Advertisements
OK, so we have a weird issue going on over here. M is obsessed with our tummies, my tummy, DH's tummy. She tickles them, hugs them, want to blow raspberries on them, pats them. Both DH and I have some extra cushion in the tummy department, as did her bio mom. DH speculates that similarity may have something to do with it, or it is just a comfort thing. We do have more to hug :love: She never strays below or above the tummy, so we do not find the touch to be inappropriate in a vacuum. But the frequency of her behavior and the fact that her fixation is ALWAYS the tummy is uncomfortable. I have started telling her this. I have given her alternate behaviors, even alternate parts of the body she can tickle, or pat, or blow raspberries. The tummy is only for hugging, as she is at tummy level when she hugs us. I have already told her (as far as raspberries are concerned) that is absolutely not OK to lift my shirt or anybody's shirt without their permission, just as it is not OK for anyone to lift hers. Yes, even if it is just a little bit.She pouts when we remind her touching our tummies make us uncomfortable. She keeps trying. I have asked her WHY she does it. The only explanation she can give is "I think they are funny."She is not much obsessed with her own tummy, though she does want me to feel it occasionally after she eats (put your hand here! feel. see I'm stuffed!). There is SA in her past, so I am a little concerned there is a connection there, but there have been a few mildly inappropriate displays of affection in the past that we have successfully redirected with no trouble. A simple, "that is not appropriate and this is why." I don't know why this is so different. Her counselors all just suggest we tell her it makes us uncomfortable and provide an alternate way to show affection, but that does not seem to work and it does not explain what the hell is up with the belly thing?!?!?!Edited to add: she has never had a pregnant caregiver.
Like
Share
Advertisements
I've had a lot of kids do this too, although they are usually younger than your FD. Perhaps since she is a bit immature in other ways, this is just another way it manifests. My preschoolers used to think tummies were hilarious, I had to run interference during outdoor/gross motor time to prevent ALL of them from running around with shirts pulled up blowing raspberries on each other. I did exactly what you are doing now - let them know that is not appropriate and redirect. I'm sure it will take some time with your FD just as if she were a preschooler.
Okay this might be going out on a limb here but something just clicked in my mind reading this thread.Tummies are vulnerable zones. Animals either try to protect their tummies from strangers and aggressors, or show them to friends to demonstrate how safe they feel with them.While it is inappropriate to constantly harp on it, and I think she will grow out of it (or reduce some of the behavior) with continued guidance, could this have something to do with instinctively knowing that is your (and her) vulnerable zone?By showing frustration when you redirect her affections, she may be unconsciously indicating that you "insulted" the instinct that says you "must" show vulnerability to her.I'm not saying there's any actual insult, just saying she may want to "prove" to herself over and over that you are family and that you trust her. Could also be a control thing, related to that: "Show me that I can do what I want with you, with your vulnerable tummy." Again same response with the "insulted" aspect.Just a thought.Then again, she did tell you she thinks tummies are funny. Perhaps that's the best she can consciously come up with, or perhaps that's literally the answer. She just thinks tummies are cute and wants to mess with them-- but she can't just do it whenever she wants, so even if that's why, it's going to be an issue until she lets up on it a little and learns when it is / is not okay. I don't have anything to offer as far as redirection ideas.
Advertisements
When I started reading your post, I thought that was kind of normal for my kids (not tummy, but liking certain body parts to kiss/love on)...but then I realized she was 9. My 6 year old is obsessed with my cheeks. He wants to kiss them and actually verbalized how he just can't stand it he wants to kiss them so bad! LOL He is a bit of a charmer (i.e. manipulator) though. I agree with a PP that she may be just a bit behind in the affection department and is catching up. Maybe she laid on her birth mothers belly for affection?? Does she want to do it in public? That may raise some eyebrows if she does that to you (or especially your husband) in public. I woud just keep following the therapist's suggestions and hope it goes awa eventually. Good luck!
Yep, she is 11. We see a lot of regression with her though, and I definitely "see" a 7 or 8 year old in her eyes when she does this.
She does occasionally do it in public and she almost did it in front of her friend at sleepover. I took her hands and pushed them away and then turned away and went upstairs "to get some more snacks". A little more harsh than my usual reaction, but I did not want her embarrassing herself in front of her new friend.
She did not try to touch her friend's belly though. I made a "no tickling rule" for the occasion, as I was concerned she would try.
Advertisements
I think you have had her a short time and this CAN be quite normal for a young toddler, where she is probably at in her bonding to you. With an infant, parents tickle the tummy, blow raspberries on the tummy etc. and then the kid mimics it as they get a little older. I might have a bonding time where she can touch your tummy and then the rest of the time, just redirect her.
I'm glad I found this. I am surprised I only found this single post on this when I searched, as my foster son (8) does the exact same thing. He wants to lay his head or hand on my stomach when we read together or cuddle, and sometimes will hug us pressing his ear hard into our stomachs. It is just our stomachs -- nothing above or below, but, like this post mentioned, because of the frequency, it is uncomfortable. He gets angry when we won't let him or tell him we don't like it and try to redirect to another position. He'll even try to secretly go through the buttons of my shirt to touch my skin with just one finger, and he will sometimes comment on the sounds he hears when his ear is pressed up against my stomach. My thought on this, and his therapist agreed, is that it's like a baby. I wonder if he didn't get the physical comforting and cuddling he needed as a small child and instinctively still seeks it. I understand the need for physical attention: our biological child still asks to cuddle and has been doing so since beginning to talk at 1. I'm very curious why it is the stomach, and why regular cuddling doesn't seem to be enough. I guess babies are held against the stomach frequently when they are held, and I wonder if the sounds he hears comfort him the same way sounds would have comforted a baby in the womb. He definitely is developmentally behind, emotionally and behaviorally, and it has been fascinating to see him progress through the behaviors of a typically much younger child. I would love to know if this is more widespread and find out how others are meeting what seems to be a very primitive, basic need of their children while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Last update on January 1, 5:29 am by RuthA.