Losing a foster child

I should have mentioned, we already have one son, Jacob, who came to us at 6 months and is now 2 1/2. We finalized his adoption in May, with the blessings of his birthparents who realized they could not get it together enough to take him, and that he was so bonded to our family! The loss of our baby girl was not as hard on him as I thought! We went on vacation for a week right after dropping her off, to get him out of his routine, as recommended by our foster parent liaison. Although he seemed very bonded to her, he's only 2 1/2 and honestly, it's out of sight, out of mind for him. He only asked about her 3 or 4 times, and we just told him that she went to live with her grandma who loves her very much and that he is ours forever and not going anywhere. That seemed to be enough for him.

I know what it is like to lose the most adoring part of you...your children. The heartache you feel is not like any other. I too have lost foster children and the longer they stay the harder it is. I miss my beautiful Destiny...she was with me for 11 months and it was supposed to be forever. I cried and cried because I knew that she was going back to such a bad place. She is still there with no one to love her, to take care of her. The pain is unbelievable. My sweet adorable Julie ... I had her 11 months also .....at least she didn't go back to her drug addicted mother....and I hope she is ok. The other many children that I have taken care of in my home and loved are back with mothers, fathers, or relatives. THis is how I got through it......I prayed everyday for the children and for Jesus to protect them and send them to the best place for them. I tried not to be selfish ....I just wanted what was best for them and for us. It worked out for the kids and for us...most of the time. I cried everytime and prayed a lot. I left it in the hands of God to protect and care for my children. I love them......all15 of them and I hope that they are doing great. I know am adopting 4 children.....tomorrow I sign the adoption agreement and I know that it has all worked out. Just keep in mind that you want what is best for the children and you'll be fine. Lisa

I had a child that came to live with us in the year 2000. Baby boy 3 months premature, weighing in at 3 pounds 3 ounces, cocaine positive. The state of Georgia placed him with us foster care to adopt. In December of 2001 the state and the court system decided to place this baby boy back with his parents. It feels like a kidnapping because you don't know where or who or how this baby boy is doing. Our story doesn't end here though.... The short version is that August 2002 this baby boy and his newly born brother is now back in the states custody. I have been trying to get him and his brother back into our care. What I can say is to hang in there. It doesn't go away but it gets a little better after time. Don't give up. Good Luck!!

i went thru the same thing once..instead it was 2 yrs and 4 months...when u said death in the family..ur exactly rite that just how it feels... i wish i could say sumthin real witty and make ya feel betta but the truth is time ..is what ya need time heals all wounds..( supposedly) if ya ever need to just vent email me at putter923@msn.com..im a great listener... and sumtimes just talking about it helps...good luck

We lost the only foster child we have had this week and we, too, feel as if there has been a death in our family. We registered with the understanding that we wanted a child who could be adopted, but the mother came back at the last minute and opted to place her with a 60+ aunt who needs a pacemaker. We both prayed for this child and thought the placement was of God. Now we don't even want to be in our own home as everything reminds us of her. We cry all the time. To see my big bear of a husband cry has been a shock and all we want is for the baby to come home. I saw this site looking for advice on how to deal with the heartbreak. I will pray for you as we spend all our time praying for another lost child like yours.

Welcom to this site...I see you are new... look around and stay around and don't lose you faith over this. I am so sorry to hear this story again! and Agian! I am sorry that another person has suffered this pain, to love a child as their own, and only lose. Please don't give up on your loving. This is the SINGLE reason I reject the NEW TREND of Foster to Adoption required by federal laws.... in the old days NO MATTER how in love a Foster Family was Adoption was not possible...so at least you as a foster family would know this right up front... And then it became clear that a Foster Child in a home for years had a bond that should remain if at all possible...so the laws were changed and Foster Families became the, next in line after extended family.... This has caused scores of people like you to suffer. Over time it became known in the Foster Care communities that it is actually possible to adopt a newborn if you RISK the Foster to Adopt plan.... Now, it seems this plan is causing harm, to everyone but, especially to the love of the Foster Home... This is so sad and I so badly feel for you..... I don't like the fact you have been hurt and I hope you will greive this loss and become stronger for it. Give yourself some time because you are right this is like a death. and when you feel you have the ability again, you will know you can love another child...it is never possible to replace a lost child....but it is possible to love again. Talk to your caseworker and if you are led perhaps you might consider the Adoption program in your state...true you will likely not recieve a newborn... but, if your 6-month old daughter was given to you today, I am sure you can see it would be easy to start loving her from this day on.... When we met our five-year old daughter and her one-year old brother...it was love at first sight and missing all that nighttime feeding and a year of diapers has been less a sacrifice then we could have imagined..... Peace...

