How long is a Promise valid - and what if it was fake?

That was a very powerful poem and I just wanted to truly say I am sorry that you did not receive what you deserved. Every child deserves to be loved and taken care of! I hope someday your dreams come true! Take care! Ali

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Did your biological mother make a verbal promise, or is there legal documentation of some kind that makes your adoption a CLOSED adoption? I am beginning to come to term with the reality that my biological mother is most likely not searching for me, and she probably never will. I don't like knowing this, of course, but is a step towards moving past a lot of the hurt and trying to heal. To some, "their word is their bond," you know? A verbal promise is as good as a binding, legal document. I can't imagine that the only statement regarding your adoption was made verbally in the form of a "promise," so I wonder if there was more to it - some kind of signed, legal document regarding the privacy of your biological mother perhaps. I hope that you can heal - maybe writing is like therapy for you? I keep a journal and I know that writing can often help.

Thanks for writing Nicole! NY law mandates that adoptions shall remain closed so that may be why she doesn't try. Plus as another member has reminded me our bmoms are older, and may not even KNOW about reunion registries. OR she may just want to forget. I AM trying to come to terms with this but it is almost akin to how I feel about my bmom's decision to adopt me out at all - I know in my head that it probably seemed the "best", the most rational decision for both of us - to her - but in my heart there's a little girl crying out to her mommy "Why wouldn't you keep me? I wanted YOU!". I guess the trick is to stay rational, not emotional. Hugs - PJ/MJM

im so sry honi know the pain surrounding adoption im a birthmom waiting for the day daughter turns 18 i am most definately going to make contact when shes an adult..dont know exactly when mind youi need to know shes ok and if she ever need me in there!:airplane:

MJM, I know it was hard for me to understand and come to terms with the fact that my biological mother had not searched for me or joined any reunion registries. (In fact, she eventually declined contact with me.) I guess I had thought because I wanted to search, she must want to search, too. Who wouldn't want to find her child? But I had to start to understand that my first mother is a very different person from me, with a very different life story. She's doing what works for her life. Did you have a closed adoption? If so, your birthmother was probably told that she would never know anything about you, and she should just go on with her life, for your good and hers. Probably she's just continuing what she's done for years and years. I hope you can find peace with this. I know it's hard.

Hi JWM -thanks for the reply to my poem. Yes, it was a closed adoption and in my HEAD I understand all her reasons - in my heart, it hurts that she didn't keep me. I guess we just have to be rational. Thanks again! ReOc

Have you tried asking for help on the "Search Angels" board of this site? Suggestion--it might help you to understand a bit more if you read THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY. It will give you insight into what we faced years ago--very different from these days. And we were told that the babies would be so much better off with two parents who could give them everything that we couldn't. It makes me SO furious to find out that our precious children were hurt like that!

Dear Mocking - Thanks for replying to - and reading- my poem. Not all aparents are the selfish controling idiots that mine were. Alot of adoptees are happy and love their aparents very much but I think always feel a connection to their bmom - even if they don;t understand it (weren't told).My case just happened to end badly. I pray that your child is one of the happy ones.As for search angels, I know they ARE angels but I don't want to search for my bmom in case she doesn't want to be found. Good luck! ReOc

Didn't know you were born/adopted in NYS - so was I. Have you registered with the state registry and received non-identifying information from the state, the hospital where you were born and the agency that placed you?? I have the contact info. for a local search angel...I am in Central NY; not sure where in NY you are.

I think you should give her that option. I believe that I told you before that I didn't search for my son because I thought he was healthy and happy and didn't need me causing turmoil in his life--I was wrong. He needed me. If I had known that, I would have tried to find him long ago. If you find out who your mother is and where she is and if you have the courage, you can give her that choice. Yes, she may not want to have a relationship with you--but she does owe you the courtesy of telling you about her situation and why she gave you up, and of filling you in on your medical history. When my son contacted me, he said that he had questions about family medical history and he didn't want to disrupt my life--but I wasn't about to let him get away. He's had some pretty rocky places in his life; but he has survived them. I'm so proud of him; and I'm absolutely crazy about him!

Hi ReOcB342008,I am an adoptee that was adopted into an abusive family. I will share my own experience in regards to a promise in an attempt to try to help.When I was 18 my a-father was ill and extracted from me what turned out to be a death bed promise. He made me promise that if anything happened to him, I would take care of my a-mother.My a-mother was an abusive, self centered, selfish head strong, demanding individual who had been the source of my family abuse.As he pressed me for an answer, I gave in...looking at the ceiling for some sign and thinking, "Oh God, you have to help me with this one."As soon as I agreed, he dismissed me. Four days later he was dead, taking with him any knowledge surrounding my adoption. My role as an adoptee was sealed, and my lifelong sentence would be carried out. Through the years the family strength and stability that I worked so hard to build, fell apart over and over...in silence I picked up the pieces and cleared the wreckage...I was after all adopted, suspect and tainted. I had no value or merit.In a particularly difficult period with my a-mother, I ended the relationship with her and gave her to her 2 biological children.At the end of 32 years there was simply nothing left to give. I remembered all the associations I had had with that family. The days when I had to earn the right to live....the association with every form of abuse and the slow downward trend into degradation and fear. I had no value.In the end I was glad I made the decision to leave that family. I had paid my dues many times in blood.I never again allowed the family to pull me into the position of care taking. What I didnt know then was that healing had started. And probably more importantly, there was no guilt.My suggestion to you is that the basis for the promise is not as important as your feelings in regards to what the promise represents.A promise is an emotional contract. If at any time an individual feels that there are unreasonable types of involvements with the promise, they have every right to refuse to honor it. It is a choice.I wish you the very best.Drywall

ReOc, if you are 50, then I assume your bmom would be anywhere from around 65 or older. A lot of people in her generation are not as computer savvy as others, so perhaps she isn't online that much or even at all. As others have mentioned, this was in the closed era, where she most likely would have been sent away to a maternity home and coerced or forced to "give you up" for adoption (the terminology that was used back then). She would have been told in no uncertain terms that she should never seek you out, that you were no longer her child and never would be, and that she'd never be able to locate you, etc. She would have had to "move on" as though nothing had happened, and it would have been considered a very shameful thing that she had to keep "in the closet" at all costs. She may have held this secret inside of her all these years and most likely never received any counseling around it. She would not have been allowed even the basic human need of grieving her tremendous loss. Now, I know these facts don't change what you feel in your heart. That you want your mom to reach out to you, to "break her promise" and find you. And it seems despite not wanting to interfere in her life, etc., you DO want to reconnect, but naturally, have fears that are stopping you, perhaps similar in nature to the fears your bmom may have (maybe she wishes she could reach out but doesn't want to interfere in your life, doesn't know if you know you are adopted, is afraid of rejection, etc. and on top of that, doesn't feel she deserves to do so because she likely has had a ton of shame dumped on her for having an unplanned pregnancy and "giving away" her baby). Your poem was very deep and moving--you certainly have a gift for expressing yourself. I'm sorry you had the experience you did in your afamily, and that you found the strength to carry on despite your upbringing. Have you thought about getting some counseling and at the same time, maybe think more about finding your bmom? Maybe if you did both simultaneously, it would help with any difficult feelings or situations that may arise. As much as you are afraid of any further rejection, it is also possible your bmom would welcome you with open arms. The fact that you are putting your info online tells me you want to make yourself known. Perhaps the next step is to take it a little further and push the envelope a bit more.

Thanks all who wrote regarding my poem. I thank you all who shared their stories - and all those who gave suggestions and support. To update a little - I am still working on being Me - FINALLY found a peaceful physical environment to do so (have had "interesting" housing/environments since moved from my hometown to grow!). Am LOVING finally finding that peace - really helps you find solace if your outside world is calm-ish instead of turbulent! (smile). Also enjoying the true - real -love and support of my sister in my heart who lives with me and lets me know EVERY day that I AM a loveable and worthwhile person.Thanks Roey for being my rock - my shoulder to lean on AND my sounding boards sometimes! As for searching for my bmom -not really ready still to put myself "on a limb" yet. Still have to grow inside - to be completely Me before I add on being Mary Jo (birthname). Have sought counseling in the past but most therapists I saw didn't really help - except for one very special one who taught me that none of it was my fault and gave me the courage to start on the journey of finding myself. Thanks Anne! And- again -thanks again to all my fellow Adoption.comfriends who read my poem and were touched enough to reach out. Love ya - ReOc