Relative/Kinship Care vs. Foster Care in WA

Going through the process to have our (now) son placed with us (we were aunt and uncle), I wish now we had been strong from the beginning. First-decide-yes or no do you want this child? If you are not ready to commit for the rest of your life and the child's life, let her stay with foster family and ask for open adoption to let child know her bfamily cares for her. Second-if the answer is yes--make that very clear, very very clear. Get an attorney now--that is your voice. The attorney will do a motion to intervene--that makes you part of the case, you can go to court and give input directly. I wish we had done that at the beginning instead of doing the homestudy and trusting the sw. You will still need to do all the homestudy stuff, but the clear message will be sent to the foster family and social services that you plan to parent this child and be the forever family. It sounds like you have good relationship with ffamily--keep up your good work there. Together you can find the way forward for this child.

Thank you so much for your input. I was wondering if we should hire an attorney. We absolutely want to adopt this child. At the same time, if the bmom has a chance to pull it together, we do not want to jeopardize the opportunity for her to parent her own daughter. What do we do with that?

If you are seriously interested in taking this child and could see the possibility of becoming a foster parent at some point I would strongly recommend starting the licensing process now. I am not sure what it is like in your state but from my personal experience it is worth getting your license versus being just a relative placement. I found out as I went along with my family placement about so many benefits for myself and for the children that we were not eligible for because I was not licensed. I could not attend foster parent association meetings, get help from food bank or get extra clothing allotments that other foster children received, among other things, because I was not licensed. I was also not eligible for any respite care, which in my opinion everyone needs once in a while. Good luck with with whatever route you decide to take.

I respectfully disagree with michsm. If it is your plan to parent this child, to be the forever family, go the most direct route regardless of extra help of any kind. If you adopt, you will be responsible for everything as the parents. Begin as you mean to go on--if you cannot afford to raise this child, then perhaps it's not the right decision for you to take her into your home. If you think you will need respite care, I question whether taking this child is the right choice for you. This little one will be a member of your family--do you have/need respite care for your sons? Hire a babysitter as do all parents occasionally. I want to say again that this is my opinion, and also to acknowledge that michsm has had a great deal more experience in this area than I have. You also have the question of holding out the possibility that birth mother may be able to take her child eventually--dh and I knew that was not a possibility when we got our lil guy.

In our situation I agree with you completely... We are fully prepared to take on another child, with or without assistance. We will attempt to get a TANF grant which will help with some of those "baby" things she'll need that we no longer have. But with or without it, we can still get by fine. I am going to give the SW a bit of time to move & if it looks like they are going to drag their feet then we will look into getting an attorney... I would think that the biggest advantage to getting licensed in this situation would be that if we were licensed then the state wouldn't be able to drag their feet in getting her into our house...

I'm sorry, I have to jump in here. We are adopting a relative out of foster care and have gone through just about every issue involved. Simply put, going it on your own to get the child in your "custody" quickly and without state support is pretty much the fastest and best way to really, really mess things up. Taking on a child that has been in foster care is not a simple matter of "getting by" or holding out the opportunity for RU long after the law, based on sound mental health research, says it is healthy or appropriate. This is long but there are a few important points that I think it would be good for you to understand. First, find out what you can about the child's current situation. If the baby is 19 months, has been with the foster family for over a year, and if fmother has been virtual primary caregiver despite the young mother's presence, well, I would try very hard to find out--by talking to or visiting the fhome, getting a release to talk to any therapists involved, etc., how strongly and healthily attached baby is to these folks. It may be best to leave her in the place she is already rooted and thriving. That decision can't be conditional on openness, although that would be nice to have, because no parent can really make a long-term promise like that for a child although the parent could show a willingness to be open as long as they felt it benefitted the child. But if you decide to go ahead, trusting yourself to be "guided" through the process by a cw and/or even your own lawyer ignores the reality that neither of these people have the child's best interest as their first mission. The cw works, first, for the state, second, for family preservation. The child's interest is supposed to be "paramount," but a lot can be justified depending on how that interest is defined legally or in actual practice. The lawyer works for you and will work for the goal you set, regardless of whether it is best for the child or even for you in the long run. If there is a guardian ad litem, that is the person who is supposed to have no other agenda than the child's best interest--as defined by law and in their best judgment. Sometimes GALs are great, sometimes not. As for "with or without help." NO. You need help! The child needs and is entitled to the protections and benefits of the foster care and foster-to-adopt system. This is about what the child needs, not your pride or (meant kindly) uninformed sense that you can raise another child "without help." This child needs legal protection and has special needs beyond $subsidy or TANFF and it would be neglectful and terribly unfair to the child to ignore her needs and throw away her legal rights in this situation--something the local agency may be all too ready to help you to do. A LOT of damage can happen in 19 months. What if she needs weekly therapy for two years? (Ours did.) What if she develops issues due to prenatal, birth, or parenting problems--FAE/FAS, RAD, ODD, ED, and so on? What if she needs residential treatment down the road (at six figures per year, not provided by the state without you either declaring her CHINS--old time "mentally disturbed/incorrigible"--or pleading guilty yourself to neglect for not providing proper treatment at six figures per year). There are so many services she may need that will be far beyond your expertise, finances, and resources. In our case, we have found it is not about the few dollars a month--it is about the services and protections that we and very few families could ever provide on our own. If she is Title IV-E eligible (likely since mother probably is, too), she is entitled to far more than just the $ subsidy and more than TANFF would provide, especially in terms of services and the extra coverage provided by Medicaid for kids--mental health and occupational, neurological, physical, etc., things not covered by personal health insurance or the school district or even Medicaid at some point. (Note: Eligibility for services and subsidy is based on the child's needs and resources as either a member of her destitute parent's household or as a household of one, not your resources.) The child also needs permanency. It is not good enough for her to say, "we will take care of her, but if her mother gets it together in another year or two or three, or more, we'll return her." That would be a plan to inflict further injury on the child by putting her through the trauma of breaking healthy attachments and re-experiencing the survival stress and anxiety of being cut adrift from the people and things she's come to depend on to survive and thrive. I can almost guarantee you you wouldn't feel that way in a year or two, or three, or more, anyway--you would understand, by then, the importance of her staying and you would be fighting your relative(s) directly. She will not have permanency if you let the state off the hook on termination of parental rights and simply take custody or guardianship. No matter how the cw or a lawyer characterizes those statuses, they are not permanent and can be challenged legally. The state will wash its hands of legal and financial responsibility and leave you with an open custody case to fight. We have friends who went this route, taking guardianship to keep the child out of the foster care system they didn't understand, didn't want to wait for, and feared. They are now $30,000 in on the "straightforward" termination case, which they had to file on their own even though the father had already been criminally charged and convicted for abuse and neglect. Despite that conviction, when he got out of incarceration, he was still free to take them to court for return, visitation, and a host of other causes. Would he win? No, but they would still have to pay to defend themselves in case after case for years. And they would always have the stress of knowing their lives could be disrupted by being hauled into court at any time. The cw won't tell you this. The cw will tell you "the court intends this to be permanent. The parents wouldn't get anywhere with a lawsuit." That may be true as far as it goes, but it doesn't relieve you and your family the cost and stress of knowing you can be hauled into court at any time. So, my message is to work through the foster care system, become part of it. There is no better preparation and education than getting a foster care license. Not only will it clue you into the special needs of foster children and the intricacies and benefits of the foster care system--for the child, not just you--you will develop a network of support staff--the educators and licensing workers--who want you to succeed as a foster parent and an advocate for your child and are not bound by the same conflicts of interest that virtually every single caseworker you see will have. Use these people as your resources for knowing what the child's rights are and what the process SHOULD be. Find out if you can start as a kinship placement and changeover to being considered a licensed placement later. Some states won't recognize a relative as a foster even when they are licensed, but there are still many benefits to licensing. Even if you can get placement without a license, start work on the license ASAP if you can. It makes no sense, but the child has more rights and protections and receives better services if you are licensed placement than if you are not. By all means, consult with a lawyer and get your face into the courtroom if possible. Understand, though, that the lawyer works for you, not the child, and will take whatever you say is your interest as his/her mission regardless of whether it serves the child or not. To find a lawyer, contact the court of juridiction and get a list of the attorneys who serve regularly as guardians ad litem. Interview them and consult them--ask for free consultation. Try to keep it open--ask what your options are and about the pros and cons of the options, don't just say "we want to get custody." You say that, the lawyer will work to get you custody regardless of the consequences. As for the cw, most get into this low-paid work because they care about people. By and large, they want to mean well but are bound by rules you need to learn and are subject to a LOT of pressure you don't see. Yes, listen to this person, yes, work with this person as amiably and productively as possible, yes present yourself as a part of her/his team, no, don't trust that she/he will be fully forthcoming, honest, or be putting the child's actual interest and needs first. She/he first and foremost works for a budget-constrained state agency. On paper, her/his first priority is family preservation--she/he is supposed to work on RU. Short of that, relative placement. Although federal law is supposed to direct everything to the child's best interest and highest degree of permanency--TPR and adoption--many, many, states and agencies just try, at the least cost possible to the state, to dump open custody cases and unsupported, unresourced special needs children onto well meaning, anxious relatives who don't understand the issues or the child's rights. Budget often seems to be the agency's "paramount interest" in a case. As far as getting involved as foster home or foster-adopt resource home: Unless you take legal custody and let the state off the hook for the case, NOTHING you do will have any affect whatsoever on the mother's opportunity for reunification. She will either work her case plan and convince a judge that she has successfully changed the conditions that led to removal or she won't. You stepping up for the child won't change that. As long as the child is in foster care, a judge will make that determination. If the child is not in foster care, you could be pressured by family to release the child or be taken to court by the mother or father for a host of reasons, including return; then a judge would still be making the decisions and you would be paying him and your lawyer for the privilege of that stress and anxiety. Not stepping up as soon as possible could very well cost the child her right to be raised by her family of origin and be lost to you all in a closed adoption forever. You have no standing to put conditions on her adoption by someone else. It will most likely be closed unless the adopting family decides otherwise. Good luck, I hope things work out well for the child and your family.