I lost my nephew one month ago after raising him for two years through DCF. HIs mother abandoned him with me and I raised him as my own son until she came back a year later and decided to do her "case plan". The courts gave him back without a second thought to the bond we had formed. He was eighteen months old when he came to me and is now 3 & 1/2. There are no words to explain my grief. HIs mother has refused visitation saying she wants him to bond with her and to do that he has to stay away from me. DCF gave him back to her although she had four other children taken away two of which were tpr'd. We're in the process of trying to adopt her oldest daughter, but I still am having trouble coping with the loss of "Little B". I'm trying to write a book on our experience as a part of my grieving process to try to change the laws on Caregiver's rights and would like to hear other stories similiar to ours if anyone would like to share or if anyone would just like to talk who has gone through this too. People who haven't been through this cannot understand the loss. I've been told I should just "get over it" and to "go on with my life". IT's a little hard to do when you lie awake at night and wonder if they have enough to eat, or if they're getting enough love, and if they cry for you. Email AngieS1570@aol.com

We had our Foster son in our home since he was 5 days old. He would have been 6 months in 5days. They have been trying to place him with a 3rd cousing since Sept. but she hasn't been able to qualify because her boyfriend has child abuse and domestic violence charges against him. Well, our social worker that was trying to stop the placement has quit because the dept. went over her head and approved the transfer. We hired a lawyer and went to court today. They ordered him to be removed right away. We just left the court and received a call they wanted to pick him up in 3hrs. So they did! We watched him drive away and he was just looking at us smiling. Poor thing probably thought he would see us again. My husband and I are so upset we don't know what to do. His stuff is everywhere in our house so it's a constant reminder. I almost feel like he's in the other room asleep and will wake up soon. He's only been gone for 4 hrs now and I feel like it's forever. I don't know how to cope with this. Do you have any advice for us?

I don't know... I don't know... We have had our little one for almost exactly a year. We were surprised to find out today at a review hearing that she will be moving to an Aunt next month. : ( We will also be hiring an attorney, but I am not hopeful that it will change the outcome. I can't stop crying. : (

I'm so sorry. I lost my first placement of 2 sisters to a family who could take all 5 siblings. They left the day before Christmas. do whatever you have to do to grieve.

Last night was the worst night of our lives without our baby. I hope everynight isn't that bad. Will I ever run out of tears?

I know this thread is old, but I really do hope you have healed in the time that has passed. Our situation is almost identical to yours and the grief I am feeling is almost too much to bear. Our FS came to us at 4 days old, straight from the hospital. With his disfunctional family, case management seemed to feed into our growing love for him by almost assuring us that someday, he could be ours. At 3 months old, we found out that a first cousin twice removed from another state was interested in adopting him. Again, case management fed us misinformation to keep us believing that we were still the best choice for him as “the judges in our area don’t like to do out of state adoptions”. Two days ago, we learned that everything we had been fed were lies and our FS is more than likely going to be adopted out to these distant relatives. We have had FS for 4 1/2 months and will have him another couple of months at the least, probably, while they file the paperwork and go through the court proceedings. The thought of him not being ours forever and one day leaving for good has me overcome with grief. I can’t look at him without crying, I can’t think about him without crying. I am trying so hard to hold it together for him, for my other children, but this is a pain unlike anything I have ever felt. I feel broken. I do hope after all of this time, you look back at your situation and can smile remembering the good times that you spent together, because I have to believe that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel that I am in.

Hi, I found this forum in desperation to ease my pain. It really helps knowing we are not the only ones suffering because of such a bad system. We are new to fostering, and we decides to go this route when, after trying to have kids for many years, found out how expensive were the pregnancy treatments and legal adoption processes. Our hope was to find a Foster kid that we would eventually adopt taking the risk of this to never happen. After many months we received not one, but two siblings, a boy(2) and a girl (3). Both removed from home because their mother had a car accident under the influence with both kids in the car, the father confessed to negligence by leaving both kids with the mother intoxicated several times. We came to find out the father was also a drug addict having his license suspended since 2014 and having several misdemeanors for traffic stops where they found drugs in the car. However, the court only mandated random drug tests for the mother and not the father. We've had the kids since January this year, the grandparents took care of them for a month but refused to keep them because of health issues. Both kids were behind on their speech, in fact the 2 yo didn't speak at all. Both had stomach issues and after scheduling dr's appointments, we found out their nutrition wasn't the best and they had to be on a special diet. Neither one was potty trained and they had diarrhea on a daily basis. 4 moths later after enrolling them in daycare, speech and occupational therapy, the 3yo speaks more clearly and she is now fully potty trained, the 1yo is now saying words and is advancing very quick. Stomach issues were over until the mother started feeding them juice, chips, and gummies during visits. they would get diarrhea right after the fact. Despite letting know the case worker and managers our concerns about this, the mother still does it without any regards for the kids' health. Two months ago our case worker mentioned the grandparents wish for us to adopt the kids since they know the parents are not fit to do so. Everything sounded promising until our case worker was fired a month ago. Her supervisor took the case and she is very unresponsive ignoring our calls and messages. Three weeks ago we met the grandparents by chance (at church of all places), They were very grateful to meet us and raised their concern about the kids getting back to their parents, begging us to keep them. Yesterday was the JR hearing to review the parents' case. It was like we were there just to watch. We were not considered for any of the questions made, the case worker barely mentioned the kids leaving situation and failed to explain their therapy and their improvement since we got them. She was defending the mother over and over again saying how great she was at visits (We were told by our previous case manager the mother would only paint the girl's toenails and leave the boy wandering without paying attention). They confirmed dad wasn't required to pass random drug test, and the mother passed all of them as of yesterday without questioning her alcohol problem. They talked about moving forward requesting more visits over the week and even overnight visits, aiming to give the kids back to the parents by December of this year. We are devastated and disappointed at how this case is being handled. The suffering and the lack of support from child services has made us decide not to do this ever again. We still have 7 months to go and we will love the kids the same way we have been doing it but we cannot inflict this pain on us more than once.

"Losing a foster child"I can't imagine why anyone would archive this Thread!The loss of a child from foster care is a huge and profound issue that changes the lives of adults in ways that not one foster parent signed up for, and changes the lives of the children in foster care, in ways that no child should have to cope with.Foster parent loss is real, the grief is real, the staggering weight of being "mommy" or "daddy," and then being Nothing and No One. "Losing a foster child"This loss of your foster child brings the loss of control over one's life, which can best be understood when we recognize that it goes against all of the instincts of a mother and a father, to watch a caseworker drive up to their home and take the child they love, away, forever.Being unable to stop the removal of a child that has been in your home for months to years, brings a deep sense of grief that cannot be described to others, who have not experienced this themselves, and brings a grief that forever cannot be reconciled.My children were "reunified" with DNA parent that had not parented any of their multiple children for decades, which included my children, who they had never, even for one day, cared for.My children arrived in my home, because no DNA relative would take them.I loved and cared for m children for 5 years.Then the DNA parent demanded to have their property back, and DNA wins, and me and my children, and the family we built from the ground up, lost.The loss of my children will be with me forever.The loss of a stable loving home, will be with my children forever, and as the parent that tried for 5 years to protect them from having to ever move again, I carry that loss too.I share, because it's hard to believe that anyone would archive one of the most significant aspects of being a foster parent, GRIEF and LOSS.Michelle