Help- feel like my daughter hates me!

You need to work on rebonding. Start over. Your accident and unavoidable need to be apart from her likely disturbed her sense of safety. She can't understand why you were gone, just knows that you were. I know this feels hurtful to you and like you have done something wrong. You mentioned being a child and family therapist. Are you familiar with theraplay at all? It may be good for this situation. How about attachment parenting? Do lots of things to encourage her to look or come to you. Blow bubbles, make her stuffed animals talk in funny voices, play peekaboo. Try not to be hard on yourself when she reacts the way she is or cries for daddy. With some time and work, she'll feel safe again and let you back in.

Your husband has hit the nail on the head. Besides the whole hospital thing scaring her, kids have an uncany way of thinking that everything that happens is their fault. Divorce, death, scary hospital stay, you name it and it's all their fault. Even though she's been in the house for 7 months, it's all still new to her. I don't know what she expereinced before, but she could have feelings of possible loss. Seeing you in any state other than "mommy in charge" can be frightening to her and she reacting the only way she feels will spare her more loss and grief. It can take time, but reassuring her that no matter what, you'll be there for her, can help. Let her know that you're the same. Even though you had to go to the hospital for a while, you came back, That's important. Let her know that coming back to her was so, so important. She's has already expereinced that you can go away. You were in the hospital and she was at home. Just reiterate that you came back to her as soon as possible. It would be good if you could think of something she really really likes to do and do that activity with her. Find something that she loves like coloring or playing with a baby doll or play dough or watching TV, whatever is her favorite thing, and you do it with her. Let Dad be somewhere else during that activity. If there's some thing that she really likes, get her a new one and you be the one who gives it to her. Say she likes stuffed toys. Then get her that stuffed toy she wanted and give it to her with Dad away for the moment. From what you have described, it sounds like she has some type of problem with the Mom figure and the Dad is the savior. Figure out ways to help her relate to you. If there is an activity she likes, let her do that activity only with you. Maybe it's eating at McDonalds or playing with a doll or whatever. It reinforces the contection if you do that acitvity with her. It may take time, but eventually she will come around. Don't feel too bad about her chosing Dad. All kids do that at some degree. They tend to pick a favorite and stay with it. For some reason we can't know, she has a strong connection to Dad. Don't feel bad about being a family and child therapist and on top of that feeling like you don't know what to do. When any of us are in a situation it seems like all of our training and educaiton just flys out the window and we have no idea what to do.

hi, i am experiencing the same thing i didn't even have an accident that took me away. i've had my son for the past eight months and he still targets me for his aggression and sometimes only wants daddy when he's home.but it is a fact that adopted children target the mother figure more because they are seen as the "abandoners". i had to fight hard to get him to bond with me.i agree with the other posters, you have to start over again. i know how frustrating that must be. it is very hurtful. i always want to cry when my son reaches out for daddy and doesn't want anything to do with me. it's hard not to take it personally. but it isn't personal. it's just their weird little way of coping with the big world.i'm sure you know that already. but i like the idea of doing special activities with your daughter. one thing that worked well for me was taking my son on special field trips, like to the children's museum and fun things like that so he experienced something positive with me.we also started a routine of cuddle time first thing in the morning. my husband left for work before my son got up so he wasn't an option to sit with. every morning during the week, he sits on my lap with his milk and watches TV. it's probably not great for his mind (watching TV) but i don't care because we are having calm physical contact with one another. and, if he'll let me, i rub his back or head or face while he's watching cartoons.i also did a lot of imitative play. i got down on the floor and copied what he was doing. playing with the cars the same way he did. even if she won't let you touch her, you could "play" from a distance and it's still a way to connect. there were a few times i actually had to tell my husband to walk away so my son would allow himself to be comforted by me. and vice versa, he flips around sometimes.i've recently started to talk to a councelor about the way i've been feeling about my son. i'm sure you know there is nothing wrong with that. but i completely relate in feeling torn about my son. of course i love him from the bottom of my soul, but i feel very hurt and discouraged when he rejects me. it's hard to keep going on every day trying to love and parent a child who is hurting you so deep inside. i just have to remind myself that it will get better and just to keep loving him. and i make sure i take good care of myself with breaks and nights out and talk to my family and close friends about it to get some perspective. sounds like you are on the right track. just wanted to let you know that i've been there too. most of us amom's have, whether we talk about it or not. you will get through it and so will your daughter.

Thanks to all of you for you kind words. I have actually been doing all of the things you have suggested, talking in silly voices, playing "tickle monster", doing her favorite things like looking at pictures of herself, etc., but while she is great for that time, as soon as the activity is over it's back to screaming " Go mommy!" with an angry face. Caddo, I do appreciate your reply as someone who is experiencing the same thing. In December, after we had had her for two months and she was beginning to reject me after having seeminly bonded with me (why, I wish we knew) I actually could not say truthfully that I wanted to proceed with the adoption, things were so bad. But my husband asked me to hang in there and promised it would get better, which it did, but obviously turned around again. It may be helpful to add that she had been with her foster family from age 3 months to 23 months, when we got her, and was obviously very bonded to them, specifically her foster mom. We have many theories as to why she acts like she does, but no answers. Anyway, thanks for listening.