I think Hadley2 stated it much better than I did. The point I was trying to make was that, at least where I am, children placed with family do not receive the full benefit of services they deserve. Yes, I agree you need to be able to afford to support the child but the additional services and support are very helpful. I have seen the difference now that I am licensed in the support available. I think licensing is very important you never know how long the process is going to take, what services the child is going to need and what kind of support you may need (foster parent association is very good in this area). The training you receive being licensed is something I wish everyone would get. Once again where I live there is no training for family placements. I would also like to comment on the babysitter. Just remember you cannot just pick out a babysitter for your foster child as you can for your bios. It is very hard to find someone over 18 willing to go through background checks and fingerprinting just so you can get an occasional night out. I would try to get some information specifically for your area. Which I know is what you asked for to begin with. Some states do require the same process for family and regular foster parents. Hopefully your state is one that does. good luck!

You all have given us lots to think about... I do know that we have the option to start with relative care and then get licensed, so that may be our best option at this point. Just to give a little insight into this child's situation: Up until a couple months ago, the child was primarily cared for by the bmom who was in the same foster home. And she attends an alternative school where the child stays during the day as well, even now. Weekends are generally spent with my aunt (her great-grandmother) who brings her to visit with our family as well. So, while I do not doubt for a moment that she has an attachment to the fmom (and vice versa), fmom works and really only cares for her before & after work on the weekdays. During the day & on weekends she is cared for by her bio family... This will be more complicated than I had imagined - makes international adoption look like a cakewalk. Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your insights. I will keep you posted...

I know here in order to move our niece to our home we were required to become licensed foster parents and not kinship placement. Florida has both however the monthly stipend and requirements are different. You also get more resources available as a foster parent as opposed to a relative caregiver....and the state is not so involved. I would research both options. I'm glad we became licensed instead of relative caregivers. We are also going to receive an adoption subsidy each month til she's 18 after her adoption (which hopefully will be final this month!)...I don't believe relatives get that benefit after adoption. She'll also have medicaid til the age of 18. I've been thru it all including the ICPC process. My best advice is to decide if you want to pursue this. You can hire an attorney to help you through it also. In our case we had to go to court to have us included as resources to move her to our home....and the previous FP's faught us along the way so it wasn't fun.

Michsm- excellent post and so very informative. Thanks!

I would just like to add to the consensus of folks who say that you get more services as a foster placement than relative care provider. We took our (now son) (former 2nd cousin) as a relative placement while we were working on our license because the foster family "felt he was getting too attached"( after 1 mos) and they knew they weren't going to get to keep him in the long run. We didn't realize the extent of the services we weren't getting until we actually became licesened and sooo many doors opened up. I'd also like to second the poster that mentioned that you can not tell now, what services a child may need later on in life, so making sure those resources are in place, PRIOR to the placement/adoption is very important. Additionally, although a sad thought, the bmom may have future children and be unable to care for them, if this occurs and you are licensed you will be able to have them placed with you right away (as foster placements) forgoing the problem of the children attaching to non-relative foster placements and then requiring movement. Good Luck, If you have questions about how relative placement can affect your life and family relationships feel free to PM me, the family dynamics can be harder than any other aspect of the process.