey, just concerned. I'm sure he sensed the uneasiness. Mostly, it was hard for him to see me in such an emotional state and not know what to do about it. He wasn't unsupportive, but it was definitely an awkward time for us. It wasn't until after my first face to face with my dad and my husband had a chance to meet him that he became a little more comfortable with it. I felt like you do. I felt like I had to sneak around to talk etc. I don't even know why, because my husband had not done anything to make me feel that way. I think I just wanted to keep it all to myself. My husband was, through no fault of his own, intruding on this very perssonal and private thing. It was something I needed to do for me, and had nothing to do with him. It took time for all that to ease. I had not realized or considered how it effected him and our relationship. All of a sudden, he had a new father-in-law. All of a sudden, he was not the man who I focused on. All of a sudden, everything was different for me and he couldn't understand. It was difficult, but we survived. He was my biggest supportor, though at times, he had no idea of how to support me and got frustrated and angry about it all. My advice is don't forget to be a wife and friend. It's a very difficult time and you will both need each other to get through it no matter the results of your reunion. Be careful you don't forget him in the midst of your emotions. Talk to each other. He can't understand your need to know your biological history, but you can ask him to accept it. Time will ease the rest. The good is that my husband, though I didn't always see it, was my rock in all of this. It made me love and appreciate him all the more, but at times it was really hard for both of us. My bio dad didn't have it so good. To put it as nicely as possible, his wife hasn't exactly been supportive. She has made it almost impossible for my Bdad to have any kind of relationship with me. I put the responsibility on the both of them, but my reunion and relationship with bio father has all but been destroyed because of her and her insecurities. Sad as that is, it is my bio father's choice to allow her to come between he and his daughter. I thought in the beginning that time would ease her insecurities, but they have only gotten worse with time. Still, it is my bdad's decision to build a relationship with his daughter or let his wife stop him. So I guess, it can go either way. You need to do what is right for you. Keep in mind though, that reunion effects everyone, not just you and your bmom. I hope this helps, and good luck.

I think this is something you can't let others decide for you. Explain to your husband that you love him and need his support......that there are many people in the world that could do or say hurtful things to you and that you would need his shoulder to cry on/lean on. In the event that you are hurt by this reunion, remind him that you will need him to feel empathy for you and that you don't want to feel like he is thinking "I told you so" in your moment of need. Kim

This. If it's something you want, I would do it if it were me. He should be understanding of what it means to you.

Your husband is scared for you. I found this really helpful and posted it on my FB page for all those friends and relatives that didn't understand. I got flooded with PMs of apologies from those who told me to 'move forward'. It is geared towards talking about abuse but the principles apply. Hope it helps. [URL="http://emergingfrombroken.com/standing-up-to-damaging-advice-and-overcoming-trauma-directives/?fb_action_ids=10150964548938153&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=timeline_og"]Explaining why 'the past is the past' doesn't work and is damaging to relationships[/URL]

Thanks for posting that. I've been flooded by ignorant comments lately. I'm very, very happy to have my fabulous daughter in my life through adoption. I'm sorry, but comments that I wouldn't have her if I didn't lose my baby are not helpful, they are incredibly hurtful. To the OP. You need to do what you feel you need too. Your husband likely does not understand (do men every understand anything, really?) and is likely also feeling protective. Can you say something along the lines of.. I need your support, and some hugs. I notice men often have a desire to fix, or solve things, as opposed to just being there.

With all due respect to your husband this issue is actually not for him to influence. I would nicely say that this is something you have to do and would appreciate his support but if he is unable or unwailling to give this then you will proceed anyway. Someone who is not adopted has difficulty understanding the deep need that compels us to seek information about ourselves. When I started searching and contacted the religious order who ran the mother and baby home from where I was adopted it was an elderly nun who said the words 'it's not a good idea to go digging.' I resented her for being obstructive and felt that sort of line dominated the 50's and 60's and caused much heartache. I was also told by an adoption social worker that if something feels right for you (after due thought and consideration) then it is right.

i am a father looking for my son i didnt have any thing to do with giving him up for adoption.so if my son was looking for me i would hope that his wife wouldnt want to hurt me by talking my son out of it.i just wasn't smart back then to stop her.so if you feel you need to see them try to .but just remember it could be good or bad as for me it should be good.i would of had him if she would of gave him to me like i asked

This is my story My name is Raymond i was from a small town Shallowater Tx.I was young 18 and she was 19.we where not in love we just hung out together alot.I didnt live with my parents at the time,was on my owne at the time,staying with friends or anywhere i could.she called and ask me if i knew where she was at,i told me out partying in didnt know.Well she told me she was at the Hosp giving birth to a child and that it was mine.and that she was going to give it up for adoption.I told her on and asked that she give it to me,and she said no.I didn't know my rights or the law.and let it happen.Not having a car at the time i couldnt go looking for her.i just let it go.After many yrs pasted and I started looking for them and she had moved away.I started thinking at the right age he would come looking for us.and no he didn't.I how ever started looking and found out she was working in the same place as my brother.so he got her # for me and i called asking her about the adoption.All she asked me was why after all these yrs i started looking.Because she had moved a way and i couldn't even find her.butt that i found her now and thats why i am looking.she told me she didn't know anything.she told me that her father made her give up the child and that it was him and his lawyer that took care of the adoption.I know that i wasn't on ther birth cert,however i sure hope she was.but she doen't even know that.So I am at least looking for him she dosnt seem to care to much.She has told me that you where BORN 12/18/1979 IN LUBBOCK TX AT METHODIST HOSP. I AM THE FATHER RAYMOND. AND SHE IS MOTHER RYN ANN GARRETT:hissy: