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My DD is 6 1/2 and has always known that she is adopted. I have always tried very hard to be positive and open about it. I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything. Her birth mother was young (just started college) and her parents really didn't give her much of a choice about the matter. I was told that they told her that they would not help or support her if she kept the baby. She chose us from several families. We wrote her letters and gave her pictures of us. However, she did not want to actually meet us nor keep it touch. I think they were not telling her younger sisters that she was even pregnant. We were not given her last name even though we eventually found out what it was because the hospital was not very discreet. She gave us a picture of her, a video of a sonogram and gave my DD a Keepsake box with a poem engraved in it. My DD keeps this box in her room with her picture inside. Every now and then she will want to take it out and look at it and talk about it. The other day she told some kids at school that she was adopted. Which was just fine. But then, she wanted to take her BM picture to school. I just didn't feel right about that. I tried to explain that that was something special and personal and that not everyone in the family had even seen it. Out of respect for her BM, I just didn't think that was the thing to do. She did live in our area at one time and now lives in the next state a couple of hours away. (DD doesn't know this) I told her that she could tell them all about how pretty she was and how she had her big blue eyes. When I told her that, she went into hysterics about wanting to see her mother, wanting to go live with her mother, missing her mother. Why can't we find her now? ( This is unusual behavior) I don't know if just not getting her way about the picture instigated all of this, and then she worked herself up into a frenzy.(Which she has done about other things before) I feel like she feels abandoned. I didn't want her feel this way. I am having a hard time remembering that I didn't do anything wrong. I feel guilty for some reason. I want to fix things and make it go away and I can't do that either. Anyway, she wanted to look at pictures of the day she was born and it was me and her daddy holding her in the hospital and after that she was her old self again as if nothing ever happened. Of course for me, I still felt bad the next day. I worry that she is harboring these bad feeling inside or that I haven't done everything possible to make this as easy on her as I can. Any advice??
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I have a son aged 8 and if he doesnt get his own way he works himself up into a frenzy. Her reaction was normal it could have even been a picture of a pet and she would have acted the same way. Dont be to hard on yourself you made the right decission not letting her take the photo to school. She will soon forget about it xxxxxxxx
Adoptee
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tldowen
The other day she told some kids at school that she was adopted. Which was just fine. But then, she wanted to take her birthmom picture to school. I just didn't feel right about that. I tried to explain that that was something special and personal and that not everyone in the family had even seen it. Out of respect for her birthmom, I just didn't think that was the thing to do. She did live in our area at one time
as an adoptee, I agree with how you dealt with it. I think 6 is to young to be bringing pictures of her bmom to school. If she wants to show her friends at home...fine. I don't think her bmom's picture should be the object of a show and tell. She may not understand it at 6 but will when she is older. This is the women taht gave birth to her and should't be just passed around the classroom.
I agree with how you dealt with it as well. As an adoptee I believe that pictures and personal information shared about biomom and biofamily should only be discussed around family. Se thi is where I draw the line with open adoption. How much is too open. I think open adoption is good overall but a six , seven or eight year old shouldn't be carrying around or showing pics of their biofamily. Maybe because I am so grateful that I was raised in a closed adoption. For me I cannot imagine feeling like I was torn or had to share my love with 2 mothers. In all honesty I might have done the same thing as your daughter had I known and was in that position.
Please do not beat yourself up. Even though the reality is your dd has a biomom you ARE her Momma, you ARE parenting her YOU make the choices and call the shots. I know it must hurt and kill you to hear the things she says about going to live with her biomom, but honestly she is only saying this to push your buttons. This woman is basically a stranger to gher that has only became a reality because she has seen pictures and heard stories about her beginnings. Myself I would have waited to share that infomation with her, but since she already knows the best you can do is let her know this is special family stuff that we do not share with friends or schoolmates
I am by no means saying to lie to a child about adoption, but certain things MUST remain within the family. Some children do not understand this because it is so freely discussed within the home.
EZ
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I am an adopted adult, I never had a picture of my birth mother, even though I had an open adoption. But, I am also a birth mother and my daughter, who is 12 now, has taken my picture to school and shared it with friends. She even has a picture of me on her MySpace page. I don't agree or disagree with your handling - I only encourage you to explore her feelings...she may be responding to your 'closing off' of her feelings on the matter...or she may not.Either way, you're the mom - you decide.
EZ
Thank you for your words. I struggled with when to show her the picture. My reasoning was that there would be one less question mark in her mind (such as what did my bmom look like). Plus I thought it would be a comfort for her to know that her bmom gave it to us. However, one answered question opens the door for more questions. I also didn't want to hold on to it and give it to her one day only to have her say,"why in the world did you keep this from me so long?" I guess you just go from the heart and pray you do the right thing.
Hi,
I can remember having a simmelar thing when i was around 7 years old. I had no picture but i wanted to bring a letter to show to every one. looking back on it, i realise that is was not the letter that realy made the different, but my relationship with my mom and how i looked at here. although i always know is was adopted and my parents were always open about is. i still was missing someting. in my teens i realised what is was.
although i was part of this family, there where smal things i could not explane why it was different. with me it had to do with nature and nurture. later on in live i found my self enjoying those differnces. it makes me unique in my own way. my mom never let me take the letter to show, but she did talk with me a lot WHY i had those feelings. this helped me later in my teens aswell when i was trying to difine my ID or inner self.
grtings
Sonia
Thank you so much for your reply. I am so afraid of doing something wrong and "damaging her". My problem is that I don't want her to have any negative feelings about her adoption at all and I can't stop that. I have to remember that it took me years to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't have children and only when I did, could I be open to adoption. Now I wouldn't trade any biological children for her. I guess I can't expect her to just be alright with it overnight. It just hurts me deeply for her and I wish I could take the pain away. When you were little, did you dwell on the fact that you were adopted all the time or did you just have moments when it was more on your mind and bothered you? Again, thank you for taking the time to respond.
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I cannot answer for Sonia, but for myself I never dwelled on adoption. The only time I would even think of it was whenever my parents would bring it up or there was talk of adoption in the house. It was not something on my mind, in fact I would say about 3% of my thoughts were about adoption and that was mostly because my family was in the process of adopting another sibling and ended up with a disrupted adoption. That was when I thought about it most because it bothered me that after so many weeks my baby brother had to be returned. A few years later we adopted a 14month old boy from foster care(my now abrother).
It would be fair tosay that most of my thoughts growing up were that of non adoptees, normal kid stuff until I was reminded that I was adopted, but the thoughts didn't last very long. My parents were very open about things and would have answered any questions I may have had, but truthfully I didn't have many questions at all.
I think many of times that aparents are so worried about how the child will feel that they try to make up for any questions they might have but telling them things. It is very important to let children know you are available and willing to answer questions, but I think that the child should be the one to take the lead. Too much reminder might make the child feel different or odd. As a matter of fact the only time I felt somewhat different was when my parents would mention it. Most of the time it was the furthest thing form my mind.
I was talking to my abrother a few weeks ago about this very thing and he too agreed that unless someone made mention of him being adopted it was the last thing on his mind.
As long as the child knows they are loved I thinmk that is whjat is most important. Most adoptees do not want to be made to feel different.
EZ
Thank you EZ. I don't know how it feels to be in your (or my daughter's) shoes, only mine. That makes me feel better. I really let her take the lead when it comes to the discussion of her adoption and we talk (or cry) about it until she is "done" and changes the subject. Sometimes when she's done, I'm not, but I leave it alone. I hoped that these were the only times that she was thinking about it and not consumed with it all the time. Thanks again.
Just as Ez whas saying. The most importend thing for your doughter te know and to feel is being loved . Her adoption may aways be a toppic for talking, but is is not always number one. in time most thing i talked to my mum about was normal children things.
The toppic adoption is something u will have to deall with conserning her questions about her identity or heratige. and belive me this may become a little harder the older she wil be. The most importend thing is for her te know is that it is always an open subject for her te discuss with you. and to have the suport and freedom to seek her own idenity in time. I don't know if she is from ethnic origen but that may bring more of a struggle in her teens. For now i can only say listen to her questions and answer them as openly and good as u can.
For your self i would recomend to find some quidence aswell, just to give it all a place for you own peace of mind. My mum and i went later in live to a support group for adoptive childeren and parrents and it was verry good to hear we were not alone. Hope there is a group like tihis in your region. I even went to a group of young adopties to talk about bening adopted. i found it very liberating and suportive to speek to others about groingup in a nonbiological family. (this may come later when questions arise on biological matters)
Sonia
One other thing I wanted to mention was i never really got emotional or cried about adoption unless I sawe my amom crying about it. I think it was much harder for her to deal with than me. I know this is because she loved me so much and she wanted to be ahead of the game so to speak in adressing questions before they were even asked. (I hope that made sense). IMHO, if I were in your shoes, I would ease up on any adoption related conversations unless your dd came out and outright asked. Sometimes a simple answer like "God knew we would be the best parents and we love you so much" or something to that affect would be the best answer. It is reassuring her and not going into details. I don't think I had any questions a six years old, I just knew that I was "special" because I was adopted and that my aparents loved me more than anything else in life. Of course years ago there was no such thing as open adoption so there was no need to address those issues.
Again, knowing how "I" am, I doubt I could have handled having to share my love with another mother. As far as I was concerned my amom was my mother, no questions asked end of story. Honestly , even today even though I know that I had a biomom and know who she was, I still cannot fathom having to share my love, loyalty or devotion withanyone else but amom. Amom IS my Mom and no one else could ever take her place bio or not.
EZ
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My adoption being closed, I haven't decided which one is better, closed or open. They both have good points and bad. My niece's adoption is open and they sometimes go through the same things that you are going through. I'm 46 and I never remember going through wishing that I lived with or had contact with my bmom. I always thought, as I got older, from time to time I would like to meet her, but that was all. My parents were mine and I didn't have the need to have her in my life at that time. Maybe it was because it wasn't in my face all the time. I didn't have a picture to constantly remind me of what wasn't in my life. I think that's where the confusion, for someone that young, comes in. They don't understand all of life's confusing decisions that adults need to make because of choice's they made. To them it's black or white. And as adults we know different. Knowing things as I do now (post reunion) I don't know that I could have handled understanding. I know all the emotional turmoil that I went through and can't imagine dealing with that as a child. And if she has her picture to look at all the time, that just messes my head up thinking about it. To me it would a constant messing with my head. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking about it to much. I would keep the lines of communication open all the time for her to be able to talk when she needs to. For what it's worth, that my thought.:confused: